Skit Comp 24.12.11 - 2.1.12!

Grate week so congratulations to OTTERFOX for winning hands-down, wtf does that expression mean. Get rat-flapped and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Points - Votes - Name

6 - 10 - Otterfox
2 - 5 - Shirl the Whirl, Shandonbelle
1 - 1 - Michael Monkhouse
Speckled mention: Nigel

Your new subject: SPOTS (chosen by Shirl The Whirl).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 5.1.12

Overall Leader Board is now:

Position - Points - Name
1 - 22 - Shirl the Whirl
2 - 21 - Kasm
3 - 20 - Shandonbelle
4 - 16 - Otterfox
5 - 10 - Timbo
6 - 1 - Ishy, Michael Monkhouse

PS Check out the hall of fame in the thread called, um, Hall of Fame.
PPS Have an obcenely good Kissm'arse season. My prayers for the New year are world peace, no more famine and a shower with Cameron Diaz.

MERRY CHRISTIAN

TV STUDIO.
TERRY CHRISTIAN and SOMEONE INTELLIGENT:

TERRY And so this is Christmas - and what have you done? - Another year over - and a new 'un just started... I'm Terry Christian and this is my show, 'The Terry Christian Show' - (proud) I thought of that - and my guest tonight is international affairs expert Anthony Robinson. Mr Robinson, hi.

ANTHONY Hello.

TERRY So what foreign stuff's been in the news this year?

ANTHONY Thank you. Well only this week a series of bombings have shaken Baghdad, where...

TERRY (laughs)

ANTHONY What?

TERRY 'Baghdad', sounds right daft. You could make a joke, like: Where's yer bag, dad? - Me bag? - You left yer bag, dad, in Baghdad!

ANTHONY These are actually very serious news items.

TERRY Sorry.

ANTHONY Whilst the allegedly democratic Turkish government has rounded up hundreds of Kurds...

TERRY And way to go!

ANTHONY I'm sorry?

TERRY Curds and whey. There's this nursery rhyme, Little Miss Muffet...

ANTHONY I can't believe this. I'm trying to cover significant events... 2011 also witnessed uprisings in Tahrir...

TERRY Or to-there! Or maybe ta-rah for now!

ANTHONY And in India's Dikshit...

TERRY (laughs)

ANTHONY Or the Philippines' Sexmoan...

TERRY (creases up)

ANTHONY Not forgetting Japan's Gofuku, Switzerland's Titless, our very own Cockintake...

TERRY (collapsing)

ANTHONY Then spots like Iran's Gash, China's Long Dong, Australia's Blowhard, Turkey's Bigadic, the West Indies' Little Dix Village, Wales' Three Cocks... Right that's it Terry.

TERRY (trying to control himself) Sorry mate, it's just - Dikshit...

ANTHONY I came here to discuss international affairs. Now if you don't calm down I shall leave.

TERRY No - soz, I'm all right now.

ANTHONY Thank you... This year also saw the tragic floods in Asia and politicians determined to visit. All over the world upstanding members said, 'We're going to Bangkok...'

PAUSE.

TERRY What?

KEN SPECK(GRUFF) IS IN A DOCTORS SURGERY SPEAKING WITH THE DOCTOR.

KEN:
What kind of an idiot are you? Of course I'm sure I wasn't always like this. I've got seven thousand and ninety four spots on my body!

DOC:
It's just that they look old.

KEN:
How can spots look old!? What's on that report you're reading? How come your surgery is four floors up, I hate stairs!

DOC:
You could have taken the elevator.

KEN:
Uuh, elevators are not much better, if not, not much worse. How come your window is so big? This is crap. Fix me!

DOC:
Have you been around wild animals recently?

KEN:
No. Why?

DOC:
Because you've got the pox Mr.Speck.

KEN:
Small or chicken?

DOC:
Small, chicken, pandapox, monkeypox, crowpox, acne, rash, ringworm, measles, foals toe, penalty spots and face piles. To be honest you're utterly disgusting.

THE DOCTOR BRINGS OUT A CHART.

DOC(CNTD):
Looking at the disgustment chart here Mr. Speck we can see that you are right off the radar. Quite a way past deplorably rotten.

KEN:
Listen you dick, you better sort this out and don't mention any animals again or I'll nail your head to your shin, got it!? Now shit-head tell me what the hell is happening to me?

DOC:
Well your test results are back. Here we are...you're a, you're a prick Mr. Speck. Yes I'm afraid there is little doubt; you are a complete and absolute prick.

KEN:
In the medical sense or in a derogatory sense? 'Cos if it's derogatory i'll....

DOC:
Kick my teeth out through my eyes, fill my ears with firelighters and throw me into a volcano. This is the type of prickness to which I refer. You are a prick in every way that one can be a prick Mr. Speck, be it medical, derogatorily, socially, subconsciously, physically, preternaturally, verbally, orally or aurally.

KEN:
Give it to me straight!

DOC:
I thought I just did but here we go. You are an utterly horrendous human being in every conceivable way. You have had countless..ahem...liaisons with all manner of beast and your litany of diseases is the consequence.

KEN IS NOW SEETHING WITH RAGE.

DOC:
Please leave before you burst all over my surgery.

KEN:
Burst you up more like!

KEN STEPS FORWARD OMINOUSLY. THE DOCTOR PRODUCES A STEP OF A STAIRS. KEN SCREAMS AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR. WE HEAR AN EXPLOSION.

DOC:
What a prick.

HE SWIVELS AROUND IN HIS CHAIR NONCHALANTLY.

END.

TWO YOUNG WOMEN, PAIGE AND MEGAN, HAVE MET UP FOR A COFFEE.

MEGAN -
Did you have a nice Christmas, Paige?

PAIGE -
Okay I suppose.

MEGAN -
Oh hun, that doesn't sound good.

PAIGE -
I might be splitting up with Sam.

MEGAN -
Oh babes, why?

PAIGE -
I wasn't very happy with one of the presents in my stocking.

MEGAN -
That's no reason to split up.

PAIGE -
He bought me a tube of Clearasil.

MEGAN -
Is that so awful?

PAIGE -
It's like saying, "Happy Christmas, Spotty".

MEGAN -
He was bound to notice them sooner or later.

PAIGE -
Oh my God! Are you calling me spotty as well?

MEGAN -
No, babes.....but you have got a few pimples.

PAIGE -
Why don't you just call me zitface? Well for your information, everyone thinks you're a bit gobby!

MEGAN -
Since when?

PAIGE -
Since they started to call you Megan the Mouth.

MEGAN -
Oh, that's nice, coming from Pustulating Paige. I don't know what Sam ever saw in you in the first place. What else was in your stocking? Diet chocolate? Teeth Whitener? Deodorant?

PAIGE - (BURSTS INTO TEARS)
Who told you?

MEGAN -
Oh Babes, he didn't really, did he?

PAIGE -
Yes, he did.

MEGAN -
Oh, what a skank! Just dump him, hun.

PAIGE -
Do you think I should?

MEGAN -
Of course, babes, you're worth more than that.

PAIGE -
Yeah, I will. You're a mate.

MEGAN -
Thanks hun. Love you.

A PATIENT RECOVERS AFTER PLASTIC SURGERY AND LOOKS AT HIMSELF IN A HAND MIRROR. HIS FACE IS COVERED IN MASSIVE SPOTS.

PLASTIC SURGEON:
How is that?

PATIENT:
Do you know when I said I wanted to stick out in a crowd...

5TH FLOOR OF A SHABBY BUILDING - OPTICIANS OFFICE.

OPTICIAN (male - early 50's)
My methods may be unconventional but the results speak for themselves...look (takes a certificate from his desk, holds it up to show for a split second before replacing it on a wall at the far side of the room).

MAN
I've come to.....

OPTICIAN
You see I like to ascertain a base level before any technical tests are even considered.
Relax....now (Holds a teaspoon before the mans eyes) look into the back of this spoon, tell me what you see?

MAN
Eh... it looks like dried in egg.

OPTICIAN
No.... (Snatches spoon away and throws it into a filthy sink, holds up another spoon) ...try again, now what do you see?

MAN
I don't think you understand...(peers closely into the spoon) oh, I've got something on my nose (feels nose, then scratches at the spoon) no, it's the spoon...there's some yogurt or cheese sauce perhaps...right there in the middle...

OPTICIAN (Becoming agitated, he snatches the spoon away and throws it in the sink)
This time, tell me how many spots you can see on this (holds a polka dot tea towel aloft)

MAN
This really isn't what I came for...I wasn't expecting...

OPTICIAN
You've seen my certificate...now how many spots can you see?

MAN
Em (counts) sixteen.

OPTICIAN
NO, (counts) there are fourteen spots in total.

MAN
(Takes a closer look) Oh yes, fourteen, the other two look like...em...ketchup or salsa...possibly...

OPTICIAN
You clearly have an optical disturbance, I recommend further tests....

MAN
I didn't come for an eye test.

OPTICIAN (enraged)
Then what the blazes have you been doing wasting my precious time for the last three quarters of an hour?

MAN
I'm from the Environmental Health Service.... I hereby condemn your 'practice' as unfit until further notice.
I'll see (makes quotation sign with fingers) myself out.

Shirl the Whirl.

I've got to vote for Otterfox on the strength of this line alone

DOC:
Well your test results are back. Here we are...you're a, you're a prick Mr. Speck.

Otterfox for me this week...great skit.

Between Mikey Monkhouse and Shandonbelle again this week but this time Mr. Monkhouse pips it.

Otterfox.