Hello,
I've set up a comedy writers society which is going very well (www.swcws.co.uk) I've been writing stand up for the last few years and now want to start sharing my writing and hopefully performing some of it. I have a notebook full of things that I've come up with over the years but never had a deadline to write 5 minutes about a chosen subject.
Anyway the task for the next meeting (20th Nov) is to write a piece entitled "Why I love the recession" so instead of going back through my old stuff I decided to set myself a week to write brand new stuff and a week to tweak it. And here it is below. Any feedback would be most appreciated as although I set up the writers society I'm quite happy to admit I'm actually the least experienced writer and performer there. I'm not going to change it this late in the day as I'd like to see how it's recieved, unless there are some obvious flaws. My own critism would probably be not enough gags.
Thanks for reading...
Intro
People are always saying the recession is bad, but I disagree. I love the recession. "Cuts are bad" they say. But some cuts are actually pretty good, cuts of meat, directors cuts, haircuts.
Haircut
I love having my haircut, although the recession has affected the amount of money I now spend on grooming. I've discovered though, that kids aren't that bothered what sweets you give them.
"Fancy a sweet" " Yeah they're just Asda's own make" " Wanna come back to mine and play on Fifa 2009" "Come on then young man".
See it doesn't even matter how old they are. The games I mean, doesn't matter if the games aren't the newest version. What did you think I meant. I'm not a sicko.
So my hairdresser is a great bloke, he's just a typical hairdresser really, he's got a wife who for some reason he calls his partner and he often talks about going out to play with boys, who I assume must be his kids. He's always really attentive and offers excellent service. For example he doesn't have a gown to stop the hair getting on your clothes, he prefers me to strip to my pants. It's cleaner apparently.
Another thing is he includes a free shave with every haircut. He's so gentle as well, only once has he nicked my scrotum.
Apart from the free shave, he just does all the normal haircut things. Always finishes off with the cut throat razor to the back of the neck followed by some moisturiser. Although I think he must have had a deal on one of those big industrial tubs of cream. He has to pop out the back to get it, and comes back a few minutes later with cream all over his hands.
At home
I was telling my wife about how good cuts are and she said they are not the cuts everyone else is talking about and she said I was barking up the wrong tree. Actually I was barking up the wrong tree at the time, I'd been chasing a cat who had managed to evade me.
Anyway she said they meant job cuts, tax cuts and cutting down on things. In fact she said we should have a big clear out and cut down on our junk.
First to go was my collection on 3D glasses. Well you have to put things into perspective.
I then threw away some of my movie t-shirts. Out went the see no evil, brewsters millions and stir crazy t-shirts. I needed to get my prior-tees right.
My little boy even started making cuts of his own in the only way a 2 year old can, he started cutting out words that he didn't think were needed. So Tomato Ketchup became Tetchup, Snow White - Shite, and my wife thought it was really sweet until he started calling her weighing scales the whales.
Having a sort out got me thinking about my cousin the hoarder. I helped him move form a 1 bed flat into a 3 bed house and he literally filled the whole new house with junk. I honestly don't know where it came from. He moved a Betamax video, sorry a broken Betamax video, 3 hoovers (1 working and 2 were for spares), he even took those bits of wood you have lying around in the attic. This is the worse though, he had a new bathroom fitted about a year ago and he took the f**king toilet with him! I said there's no need to take the piss.
Takeaway
Now I thought paper cuts were another good cut, but they're absolutely useless if you're trying to assault the pizza delivery man. He stood there while I went through 100 take-away leaflets before I drew blood. Well he was being unreasonable, I tried to explain that he'd brought me the doll's house patio table free with the last 5 pizzas and all I wanted was the bloody chairs.
I'm sorry that was an awful joke. I mentioned it because I actually saw that as a money saving tip in ones of those women's magazines and I thought REALLY? Is that the best tip you can come up with?
"Don't waste £3 on a nice looking dolls house table, spend £15 on a pizza, throw the pizza away and you've got yourself a crappy free white plastic table".
Well I'll share a better takeaway related one. Save money on taxi home from the pub by phoning your local curry house (let's face it your hammered and you're going to want some food) and ask them to deliver it. When they ask the address burst through the door and shout come on I'll show you, before jumping in the delivery drivers car.
And my final tip - don't waste money on watching crap comedians at stand up gigs, join a comedy writers society and watch crap comedians for free.
I'd just like to end with a little song, it's only a verse and chorus and I wrote it in 5 mins.
I love the recession for one thing.
It's the man that stops me looking in the bin.
For something tasty for my dinner.
He's cute cuddly and he's my winner.
His name is ben he owns a butchers store.
He lives alone because his last wife was a .... Pig. (Not an actually pig, he's not mental. No she slept with his brother)
He gives me his pork and sausage to eat.
Oh how I love to take bens meat!
It helps me make ends meet, by having a gobble on bens meat.
It stops me roaming the street, by having a gobble on bens meat.