1
JANICE IS SHOPPING FOR XMAS PUSHING HER TROLLEY AROUND THE STAGE.
GEORGE OSBOURNE STARTS FOLLOWING HER
JANICE
Value mince pies, value Christmas pudding, jumbo value turkey twizzler roast.
GEORGE
Excuse me.
JANICE
I beg your pardon who are you? Are you a store detective, cos if you're accusing me of shop lifting turkey twizzlers I'll bloody chin ya.
GEORGE
No I'm George Osbourne, I'm trying to save the economy one peasant at a time.
JANICE
Do what?
GEORGE
Well if you keep buying these common, value goods, the economy will never get the impetus it needs to restart. Couldn't you buy something more stimulating?
JANICE
Stimulating eh? I'm not that kind of girl, you pasty faced pervo.
GEORGE
I mean you need to borrow hugely, to get the economy moving it's your patriotic duty England expects your debts!
JANICE
Alright then; Nigella Lawson glazed Christmas puddings, Heston Blumenthal mice pies with uranium is that right?
GEORGE
Yes apparently the ancient Egyptians made them with mice. But now you've gone massively in debt you foolish trollop. It's that kind of irresponsible borrowing that's simply ruining the economy.
JANICE
Fine I'll get this economy North Korean Christmas tree with anthrax needles.
GEORGE
You can't buy foreign we need your investment!
JANICE
Fine I'll buy the 24 pack of Stella Artois can't get much more English than that.
GEORGE
But now you're over inflating the pound.
JANICE
So if I can't buy, cheap, expensive, foreign or English without ruining the economy.
GEORGE
Yes finally the clod hopping peasant gets it.
JANICE
Fine I'll carry out a radical budget rebalancing transaction.
GEORGE
Excellent
JANICE THUMPS GEORGE HE FALLS OVER SHE NICKS HIS WALLET
GEORGE
Ouch right in the tax bands!
2
MERKEL IS TALKING TO SARKOZY NEXT TO A TABLE CONTAINING THE HEAD OF ADOLF HITLER
(THIS IS AN ACTOR KNEELING BEHIND THE TABLE WITH A CARDBOARD BOX ON HIS HEAD)
SARKOZY IS CROUCHING LIKE A FROG AND WEARING A GIMP MASK
MERKEL HAS HUMUNGOUS FAKE BOSOMS
MERKEL
So mein little French froggy we have vetoed the Greek referendum.
SARKOZY
Oui
MERKEL
Ahem mein froggy.
SARKOZY
Ah pardon, ribbit.
MERKEL
Good froggy. We have banned the Italians from having an (spits on the ground)
Ver damnit election.
SARKOZY
Ribbit ribbit.
MERKEL
Ah bon good froggy. And now we have given our unelected commissioners the right to veto any countries economy budget.
SARKOZY
Ribbit ribbit! And now we invade England!
MERKEL
Silly Froggy not till after the Olympics we wouldn't want to be stuck with that.
HITLER BEGINS TO CRY
MERKEL TAKES THE BOX OFF OF HIS.
MERKEL
What's the matter mein fuhrer?
HITLER
Why did I bother with all those tanks, your way is so much easier.
