Josh's Giants. Not a comedy but feedback please.

This is just a little but of my first chapter, tell me what you think please guys. I was aiming this story to start off as a book for children.

It is Josh's first day at school and he is extremely nervous about what the day and the next five years at school in tale for him. He can already see who the class idiots or bullies will be and he is suddenly intimidated by them. The dreaded sound of that school bell, it is now time for Josh's fist ever lesson. Josh is scouting around the classroom to see who his potential friends could be and who the bullies are. Josh's form tutor, Mr. Eldon calls for the class to take part in an icebreaker. "Five, four, three, two, one and quiet please! My name is Mr. Eldon and I will be your form tutor for your time at this school. Now I want to get to know you all and gather a good and strong relationship with your, so we are just going to do a little icebreaker activity. I want you all to get in a circle and in turn answer the following questions, your name? What do you want to be when you're older? Your Interests"
The Class follow Mr Eldon's orders and Josh reluctantly joins in, a couple of his class mates are before him, they gave the usual answers, when children are asked the question of what they want to do when they are older? A professional footballer, a singer and even a fireman, it was now Josh's turn to answer the questions.
"My name is Joshua Francis; I only really have one interest which is football I love going out and playing football with my friends. I would really like to become a really successful football coach when I am older." Josh scratches his neck in a nervous manner and sits down. Then a shout comes from a class member named Ben who immediately gives of the effect of a bully.
"Ahhh good look you little batty boy, you don't stand a chance!" Ben gives Josh a death defying stare with narrow eyes and sits down to the laughter of his buddies. However Ben's angry statement does not go down well with Mr Eldon.
"Excuse me young man, have a little bit of respect for your class mates and if I hear anymore bullying or language like that you will be straight out of my class, are you alright Josh?
Josh just nods at Mr Eldon with slumped shoulders. It is now time for Lunch, Josh leaves the classroom last only to walk round the door to be met by a strong grip around his neck. Ben and his three friends begin the bullying scheme on Josh.
"I am going to make your life hell at this school, if you tell anyone about this and I will kill you! You hear, you skinny little...." Ben is interrupted by another class member who has being watching the whole thing!
"Leave the kid along or you will have me to deal with all three of you leave now!"
Ben and his groupies take a big gulp and run away off to lunch. Josh looks at his class mate in a tense way and shies away from him.
"Hey pal, you alright? The name is Josh, right?"
Josh starts to loosen his limbs as he sees that his class mate is actually I nice person. Josh is more than happy to respond to his new friend.
"Yes, I'm alright why do people feel the need to make you feel down? I did nothing to them! Sorry about ranting on, yes it is. I didn't catch your name, sorry."
"Look, just ignore them they are obviously insecure about themselves so they dish out abuse to other people. The name is Ryan, fancy going to lunch with me? We can go to the shopping centre outside of school." Josh accepts Ryan's invitation with open arms, they wonder off to lunch and both start to really get along. Josh learns that Ryan is also a massive fan of football and turns out the support the same team, Hull City.

Thomas, I think someone has tried to break it to you gently but please look at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0281453/
It's tough but there is nothing new under the sun.

This is an uninterestin narration.

You don't seem to have the basic skills for story telling.

Might I reccomend a creative writing course.

or trying cookery instead.

It reminds me a bit of the beginning of "Lord of the Flies" - similar personalities' set-up, different location.

Imo, it's no worse than the usual soap-plot standard.

Keep writing.. the more you practice, the "luckier" you'll get and all that..

Quote: sootyj @ December 29 2011, 10:39 AM GMT

This is an uninterestin narration.

You don't seem to have the basic skills for story telling.

Might I reccomend a creative writing course.

or trying cookery instead.

View original

C'mon soots, that's not very helpful is it?

However, I may not approve of the manner of the criticism, I have to agree with its essence. This seems very much like a first attempt, and in all honesty it's not very good. BUT, you've got an idea and you've written it, which is a great start. Keep at it, but look at other children's books and see how they're written.

Best of luck.

I think the suggestion of doing a creative writing course is VERY constructive feedback. Without some guidance I'm afraid this writer will get nowhere, slowly, no matter how much they practice.

Fair enough. It was the last comment which I particularly took umbrage at.

This is something I have just started and I am not looking to start being serious with it yet because I have a good chance of being succesful with my football at the minute. But I do think some of the criticism was harsh, it hasn't bothered me because I am not fully intrested in writing. But just think how that would make someone who actually quite serious on this subjuect feel. I myself believe that constructive criticism is a good way to go about helping someone but if you end a piece of constructive criticism with a pitty little joke, then you are not going to be taken seriously and just be putting someone in bad mood thinking they are not good at the thing they like. So I think sooty, you should really change the way you about helping other people, because in fairness it's not too helpful. Another thing is that I didn't realise there is something called Jossy's giants, but oh well, football seems to be the way for me.

You didn't realise there was Jossy's Giants?

nb taking Ambridge Rob, are you invading the Archers.

Honestly if you're not bothered, don't bother.
If you are slightly then I suppose I could go through in minute detail the sum total of your errors. And how frankly there is that much to constructively criticise. But to be honest sometimes the advice is "stop and start over."

By the way hint 1 anytime you feel the need to have a narrator who isn't part of the story describe the action. You're not onto a winner.

The dialogue, imagery and narrative should be doing all of that.

You can thank me when you get the Booker prize for your next story.

I looked at jossy's giants, and it came out in the 1980's, I am 17 so I think I can be forgiven for not watching something that was made 10 years before I was born. You can fire away with your criticism if you really like but I won't take notice of it, because I couldn't care in the slightest what you think. I was bored last night and couldn't sleep so I thought I would just have a little play about with a story. If I ever took writing on it would be something to do on the side, because I have my football and have a chance of becoming successful since I have a few semi-pro team and professional team looking at me. I agree that constructive criticism if good but how can someone take your criticism seriously if your cracking out your silly little jokes that aren't needed.

The set-up has the potential to make quite a happy childrens story. You do, however, need to hone your writing skills. The tense jumps from past to present - pick one and stay in it. I recommend past.
It is also sometimes unclear who is who and who is saying what - it may be clear to you - but not to the reader at this point. The first part sounds more like a synopisis of what is happening than the story itself. Try to tell us what is happening from Josh's point of view, not what is happening to Josh. Instead of "It was Josh's first day at school. He was extremely nervous." - "Josh shuddered as he stood before the gates of the school. With a nevrvous gulp, he realised that he would be here for five long years. With the noise of the school bell ringing in his ears, he stepped inside.".
Even that's not particularly good - but ou get the idea.
What does the character sense - sight, touch, hearing, taste, smell?
Take a look at my "Out of Conrol" and let me know your thoughts.
Hope I could help

Yes, thanks todd. This is the kind of criticism that will help people actually telling them some points that can improve their story. Take a look and learn sooty pal. I read this having a bit of respect of todd, I read yours sooty and just ignored it, thought who the f*ck are you to speak me like crap.

That Thomas old bean is the funniest thing you typed all day.

I'd check how you got the economic language working and character changes.