British Comedy Guide

2 small scenes: Love it? Hate it? Feedback please

Here's two scenes from the first draft of my script, please read and if you have any opinions please feel free to comment. Constructive critisism would be great!

Please note: This show is intended for a target audience of young adults, around the ages 16-21. If you don't fall into this category I'm still happy to hear your thoughts, just don't expect massively clever comedy, but a more Inbetweeners/Two Pints/Phoneshop Vibe. I hope you enjoy it :)

EXT: HOUSE PARTY - NIGHT
JAKE AND EDDIE STAND OUTSIDE THE HOUSE, OBVIOUSLY APPREHENSIVE OF GOING IN. MUFFLED MUSIC CAN BE HEARD PUMPING INSIDE. EDDIE SWIGS FROM HIS VIMTO BOTTLE.

JAKE
So do we just like - go in?

EDDIE
(Sarcastic) Nah, we sit around chattin' to the garden gnomes.
This ain't no garden party, mate. It's a f**kin' house party - otherwise known as an all-you-can-eat-pussay-buffet.

JAKE
What I meant is - do we knock?

EDDIE
Does Pete Doherty knock on his dealers before gettin' off his tits on coke?

JAKE
Probably not. You ready?

JAKE PUTS HIS HAND ON THE DOOR HANDLE. EDDIE NODS. JAKES TWISTS THE HANDLE. NOTHING.

EDDIE
Well come on then!

JAKE
It's locked.

EDDIE
F**k it.

EDDIE BANGS ON THE DOOR LOUDLY.

JAKE
Pete Doherty wouldn't have done that.

EDDIE
He would if he's goin' cold turkey for crack. And I'm goin' cold turkey for arsecrack.

THE LETTER BOX SLIDES UP, NAT PEEKS OUT.

NAT
Who's there?

EDDIE
We're not playin' 'knock-knock' jokes, open the pissin' door!

JAKE
Very polite.

NAT OPENS THE DOOR, MOTIONING FOR THEM TO COME IN. SHE TURNS TO JAKE.

NAT
Can't believe you brought that dick. You both got beers yeah?

JAKE AND EDDIE LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

JAKE AND EDDIE
Shit.

CUT TO:

INT: HOUSE PARTY - NIGHT
A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE ARE DANCING, DRINKING AND CHATTING. NICK IS SAT WITH TWO MATES, APPARENTLY THUGS BY THE LOOK OF THEIR MATCHING THICK, SHAVEN SKULLS. HE PICKS UP TWO SHOTS, DOWNS THEM, THEN BEATS HIS CHEST LIKE AN APE. HE LOOKS OVER TO SEE NAT, JAKE AND EDDIE. GRABBING A BOTTLE, HE APPROACHES THEM.

NICK
What the f**k are these two pricks doin' 'ere?

NAT
They're mates of Sammie's. Aren't they Sammie?

NAT TAPS A YOUNG LADY (SAMMIE) ON THE SHOULDER; SHE TURNS AROUND, REVEALING A NATURALLY PRETTY DARK-SKINNED FACE. EDDIE GAWPS, AWESTRUCK.

SAMMIE
Excuse me?

NAT
These guys, you told 'em to come din'cha?

SAMMIE LOOKS AT NAT, SEEMING TO UNDERSTANDING THAT SHE'S BEING ASKED TO LIE.

SAMMIE
Yeah, they're with me.

EDDIE
She said come on her - with her!

EDDIE LOOKS DOWN, A RED TINGE APPEARING ON HIS FACE. NICK LOOKS FROM EDDIE, TO SAMMIE, TO JAKE.

NICK
A'right. But if you dickheads f**k about, yeah? You'll get kicked out fasta' than a pedo in playschool.

NICK WALKS OFF TO SIT WITH HIS MATES, WHO IT APPEARS HAVE BEEN WATCHING INTENTLY. JAKE, EDDIE, NAT AND SAMMIE ARE STOOD AWKWARDLY.

SAMMIE
Are you gonna introduce me to these random guys who I've just smuggled in then?

EDDIE LAUGHS MANICALLY AT SAMMIE'S SMALL JOKE. THE OTHERS LOOK AT HIM QUESTIONINGLY.

NAT
Well this is Jake -

JAKE
Hey.

NAT
An' the otha' ones just a dickhead -

EDDIE
Oi!

JAKE
He's alright - when he's not talking shit.

EDDIE STICKS OUT HIS HAND FOR SAMMIE TO SHAKE.

EDDIE
I'm Eddie - but you can call me 'The Beast'.

EDDIE ATTEMPTS TO WINK CHEEKILY, BUT ENDS UP UNCONTROLLABLY BLINKING. SAMMIE GOES TO SHAKE HIS HAND BUT HE PULLS IT BACK TO RUB HIS EYE. SAMMIE SMILES.

SAMMIE
Think I'll stick to 'Dickhead' thanks.

JAKE TURNS TO NAT.

JAKE
Is there no booze anywhere that we can, like, sneak?

NAT
Got some Lambrini in the kitchen?

EDDIE
Lambrini? That's bitch-drink! I drink mans drink, me.

SAMMIE EYES EDDIE'S BOTTLE OF VIMTO.

SAMMIE
Vimto? Oooooh hardcore!

Opinions? I imagine it could be tightened up a little, and some lines could get scrapped. I am looking to find out which jokes resonate, and which jokes fall flat. < That almost rhymed :D

Thanks for reading guys, hopefully you aren't all getting sick of my extracts :)

:)

In my opinion, which to be honest with you is not worth much, I liked the content however this is probaly because I like the Inbetweeners. I think it would be funny however I do think it comes across as a bit of a rip off at the moment. To me Eddie is Jay and they seem to be in the same kind of scenario as The Inetweeners would find themselves in. Having said that I found it funny as I have the post I read with the sausage roll.

Quote: VivTheWriter @ December 7 2011, 10:15 AM GMT

In my opinion, which to be honest with you is not worth much, I liked the content however this is probaly because I like the Inbetweeners. I think it would be funny however I do think it comes across as a bit of a rip off at the moment. To me Eddie is Jay and they seem to be in the same kind of scenario as The Inetweeners would find themselves in. Having said that I found it funny as I have the post I read with the sausage roll.

You found it funny, and you liked the content, sothat's a big plus I suppose XD

I understand exactly what you mean when you say it reads like a scene from The Inbetweeners. The thing is, it's dialogue between two lads who are awkward with party-etiquette - and a scene like this will always be compared with The Inbetweeners. I have been trying to edge away from Inbetweeners-style humour, but it's very, very hard when The Inbetweeners got young adult lads sooo spot-on with how I was back when my friends and I were little shits.

Anyway, this is one scene in a show with many, many more. I can assure you that many situations (and indeed many characters) throughout the series will be nothing like the Inbetweeners - I plan for it to be much more than that. I just wish I could post the more major scenes that I'm really excited about - but I wouldn't want to give too any spoilers away.

Thank you for the feedback, I'm very glad to know that the humour is abit more stable in this extract :$

Just a pedantic point mate.
Depends on whether you want realism or not (Im a f**king stickler haha), but Pete Doherty wouldnt have to go to a dealer and if he did, he WOULD knock. Promise you.
Can't you substitute Pete D with a less famous cokehead?

It was ok tho mate. And Im way outside your demographic. lol

Quote: Paulcuz @ December 7 2011, 5:31 PM GMT

Just a pedantic point mate.
Depends on whether you want realism or not (Im a f**king stickler haha), but Pete Doherty wouldnt have to go to a dealer and if he did, he WOULD knock. Promise you.
Can't you substitute Pete D with a less famous cokehead?

It was ok tho mate. And Im way outside your demographic. lol

Interesting, tbh my first thought was Charlie Sheen - but I thought HE would be too famous... maybe Lindsay Lohan? Then maybe I could add a joke sayin that she wouldn't knock, she'd just drink-drive through the door...

Somethin for me to think about anyway.

Thanks for the comment :)

Good one mate. That idea has mileage seeing as we all know about her penchant for booze/drugs & driving. And its funny.

It felt a bit like an undercooked rehash of the inbetweeners

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