First try at standup...thoughts?

Would sound something a bit like this...

I was watching the news today and it was talking about Gary Speed, anybody see this. Turns out the reason he committed suicide was because of a huge row he had with his wife on the might of his death. Apparently it all stemmed from Gary going for a high five... but his wife left him hanging.

Seriously though I sympathise with his kids they were at the Leeds match at the weekend but didn't want to be shown on camera and that went along with my idea that kids are a lot more shy nowadays. It's just like my little nephew,he always says to me that he is nervous about going to the dentist, you see he always panic before he goes in. I told her 'dont worry it's just like when I come round' and she asked me 'in what what way'? So I told her 'well I get you numb and stick thing in your mouth don't I'?

Hey don't blame me kids are just getting sexier.... for me they're a lot like quicksand the harder the pull the harder it gets....

Another thing I saw on the news was that the amount of divorces in England are up 20% this decade... And I can relate to this me wife have had our problems. The biggest problem for me is premature ejaculation, im always gone before I can get her clothes off..... I tell you my wife's having trouble getting the cum stains off my daughters top.

A lesson in the wisdom of posting when you've had a drink I'd say.

Quote: SlightlyInappropriate @ December 7 2011, 10:38 PM GMT

Would sound something a bit like this...

I was watching the news today and it was talking about Gary Speed, anybody see this. Turns out the reason he committed suicide was because of a huge row he had with his wife on the might of his death. Apparently it all stemmed from Gary going for a high five... but his wife left him hanging.

Seriously though I sympathise with his kids they were at the Leeds match at the weekend but didn't want to be shown on camera and that went along with my idea that kids are a lot more shy nowadays. It's just like my little nephew,he always says to me that he is nervous about going to the dentist, you see he always panic before he goes in. I told her 'dont worry it's just like when I come round' and she asked me 'in what what way'? So I told her 'well I get you numb and stick thing in your mouth don't I'?

Hey don't blame me kids are just getting sexier.... for me they're a lot like quicksand the harder the pull the harder it gets....

Another thing I saw on the news was that the amount of divorces in England are up 20% this decade... And I can relate to this me wife have had our problems. The biggest problem for me is premature ejaculation, im always gone before I can get her clothes off..... I tell you my wife's having trouble getting the cum stains off my daughters top.

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Okay...

The first thing is, don't say something that is totally made-up about an event where the audience knows at least as much as you. So when you say "he committed suicide was because of a huge row he had with his wife" then your audience has to at least be comfortable with it. My guess is, like this reader, they won't be.

On a more general point, why not read it out aloud, record it, and work out how many laugh points there are? I mean places where people will ACTUALLY laugh, not where you think you are being clever. Also, how many points do you have where people might be tempted to walk out or throw things at you? Ideally you want loads of the laugh points and none of the walk-outs. In my view your numbers are wrong at the moment, and by some distance. Good luck, though.

Im generally supportive of new comedians' (Im one myself) material regardless of the material, as you want dudes to keep at it and keep trying. Plus much of my own stuff, when I re-read it, is shite, so I know how tough it is to get a set together. But this was just a crass awful misdirected attempt at shock comedy in my opinion.

Proper, and I mean, real shock comedy should have an underlying agenda and often says the things that we all want to see/hear/say but wouldnt/couldnt articulate ourselves. If not, you might as well be Jim Davidson spewing out offensive and pointless crap. I mean, there might as well have been a few racist gags in as well, tbh.

And from what Ive read on these forums, paedophilia gags are soooooo passe.

Ive NEVER felt the need to be this honest before, but please...

MUST TRY HARDER...

ps. Its probably someone like Frankie Boyle using a psuedonym. haha

It's a "no" from me.

I hear the tolling of a distant bell. What's that? Oh, some tumbleweed just blew by.

Quote: Aldeem @ December 9 2011, 4:33 PM GMT

I hear the tolling of a distant bell. What's that? Oh, some tumbleweed just blew by.

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By any chance were you sexually abused as a child?

Quote: SlightlyInappropriate @ December 9 2011, 4:41 PM GMT

By any chance were you sexually abused as a child?

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Considering the evidence of the original post I'd say if that were the case he might not be alone...

Quote: David Bussell @ December 9 2011, 4:51 PM GMT

Considering the evidence of the original post I'd say if that were the case he might not be alone...

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Don't worry my daughters dead now anyway.

Quote: SlightlyInappropriate @ December 9 2011, 4:53 PM GMT

Don't worry my daughters dead now anyway.

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Of shame?

No.

Oh, it's a troll's thread. I'll steer clear!

Quote: SlightlyInappropriate @ December 9 2011, 4:57 PM GMT

No.

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Boredom?

Quote: rwayne @ December 9 2011, 5:06 PM GMT

Boredom?

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Erotic asphyxiation that went wrong.

So...how's your 'first try at standup' going so far, would you say?