Feedback required on my first 5 min stand up set

Hello,

I've set up a comedy writers society which is going very well (www.swcws.co.uk) I've been writing stand up for the last few years and now want to start sharing my writing and hopefully performing some of it. I have a notebook full of things that I've come up with over the years but never had a deadline to write 5 minutes about a chosen subject.

Anyway the task for the next meeting (20th Nov) is to write a piece entitled "Why I love the recession" so instead of going back through my old stuff I decided to set myself a week to write brand new stuff and a week to tweak it. And here it is below. Any feedback would be most appreciated as although I set up the writers society I'm quite happy to admit I'm actually the least experienced writer and performer there. I'm not going to change it this late in the day as I'd like to see how it's recieved, unless there are some obvious flaws. My own critism would probably be not enough gags.

Thanks for reading...

Intro

People are always saying the recession is bad, but I disagree. I love the recession. "Cuts are bad" they say. But some cuts are actually pretty good, cuts of meat, directors cuts, haircuts.

Haircut

I love having my haircut, although the recession has affected the amount of money I now spend on grooming. I've discovered though, that kids aren't that bothered what sweets you give them.
"Fancy a sweet" " Yeah they're just Asda's own make" " Wanna come back to mine and play on Fifa 2009" "Come on then young man".
See it doesn't even matter how old they are. The games I mean, doesn't matter if the games aren't the newest version. What did you think I meant. I'm not a sicko.

So my hairdresser is a great bloke, he's just a typical hairdresser really, he's got a wife who for some reason he calls his partner and he often talks about going out to play with boys, who I assume must be his kids. He's always really attentive and offers excellent service. For example he doesn't have a gown to stop the hair getting on your clothes, he prefers me to strip to my pants. It's cleaner apparently.
Another thing is he includes a free shave with every haircut. He's so gentle as well, only once has he nicked my scrotum.
Apart from the free shave, he just does all the normal haircut things. Always finishes off with the cut throat razor to the back of the neck followed by some moisturiser. Although I think he must have had a deal on one of those big industrial tubs of cream. He has to pop out the back to get it, and comes back a few minutes later with cream all over his hands.

At home

I was telling my wife about how good cuts are and she said they are not the cuts everyone else is talking about and she said I was barking up the wrong tree. Actually I was barking up the wrong tree at the time, I'd been chasing a cat who had managed to evade me.
Anyway she said they meant job cuts, tax cuts and cutting down on things. In fact she said we should have a big clear out and cut down on our junk.
First to go was my collection on 3D glasses. Well you have to put things into perspective.
I then threw away some of my movie t-shirts. Out went the see no evil, brewsters millions and stir crazy t-shirts. I needed to get my prior-tees right.
My little boy even started making cuts of his own in the only way a 2 year old can, he started cutting out words that he didn't think were needed. So Tomato Ketchup became Tetchup, Snow White - Shite, and my wife thought it was really sweet until he started calling her weighing scales the whales.

Having a sort out got me thinking about my cousin the hoarder. I helped him move form a 1 bed flat into a 3 bed house and he literally filled the whole new house with junk. I honestly don't know where it came from. He moved a Betamax video, sorry a broken Betamax video, 3 hoovers (1 working and 2 were for spares), he even took those bits of wood you have lying around in the attic. This is the worse though, he had a new bathroom fitted about a year ago and he took the f**king toilet with him! I said there's no need to take the piss.

Takeaway

Now I thought paper cuts were another good cut, but they're absolutely useless if you're trying to assault the pizza delivery man. He stood there while I went through 100 take-away leaflets before I drew blood. Well he was being unreasonable, I tried to explain that he'd brought me the doll's house patio table free with the last 5 pizzas and all I wanted was the bloody chairs.

I'm sorry that was an awful joke. I mentioned it because I actually saw that as a money saving tip in ones of those women's magazines and I thought REALLY? Is that the best tip you can come up with?

"Don't waste £3 on a nice looking dolls house table, spend £15 on a pizza, throw the pizza away and you've got yourself a crappy free white plastic table".

Well I'll share a better takeaway related one. Save money on taxi home from the pub by phoning your local curry house (let's face it your hammered and you're going to want some food) and ask them to deliver it. When they ask the address burst through the door and shout come on I'll show you, before jumping in the delivery drivers car.

And my final tip - don't waste money on watching crap comedians at stand up gigs, join a comedy writers society and watch crap comedians for free.

I'd just like to end with a little song, it's only a verse and chorus and I wrote it in 5 mins.

I love the recession for one thing.
It's the man that stops me looking in the bin.
For something tasty for my dinner.
He's cute cuddly and he's my winner.
His name is ben he owns a butchers store.
He lives alone because his last wife was a .... Pig. (Not an actually pig, he's not mental. No she slept with his brother)
He gives me his pork and sausage to eat.
Oh how I love to take bens meat!
It helps me make ends meet, by having a gobble on bens meat.
It stops me roaming the street, by having a gobble on bens meat.

Good job getting a whole set written in a week. Are you going to perform it on the 20th? It seems a bit long for 5 minutes but then I've never done stand up in your voice so it's probably fine. Disclaimer: Never done stand up EVER btw.

"My little boy even started making cuts..." is definitely my favourite section and made me laugh.

There may be enough jokes but there's too much filler. And I hate when people say it needs an edit but then never give examples of where so here's one line (about 10 seconds) I think you should cut.

"So my hairdresser is a great bloke, he's just a typical hairdresser really, he's got a wife who for some reason he calls his partner and he often talks about going out to play with boys, who I assume must be his kids. "

The opening of this line is a bit cliche'd comedian banter, and then it's another Pedo reference which can be a bit tiring.

Things like "crappy free white plastic table" I think is too wordy, can you say 'free plastic table' as it would roll of the tongue quicker .... or 'frisby for the kids'.

But anyway, there are some funny bits and it's easy for me to nit pick but I hope something of that was helpful. Good Luck.

Thanks very much for the feedback. I totally agree with cutting down on waffle, I suppose that will come with practice, but you've given some great examples.

Yes I'm performing it to the society on Sunday. There are only half a dozen members at the moment but we've only had two meetings.

As for writing it in a week - I really enjoyed having a deadline and a specific subject to keep in mind. It helped me focus instead on bouncing around from topic to topic. I recommend it to anyone writing stand up, sketches or short stories.

Meetings are every two weeks, so after a few months all members should have 5 or 6 (five minute) sets which they can then pick the best bits from.

I'll re-write the bits you've suggested and try and tighten the rest up a little.

Oh and the little boy bit is almost 100% true. He's a bit of a comedy genius TBH.

Sounds like a good group, let us know how it goes. I think it would be interesting to see which bits got laughs etc.

The delivery should improve it, but I found it pretty bad, although it's your first go so don't be disheartened.

You need to perform it and record the performance to get an idea of how good it is and what to change.

I thought it was good. Though reading is never as good as hearing. I didnt think there was too much filler. You need filler if you want to add depth, otherwise youre just a gagsmith.

The best bit, imo, was the hairdresser referring to his "partner". I've actually heard people do that, so its a good observation and, to me, totally unique.

Thanks for the feedback guys. I agree that it sounds a lot better when I actually perform it. Will see how it's received on sunday and report back. Already looking forward to the next theme. Think I might make it something Christmas related and have a go at a more child friendly set. We'll see. Anyway thanks again.