Hi, I've started writing my first ever sitcom and I'd really like some feedback on the first scene. Everyone who's written on the forums so far (shamelessly stalking) seems to have thought their first scripts was good at the time and later realised that it was pants. I just want some opinions on whether mine is good so far. It's about a group of four people who are all dissatisfied with how their career is coming along.
The characters are Derrick, who's in his mid-20s and is unemployed, his best friend Greg, who works in the IT department at a private school but hates his job. Then there's Abby, Derrick's high school girlfriend who dreams of being a singer but is stuck being a waitress at Domjon's cafe (where they all hang out). The last character is Liz, Derrick and Abby's old high school teacher who's 37 and married with a kid but is hiding that from the others. She and Derrick start pursuing a romance after they decide to start their own business, whilst Liz hides her secret.
Here's the first two scenes, but I've written some more so ask me if you want me to post some other scenes 
Thank you!
CAREERS ROOM
SCENE ONE
INT. DERRICK'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
DERRICK GRODES, a reasonably attractive male in his mid-20s, is sitting at his computer desktop in a dark living room. The light from the computer screen is eerily reflecting off his tired and anxious face and the whole house is quiet except for the CLICKING of Derrick's mouse.
DERRICK V.O:
I'd always assumed that once I'd finished school and gone to university that I'd get a job, a ridiculously hot wife, some kids, and then just wait around until I start complaining about gas prices, ear hair and erectile dysfunction adverts become increasingly relevant. I had the school and university thing down but this job issue is really stressing me out. I mean I know the economy is crap but even Danny Felton from next door has a job and he use to sniff marker pens in primary school.
A woman's voice can be heard from upstairs
MRS GRODES:
Derrick, it's getting pretty late, maybe you should think about turning that off and going to bed? You won't make a good impression if you yawn throughout your Redhouse interview tomorrow.
DERRICK (yelling):
I'm almost finished.
DERRICK VO:
And now you're probably thinking 'at least he has a girlfriend'. Nope. That's my mum. That means I am in the exact same position as I was 8 years ago, doing the exact same thing at the exact same time. Well, if you replace searching for interview advice with World of Warcraft and Star wars porn.
Derrick sighs and turns off the computer. He starts to go up the stairs, slowly plodding towards his room.
DERRICK V.O:
I mean, sure, my interview technique could do with some improvement.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON.
Derrick is sitting behind a desk wearing a suit and looking around at the room before smiling at the balding male INTERVIEWER #1 in front of him.
INTERVIEWER #1:
So you studied Philosophy at University -
DERRICK:
Yes I did. Or did I?
(beat)
No, I-I did.
The interviewer looks at him strangely.
DERRICK (CONT'D):
I do philosophy so -
INTERVIEWER #1:
Right, so why do you want to be involved in charity administration?
DERRICK:
I always spend a lot of my money on charity. It's a bit of a weird name for a stripper but boy does she work hard!
Derrick starts laughing but as the interview continues to glare at him, his laughing fades into silence.
DERRICK (CONT'D):
I was joking. Her name's Candy!
(pauses)
It was good meeting you. I'll let myself out.
INT- ANOTHER OFFICE - MORNING
Derrick is sitting in a similar office but with a female INTERVIEWER #2.
INTERVIEWER #2:
So why do you want to be a social worker?
DERRICK:
I really love kids.
(He pauses then puts on a scary voice.)
For dinner!
Derrick pretends to shovel imagery children into his mouth.
Omnomnomnom.
BACK TO:
Derrick has now changed into a T-shirt and boxers and is lying in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, with a troubled look on his face. The side lamp next to his bed is the only source of light in the otherwise darkened room.
DERRICK V.O:
It's just... sometimes I feel like everyone is doing so much better than me and already knows what they want to do with their lives. I just want a job so I can start figuring out my life but it seems as if everyone I know doesn't have any career issues.
Derrick sighs and turns off the side lamp. The room is plunged into darkness and Derrick falls asleep.
INT. GREG'S HOUSE - MORNING
GREG, a scruffy looking male in his mid-20s, is sleeping on an unkempt bed. Suddenly, a really grating alarm clock BLEEPS, waking Greg up. He slaps the snooze button, sighs and then lies back on the bed staring at the ceiling.
GREG V.O:
God I hate my life. I hate my job. I now hate children because of my job. And most of all, I hate my boss who makes me wake up at 6:30 for some stupid meeting. 'Call me Gavin'. More like 'Call me shitface wanker'. Yeah. I would call him that. Not to his face, sure, but in a very scathing office email to my work friends.
Greg gets up and begins putting on his clothes which are typical work office attire. The phone rings and Greg picks it up whilst yawning. Derrick is on the other end of the phone line, panicked.
DERRICK:
Okay, I know this is pretty sad but the interview is in one hour and I still have no idea what to wear.
GREG:
Wow. Are we...are we really doing this?
DERRICK:
I've narrowed it down to my casual yet outgoing V-neck, my formal navy shirt, and my manly yet approachable light blue shirt. What are we feeling?
GREG:
Other than nausea?
DERRICK:
Hey! I helped you pick out what to wear for your job interview at Albright School for twats.
CUT TO:
INT. GREG'S ROOM - EARLY MORNING
Derrick is sitting on the bed in Greg's room. Greg is wearing a white shirt and putting on a blue tie whilst standing in the mirror and checking himself out. Derrick watches him with distain colouring his face.
DERRICK:
I really think you should go for the darker blue tie. It's by far more charismatic.
(Derrick points at the other blue tie on the bed. It looks almost exactly the same).
GREG:
No, I like this one. And I didn't ask for your help, why are you even here?
DERRICK:
I have no job, no prospects, and no life. I'm pretty much living through you. Now put on the tie.
BACK TO:
GREG:
I didn't want your advice. And you didn't even help, it was Abby!
CUT TO:
The same setting but this time Greg and Derrick are both sitting on the bed. Greg is in his pyjamas and Derrick is looking bored, whilst Abby is showcasing a number of ties that are in colour order.
ABBY:
As you can see, I've arranged your ties in colour ascending order. Tie colour and pattern should be conservative and non-distracting and the fabric silk or silk blends. I would suggest block colours such as blue or dark red with a subtle pattern. May I draw your eye to this blue one with a slight diamond design? Or if you want to risk it, there's a green tie that is slightly unconventional but would look good with your eyes.
DERRICK:
But what...what about this blue one?
(Derrick points at the same tie he pointed at in the earlier flashback. Abby grabs it and angrily thrusts it in his face.)
ABBY:
Does this look like silk to you? Huh? I cannot help you guys if you won't help yourselves. Are you even listening to me? Did you even look at the video I sent you?
Greg and Derrick look away guilty. They did not. Abby grabs some random ties from the tie rack.
ABBY (CONT'D):
Oh! What about this green striped one or this black one? Perhaps you'd actually prefer wearing this violet tie as well, like some sort of badly dressed barbarian?
GREG:
Are there well-dressed barbarians?
DERRICK (whispering hurriedly to GREG):
Just take the diamond tie. Take the diamond tie.
BACK TO:
DERRICK:
Well I did bring her to you.
GREG (sarcastically):
Thanks for that.
DERRICK:
It got you the job!
GREG:
My Microsoft excel skills got me the job. Wait, why don't you just ask Abby for fashion advice then?
DERRICK:
She's busy working. Selfish Bitch. Actually, she has a break at two just like you so if you meet her at Domjon's then I can tell you guys how my interview went together.
GREG:
Can't I just meet you later?
DERRICK:
Why?
GREG:
It's really awkward when just Abby and I hang out. She's your friend and I'm your friend but we're not really friends. We only talk when it's us three together.
DERRICK:
If you meet her at two I'll come exactly then, so don't worry. If I'm a bit late then you'll just have to small talk for a bit.
GREG:
All right. And clothes wise, just wear the manly yet approachable blue shirt with a blazer. Why does it matter that much what you wear anyway?
DERRICK:
First impressions really count. I bet you all the other interviewees are really sophisticated and well-prepared.
INT. LIZ'S LIVING ROOM
LIZ, a haggard but attractive looking 37 year old is practising her interview technique, in an untidy room with children's toys everywhere, whilst a child can be heard CRYING. Her husband, CHARLIE, is getting ready for work in the background.
LIZ:
Charlie, sweetheart, I really need to practice for the interview at Redhouse's Publishing. Can you just calm Holly down while I just finish this? The babysitter will be here in just five minutes so -
CHARLIE grabs HOLLY, a screaming 3 year old and absentmindedly shakes and pats her, then hands her to LIZ, kissing her on the cheek, before hurrying off to work. The door SLAMS shut.
LIZ V.O:
Thanks Charlie. That is exactly what I meant. So glad I married you.
Liz sighs and looks at Holly.
LIZ (in a baby voice):
If you be quiet, maybe mummy will get this assistant job in publishing. You'd like that, wouldn't you?
(Holly vomits on Liz. Liz sits there expressionless, masking her urge to burst into tears.)
CUT TO:
OPENING CREDITS
FADE IN:
SCENE TWO
INT. RECEPTION OF REDHOUSE'S PUBLISHING LTD. - MORNING.
Four men and a woman, all formally dressed, are sitting in the comfy seats of the waiting room studiously avoiding eye contact. One of them is Derrick who is wearing the exact same shirt as the man next to him. They make eye contact, awkwardly smile at each other, and then when they look away, Derrick scans his shirt and grimaces.
DERRICK V.O:
Damn Greg. I knew I shouldn't have asked him for fashion advice. The guy owns a violet tie. Oh man, I'm sweating. Why is no one else sweating? Maybe they are. I'll casually smell the guy next to me and check.
Derrick sniffs the guy next to him who glances back then moves slightly away.
DERRICK V.O (CONT'D):
Oh god, he smells like success. I'm so screwed. Calm down, Derrick, you can do this, just remember what you practiced. Do not mention strippers or eating people. You want to be a publisher so you can help introduce new forms of literature to the world. Wait, but what if the guy next to me wants to do that too?
Derrick sneaks a glimpse at the guy next to him.
DERRICK V.O (CONT'D):
I hate Same Shirt guy.
(The interviewer comes into the room and calls out a name. The man next to Derrick gets up and follows the man with a smarmy smile on his face. They pass Liz who is just entering the building.)
LIZ V.O:
Hope no one realises I'm late. I can't believe Holly was sick on my best suit. Wow, I should really be more worried that she might be ill.
Liz sits down next to Derrick. She looks around at all the interviewees.
LIZ V.O (CONT'D):
They all look so young. Quick, say something to show you belong.
LIZ (to DERRICK):
It's so quiet in here! Hashtag awkward!
LIZ V.O:
Nicely done, Liz.
LIZ:
Speaking of awkward, those changes to facebook and YouTube, how awkward are they?
Liz starts fake laughing. Derrick stares at her. Liz stops and looks away, embarrassed.
LIZ V.O:
Damn it Liz, you got cocky. Tone it down.
DERRICK V.O:
I really miss Same Shirt guy.
LIZ V.O:
Wait, that guy looks so familiar. Have I met...did I teach him English? Derrick something? If so, it's really depressing that we're going for the same job.
LIZ:
Hey, did I teach you English? At Clover field High School?
Derrick looks at her like she's mad.
LIZ (pointing at herself):
Miss Miller? I hope you are who I think you are or this will get really hashtag awkward.
Derrick tries to remember. He's about to shrug when a show reel of clips of Liz's breasts, in various tops as she teaches in front of a whiteboard, with joyous music in the background, is shown on screen.
DERRICK:
Oh Miss Miller! Wow! How have you been? You haven't aged at all!
(Liz giggles)
LIZ:
What? No! What? Really? Well, I went to yoga -
LIZ V.O:
Once
LIZ (CONT'D): And I try and eat my five a day!
CUT TO:
Liz, in a dirty too-small top and tracksuit bottoms, is rummaging through the fridge. She takes out a 750 L carton of innocent smoothies and checks the label.
LIZ:
Two of my five a day! Don't mind if I do. Oh wait, it's out of date.
Liz is about to put the carton back in the fridge when she pauses and grabs a carton of milk. She pours some milk in the carton and shakes it, then sniffs the carton before cautiously taking a sip. She makes a sour face then shrugs and starts drinking.
BACK TO:
DERRICK:
Well, you look great! Are you still teaching? Or are you going for the assistant job as well?
LIZ:
No I gave up teaching when-
LIZ V.O (chanting):
When I had a child. When I had a child. When I had a child.
LIZ:
When I decided teaching was not for me. So I'm applying for the assistant job too.
LIZ V.O:
I should've told him I have a child. Who cares if he thinks I still look 28? All right, I care but I shouldn't!
(The interviewer comes out again and calls Derrick's name).
DERRICK:
I need to go but we should totally catch up. There's this place on Kings Heath high street called Domjon's café where my friend Abby works. You remember Abby right? We went out for a bit in high school? Doesn't matter if you don't, If you come around 2ish I'll reintroduce you and you can meet my friend Greg as well.
DERRICK V.O:
And then I will seduce you with my manly yet approachable shirt and we will have lots of sex.
LIZ V.O:
Say no. You have a husband and a kid. Who's probably unwell and will vomit on you. Whilst your husband reads the newspaper and stares at the babysitter.
LIZ:
See you then!
END OF SCENE
The format's a bit iffy, but I'll sort that out. It would be really nice if some of you more experienced writers could help (shamelessly sucking up).
Thanks again!
