1st Draft Script Extract - Please Read!!!

Hi everyone, I hope I've posted this in the right place!!! This is my first script extract showing roughly 5 minuets of dialogue from a 6-episode British show I am currently writing. Please, please read/skim through it because I would really like feedback (as constuctive as possible please) so I know if I'm actually any good!

JOBSEEKERS: Sex, Drugs & Claiming Dole

EPISODE 1: Pilot
By Danny Turner

EXT: STREET - BUS - COLD WEATHER
JAKE SITS ON THE BUS, WEARING HEADPHONES AND LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW AS THE STREET ROLLS BY. ON THE SEAT ACROSS THE BUS, A MAN HIS AGE (EDDIE) IS STARING AT HIM OVER HIS NEWSPAPER. JAKE LOOKS UP AT HIM, EDDIE HIDES BEHIND THE PAPER. JAKE LOOKS UP AGAIN AND EDDIE PULLS AN OVER-EXAGGERATED SAD FACE, HIDES IT WITH THE NEWSPAPER, THEN LOWERS IT TO REVEAL AN EXTREMELY HAPPY FACE. JAKE MOUTHS 'WHAT THE FUCK?' AND EDDIE LIFTS THE NEWSPAPER TO HIDE HIS FACE ONCE AGAIN.

CUT TO:

EXT: JOBCENTER - MORNING - COLD WEATHER
JAKE EXITS THE BUS REMOVING HIS HEADPHONES. BEHIND HIM, EDDIE FOLLOWS.

EDDIE
Jake? Jake!

JAKE
(Perplexed) Do I know you?

EDDIE
Yeah man, It's me, Eddie! Milton Hill Primary School!

JAKE THINKS.

JAKE
Eddie, Eddie - can't place it. Did you have a nickname?

EDDIE
Er - yeah, a really good one. It was -

EDDIE LOOKS AROUND. HE SPOTS A BILLBOARD ADVERTISING A CAR. IT STATES THAT IT IS 'THE BEAST'.

EDDIE (CONT.)
(Smug nod) - The Beast.

JAKE
(Sarcastic) The Beast? Really?

EDDIE
Yeah, well - the ladies had another name for me innit.

JAKE
Was it 'Massive Dickhead'?

EDDIE
LOL. You gotta remember? I came before you in the Egg-and-Spoon Race?

JAKE
I won the Egg-and-Spoon Race.

EDDIE
Yeah, well, I came second.

JAKE
There were only two people racing.
(Short Pause)
Hang on, the person behind me cried and threw his egg at Miss Harper -

EDDIE
Oh, must have been a different race then -

JAKE
It was you, wasn't it! Your nickname wasn't The Beast, it was The Rotton Egg!

EDDIE
Nope, got me mistaken, mate -

JAKE
Eggy-Eddie -

EDDIE
Not me -

JAKE
Runny Egg -

EDDIE
Now you're just bein' silly.

THEY BOTH STOP BEFORE THE JOBCENTER. EDDIE LOOKS AT JAKE.

EDDIE
Signin' on?

JAKE NODS.

EDDIE
Not seen you here before?

JAKE
First time.

THEY CONTINUE TO WALK TO THE JOBCENTER, WHICH LOOMS OVER THEM LIKE A FORTRESS. A GIRL (NAT) WEARING A BAGGY TRACKSUIT AND TIED-BACK HAIR STANDS NEXT TO THE DOOR, TRYING TO LIGHT A ROLL-UP. THE LADS PASS BY.

EDDIE
Just keep walking, mate. Avoid eye contact with the chav.

JAKE
What?

THE AUTOMATIC DOORS OPEN.

NAT
FUCK SAKE!

AFTER FAILING TO LIGHT THE ROLE-UP THE GIRL TOSSES THE LIGHTER AND IT PASSES BY JAKE'S FEET. HE LOOKS AT HER.

NAT
F**k you lookin' at?

EDDIE
Good luck with that one, mate.

EDDIE SLIPS THROUGH THE DOORS TO THE JOBCENTER.

JAKE
(Taken aback) Nothing, just -

JAKE SHRUGS IT OFF AND TURNS TO ENTER THE JOBCENTER. HE HAS TAKEN TOO LONG AND THE AUTOMATIC DOORS CLOSE HAVE CLOSED. HE ALMOST WALKS STRAIGHT INTO THEM. NAT LAUGHS.

NAT
Doors don't open for little wasteman, y'know.

JAKE STEPS BACKWARDS TO ALLOW THE DOORS TO OPEN AGAIN, BEFORE TURNING TO NAT -

JAKE
Yeah - bet your legs do though.

SMILING PROUDLY AT HIS QUICK REMARK, HE ATTEMPTS TO STEP INTO THE JOBCENTER BEFORE NAT CAN REPLY. HIS SMILE FADES AS THE DOOR ONCE AGAIN SLIDES SHUT. NAT STEPS FORWARD.

NAT
You callin' me a slag?

JAKE NERVOUSLY STRUGGLES WITH THE DOOR.

JAKE
What? No, I just said - your legs, they're nice an' that -

NAT
So you tryna' flirt wi' me?

JAKE
(Sarcastic) Yeah, that's it. Cos' all this aggression is, like, really turning me on.

THE DOOR FINALLY OPENS. JAKE JUMPS INSIDE. NAT BANGS ON THE DOOR FURIOUSLY.

NAT
(Shouting at the window) Little dick 'ed, my boyfriend will f**kin' waste you, yeah?

SHE BANGS ONCE MORE ON THE DOOR.

CUT TO:

INT: JOBCENTER - MORNING
JAKE SURVEYS THE ROOM NERVOUSLY. AROUND TWENTY PEOPLE ARE SCATTERED AROUND, SOME ON PHONES, SOME SEARCHING TOUCH-SCREEN PODIUMS FOR JOBS AND SOME SAT TALKING TO ADVISORS. ALMOST EVERY CUSTOMER IS WEARING HOODIES, TRACKSUITS OR BUBBLE JACKETS. JAKE STANDS OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB WITH HIS INDIE JACKET AND JEANS. EVERYONE STARES TO SEE WHAT THE COMMOTION OUTSIDE WAS ABOUT.

JAKE
(Awkwardly) I - I think there's a problem with those doors -

NICK
Yeah, there's a little f**kin' nonce stood infront of it.

NICK WAS SAT AT THE WAITING AREA, WEARING A HOODED TOP. HIS OUTBURST WAS MET WITH LAUGHTER FROM SOME. JAKE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO REPLY.

EDDIE
You just been told, mate.

JAKE
Oh, sorry, I was all out of eggs to throw at him.

EDDIE
LOL.

IN THE WAITING AREA, NICK IS QUICKLY SCRAWLING HIS JOB SEARCH DOWN ONTO HIS JOB SHEET. HE NUDGES THE GUY NEXT TO HIM.

NICK
Yo, mate. Let's see your job search. C'mon man don't be a raw ting.

THE GUY SIGHS BEFORE SNEAKILY PASSING NICK HIS JOB SHEET. NICK OPENS IT.

NICK
Yeaaah man, good shit. Web Designer, gotta put dat down. Salesman, putting dat. You applied for Debanhams?

BEAT.

NICK (CONT.)
You Pussy.

EDDIE PATS JAKE ON THE SHOULDER AS HE WALKS TO SEE HIS ADVISOR. JAKE IS NEXT IN LINE.

MAN AT COUNTER
(Bored and staring down at a form) NEXT.

JAKE STEPS FORWARD.

JAKE
It's Jake Tyler, I'm supposed to -

MAN AT COUNTER
(Still looking down at a form) Card?

JAKE
Excuse me?

THE MAN SIGHS AND FINALLY LOOKS UP.

MAN AT COUNTER
Card. Sign-on Card. It's not hard, son.

JAKE
Ahh, yeah. Sorry, It's my first time signing on, and -

MAN AT COUNTER
Nice story - needs more dragons and shit.

JAKE STOPS OPEN-MOUTHED BUT DECIDES TO KEEP QUIET. THE MAN HANDS HIM HIS SIGN-ON CARD BACK.

MAN AT COUNTER
Go over to box 5.
(Short pause)
She a mate of yours?

THE MAN MOTIONS TO THE WINDOW. OUTSIDE NAT IS MAKING A RUDE HAND MOTION AND MOUTHING 'YOU WANKER'.

JAKE
Her? No, she's -

JAKE LEANS CLOSER TO THE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER.

JAKE
(Whispering) Between you and me, I think she's a crack-head, she was shouting something about - giving out handjobs for drugs.

MAN BEHIND COUNTER
Did she now?

THE MAN LOOKS OVER JAKE'S SHOULDER AND WINKS AT NAT, WHO IS STILL MAKING THE HAND MOTION.

MAN BEHIND COUNTER
Hmmmm....

JAKE TURNS WITH A SMILE AND WALKS OVER TO THE ADVISOR SAT AT BOX NUMBER 5. AS HE IS PASSING THE WAITING AREA THE MAN CALLED NICK PUTS OUT HIS FOOT, ALMOST TRIPPING HIM OVER.

NICK
Watch it College boy! New f**kin' Trainers, yeah!

JAKE DECIDES TO IGNORE THIS AND CARRIES ON WALKING TO HIS SEAT. HE DROPS THE SIGN-ON CARD INTO THE BOX.

ADVISOR JULIE
Get out!

JAKE LOOKS DISGRUNTLED.

JAKE
Er... excuse me?

JULIE THE ADVISOR SUDDENLY NOTICES JAKE AND REVEALS THAT SHE IS ON THE PHONE.

ADVISOR JULIE
I will be with you in one second, cock, just take a seat and relax.

JAKE NODS AND TAKES A SEAT. JULIE CONTINUES CHATTING ON THE PHONE REGARDLESS.

ADVISOR JULIE
I just don't see why any man would want to do that! I mean, think of all the shit up there and the diseases they could catch and the -

JAKE LOOKS AWAY, OBVIOUSLY EMBARRESSED AT WHAT HE IS HEARING.

ADVISOR JULIE
Yes, you are bound to feel hurt honey! It's a big thing to take in, but give it time and I'm sure it will get easier.

JAKE CRINGES. HE TAKES HIS SIGN-ON CARD AND PRETENDS TO READ IT TO TRY AND FEEL LESS AWKWARD.

ADVISOR JULIE
I tell you what, hun; I'll pop round later, we'll have a nice cuppa, then we will get right into it ourselves and thrash it out good and proper, okay? Okay. I've got to go now hun. Bye! Bye, bye...

JULIE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN AND TURNS TO FACE A DISTURBED-LOOKING JAKE.

ADVISOR JULIE
Sorry about that, my friend's husbands left her to move to Africa, can you believe that?

JAKE LAUGHS, RELIEVED.

JAKE
Thank God for that, 'cos I thought -

ADVISOR JULIE
To be frank I'd rather get shagged up the arse!

JAKE SPLUTTERS.

CUT TO:

EXT: JOBCENTER - MORNING - COLD WEATHER
NAT IS STILL OUTSIDE TRYING DESPERATELY TO LIGHT HER ROLL-UP. A SMARTLY-DRESSED MAN WALKS PAST.

NAT
S'cuse me mate, you got a light?

THE MAN CARRIES ON WALKING.

NAT
Could answer me y'know! What? Do I look like a f**kin' alien or summat?

THE MAN DOESN'T ACKNOWLEDGE HER. SHE SLUMPS AGAINST THE WALL. SHE HOLDS THE LIGHTER UP TO CHECK THE GAS, THEN SHAKES IT. THE MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER STEPS OUT OF THE DOOR AND APPROACHES NAT.

MAN BEHIND COUNTER
So what's this I heard about handjobs for drugs, ey?

NAT
(Disgusted) F**k you on about?

MAN BEHIND COUNTER
Listen, I've got none of the hard stuff, but I got some hash if you can give me a quick one?

CUT TO:
INT: JOBCENTER - MORNING
JAKE IS STILL SAT WITH JULIE THE ADVISOR. NAT AND THE WORKER CAN BE SEEN OUTSIDE THE WINDOW.

ADVISOR JULIE
So - Jake - why did you decide to apply for JobSeekers allowance?

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW, NAT CAN BE SEEN HEADBUTTING THE WORKER.

JAKE
Well, I just left college, decided to take a gap year for work experience, and -

ADVISOR JULIE
Hm-hm, hm-hm.

JULIE BEGINS TYPING ON HER COMPUTER.

JAKE
-and, well, yeah I'm just looking for a job, really.

ADVISOR JULIE
Of course. So where would you like to work? Say, pulling pints at a bar, maybe?

OUTSIDE THE WORKER IS CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR WHILE NAT CONTINUES TO PUNCH HIM.

JAKE
Well - I was hoping for something in the media, it's my ambition to become a filmmaker you see -

ADVISOR JULIE
Ahh, okay. Well, there's loads of telemarketing opportunities -

JAKE
Nah, it's not really my thing -

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW, THE WORKER GETS UP AND CAN BE SEEN ATTEMPTING TO CHASE NAT.

ADVISOR JULIE
There's a cleaning position available at the SunDown Hotel?

JAKE
Well, that's not really relevant to media, is it? Anything there that requires actual GCSE's? Cos I've got an A in English, well, a B, but -

ADVISOR JULIE
There's a corner shop looking for someone to stack the shelves?

JAKE SIGHS. BEHIND HIM, NAT PUSHES THE WORKER'S FACE AGAINST THE WINDOW WITH A 'BANG'.

You'll be wanting 'Critique' for this.

It's quite long - you might not get too many takers.

Well, I read it all - which is a plus I suppose.

I couldn't keep up with who was who or why such people would say what they say.
I found the story 'improbable' like the job seeker worker hearing the girl was giving blow jobs for drugs - going straight outside for a blow job from this nasty girl.

The dialouge didn't move the story on nor was it realistic, it was mostly 'street talk' just to show you can write street talk. For instance, I can't see an employment officer saying so you want a job - pulling pints maybe. It will need a lot of re-drafting.

Quote: Lazzard @ November 23 2011, 6:42 PM GMT

You'll be wanting 'Critique' for this.

It's quite long - you might not get too many takers.

View original

Thanks for the heads-up Lazzard.

The reason I posted here was because my browser was having trouble with the 'Critique' thread. But as soon as the problem is rectified I will post my script extract in the correct thread and maybe shorten it to one or two scenes.

Is it me being a fool or should you not write *(short pause)* and other such things? It sort of implies that you expecting an audience (if you have one there) to laugh. I always thought that you shouldn't do that. I would agree that it needs more re-drafting and would add that it maybe needs to be well... funny as well. I can appreciate that people will find it funny but as far as I'm concerned street talk, chavs, drugs and blowjobs shouldn't be the basis of a comedy show, but that is just how I feel about it.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ November 23 2011, 7:06 PM GMT

Well, I read it all - which is a plus I suppose.

I couldn't keep up with who was who or why such people would say what they say.
I found the story 'improbable' like the job seeker worker hearing the girl was giving blow jobs for drugs - going straight outside for a blow job from this nasty girl.

The dialouge didn't move the story on nor was it realistic, it was mostly 'street talk' just to show you can write street talk. For instance, I can't see an employment officer saying so you want a job - pulling pints maybe. It will need a lot of re-drafting.

View original

Thanks for taking your time to do read through

I understand that some of the dialogue is a bit outragious - I was trying to go for a zany/wacky vibe with the Employment Officers. Although, reading through with fresh eyes I see how those particular characters could seem overly-convoluted.

I'll maybe tone that down and add more realism for my next draft.

Thanks for your comment, hope you at least enjoyed reading it

I think it's great. Don't tone it down. At least, not unless a production co or somebody with clout tells you to. Some excellent dialogue there--keep it up!

Quote: Bill Jaguar @ November 23 2011, 7:18 PM GMT

Is it me being a fool or should you not write *(short pause)* and other such things? It sort of implies that you expecting an audience (if you have one there) to laugh. I always thought that you shouldn't do that. I would agree that it needs more re-drafting and would add that it maybe needs to be well... funny as well. I can appreciate that people will find it funny but as far as I'm concerned street talk, chavs, drugs and blowjobs shouldn't be the basis of a comedy show, but that is just how I feel about it.

View original

I see *(short pause)* as the character staying silent for a second, rather than an opportunity for the audience to laugh, as I don't see this becoming a sitcom, but more of a show like PhoneShop, The Inbetweeners, or Shameless.

When it comes to target audience I'm thinking a 65% male audience around the ages 16-21, so the jokes fit into the age demographic, but I'm hoping to broaden the characters more throughout the pilot so it isn't as full of Stereotypical-Chavs and StreetTalk.

Quote: evan rubivellian @ November 23 2011, 7:35 PM GMT

I think it's great. Don't tone it down. At least, not unless a production co or somebody with clout tells you to. Some excellent dialogue there--keep it up!

View original

Wow! This reply was really suprising!

Do you mind If I just ask: what age are you? because if you are somewhere between the ages of 16-21 then you're right in my intended audience.

Fair enough, I'm never a good judge when it comes to these sorts of things, the more modern comedy YouTube videos included. My prefered form of comedy is Two Ronnies, that sort of thing. As such I'm always indifferent at least with most things posted on here, which is why I rarely comment on other people's work now.

Anyhow keep it up.

Quote: Danny Boy @ November 23 2011, 7:39 PM GMT

I see *(short pause)* as the character staying silent for a second, rather than an opportunity for the audience to laugh, as I don't see this becoming a sitcom, but more of a show like PhoneShop, The Inbetweeners, or Shameless.

When it comes to target audience I'm thinking a 65% male audience around the ages 16-21, so the jokes fit into the age demographic, but I'm hoping to broaden the characters more throughout the pilot so it isn't as full of Stereotypical-Chavs and StreetTalk.

Wow! This reply was really suprising!

Do you mind If I just ask: what age are you? because if you are somewhere between the ages of 16-21 then you're right in my intended audience.

View original

I'm nearly 40. But some would put my mental age at 17. As well as my IQ.

I actually think it works. It definitley has the humour and I don't agree with it being unrealistic...this isn't social realism, it's a comedy. The fact the Job Centre employee wants to be sexually pleasured for the payment of drugs is the joke and it's funny. I guess I relate, because I was signed on last year and want to be a writer/filmmaker - was offered nothing but obscure and depressing jobs in hotels.

The characters are pretty colourful, but not anything we haven't seen before. The inbetweeners and the likes don't resonate with me, but I can see where you're coming from. Maybe tighten it up a bit and make it more concise, but I laughed.

I'm 21 male, so probably who you're intending it for.

Keep writing. Good job.

p.s I spent every sign on day avoiding the vodka-smelling undesirables that would be signing on with me. It's an interesting and funny topic for comedy. There'something soul crushing but hilarious about being on the dole. The whole thing is absurd. Keep going!

Quote: Barton Fink @ November 24 2011, 5:10 PM GMT

I actually think it works. It definitley has the humour and I don't agree with it being unrealistic...this isn't social realism, it's a comedy. The fact the Job Centre employee wants to be sexually pleasured for the payment of drugs is the joke and it's funny. I guess I relate, because I was signed on last year and want to be a writer/filmmaker - was offered nothing but obscure and depressing jobs in hotels.

The characters are pretty colourful, but not anything we haven't seen before. The inbetweeners and the likes don't resonate with me, but I can see where you're coming from. Maybe tighten it up a bit and make it more concise, but I laughed.

I'm 21 male, so probably who you're intending it for.

Keep writing. Good job.

p.s I spent every sign on day avoiding the vodka-smelling undesirables that would be signing on with me. It's an interesting and funny topic for comedy. There'something soul crushing but hilarious about being on the dole. The whole thing is absurd. Keep going!

View original

This is exactly the reaction I was hoping for; I think most of the humour will resonate with anyone who has ever signed-on because, as improbable as some of the characters/story may be, it is actually quite close to the real experiences that people face while signing on.

The sentence about the dole being 'soul crushing but hilarious' is exactly why I have chosen to write a show about characters dealing with signing-on/finding a job.

I'm currently on my second draft of this extract and I can see the flab that needs to be shaved off and the jokes that seem to fall flat.

So I'd like to thank you, and everyone that has provided their input, because it has helped me keep focus and no doubt change my script for the better.