This is the opening scene of the first episode of a series of six that I've been writing. The series logline would be: Bilko meets Blackadder meets Dad's Army with a touch of James Bond. It's a wee bit long but that's a bit deliberate with it being the intro scene. Anyway, any thoughts, criticisms, abuse, or gushing praise would be most gratefully received. Thanks.
The Dashing Lord Cockburn
Episode 1: 'Gone Whaling'
INT. A CORRIDOR - THE ADMIRALTY - DAY
CAPTAIN LORD COCKBURN, THE EARL OF DUNDERHEID (Tall man, ginger hair and period sideburns), sits in a chair angry faced. A STAFF OFFICER stands at an open door.
STAFF OFFICER:
Sir Vincent will see you now.
Captain Cockburn rises from his seat still angry faced.
INT. BOARD OF THE ADMIRALTY OFFICE
SIR VINCENT, FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY (Early senior), sits behind a desk next to ADMIRALS, PERCY, CHURCH, and GAMMON (All Admirals early senior). Enter the Captain.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Damn your accusations.
SIR VINCENT:
Just be quiet and take a seat.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
You have no proof of my involvement in the deed.
SIR VINCENT:
You haven't even heard the charge yet.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Vicious slander circulated by a coward who hides behind a lady's dress.
SIR VINCENT:
Will you just shut up and sit down!
The Captain takes a seat in front of the the Admiral's desk.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Now what's the meaning of this recall from my duties, Sir Vincent? You know how much I hate being away from my ship and my salty seamen.
SIR VINCENT:
I think you might be aware, Captain Cockburn. Perhaps something to do with the illegal boarding of a French cargo vessel in the English Channel not more than five days ago. Does this ring any bells?
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Oh dear God! I haven't been dragged up to the Admiralty to answer to this piffling, trivial affair?
SIR VINCENT:
Hardly 'piffling, trivial', Captain Cockburn, I can assure you.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Why pish and pish to such hysteria over a mere routine boarding.
SIR VINCENT:
Unfortunately the French don't share your own care free attitude towards the incident. Which was made very clear to me by a furious French ambassador when I was summoned by him to explain the encounter. A summoning let me tell you in which he threatened a resumption of hostilities between Britain and France unless the captain culpable for the action is handed over to be tried by French authorities.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Why I should give that ambassador a bloody good hiding for his impudence.
SIR VINCENT:
You'll do no such thing.
ADMIRAL PERCY:
Captain Cockburn, are you not aware of the Treaty of Amiens? It's been almost a year since it was signed and everyone to date has been enjoying the peace and quiet.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
My own signed name is not to be seen on that particular parchment. You may draw your own conclusions from that, gentlemen.
SIR VINCENT:
Yes, your opinions were never sought regarding the treaty, and nor were you ever to assume the role of signatory to it either.
ADMIRAL CHURCH:
Captain Cockburn, are you saying you disapprove of the treaty?
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Aye sir, I do that.
ADMIRAL CHURCH:
And you don't adhere to the terms of the treaty?
ADMIRAL GAMMON:
Well plainly he doesn't adhere to the terms if this incident is anything to go by. But then this is probably what we should expect from a well established loose cannon.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Better a well established loose cannon, than a well established horse's arse.
ADMIRAL GAMMON:
What did you just say?
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Poppycock!
ADMIRAL GAMMON:
Listen here I won't be taken any insolence from you, you bloody Scotsman.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Balderdash and damn your eyes!
ADMIRAL GAMMON:
I'll see you ruined, you fat head.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Pistols at dawn! Pistols at dawn!
SIR VINCENT:
Right! Enough of this. Captain Cockburn, when you are in hearing you will act in accordance with present rank. Is that understood? Now if we could get back to the matter at hand may I ask what exactly was your motivation for the action?
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Then sir, I claim that just cause was my motivation.
(SOUND of MILITARY STYLE DRUMMING)
For hear ye this, gentlemen, that Bonaparte stockpiles his weapons of war. Done under the very noses of the Royal Navy. Now I ask ye, was I to turn a blind eye to this?
(End of MILITARY STYLE DRUMMING)
SIR VINCENT:
You were to turn a blind eye to all French shipping. And for your information, which I'm sure you're fully aware of, the ship you boarded was quite bereft of armaments was it not? More of a, a 'booze cruise' if anything, eh?
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Aye, might have been.
SIR VINCENT:
Might have been? Yes, well we have been informed of your systematic plundering of all cargo from the ship in question, like some latter day pirate, which hasn't exactly helped matters either.
ADMIRAL PERCY:
Out of curiosity may I ask where this cargo is at present? Do you still have it in your possession?
The Captain looks a blank face.
CUT TO:
EXT. DOVER - DOCK SIDE - DAY
MR. HARVEY (Mild man, 1st Lieutenant), looks from deck of H.M.S. Apollo as cargo is being loaded off ship. PETTY OFFICER THOMPSON (Young man, Cockney) orchestrates the off loading of cargo on to dock side.
MR. HARVEY:
Eh excuse me, Petty thief, eh, I mean Petty Officer Thompson?
P/O THOMPSON:
Yes, Lieutenant Harvey?
MR. HARVEY:
I'm just wondering about all this activity going on?
P/O THOMPSON:
Not to worry, sir. The Captain was wanting to shift this gear quick smart, no questions asked, cash in hand...so to speak.
MR. HARVEY:
Well, eh, as long as everything's all above board?
P/O THOMPSON:
Completely above board, Lieutenant Harvey.
MR. HARVEY:
Well just you, just you carry on, Petty thief, eh, Petty Officer Thompson.
(Mr. Harvey looks unsure of the scene)
CUT TO:
INT. BOARD OF THE ADMIRALTY OFFICE
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Once inspected I had the full cargo thrown over board and was damned of it.
SIR VINCENT:
I should think a likely story, Captain Cockburn.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Well you may think what you please, Sir Vincent, but it brings an end to the matter, so I'll assume that the hearing is now closed. All questions have been satisfactory answered and no charges found. All that's left is to bid you gentlemen good day. Good day, gentlemen.
(Half rises from chair)
SIR VINCENT:
Not so fast, we're not quite finished with you yet.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
What more can be said?
SIR VINCENT:
There's just the small matter of your demotion for you to consider.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
What in hell is this!
SIR VINCENT:
Yes, your commission on H.M.S. Apollo has been terminated. Which has already been graciously accepted by the French ambassador as an adequate compromise to the situation.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Good God! You have caved in to French pressure.
SIR VINCENT:
Well I think we got off lightly if that's the price to pay, considering that today we could be at war with France.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Aye but now we hear the cost. A personal insult to my honour? Surely the higher cost than war with France?
SIR VINCENT:
Oh shut up, Cockburn, and think yourself fortunate we haven't thrown the bloody book at you.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
And have ye not done so?
SIR VINCENT:
Not quite. Although a full court martial was our preferred option we've decided to show some leniency giving that war is a very likely possibility in the near future, and you do have your uses in that scenario. Like sticking your big fat head into situations that others would best avoid. So for the time being you'll be giving a new ship and posted out of harms way.
CAPTAIN COCKBURN:
Why this is an outrage for one considered a national hero. What say the good people of this nation on hearing of my shabby treatment? They will be rioting in the streets once they are made aware of it.
SIR VINCENT:
I shouldn't think the people would even care.
The Admirals nod agreement to each other. The Captain sits angry faced.
