Very Small Script Extract - Feedback Please? :)

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS SCENE HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM MY SCRIPT ON RE-DRAFT AS I'M NOT HAPPY WITH THE WRITING QUALITY.

EXT: GREGGS - STREET
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF GREGGS BAKERY.

CUT TO:

INT: GREGGS
JAKE IS SAT ON A TALL SWIVELLING CHAIR, PASTY IN HAND. EDDIE WALKS OVER CARRYING A PASTY AND A BOTTLED DRINK. HE PASSES A CREDIT CARD TO JAKE.

EDDIE
Thanks for this, mate. I'll sort you out when I get my dole, yeah?

EDDIE SITS NEXT TO JAKE. JAKE IS ABOUT TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF HIS PASTY. EDDIE LOOKS AROUND.

EDDIE
I found my first pube in this place.

JAKE STOPS JUST BEFORE BITING THE PASTY.

JAKE
Do you mind?

EDDIE
Nah, I mean, I didn't find it, like, on my balls or anything -

JAKE SHAKES HIS HEAD, BEFORE FINALLY BITING DOWN ON THE PASTY.

EDDIE (CONT.)
- I found it in my Steak Slice.

JAKE DROPS HIS PASTY ONTO THE TABLE. HE SUDDENLY NOTICES THAT EDDIE HAS A BOTTLED DRINK.

JAKE
Hang on, did you get that with my money?

EDDIE
What? Oh, yeah. Sorry mate - you didn't have enough cash to get you one.

JAKE SIGHS.

JAKE
I need more money. It's hopeless tryin' to save up for University on this wage.

EDDIE
If you want more money I can always give you a hand?

JAKE
How?

EDDIE
Well - I can break your legs, can't I?

JAKE
And what would breaking my legs possibly achieve?

EDDIE
Disability innit.

JAKE
Brilliant.

BEAT.

EDDIE
You not eatin' that?

EDDIE REACHES OVER AND GRABS JAKE'S UNFINISHED PASTY.

Short and simple - but could it be a bit tighter?
Is the humour there? Does it actually work?
Does it have character?

Thanks for reading guys and gals, I look forward to any feedback

Not my cup of tea but yeah I suppose it works if you are going for the sort of comedy and audience that like the show 2 Pints Of Lager & A Packet Of Crisps.

I like the "Disability, innit" line. Asides from that, it didn't particularly stir me, but it was only a short extract.

Quote: Pagi @ December 6 2011, 9:04 AM GMT

Not my cup of tea but yeah I suppose it works if you are going for the sort of comedy and audience that like the show 2 Pints Of Lager & A Packet Of Crisps.

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It's strange, because I was trying to avoid, the 'Two Pints' vibe, but I can see exactly what you mean. The thing I'm trying to do with my show is make the comedy quite varied, so there's a kind of joke-for-everyone style. Of course, the target audience is between ages 16-21, so I guess the comedy will be a little silly at times, a lot of nob jokes and such.

The script read-throughs I've done with people from this age group has been rather positive, so I'm fairy sure I'm hitting my target audience. I just like getting a wider view, and I like the way there are so any different people with so many different preferences of comedy/jokes on this site. It can be quite helpful.

Thanks for the feedback Pagi

Quote: Bryan Parry @ December 6 2011, 11:04 AM GMT

I like the "Disability, innit" line. Asides from that, it didn't particularly stir me, but it was only a short extract.

View original

Im glad someone picked up on this joke. It was the one I was more worried about, as it didnt seem to resonate very much with the audience at the script read-through. But I like it, and apparently you like it, so it's here to stay

Thanks for the feedback dude.

It's not funny and you can't write.

Pube joke doesn't really work.
You're in a food outlet (in a comedy) so you immediately presume he means in a pie, therefore there's no confusion about it being one of his - so next couple of lines fall flat.

It sort of drifts at the moment ( as do the other extracts).
If you're looking to present this to TV companies, I think it'll need to bounce along a bit.
Bigger jokes, too.

It's not really my thing either, but I like the fact you're doing script read throughs. The piece is far too short to get any real idea of the characters but it left me thinking that Jake was like Rodney from OFAH and Eddie was like a more sensitive Jay from Inbetweeners. If I'm close then well done

This line seemed like exposition. "I need more money. It's hopeless tryin' to save up for University on this wage."

I didn't get the disability innit joke. And I hate the use of the word 'Brilliant' as a replacement for a punchline. Even though I laugh every time they do it on Inbetweeners, I feel disappointed in myself afterwards.

The not on my balls clarification is funny.

The break your legs seemed out of character. Would Eddie really break his legs? Or was he joking? It's either not clear or an out of character joke shoehorned in.

Perhaps Eddie knows a guy who'll break your legs for £50. "Spend money to make money". And then it makes it all a bit more absurd and believable.

The last thing, even though this is only a minute or so of dialog, nothing really happens. They're just chatting about pies or re-establishing the plot of the show. The way to get people hooked is to keep the story moving along.

Anyway I've never attempted a sitcom, and on re-reading this I've probably come across as a bit of a Dick but I hope something in this ramble helps.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ December 6 2011, 4:01 PM GMT

It's not funny and you can't write.

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This comment is useless to me.

Do not comment on my work if you have absolutely nothing helpful to say. This isn't constructive feedback, it is pure nastiness. I am juggling three jobs to get myself by and my spare time has gone into writing my scripts, so when someone outright shits on my work without providing a single reason why it is a waste of time for me to read. I won't stop writing this unless I feel it isn't worth pursuing. I especially won't stop because of one guy telling me I can't write, when I have Distinction+ grades in scriptwriting and people already invested in my work.

I can appreciate that you don't like my script, or my writing for that matter, but without a reason why it is meaningless and just plain and simple trolling.

Quote: ShoePie @ December 6 2011, 4:23 PM GMT

It's not really my thing either, but I like the fact you're doing script read throughs. The piece is far too short to get any real idea of the characters but it left me thinking that Jake was like Rodney from OFAH and Eddie was like a more sensitive Jay from Inbetweeners. If I'm close then well done

This line seemed like exposition. "I need more money. It's hopeless tryin' to save up for University on this wage."

I didn't get the disability innit joke. And I hate the use of the word 'Brilliant' as a replacement for a punchline. Even though I laugh every time they do it on Inbetweeners, I feel disappointed in myself afterwards.

The not on my balls clarification is funny.

The break your legs seemed out of character. Would Eddie really break his legs? Or was he joking? It's either not clear or an out of character joke shoehorned in.

Perhaps Eddie knows a guy who'll break your legs for £50. "Spend money to make money". And then it makes it all a bit more absurd and believable.

The last thing, even though this is only a minute or so of dialog, nothing really happens. They're just chatting about pies or re-establishing the plot of the show. The way to get people hooked is to keep the story moving along.

Anyway I've never attempted a sitcom, and on re-reading this I've probably come across as a bit of a Dick but I hope something in this ramble helps.

View original

My inspiration for Jake was, in some ways, myself. But I can see where you're coming from with Rodney and you hit the nail on the head with Jay from the Inbetweeners. The character is in fact quite different, he has that cheeky vibe, but he's less confident and more clueless. More of a tag-a-long friend if that makes sense.

The 'hopeless trying to save up for university' is a bit too exposition-y I guess. Maybe I'll re-word that to sound more fluid.

The 'disability innit' joke is a very weird one, some people have laughed, some people haven't even realised it's a joke, so I guess that may need tweaking/deleting. I like the 'brilliant' line but people always think of Inbetweeners. So I shall consider changing that too.

The line about Eddie braking legs is pure bullshit, he wouldn't actually do it, he just likes to act 'hard' and pretent he knows more than he actually knows. I like the thought of him trying to refer Jake to someone who will brake his legs though, that is actually quite funny.

This is one of those comments I like, it gives me a lot to work with and will likely help me shape up my script into something better, so thank you

Quote: Lazzard @ December 6 2011, 4:14 PM GMT

Pube joke doesn't really work.
You're in a food outlet (in a comedy) so you immediately presume he means in a pie, therefore there's no confusion about it being one of his - so next couple of lines fall flat.

It sort of drifts at the moment ( as do the other extracts).
If you're looking to present this to TV companies, I think it'll need to bounce along a bit.
Bigger jokes, too.

View original

Thankfully I'm not planning on pitching this show for at least a year, and I plan on re-drafting and re-drafting until I hit all the sweet spots. Once I have a rough draft of all 6 episodes I will go back to the start and make every scene tighter and more focused, and more importantly funnier.

I slightly panicked there when I saw Jobseekers as I've written a similar script on jobs but then saw the Sex, Drugs and Dole thing. Phew. No such excitement in my scripts.

I thought the disability thing was good but I thought the 'pubes in food' bit has been overdone :/

I'm sorry if this is is an overused comparison, but it reads like a Year 11 drama production. The Eddie character in both scripts I've read is absolutely unbearable.

Quote: Danny Boy @ December 6 2011, 4:43 PM GMT

This comment is useless to me.

Do not comment on my work if you have absolutely nothing helpful to say. This isn't constructive feedback, it is pure nastiness. I am juggling three jobs to get myself by and my spare time has gone into writing my scripts, so when someone outright shits on my work without providing a single reason why it is a waste of time for me to read. I won't stop writing this unless I feel it isn't worth pursuing. I especially won't stop because of one guy telling me I can't write, when I have Distinction+ grades in scriptwriting and people already invested in my work.

I can appreciate that you don't like my script, or my writing for that matter, but without a reason why it is meaningless and just plain and simple trolling.

View original

I'll comment on your work if I want to. You've got no say in the matter. If you looked around the site a bit before flobbing your mess up on it you'd see that I am far from a troll. I guess if you want to be a writer and someone tells you that you can't write that doesn't seem helpful but I'm trying to get you to stop wasting your time. I'm not being nasty - I don't know you and have nothing to prove.

I'm sorry about you having to juggle three jobs - but you could always give one of them up - some people have none. Your distinctions in writing will only ever impress you and your parents - the audience will not take them into consideration when they are not laughing at your stuff.

'JOBSEEKERS: Sex, Drugs & Claiming Dole' - This pun makes my skin crawl. It is trying too hard and is embarrassingly gauche. And even then your tin ear missed the obvious alliteration of 'Drawing' instead of 'Claiming'. As sad as it may be, most people do not want to watch a comedy about jobseekers because they suspect it will be challenging or depressing. A script editor will assume you don't have the imagination to write about anything other than your current situation. And why is it called Jobseekers - only one of the characters is unemployed - the other is working.

Greggs - apart from the gaucheness of opening your sitcom inside a 'Greggs' you have missed an opportunity to provide your own much funnier name and setting.

'Thanks for this, mate. I'll sort you out when I get my dole, yeah?' Open your sitcom with a joke or a funny event. This line doesn't even have the benefit of imparting the other character's name to the audience.

'I found my first pube in this place.' This is the bit where it becomes brutally obvious you can't write. Finding pubes, ripping farts - it's crass, old hat and not funny. This is your second line - it needs to be funny in itself as your opening actions and line weren't.

'Do you mind'. Why make Jake upset by the pube story? Why take the obvious route?

'Steak Slice'. Uh, another Greggs reference. Think of your own name and get a joke in.

'Break legs/disabillity' - not funny. I can see that it's meant to be a joke but it's too easy and lacks surprise or recognition. It would be funnier if Eddie suggested that Jake break his own legs. You could then detail some ways of doing it. Why would disability benefit be better than working from Jake's point of view, since it would surely offer him less money. And what sort of retort is 'brilliant'. You are not trying to capture everyday speech in all it's unshimmering banality, you are trying to entertain. Make the lines fizz.

Lines like 'If you want more money I can always give you a hand/How' are just flat and dead.

By this point all script editors will have binned the script. You have given them no jokes, no visible character and no funny scenarios or promise of such.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ December 7 2011, 1:47 PM GMT

I'll comment on your work if I want to. You've got no say in the matter. If you looked around the site a bit before flobbing your mess up on it you'd see that I am far from a troll. I guess if you want to be a writer and someone tells you that you can't write that doesn't seem helpful but I'm trying to get you to stop wasting your time. I'm not being nasty - I don't know you and have nothing to prove.

I'm sorry about you having to juggle three jobs - but you could always give one of them up - some people have none. Your distinctions in writing will only ever impress you and your parents - the audience will not take them into consideration when they are not laughing at your stuff.

'JOBSEEKERS: Sex, Drugs & Claiming Dole' - This pun makes my skin crawl. It is trying too hard and is embarrassingly gauche. And even then your tin ear missed the obvious alliteration of 'Drawing' instead of 'Claiming'. As sad as it may be, most people do not want to watch a comedy about jobseekers because they suspect it will be challenging or depressing. A script editor will assume you don't have the imagination to write about anything other than your current situation. And why is it called Jobseekers - only one of the characters is unemployed - the other is working.

Greggs - apart from the gaucheness of opening your sitcom inside a 'Greggs' you have missed an opportunity to provide your own much funnier name and setting.

'Thanks for this, mate. I'll sort you out when I get my dole, yeah?' Open your sitcom with a joke or a funny event. This line doesn't even have the benefit of imparting the other character's name to the audience.

'I found my first pube in this place.' This is the bit where it becomes brutally obvious you can't write. Finding pubes, ripping farts - it's crass, old hat and not funny. This is your second line - it needs to be funny in itself as your opening actions and line weren't.

'Do you mind'. Why make Jake upset by the pube story? Why take the obvious route?

'Steak Slice'. Uh, another Greggs reference. Think of your own name and get a joke in.

'Break legs/disabillity' - not funny. I can see that it's meant to be a joke but it's too easy and lacks surprise or recognition. It would be funnier if Eddie suggested that Jake break his own legs. You could then detail some ways of doing it. Why would disability benefit be better than working from Jake's point of view, since it would surely offer him less money. And what sort of retort is 'brilliant'. You are not trying to capture everyday speech in all it's unshimmering banality, you are trying to entertain. Make the lines fizz.

Lines like 'If you want more money I can always give you a hand/How' are just flat and dead.

By this point all script editors will have binned the script. You have given them no jokes, no visible character and no funny scenarios or promise of such.

View original

First of all, I take back what I said. You obviously know you're stuff, it's just annoying to hear someone hate on my script without stating a reason, so forgive my previous reply.

Secondly, this isn't the start of the sitcom, I posted that a while ago, and I had a lot of positive feedback. This was just a random scene that I wasn't sure if it worked or not. It obviously didn't, and it's been well and truly canned!!

Thirdly, thank you for elaborating on your opinion. I've not been writing comedy for very long (as you can probably tell) and I have been trying to hone my skills. The feedback in this comment has proved quite invaluable, and the most in-depth feedback I have actually been given yet!

If you are interested for any reason, or have about 5 minuits to spare, here is the link to the first few scenes of my pilot, as I would absolutely LOVE to hear your feedback on that!

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/23070/

Thanks again.

Danny, I'm not a huge fan of your script, but that's not to say you 'can't write'. My first script was horrendous, looking back, it simply was not funny at all, nor was it a good story.

The important thing is you learn from your mistakes. My second script is going much better, and I've received some good feedback on it.

Keep going!

Quote: Richadam @ December 7 2011, 4:59 PM GMT

Danny, I'm not a huge fan of your script, but that's not to say you 'can't write'. My first script was horrendous, looking back, it simply was not funny at all, nor was it a good story.

The important thing is you learn from your mistakes. My second script is going much better, and I've received some good feedback on it.

Keep going!

View original

Thanks for the encouragement, it's always good to know that I'm not the only guy in the country having trouble writing!

To be honest, I like my idea, and a lot of people told me that they would watch a show based on my premise, I've just got to tell it in a way that inspires actual laughs and take the audience on a rewarding ride. My ideas are there, but it's just getting them on paper in a meaningful way.

Anyway, good luck with your own work! If you have it online feel free to provide a link and I'll give it a read soon