British Comedy Guide

Just a Sketch... First Time Poster

THE AMBASSADORS DINNER:

INT. RESTAURANT

A Frenchmen sits at the end of a long dinning table, to his right is an Englishman and to his left a German, then a Polish and then a big fat Russian. (They are all dressed casual apart from the Texan who appears shortly). The Englishman and the Frenchman have both received plates of food from a waiter and the Polish is in the midst of receiving his.

GERMAN
(WATCHING THE POLISH RECEIVE HIS FOOD) Well I don't know about all of you people, but I am so hungry, I could eat an entire goat, yes?

The waiter serves the Russian an unhealthily large plate of food.

GERMAN
(CONT'D) Holy Barbarossa, look at the size of this man's plate.

The waiter begins to walk off and the German notices he has not been served any food.

GERMAN
(CONT'D) Whoa, excuse me, waiter, my plate... it is empty no?

WAITER
I do apologize sir, however unfortunately the management has informed me that due to the damage sustained last time you were here, regrettably we are no longer permitted to serve you any food.

FRENCHMAN
(LAUGHS AT THE GERMAN) Well monsieur, bon appétit.

GERMAN
(TAKING OUT A PACKET OF POLO MINTS) Never matter, for such a thing, I have come prepared.

FRENCHMAN
(SNATCHING THE MINTS AWAY FROM THE GERMAN) Oh no monsieur, you will spoil your appetite.

ENGLISHMAN
Has he got sweets again? You know he can't be trusted with sweets. Give them to the pole, he likes sweets. (TO THE POLISH) You like sweets don't you good chap?

The Frenchman offers a polo mint across the German to the Polish..

POLISH
(TAKING A MINT)Oh yes, thank you.

GERMAN
(SLAMMING HIS FIST DOWN) You think that you can give the Poles my Polo's and I will do nothing.

ENGLISHMAN
Oh, do pipe down, you're always causing trouble. Stop being such a sauer kraut.

GERMAN
You think this is amusing?

The German deliberately knocks a drink over the Polish. The waiter tries to contain the damage and clean the pole up.

POLISH
Oh, you are like totally a cock.

GERMAN
No, I am the God of blitzkrieg hell fire master and for you... the dinner is over.

WAITER
(LEADING THE POLISH AWAY FROM THE TABLE) Please sir, if you would come this way, we will clean this up.

GERMAN
(PREPARING TO TAKE THE POLISH MAN'S MEAL) Well, it would be impolite to let a warm meal go cold now, would it not.

ENGLISHMAN
Now stop right there. You can't just go around taking other people's food.

FRENCHMAN
No, if you take the food... I will... I will be forced to... call over the waiter.

GERMAN
Are you giving me an ultimatum? (TURNS THE RUSSIAN) You. Would you like some of this tasty food?

RUSSIAN
(WITH A MOUTH FULL OF FOOD) Yes comrade.

The German slides half the food from the Polish plate onto the Russians plate and then slides the other half onto his own plate.

FRENCHMAN
Waiter... Waiter...

The German picks up his knife and fork and begins scratching it against his porcelain plate creating a noise that goes straight through the Frenchman.

FRENCHMAN
(CONT'D) (COVERING HIS EARS IN PAIN) Ah, sacrebleu... please monsieur stop.

GERMAN
I will cease all actions against you upon your unconditional surrender of all food.

FRENCHMAN
(PICKING UP AND WAVING A WHITE NAPKIN) Oui, oui, monsieur, I surrender... take the food, there must be an armistice.

The German stops scratching and begins to take the Frenchman's food.

ENGLISHMAN
So, the stealing of the duck a l'orange is over... I have a feeling the battle for roast beef is about to begin.

GERMAN
(TO THE ENGLISHMAN) How is the roast beef?

ENGLISHMAN
(RAISING HIS PLATE) Why don't you come over here and try some.

The Englishman holds his plate close to the German and moves it away as he tries to grab it.

ENGLISHMAN
(CONT'D) Is it to far away? Is it out of reach? (PUTTING HIS PLATE BACK DOWN) I will eat my dinner on the beaches, in the streets and in the...

The German interrupts by flicking a pea into the Englishman's face.

ENGLISHMAN
(CONT'D) Ah, that's disgusting...

The German flicks another pea.

ENGLISHMAN
(CONT'D) Stop it.

Another pea.

ENGLISHMAN
(CONT'D) Now see here...

Another pea.

ENGLISHMAN
(CONT'D) That's it, I'm just going to ignore you now. See how you like that.

The Englishman goes to salt his food, only to notice that the salt shaker is running low on salt.

ENGLISHMAN
(CONT'D) (SHOUTING DOWN THE TABLE) Excuse me, could I trouble you for the salt old boy?

Down the other end of the table there is a Japanese man and a Texan.

TEXAN
(SLIDING A SALT SHAKER TO THE ENGLISHMAN) No problem buddy.

GERMAN
(INTERCEPTING THE SALT SHAKER)Ha, I have cut your supply line from the west. I give you chance to surrender.

ENGLISHMAN
(GIVING THE GERMAN A V SIGN) I will never serender.

The Englishman gets on with his meal. The German begins to eye up the Russians plate and eventually begins to sneak food from it.

ENGLISHMAN
(CONT'D) (TO THE RUSSIAN) Good heavens Joe, look, he's taking your food.

RUSSIAN
You are English liar dog.

The German attempts to pull a chicken leg out from under the pile of food. The Russian catches the German red handed and grabs one end of the chicken leg.

RUSSIAN
(CONT'D) (TUSSLING OVER CHICKEN LEG) Nazi pig, our arrangement is off.

At the other end of the table the Texan is unhappy with his food.

TEXAN
God damn it, I told that bastard waiter I wanted my dark and light meat segregating.

JAPANESE MAN
(POINTING AWAY FROM THE TABLE) Look at that over there.

The Japanese man (for no reason what so ever) hawks up a loogie and spits it straight into the Texan's dinner.

JAPANESE MAN
(CHILDISH LAUGHING) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

TEXAN
(STANDING UP) I've had just about a God damn nuff of this buffalo crap.

The Texan slams his napkin down and marches to the European end of the table. As we follow him we see that the Russian is now holding the German in a headlock whilst the Englishman is giving the Frenchman his food back. The Texan picks up a candle stick and walks back to the Japanese man.

JAPANESE MAN
So sorry... so sorry.

The Texan pours his alcoholic drink over the Japanese man's plate and uses the flame from the candle to flambé his meal.

JAPANESE MAN
(CONT'D) (PANICKING) Ah, is fire... is fire... is fire, is fire, is fire, is fire...

The Texan punches the Japanese man who falls back away from the table. The Texan looks up cockily and notices that everyone in the restaurant is staring at him.

TEXAN
What...? Don't look at me like that, it had to be done.

I can't really follow this, whats the joke?

I have to agree, I don't find it funny.

Oh. Its an allegory.

I think we use the word 'Pole' to describe a person from Poland, when you call them a 'Polish' in my head it turns into a 70 yr old racist Grandfather reading it out.

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