Opening scene I'm working on

I pictured this as a "cold open" pre-creds scene. I've got the second act down, working on the third currently but I keep feeling like the open needs work. Some feedback would be much appreciated/rewarded with cake (there will be no cake).

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

ALAN - 40 y/o, tall with a paunch - fiddles with his tie at the dinner table.

SUSAN - 38 y/o, attractive brunette - chases ABBY - 6 y/o - around the room trying to put a coat on her.

SUSAN
(out of breath)
No, seriously, Alan, don't help.

ALAN
(struggling)
I'm trying to... Put... This...

SUSAN
No, seriously, Alan, you have to help. I can't catch her, she's like greased fish.

Susan gives up and Alan stands, scooping up Abby from the floor.

ABBY
Weee!

ALAN
Don't you dare, this is a new suit. If you get wee on it, we're feeding you to the bins outside! Yes we are!

Abby looks worried.

SUSAN
Alan, don't say that. That's a horrible thing to say!

Alan hands over Abby to Susan who forcefully maneuvers a coat over Abby's wriggling limbs.

ALAN
It's true! I will dump her in the skip like she's a... A... I had something for this...

SAM - 19 y/o - enters holding his laptop, taking the toast out of the toaster.

SAM
Like a used condom on prom night.

Alan and Susan wretch in disgust.

SUSAN
My God, you are vile.

Sam shrugs and gets out a plate for his toast.

Susan tries to get Abby to eat a banana.

ABBY
I want Kit Kat!

SUSAN
This is like a big yellow tubular Kit Kat.

ABBY
Kit Kat!

ALAN
(to SAM, quiet)
Why do you say things like that in front of your mother?

SAM
Why do you say things like that when she's not here? Does that make you a better person?

Alan looks confused.

ALAN
I...

SAM
Forget it. Have you been watching those shows I told you for today?

ALAN
You realise it's just...

SAM
It doesn't matter what it's just. You need to do well in this job or we'll all be living like unwanted dumpster babies.

SUSAN
They're called "skips" in this country, stop talking like an American.

SAM
Yeah well they also say Jaguar like "Jag-wire" which sounds like something you'd stab an inmate with, so I'll stick to the Yank vocab.

ALAN
(to SAM, quiet)
Can't you just lay off today? She's been having a bit of a dark period at work.

SAM
I'm no menstrual expert but I think that means it's nearly over.

ALAN
That's disgusting.

SUSAN
(busy)
What's disgusting?

ALAN
(to SAM)
Thanks for that! Now she's gonna think I'm--

Susan is now standing real close to Alan.

SUSAN
She's gonna think you're what?

ALAN
(nervous)
Now she's... Gonna... Think I'm gonna... Bye! I have to go, I don't want to be late.

Alan kisses Susan who begrudgingly accepts his advance.

SAM
Fix your tie, Dad, you look like a Japanese businessman jonesing for a knicker vending machine.

SUSAN
(to SAM)
Does the internet make you talk like this?

SAM
Yes.

Sam takes a bite of some toast.

SAM (cont.)
It really does.

Just copy it and paste it in a reply box on here - it will make it easier for us to read.

Thanks, Todd.

My that was a pain to clean up, hope it was worth it.

I think it's funny - I also spat my tea at a couple of Sam's remarks. A bit "My Family" or "Outnumbered" - but more adult. Would Sam still talk like that if he were nineteen?
It would make sense if Sam were admonished for speaking the way he does in front of the little girl. His comments would be cut off very sharply in most households I know!
Very up to date. Try to have the characters introduced a bit more clearly, let us know who they are (names) and what they are preparing for.
Very up to the minute - I think a lot of people would find it funny and identify with the family dynamic. Having younger children around when older ones come out with their 'issues; and language is something a lot of households deal with!

Thanks for reading. And I'm nineteen and I still talk like that so I take an enormous great big umbrage with your insolence!

But yeah, what I usually write is male-orientated pop-culture joke-joke-joke-pause-joke-joke slacker stuff so I wanted to actually try to write something with an actual female in it.

I think the admonishment is a point, I could have the Mum come down harder on Sam with the Dad trying to play good cop. That's how families work, right?

Also, good note on introductions: I am always terrified of including people's names in dialogue, I'd hate to be one of THOSE writers that ends everything line with the person who they're talking to's name.

Glad I could offer some assistance!

Quote: masterfox20 @ December 30 2011, 10:01 AM GMT

SAM
Forget it. Have you been watching those shows I told you for today?

ALAN
You realise it's just...

View original

Sorry, what is happening here?

I'm already imagining Hugh Bonneville as the dad and the Jack Dee's Lead Balloon daughter's boyfriend as the son. I think its a decent start.

Quote: oh ffs @ December 30 2011, 12:38 PM GMT

Sorry, what is happening here?

I'm already imagining Hugh Bonneville as the dad and the Jack Dee's Lead Balloon daughter's boyfriend as the son. I think its a decent start.

View original

Oh yeah sorry that's a link to a joke in the next scene. Alan is a lowly TV producer (shopping TV, etc) and he's going for a job interview, Sam gave him a season of The West Wing on DVD to get him speaking confidently but Alan starts panicking, talking too fast, thinks he can hear that god-awful soundtrack, etc.

And I tell you what, Hugh Bonneville is who I pictured as the dad too. Haven't seen much Lead Balloon, but I saw Sam as your average new-media hipster, all "I'm an intellectual, I've read Dostoevsky... Well, it's on my Kindle" who's all sizzle and no steak.

Quote: masterfox20 @ December 30 2011, 1:43 PM GMT

Oh yeah sorry that's a link to a joke in the next scene. Alan is a lowly TV producer (shopping TV, etc) and he's going for a job interview, Sam gave him a season of The West Wing on DVD to get him speaking confidently but Alan starts panicking, talking too fast, thinks he can hear that god-awful soundtrack, etc.

View original

Right, well you may want to be a bit more specific in the first scene as "those shows" implies that we, the viewers, should have prior knowledge about them.

Or, if you want the 'reveal' in the next scene, then maybe the more general "Did you watch that DVD I gave you dad?" would be more appropriate and intriguing and gives you the chance to write a gag where Susan at first assumes porn is involved.

A couple of lines I personally would work on - ALAN

Quote: masterfox20 @ December 30 2011, 1:43 PM GMT

It's true! I will dump her in the skip like she's a... A... I had something for this...

View original

The 'I had something for this' seems a little contrived to me

and

Quote: masterfox20 @ December 30 2011, 1:43 PM GMT

ALAN
(to SAM)
Thanks for that! Now she's gonna think I'm--

Susan is now standing real close to Alan.

SUSAN
She's gonna think you're what?

ALAN
(nervous)
Now she's... Gonna... Think I'm gonna... Bye! I have to go, I don't want to be late.

View original

I couldn't quite grasp what Susan was going to think.

All good notes -

I'll take out the "I had something for this", the joke still works with him just fumbling for a quip.

Great idea about the DVD, simple and effective.

And I thought that Susan standing behind him and him clamming up right away showed her intimidation and that he was worried she would think he was talking about something vaguely naughty. It wasn't that strong a joke, I just needed an out to get Alan to the interview.