JOBSEEKERS: Sex, Drugs & Claiming Dole - extract 2

Hey guys! This is the second extract from my Pilot episode for a (hopefully) soon-to-be-pitched TV show entitled 'JOBSEEKERS: Sex, Drugs & Claiming Dole'. It continues from my first extract, which can be found here - https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/23070/

Anyway, if you can spare 5 minuets please read it through and let me know what you think!

EDDIE SITS WITH HIS JOBSEEKERS ADVISOR, A KINDLY-LOOKING LADY NAMED CAROLINE.

CAROLINE
(Encouragingly) Go on then, hun, show us your job search.

EDDIE
Bit of a problem there, Miss.

CAROLINE
Not the old 'Dog-eats-jobsearch' story again?

EDDIE
Yeah, no - diarrhoea -

CAROLINE
You've got diarrhoea?

EDDIE
No, my dog has.

CAROLINE
What has that got to do with anything?

EDDIE
Well - he shit all over my jobsearch innit'.

CAROLINE
Could you not have written it down on paper?

EDDIE
I did! But then I used it to wipe the dogs arse.

CAROLINE SIGHS.

CAROLINE
Alright, I'll let you off this time -

EDDIE
Awww thanks Miss.

EDDIE STANDS UP. CAROLINE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF PAPER.

EDDIE
This for my dog?

CAROLINE
It's for you dear, make sure to wipe around your mouth.

CUT TO:

JAKE AND EDDIE WALK TOWARDS THE JOBCENTER DOORS. ON THE WAY PAST THE COUNTER, JAKE LOOKS AT THE GEORGE THE RECEPTIONIST. HE HAS AN ICE-PACK PRESSED TO HIS BRUISED BALD HEAD.

JAKE
Are you okay?

GEORGE SLAMS THE ICE-PACK ON THE COUNTER.

GEORGE THE RECEPTIONIST
F**k off!

JAKE
Alright!
(Short pause) Bit rude.

EXT: JOBCENTER - MORNING - COLD WEATHER
JAKE AND EDDIE WALK OUT THROUGH THE DOORS TOGETHOR. NAT IS SAT ON THE BENCH. SHE LOOKS UPSET.

EDDIE
(Whispering) Let's sneak past, while it's distracted.

JAKE THROWS EDDIE A 'DON'T-BE-NASTY' LOOK, THEN PULLS OUT A LIGHTER, HOLDING IT UP TO NAT.

JAKE
Light?

NAT SMILES (MORE LIKE A GRIMACE) THEN TAKES THE LIGHTER AND QUICKLY LIGHTS UP HER ROLL-UP.

NAT
'Bout time some f**ker 'elped out.

SHE PASSES THE LIGHTER BACK, THEN TAKES A LONG INHALE OF THE CIGARETTE.

NAT
Cheers guy.

JAKE
Have you got a spare ciggy?

NAT
Nah, guy.

JAKE AND EDDIE TURN TO WALK AWAY. NAT WATCHES.

NAT
I got dole-ups?

THE LADS TURN BACK TO FACE NAT. SHE'S HOLDING UP A PACKET OF GOLDEN VIRGINIA TOBACCO.

CUT TO:

JAKE, EDDIE AND NAT ARE SAT ON THE BENCH OUTSIDE THE JOB CENTER. JAKE AND EDDIE ARE MAKING ROLL-UPS.

JAKE
So she's telling me about all these jobs, right, and I haven't got the faintest interest in any.

EDDIE STOPS ROLLING HIS ROLL-UP.

EDDIE
Woah, woah, woah - you actually want a job?

JAKE
Erm, let me think - yes! Why else would I be on JobSeekers?

NAT & EDDIE
Benefits?

JAKE
Wow! One-Hundred and four pounds every two week? Take away rent, living expenses -

EDDIE
Porn website accounts -

JAKE
Porn webs - no! - the point is, by the end of the fortnight I'll have enough money to afford a CD. Probably Smash Hits. Volume 1. From a bargain bin. And that's if I cut back on cigs!

NAT WATCHES JAKE AND EDDIE MAKING THEIR ROLL-UPS.

NAT
Don't be takin' the piss wi' that 'backy, yeah?

EDDIE
Pass us an M.T.

NAT
What the f**ks an M.T?

EDDIE REACHES OVER AND GRABS TWO FILTER TIPS OUT OF THE BOX NEXT TO NAT. HE HOLDS ONE UP TO NAT'S FACE.

EDDIE
M.T - Mouse Tampon.

HE THEN PICKS UP HIS ROLL-UP AND INSERTS THE FILTER TIP, MAKING A POPPING SOUND. JAKE LAUGHS, NAT LOOKS DISGUSTED.

NAT
That's f**kin' rank!
EDDIE PASSES JAKE THE OTHER FILTER TIP.

JAKE
Thanks mate.

NAT WATCHES JAKE MAKE HIS ROLL-UP, HE SEEMS TO BE STRUGGLING, PUTTING WAY TOO MUCH TOBACCO IN.

NAT
Woah! You never made a f**kin' dole-up before?

EDDIE
Mate, that'll be like smokin' a bastard bin bag!

JAKE
Sorry, I usually smoke cigs -

NAT SNATCHES IT OFF HIM.

NAT
Pass it 'ere, I'll sort it.

IN A FLUID MOTION, NAT SWEEPS SOME TOBACCO OUT, ROLLS IT, LICKS IT AND HANDS IT BACK TO JAKE.

JAKE
Thanks! You can be quite nice -

NAT SMILES.

JAKE (CONT.)
- when you're not, you know;
Swearing -

HER SMILE FADES QUICKLY.

EDDIE
Threatening -

JAKE
Screaming -

EDDIE
Physically beating -

NAT
Right! I got it, yeah?

A MOMENT OF SILENCE PASSES.

NAT (CONT.)
Listen, might be avin' a piss up with a couple mates later on. You fancy it?

EDDIE
No thanks, don't like drinkin' at crack dens.

NAT
Wasn't talkin' to you, was I?

NAT LOOKS AT JAKE.

JAKE
Well - I dunno - I was thinking about starting my job search tonight.

NAT
Tell you what, yeah? Take ma' numba' down in case you change ya' mind.

JAKE PULLS OUT HIS PHONE. EDDIE WHISTLES. NAT SHOOTS HIM A DIRTY LOOK AS SHE TAKES JAKE'S PHONE AND QUICKLY WRITES HER NUMBER IN IT. SHE PASSES IT BACK TO HIM. JAKE READS HER NAME.

JAKE
Nat?

THE JOBCENTER DOOR OPENS. OUT STEPS NICK. HE LOOKS AT JAKE WITH HIS PHONE OUT, THEN TURNS TO NAT.

NICK
Is this f**kin' college-boy prick tryna' get your numba'?

NAT STANDS UP AND PUTS HER HAND ON NICK'S SHOULDER. EDDIE SEEMS TO SHRINKS INTO THE BENCH.

NAT
Nah babe, we was jus' chattin' yeah?

JAKE STANDS UP.

JAKE
I was - she was - I was just showing her my new phone -
NICK STEPS FORWARD.

NICK
Was ya'? That's nice - I see you talkin' to my girl again an' I'll show you a f**kin' fist. Little prick!

JAKE IS SPEECHLESS. NICK TAKES NAT'S HAND AND LEADS HER DOWN THE STREET. SHE LOOKS BACK AT JAKE WITH A SMALL SMILE.

EDDIE
Lovely couple.

JAKE
Yeah.

THE TOBACCO SLIDES OUT OF JAKE'S ROLL-UP AND HE'S LEFT WITH A HOLLOW TUBE.

JAKE
Damn.

EDDIE
If you've shit yourself, use this to wipe it.

EDDIE PASSES JAKE THE PIECE OF PAPER CAROLINE GAVE HIM.

If you read this, then thanks Feel free to add a comment. I'm particularly interested in whether it is funny, consistent, and if the legnth of some scenes may be too long/unneccessary.

Thanks Guys, hope you enjoyed reading

I've since redrafted this extract quite a few times, as I've noticed a severe drop in quality since my last extract. I'm keeping this post on the forums anyway so I can see the changes compared to my second draft. If anyone want's to provide any critique it will still be helpful to me, but if not, thanks for reading!!

would a better title not be Sex Drugs and On the dole?

Quote: blahblah @ November 28 2011, 7:43 PM GMT

would a better title not be Sex Drugs and On the dole?

View original

Hmmm.. makes more sense I suppose, I'm just not sure it has the same ring to it.. Plus I'm not entirely sure that will be the title yet, when I pitch this idea I might just use that as a proposed tagline for marketing purposes.

Thanks for the input anyway, something to think about

Hi Danny Boy. Regarding the 'dog shitting on job search', just a thought but there's the possibility of a running gag with that one, for example: 1st episode 'dog shitting on job search', 2nd episode 'a mate pukes on job search', 3rd episode 'ran out of cigarette papers so used job search papers'. It just touched a raw comedic nerve the whole job search thing, as half my job search entries are a pile of made up bullshit. And I know for a fact I'm not alone in doing that. I don't know if you intend to create the whole protagonists (dole claimants) versus antagonists (job centre workers) thing? Being someone who's spent their adult life on dole off dole on dole off dole (yeah, I know get a job you bum), I've certainly came across some real mini Hitler's working in job centre's. In fact I had a friend, I use the term loosely, who got a job working in a job centre, he quickly turned into a real c**t. It's amazing what working in the job centre can do to people, before that he was merely a dickhead.

Good luck with your project and post up soon with any new material.

Cheers

Quote: the sea squirrel @ November 29 2011, 3:25 PM GMT

Hi Danny Boy. Regarding the 'dog shitting on job search', just a thought but there's the possibility of a running gag with that one, for example: 1st episode 'dog shitting on job search', 2nd episode 'a mate pukes on job search', 3rd episode 'ran out of cigarette papers so used job search papers'. It just touched a raw comedic nerve the whole job search thing, as half my job search entries are a pile of made up bullshit. And I know for a fact I'm not alone in doing that. I don't know if you intend to create the whole protagonists (dole claimants) versus antagonists (job centre workers) thing? Being someone who's spent their adult life on dole off dole on dole off dole (yeah, I know get a job you bum), I've certainly came across some real mini Hitler's working in job centre's. In fact I had a friend, I use the term loosely, who got a job working in a job centre, he quickly turned into a real c**t. It's amazing what working in the job centre can do to people, before that he was merely a dickhead.

Good luck with your project and post up soon with any new material.

Cheers

View original

Interesting idea! In a way, that was my initial thought for a running-gag; that this guy would have an excuse week-after-week, until the final episode, when the Jobcenter Advisor tells him it's his final warning, only for him to turn up later that day with an actual dogshit-covered Jobsearch. Personally, I like the gag, but I'm worried that when I pitch the Pilot episode it could be seen as an easy, crude joke, just for the sake of being crude.

I can emphasise with you about being on the dole, as I have spent the last two years signing on. Strangely, it was the day I finally found a job that made me realise how much of a potential comedic goldmine this idea could be.

About the Caiments-vs-Jobcenter Workers idea, I'm thinking more complex than that. My idea of this show is that a bunch of school/college leavers say goodbye to their structured lives and enter the 'real-world', with all the uncertainty, responsibility and pressure that comes with it. Jobcenter Workers will certainly be portrayed as antagonists, but so will their fellow claimants and other colourful characters. For example, on an episode I'm penning now there is some friction with a nasty drug dealer.

Basically, the Jobcenter is a way to bring these characters togethor and keep them interacting, but I've got other story arcs planned that are non-specific to the Jobcenter.

Anyway, I really should stop waffling and get writing more script
As always, Thank you for the comment my friend, keep on writing!

I am currently on the dole and just started writing. I really enjoyed this. I think it would be interesting to have an internal dialogue or narration to support it! Good luck and I hope it goes well. Mine is here if you are at all interested and want to comment http://missunemployme.blogspot.com/

A lot of people on here are on the dole (or Jobseekers Allowance as it has been known since at least 1990...) why d'you think we spend so much time here? I don't think it should necessarily define us, or at least define what we write about...

I guess you never know where you might find your inspiration from? And I don't see where it comes from as being a problem or an issue. It is quite simplistic to suggest an experience of unemployment or writing about someone defines someone. No writing ever draws singularly on one set of experiences. But if it where to and it is still entertaining or provokes thought, emotions and so forth it is not really a problem.