Actually it's more a review sort of..
Holocaust XXXVIII The revenge strikes back
ON A STAGE STAND A JEWISH MOTHER (JM), AN ANGRY JEWISH SON (AJS), A NAZI (N), A NICE JEWISH GIRL (NJG) and Wardrobe Assistant (WA)
NJG
Gosh it"s great living in 1930s Germany.
AJS
But that Hitler has just been elected, if only we Jews would fight!
N
Achtung Juden!
PLAY WRITE (PW) WALKS ON AND HITS N WITH A SCRIPT
PW
No! No! You are nice Nazi at the moment, who the Jews talk trust. You only become a nasty Nazi later! Did you not read the script?
N
Sorry sir, no sir, had a late night sir.
PW
You're not even supposed to be dressed as a Nazi yet. Where are your school boy shorts symbolising your innocence?
N
Forgot them sir.
PW
Then do it in your pants!
N TAKES OFF TROUSERS AND STANDS DRESSED AS A NAZI OTHER THAN HE'S WEARING HIS UNDERPANTS
NJG
I do love nice Nazi, even if our love is forbidden.
JM (WHO ACTUALLY HAS A STRONG BIRMINGHAM ACCENT)
Oi very gevalt, I wish my poor Harold was here, such times, I'm glad my poor Harold isn't alive to see us. Such times. Gevalt anyone fancy some soup?
AJS
Don't worry mum in every generation they rise up to kill us; Pharoah, Haman, Hitler, Arthur Pilchard at the town planning committee.
N
Arthur Pilchard?
PW
(OOV)
Read the script you imbecile!
NJG
Yes that Arthur Pilchard is the worst. I wrote about him in my diary.
N
I
love you Jews, you've been so nice to me. No true German could turn on you.
PW WALKS ON AND SMASHES A MILK BOTTLE
AJS
Eek it's Kristallnacht! Lets fight the Nazis. No lets not.
NJG
Dear diary I hope the nice Nazi saves us, he's so lovely even if this is a self hating stereotype.
JM
Oi gevalt, all my sons and daughters. Where is my Harold?
HECKLER
He's dead!
PW
Bloody shut up. This isn't The Sound of Music.
HECKLER
At least that had songs!
JM
Hitler, Arthur Pilchard such evil. Oi how will we survive this?
N
I
hate you Jews, Achtung Juden!
PW OOV
Put your bloody trousers on, you're a Nazi now!
N PUTS TROUSERS ON
N
Achtung Juden!
PW OOV
And you Jews put your pyjamas on!
JEWS WALK OFF AND COME ON WEARING JM (A SEXY BASQUE), AJS A SEXY BASQUE, NJG PADDINGTON BEAR PYJAMAS
PW OOV
Bloody hell where are the striped ones?
AJS
Don't blame us, the Almeira is remaking Cabaret, and Cameron Mackintosh is opening Schindler's List the Opera.
N WALKS OFF AND WALKS AND WALKS ON WITH AN ALSATIaN IN A STRIPED CAP.
JM
Oh now that is offensive and I'm not even Jewish.
PW OOV
Don't be so Judocentric. Hitler killed all sorts, Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, alsatians.
NJG
He killed one alsatian, his own Blondie after taking her for walks and feeding her wiener shnitzel for 5 years.
N
I heard Eva Braun used to kick her.
PW OOV
That's it., Plays over all the Jews die of Typhus.
EVERYONE INCLUDING N FALLS TO THE GROUND
PW
Not you Nazi read the bloody script!
N GETS UP
N FACES THE AUDIENCE
N
And the whole of the cliched Jewish family died. But there will always be tyrants Hitler, Pharoah, Tony Blair
N GIVES THE AUDIENCE A WINK AND MAKEs APPLAUSE HAND GESTURES
and of course Arthur Pilchard.
PW STORMS ON STAGE
Who turned down my application to build a writing studio in my garden. Hear that Arthur f**king Pilchard I'm calling you a Nazi ha!
JEWS GET UP
JM
Of course some people would say the modern Holocaust play is just a ragbag of poorly researched cliches, used to push forward what ever agenda is bugging some unimaginative playwrite.
N
Where you don't even need to learn the script.
WARDROBE ASSISSTANT FLOUNCES ON
WA
Sorry lovies I just got a call. Stephen Spielberg owns Intellectual Property on the Holocaust.
AJS
So now what do we do.
WA
Easy lovey you're all Rwandans!
WA SMEARS CAST'S FACE WITH BOOT POLISH
AJS
I hope dem Hutus don't massacre us Lordy Lordy!
now edited for added comprehensibility (not that anyone's going to read it anyway, might as well try and teach a toilet to speak Cantonese or something)
