Quote: sootyj @ January 1 2012, 12:52 PM GMTF**k My Life
it's what all da yoot is saying bredren
Oh, I see.
I mean, OIC.
Out of Control - continued. Feedback please! Page 2
Quote: Mikey Jackson @ January 1 2012, 1:33 PM GMTOh, I see.
I mean, OIC.
What did you think, Mikey?
Quote: ToddB @ January 1 2012, 1:59 PM GMTWhat did you think, Mikey?
Hi Todd.
I agree with SootyJ on this one. Your two lead characters don't seem to have any depth or personality. They're just jumping from bar to club to shop to whatever and swapping a bit of banter and namedropping along the way without any sign of a plot.
Successful sitcom characters fall into two categories. The public either a) love them or b) love to hate them.
I feel the same contempt for these two girls that I do for Jedward. i.e. They should be gassed to death for the sake of humanity.
And they both talk exactly like each other. Yeah, so I know they are both supposed to be airhead socialite waste-of-space non-entities, but there should be subtle differences in the way they act, speak, view their world, etc.
Think Edina and Patsy from AbFab. On the surface, a pair of childish pissheads, but deep down two very different characters indeed.
One problem might be your subject matter. i.e. Celeb pop culture.
The problem being, you're attempting to parody something that is, in essence, a parody in itself.
Take UK talent shows like X Factor. Nobody can parody them because the real shows are stupid, futile and pantomime.
Peter Kay attempted a parody of talent shows, but it just looked like a poor man's version of the actual shows themselves.
Saying that, however, pop culture is indeed ripe for the picking, but your sitcom needs some extra oomph added to it in order to give it an identity.
Put quite simply, we the viewers, whether we love or hate your two leads, need to care what happens to them.
Funnily enough, I did chuckle a couple of times at the two girls when they were in the elevator.
Thanks Mikey,
My intention, eventually, is that Ella should actually have grown more uncomfortable with the negative press (even if she lacks the self-control to prevent it) and is more concerned what people think (ie: her family, who I am trying to introduce more into this first episode). While Melanie is less concerned and sees any press as an advantage - even going so far as to engineer attention grabbing situations for her own self-promotion.
Ella's sister, who is a university student and really is working hard to make it under her own steam is another vital ingredient.
All that doesn't come through yet - but that's what I'm trying for.
I'm glad you read the elevator scene. If you have time - it would be great if you would let me know where the laughs were on that thread.
It was when one was giving the other a lift up. The heels hurt her back, then she complained when her shoe strap broke.
The other was when she discovered the lift mirror. "Ooh. Mirror."
I think I liked those two bits as the comedy was coming not from funny lines, but from character traits.
Quote: ToddB @ January 3 2012, 1:15 AM GMTMy intention, eventually, is that Ella should actually have grown more uncomfortable with the negative press (even if she lacks the self-control to prevent it) and is more concerned what people think (ie: her family, who I am trying to introduce more into this first episode). While Melanie is less concerned and sees any press as an advantage - even going so far as to engineer attention grabbing situations for her own self-promotion.
Ella's sister, who is a university student and really is working hard to make it under her own steam is another vital ingredient.
All that doesn't come through yet - but that's what I'm trying for.
I'm glad you read the elevator scene. If you have time - it would be great if you would let me know where the laughs were on that thread.
And here you hit the fatal iredeemable flaw. Everything should be in the first or second scene and certainly the first and every subsequent episode. Sitcom is strongly about repetition.
These are all passable if slightly under developed ideas. But they're nowhere in the episode you sent.
Also "a university student trying to make it under her own steam."
can you see how palid a description that is,
Quote: sootyj @ January 3 2012, 9:45 AM GMTAnd here you hit the fatal iredeemable flaw. Everything should be in the first or second scene and certainly the first and every subsequent episode. Sitcom is strongly about repetition.
These are all passable if slightly under developed ideas. But they're nowhere in the episode you sent.
Also "a university student trying to make it under her own steam."
can you see how palid a description that is,
Well, its not finished yet. 
And yes, that is a fairly perfunctory description, but there is obviously more to the character than I have condensed into one off-the-cuff sentence.
Is my cheese sandwich ready?
Yes
Where is it?
We're waiting to add the last bits.
What are they?
The bread, butter and cheese. We do have a small piece of parsley if you fancy that sir.
When the cheese sandwich is ready, I'll send it to a television company...
In which case till it's ready why don't you shove the parsley up your arse.
Hi Todd. Lose all the stuff when one woman tells the other woman stuff they BOTH already know. Put some jokes in it. Delineate the characters. Give it a story. A story means it has a beginning a middle and an end - even if it is just one scene here. If the the pay off is the woman is caught peeing in the lift at the end of the scene then it must pay off something set up at the beginning for example. Not just a random act.
Too clarify my earlier advice visa vis parsley and bottoms.
Posting a flawed script is fine, disagreeing with critics also fine. Constantly responding that there's a whole load of stuff I haven't posted. So your feedback is meaningless and I don't have to disagree.
Is just really irritating and time wasting!
Quote: sootyj @ January 3 2012, 12:42 PM GMTToo clarify my earlier advice visa vis parsley and bottoms.
Posting a flawed script is fine, disagreeing with critics also fine. Constantly responding that there's a whole load of stuff I haven't posted. So your feedback is meaningless and I don't have to disagree.
Is just really irritating and time wasting!
Sorry, Sootyj - what I mean is that all advice is being taken on board, and that I am not so arrogant as to think anything that I put in critique is in any way complete.
All feedback is welcome and immensely appreciated - that's why I post work in early stages of development.
Quote: Marc P @ January 3 2012, 12:37 PM GMTHi Todd. Lose all the stuff when one woman tells the other woman stuff they BOTH already know. Put some jokes in it. Delineate the characters. Give it a story. A story means it has a beginning a middle and an end - even if it is just one scene here. If the the pay off is the woman is caught peeing in the lift at the end of the scene then it must pay off something set up at the beginning for example. Not just a random act.
Thanks, Marc,
This is the vague story for episode one - although I think alterations are needed to include Ella's family...
Ella is on the run from the paparazzi. After a very public break up with Keith outside a Sydney Nightspot - Ella and Mel take refuge at an -up-market Surfer's Paradise hotel. As Ella promises her mother over the phone that she will not create any further bad press, she and Mel settle in for some topless sun bathing on the veranda - to the great excitement of the bell boys who are bringing them drinks. A spot of shopping is next on the list and Ella and Mel try on some outrageous fashions at the local boutiques.
Feeling a little bit tipsy at lunch, Ella is surprised when Mel points out that Keith is coming into the bar with Kirsty Shore on his arm. Frantically trying to finish her cocktail and leave, Ella drops a lemon from her cocktail down the front of her top. As Mel frantically tries to retrieve it, they are spotted by Keith and Kirsty.
Following this humiliation, Ella resolves to forget her problems with a night out on the town. With the help of a flamboyant stylist, Ella and Mel frock up in ridiculously skimpy outfits and very impractical shoes. As they approach the nightclub, they once again spot Keith and Kirsty, but Ella is determined to show him that she has moved on. In the nightclub, Ella and Mel disgrace themselves, dancing wildly and flirting - with Mel snogging a man on one of the nightclub couches while Ella and another man have fallen to the floor and roll around wildly. Mel is promptly dumped however, when she vomits on her man's shoes.
Ella is still cavorting when Keith walks past to order a drink for Kirsty - she staggers to her feet to let off a flurry of abuse and declares that she does not need him, but when Kirsty approaches and tells her to back off, she lunges at her and the two girls fight as a press photographer snaps frantically and Mel keeps drinking. There is a montage of photos of Ella in various stages of drunkenness and unruliness as Mel and Ella are taken to the door by the bouncers and ejected.
After the credits roll, we see the two girls arrive home with Rob and Bette complaining of their unruly antics. In spite of the trouble, however, the girls remember having an enjoyable time - and in a flashback we see the girls in a king sized bed in their suite - each with a man wrapped around them. Mel has the man Ella was with at the club and Ella has Keith. When Ella asks what happened to Kirsty, we see Kirsty on the lawn outside shouting for Keith as the sprinkler system turns on and drenches her.
I think there are problems with the end.
anyway, thanks for commenting...
Hi Todd.. I meant within the scene, every scene should have it's own structure.