British Comedy Guide

Just a little idea for a series, feedback?

Summary
A series based around a football team and its players. The football team started off as D.C.S.I Jaguars but was a very poor team. The manager then decided to start a totally new club with the name Phoenix Rangers. With the help of two of the player's parents; Phoenix Rangers started a really intense pre-season, with John Yates starting his really harsh but effective fitness routine. Simon Evans become the tactical genius and got the team playing together. The team really perform over 3 seasons getting promoted to the top league which gives the players a massive chance of being spotted by a professional team, which is exactly happens to star player Adam Burnett. Who signs a professional contract.

Characters

Adam Burnett- Main Character

Adam Burnett plays as the main character as he becomes the star player of Phoenix Rangers, when Adam is playing for D.C.S.I Jaguars he is just an average player, but when the team changes and improves so does Adam, he turns from an average player to a very good player due to his commitment to the new team. The team are a loud and outgoing bunch, however Adam doesn't really fall into these two categories as he is a quite person and doesn't really like to join in with much the team do or take part in any of the banter, even if it is aimed at him, which most of it is.

Ken McCarthy - Manager

Ken is the manager of the team and he is has great faith and patience in his players, Ken was a very good player in his youth and he passes on all of his experience to the team, Adam Burnett really looks up to his manager and sees him as quite an inspirational figure, because of this Adam really starts to improve and become a very good player. Ken is the father to one of the other players who is Ryan McCarthy.

Simon Evans - Tactical Genius

Simon Evans was also very good in his youth and was on target for a professional contract before a horrible injury put him out of football for life. So his only alternative is to help coach a group of youngsters. Simon played the same position as Adam Burnett which is as a striker and works with Adam and the other striker to really improve their game which has a massive effect on both of them. Simon is the father of Joe Evans another player in the team.

John Yates- Fitness Coach

John played rugby in younger days, became a fitness coach for a professional rugby team. After leaving his rugby team, he started to help Phoenix Rangers with their fitness and put together a very harsh routine that had benefits to have everyone in the team. He is The father of Lewis Yates.

Ryan Mcarthy- Player

Ryan is one of the players in the team, he very rarely gets a game even though his father is the manager. Ryan is best mates with Adam. Ryan is quite a strange character but also funny.

Lewis Crance- captain

Robbie Wilder- Player

Robbie is one of the better players in the team, he is very good mates with Adam and Ryan. He is a player that is popular in the team and gets on with everyone, he also laughs at anything, which can make him quite a funny character.

Samuel Brown- Player

Sam is the team clown is always get's the laughs, he is also very crude and grim. He likes to make fun of everyone and can also be seen as the nob head in the team.

Episode One- Relegation

Main Characters involved: Adam Burnett, Robbie Wilder, Ryan McCarthy, Samuel Brown and Ken McCarthy.

It is the last game of the season for D.C.S.I Jaguars and they are placed 2nd bottom in the league and have to win to avoid the drop, unfortunately they have got top of the league that have gone unbeaten this season.

Ken McCarthy: Right boys, come on in please. (Shouting, looking a bit anxious)

The team run to Ken to get their team talk, sam runs past Robbie....

Samuel: Hey, Robbie (running with cheeky grin on his face)
Robbie: what Sam? (saying reluctantly)
Sam: DE BAG, Wheeyyy. ...........Look at your little pork sword! ( sam laughs and runs away)

The rest of the team laugh at Robbie, Robbie looks at the floor with embarrassment

Ken McCarthy: Sam stop being an idiot, get your head on the game. We have an important game today. (Ken is looking angry and nervous) Now the team for today: In goal Alix Clark, Defence will be: Josh Start, Joe Evans, Connor Ward, and Lewis Yates. Midfield: Samuel Brown, Connor Bawler, Richard Mwansa, Robbie Wilder. Up front we will have: Adam Burnett and Toby Abbot.
Now lads this is going to be a really good test of your commitment and passion towards this club, yes we may have top of league and we lost 12-0 last time but this is to stay in the league. SO COME ON BOYS, GIVE IT ONE LAST PUSH AND LET GIVE THESE A GAME WORTH PLAYING!

The Team are now pumped up following Ken's team talk, get into their huddle on the pitch

Lewis Crane: Lads what Ken said he right let's give these bastards a game, Ken has stood by this season so let's give him something to cheer, Hands in!! Three, Two, One
The Team: JAGUARS

The game kicks off and the team start to get the better of the opposition, Connor Bawler plays a perfect ball through the defender to Adam Burnett, Adam takes it round the keeper and slots the ball home, 1-0 Jaguars.
Ken: Well done lads, great goal keep it up!!
Ken looks at Adam and gives him the thumbs up.

Jaguars are taking full control of the game, until the opposition striker gets hold of the ball and runs at Sam, the striker beats Sam, sam goes in with a late tackle and hurts the players, the tackle is worthy of a red card.
Opposition Striker: Fat Prick, Me and you after the game!
Sam: The reason I'm fat mate, is cos' every time I shagged your mum she gave me a biscuit!

Because of Sam' actions the referee is forced to send him off, so now Jaguars are down to 10 men and have a disadvantage.

Adam: For f**k sake Sam, what was the need in it!
Sam: Cos' he is a f**king pussy, hardly touched him!
Adam: aghh whatever Sam, get off the pitch you have already lost us the game!

Sam walks off the pitch and has to face his manager after letting him down.
Ken does nothing but just stares at Sam and shakes his head in disappointment.
After this incident Jaguars lose all momentum and the opposition start to dominate the match scoring goal after goal. The game ends 10-1 and all the lads are in a disheartened mood after being relegated.
The lads walk back into the changing rooms knowing that they are going to get an absolute grilling from their manager.

Ken: What was that lads, absolutely abysmal, I have never felt so disappointed. As for you Sam what were you thinking? You're an embarrassment to the team; you've let me down, the team down and yourself down! I think you should go away and think about your actions, I better see an improvement or you're not playing next season.

One of the opposition players come bursting into the changing room after Sam:
Opposition Player: Come on then you fat f**k, let's go!
At this point same is in nothing but his white boxers!, with shit skids on them.
Sam say nothing but goes flying in with windmill fists, before the fight can get too serious, Ken splits it up and the opposition manager takes his player away.

Adam: Sam?
Sam: What?
Adam: Can tell you shit yourself, hahaha
Sam looks round to his boxers and realises his shit skids and just sits down with embarrassment.

Tell me what you think please, honest opionion.

First off, the character backgrounds are for you and the casting director - not us.
If it doesn't come through in action and dialogue it doesn't exist.
Same with the set up - these sort of things are called 'unfilmables'.
You have to find ways of getting the information across - and not in great slabs of expositional dialogue.
There's another principle - 'late in, early out' ie what's the latest you could join the scene and the earliest you could leave it and still get the information across.
So, long list of player's names are just dead screen time.

Here's what I'd do.
Sort out the story. Write it out. Not where everyone went to school - just what happens and who it happens to.
Get that right first and get it to a point where when you read it someone it interests them.
If it doesn't, either change it or do something else.
Then break it down into sequences ie what you need to show to tell the story.
Then break that down into scenes.
Then start writing.
But before that, read ten screenplays of films you know and like.
See how they work.
Then do the same for your story.

Quote: Lazzard @ December 8 2011, 10:25 AM GMT

First off, the character backgrounds are for you and the casting director - not us.
If it doesn't come through in action and dialogue it doesn't exist.
Same with the set up - these sort of things are called 'unfilmables'.
You have to find ways of getting the information across - and not in great slabs of expositional dialogue.
There's another principle - 'late in, early out' ie what's the latest you could join the scene and the earliest you could leave it and still get the information across.
So, long list of player's names are just dead screen time.

Here's what I'd do.
Sort out the story. Write it out. Not where everyone went to school - just what happens and who it happens to.
Get that right first and get it to a point where when you read it someone it interests them.
If it doesn't, either change it or do something else.
Then break it down into sequences ie what you need to show to tell the story.
Then break that down into scenes.
Then start writing.
But before that, read ten screenplays of films you know and like.
See how they work.
Then do the same for your story.

This. And maybe include within those ten Lenin of the Rovers for a radio persepctive and Bend it Like Beckham because it's probably the best film made about football.

You should call this series 'The Sausage Party'.

Quote: KLRiley @ December 8 2011, 10:47 AM GMT

This. And maybe include within those ten Lenin of the Rovers for a radio persepctive and Bend it Like Beckham because it's probably the best film made about football.

Of course the thing about 'Bend it...', is it's not actually 'about' football - but lot's of other things.
The OP needs a storyline as strong as that had - 'set' against the world of a struggling football team.

Quote: Lazzard @ December 8 2011, 11:04 AM GMT

Of course the thing about 'Bend it...', is it's not actually 'about' football - but lot's of other things.

Which is why it works.

Quote: KLRiley @ December 8 2011, 3:04 PM GMT

Which is why it works.

We appear to be in vehement agreement.

Quote: Lazzard @ December 8 2011, 3:17 PM GMT

We appear to be in vehement agreement.

:D

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