not very good, anythoughts?
SCENE1
LONDON EXT MORNING CONT
BOB IS SNEAKING THROUGH LONDONS BACK STREETS, HE IS WEARING A HOODY, BASEBALL CAP AND SUNGLASSES. BASICALLY HE IS TRYING VERY BADLY TO LOOK INCONSPICUOS.
HE WALKS DOWN A DAR K ALLEY AND HAS A LAST CONSPICUOS LOOK AROUND. BEFORE PULLING A DOOR OPEN THAT IS CONCEALED BEHIND A STACK OF CARDBOARD BOXES WHICH ARE STUCK TO IT IN SUCH A WAY THAT THE WHOLE THING PULLS AWAY.
THIS REVEALS A THICK STEEL DOOR WITH A COMPLEX SECURITY LOCKING MECHANSIM IN IT'S CENTRE.
BOB CAREFULLY WITHDRAWS A CREDIT CARD AND SWIPES THE LOCK
ELECTRONIC VOICE(FROM THE LOCK)
Security protocol one biometric card completed.
BOB PUSHES HIS EYE UP AGAINST THE LOCK
ELECTRONIC VOICE (FROM THE LOCK)
Security protocol two optical venous record completed
BOB PUSHES HIS FINGER INTO THE LOCK AND WINCES
ELECTRONIC VOICE (FROM THE LOCK)
Security protocol three checked blood type reference cross referenced
BOB PULLS HIS SLIGHTLY BLEEDING FINGER OUT AND SUCKS IT
BOB TYPES IN THE KEYPAD
ELECTRONIC VOICE (FROM THE LOCK)
Pin not recognised.
BOB RETRYS HIS PIN SEVERAL TIMES
EACH TIME
ELECTRONIC VOICE
Pin not recognised
BOB THUMPS THE LOCK IN FRUSTRATION
ELECTRONIC VOICE (FROM THE LOCK)
Rebooting
FX THE "WINDOWS 7 REBOOTINGTHEME"
BOB THUMPS THE DOOR IN FRUSTRATION
THE DOOR OPENS IT IS OPENED BY TONY A STARBUCKS EMPLOYEE IN A STARBUCKS UNIFORM.
TONY
Alright matey no need to break the door. Are you here for the secret government bunker?
BOB
Yes! I mean no, I mean what government bunker.
TONY
4th floor 2nd office.
TONY WALKS OFF
BOB GRABS THE DOOR WE CAN SEE HE HAS BEEN FUMBLING TO GET AT HIS PISTOL HE DROPS IT, IT GOES OFF HE HURRYS INSIDE.
BOB'S PISTOL LIES OUTSIDE THE NOW SHUT DOOR.
FX SOUND OF STRUGGLE FROM OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR, WHICH IS BOB TRYING TO GET OUT SO HE CAN GET HIS PISTOL BACK
FOLLOWED BY MUFFLED SWEARING AND WHAT MAYBE CRYING.
SCENE2
JEFF IS STANDING INFRONT OF A BATHROOM MIRROR HE IS A FIT ACTION HERO TYPE IN A NEAT WHITE SINGLET. HE IS TALKING INTO WHAT IS APPARENTLY HIS RADIO CONCEALED IN A SMALL BLACK SMOOTH PEBBLE
CONTROL (HIS BOSS COMING FROM THE PEBBLE)
How goes the operation Falcon?
JEFF
After 6 months the tangoes have fully accepted me. I've developed a close emotional relationship with the leadership. Penetration is complete is it time for my extraction yet?
CONTROL
No
JEFF
Control are you sure these tangoes are the most pressing threat to UK security?
CONTROL
Yes.
FX OOV HAMMERING ON THE DOOR
JEFF
Going dark control.
JEFF SQUEEZES THE PEBBLE TO TURN IT OFF AND PUTS HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK, BY HIS SQUINT WE CAN ASSUME HE HAS JUST SHOVED HIS COMMUNICATION DEVICE UP HS ARSE
FX OOV HAMMERING ON THE DOOR GETS LOUDER
DENZIL OOV
Come on get out here we know what you'r e upto man!
JEFF PULLS ON A SUSPICIOULSY NEAT AND IRONED MUMU HALF HEARTEDLY RUFFLES HIS HAIR AND POPS ON A SINGLE CLIP ON EARING
DENZIL OOV
If you don't open that door right now things are going to get messy!
JEFF OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR DNEZEL A FAT SCRUFFY HIPPY PUSHES PAST HIM
DENZIL
Bloody lentil curry!
DENZEL SLAMS THE DOOR
FX LOUD ALMOST VIOLENT FARTING
JEFF IS NOW FACING A MEETING ROOM FULL OF HIPPYS MOSTLY WOMEN, SOME DOGS ON ROPE, EVERYONE HAS CRUSTY DREDDS ETC.
JEFF STANDS OUT ABSURDLY AS OBVIOUSLY AN UNDERCOVER SECRET AGENT
HIPPY LADY1
I'm pretty sure we've been infiltrated by the man.
JEFF LOOKS NERVOUS
HIPPY LADY2
Rubbish Agatha, now next on the agenda the sex rota.
HIPPYS OF ALL GENDERS AND A COUPLE OF THE DOGS LOOK EXPECTANTLY AT JEFF.
JEFF L00KS SAD
SCENE 3
BOB IS WALKING ALONG THE CORRIDORS OF THE GOVERNMENT BUNKER
IT LOOKS LIKE IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN STATE OF THE ART IN THE 1980S AND IS NOW FALLING APART
HE TAKES OFF HIS HOODY AND BASEBALL CAP AND STICKS THEM IN A TESCO CARRIER BAG HE IS NOW WEARING A TOPMAN STYLE SHINY SUIT
HE IS ACCOMPANYING GWYNETH, A YOUNG LADY IN A SIMILAR ETAM STYLE WORK EXPERIENCE SUIT
GWYNETH
...this shelter costs a fortune to maintain. And we're right below Oxford Street so it made perfect sense to rent the excess space to Starbucks. They've got 12 branches above us and the bio warfare filters keep the muffins fresh for a whole extra week.
THEY WALK INTO A CONFERENCE ROOM WITH A TABLE AJAY AND JAMSINE ARE THERE BOREDLY POKING AT LAPTOPS ALL SEEM TO BE ALSO IN THEIR 20S AND WEARING SIMILAR NASTY SUITS
BOB
Good thing I didn't shoot him eh?
GWYNETH
Too right Starbucks cu t off our lattes for a month last time we did that, you'd be very unpopular on your first day.
Yo guy new meat!
AJAY AND JASMINE LOOK UP
AJAY
Yo
JASMINE
Hi!
BOB
Hi (turning back to GWYNETH) but what about security? I mean that guy just wondered in? That mocca monkey could be listening in to our state secrets!
SIR STJOHN WALKS IN AN ABSURDLY POSH LOOKING CIVIL SERVANT HE IS WEARING A STARBUCKS APRON OVER HIS PINSTRIPE SUIT.
HE IS ALSO CARRYING A SMALL CARDBOARD TRAY OF STARBUCKS COFFEES
AJAY AND JASMINE JUMP UP AND SALUTE
JASMINE
Sir StJohn!
AJAY
Sir StJohn!
GWYNETH
Sir StJohn!
STJOHN
Settle down bucks and does, ah and this is the new bug!
BOB
Sorry sir. I thought you worked for Starbucks. Didn't realise you were undercover. I mean the head of special operations executive working as a Mocca Monkey how foolish ha ha.
BOB STOPS LAUGHING NO ONE ELSE IS INFACT EVERYONE ELSE IS STARING AT HIM.
ST JOHN
I do work for Starbucks, there pension is a lot better than the public sector one.
SCENE 4
2 TERRORISTS ARE INFILTRATING 10 DOWNING STREET THEY ARE BOTH CARRYING AK47S AND WEARING SUICIDE VESTS.
THEY ARE SNEAKING DOWN THE MAIN CORRIDOR
A CHAR WOMAN (ANE) APPEARS PUSHING A TEA TROLLEY
ANE SCREAMS AND RUNS OFF
TERRORIST1 RAISES HIS RIFLE AND AIMS IT AT ANE
TERRORIST2 KNOCKS THE RIFLE AWAY
TERRORIST1
Don't be foolish she is a mere tea woman and gunfire will give us away.
TERRORIST2
Ha! Yes soon we will have our vengance.
TERRORIST1
You don't ignore the Dali Llama and live!
TERRORIST1 PULLS OUT A PHOTO OF THE DALAI LLAMA AND KISSES IT
TERRORIST2 PULLS OUT A PHOTO FOF BONO AND KISSES IT
TERRORIST1
See you in the after life under the Joshua Tree!
TERRORSIT 2 DROPS TO THE FLOOR HE HAS A SAUCER STICKING OUT OF HIS FOREHEAD
TERRORIST TURNS TO FACE ANE WHO WE CAN NOW SEE IS A SIGOURNEY WEAVER IN ALIENS STYLE FEMALE BAD ASS
SHE IS POSED TO THROW ANOTHER SAUCER
TERRORIST1 NERVOUSLY FINGER HIS RIFLE.. THIS IS A MEXICAN STANDOFF
TERRORIST1
Prepare to meet your maker, by which I mean the eternal cycle of reincarnation and not a specific diety. Although some aspects of the universe can be manifested as...eurgh.
TERRORIST1 FALLS TO THE GROUND WITH A SAUCER STICKING OUT OF HIS FOREHEAD.
ANE GAZES AT THE CORPSES WITH CONTEMPT
ANE
Justice is served. 2 thumps your through.
ANE PULLS OUT A RADIO FROM THE TEA URN, WIPES IT DOWN WITH A TEA TOWEL
ANE
This is Budgie calling in I was right Islam is over, the new threat is radical Budhists.
SCENE5
THE CONFERENCE ROOM IN THE BUNKER AJAY, JASMINE AND GWYNETH ARE TYPING ON THEIR LAPTOPS THEY SIT INFRONT OF 3 OLDFASHIONED BAKALYTE PHONES (ONE RED, ONE BLUE, AND ONE IN THE COLOURS OF THE US FLAG~)
ST JOHN IS LEANING BACK ON A SWIVEL CHAIR AND TALKING ON A BAKALYTE PHONE WITH UNION JACK STRIPES
TONY STANDS FIDGETING LIKE A NAUGHTY SCHOOL BOY NEXT TO HIM.
ST JOHN
..ok Budgie so you were right about the Budhists I owe you a biscotti...no I don't get them for free....no we are not going to arrest all the Budhists in London....well alright I'll contemplate assassinating Sting.
STJOHN HANGS UP
lovely gal but terribly ernest. Oh do stop looking like you've disgraced your trousers old boy.
TONY
Sorry Sir StJohn. There's nothing wrong with working for Starbucks but umh aren't you in charge of special operations for British intelligence, I mean how do you get the time to.
SIR STJOHN
Dear boy. What do you do think intelligence does?
TONY
Assesses threats to the united kingdom and it's allies, observes known opposing forces, builds international links..
GWYNETH
All of which can be done by any noob with Google. I mean most of our enemies have blogs, I mean I'm reading the President of Iran's blog.
TONY
The president of Iran has a blog.
GWYNETH
WWW.canIhaznuclearweapons.com
AJAY
And I'm following the dear leader of North Korea on twitter, he's trending that he's trying to weaponize Viagra and drop it on the Rio Carnival. It'll be an orgy of destuction Sir StJohn can we let him get away with it?
JASMINE
Pig. Basically that's all that's left of the British secret service.
TONY
That's it? Don't we have any agents? What are the phones for?
SIR STJOHN
Yes we have a couple of agents. Mostly publicity stuff for the government round about byelections. Hi profile arrests get some headlines that sort of thing. It's all we've got the budget for.
TONY
And the phones?
GWYNETH
The stripy one is the US hotline, if it rings we agree to whatever they want us to do. The blue ones the EU, if it rings we do whatever they ask us to do but grumble about it.
TONY
The red one?
AJAY
China if it rings we surrender.
SIR STJOHN
And I dial the primeminister and tell him who we're surrendering to.
JASMINE
On the plus side we have loads of spare time. I'm an eBay trader and Ajay's managing his cousins Bhnagra dance troop they're up for Xfactor.
AJAY
Shh that's confidential.
FX ALL 3 PHONES START RINGING
AJAY, JASMINE AND GWYNETH STARE IN PARALYSED SURPRISE FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ANSWER THEM
AJAY
Hello I see...
GWYNETH
Bonjour, right...
JASMINE
Hi, ok....
SIR STJOHN
AJAY
The Americans
GWYNETH
The Europeans
JASMINE
And the Chinese all want our help.
SIR STJOHN
Shit sticks.