Thanks my word you're going all the way back though!
NewsJack Series 5 one liner rejects - unification Page 14
Quote: sootyj @ October 23 2011, 9:09 PM BSTThanks my word you're going all the way back though!
First time I happened to read this topic. 
Typed some stuff on here to be 'critiqued' Nothing at all, waste of time for me on 'newsjack' and here, feeling fed-up tonight.
And I tried to support others.
dellas, don't take it personally. NJ is over. There won't be many people visiting the thread now as the imperative to hone one liners has gone. Things don't always get feedback in critique generally. It depends on who's around. Have a look at the number of posts that have no replies at present. Timing might also affect as it's half term and people may be away.
As a general comment, kudos for putting the stuff up. However, although you've put them in the NJ one liners thread, they're not NJ style. And that will affect whether the stuff gets used or not. Grab a listen to NJ while it's still around and have a browse through the threads - NJ Series 5 and the one liners to see who got stuff on and why - Big Jack, swertyd, Ian Wolf, radiat10n to name a few (apologies to any others that I've missed out). Also bear in mind that there is a lot of good stuff on here that didn't make the cut.
Repost yours as one liners separately. If no one else does, I'll revisit them but what do I know? I've managed one line in five series!
Quote: dellas @ October 23 2011, 3:39 AM BST'Strictly Come Dancing'
Russell Grant is a very popular contestant on the show, he lost 3stn.
during training, He is very happy with the public result.Perhaps he is off the marangues and into the 'Merengue'??..
A fairly weak pun and over explained. Don't tell us why the joke is going to be funny and then tell the joke, it never works. Unless you're being ironically bad.
Quote: dellas @ October 23 2011, 3:39 AM BSTEastenders;
Mo Slater is entering 'Dancing On Ice', Crikey! if she falls over I expect
We will see a big crack?...
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Too obvious a pun and again, over explained.
maybe.
ITV worried about Big Mo's stress over skimpy ice dancing costume.
No one wants to see her crack.
Quote: dellas @ October 23 2011, 3:39 AM BSTDale Farm Travellers Latest;
High Court Decree,' Half the plots must go'
Our correspondent reports, 'A local resident from nearby Green dale,
Pat, a postman said, 'Yes they all received their eviction notices'
A possible 'Meiow' from side?
Good idea poorly executed. Pat delivering eviction notices is mildly funny to begin with.
But not enough for a joke in and of it's self.
I'd say all these jokes need to
1 Be alot shorter.
2 Be a lot neater, introduce a definite idea finish on a definite punch line.
3 Stop over explaining. If a joke is funny and reasonably obvious, then the listener will make the perceptual leap to get it.
Anytime you have to explain a joke you're lost.
Sorry to be so negative, but that's the way I see it. Telling jokes is not so much a skill as a reflex and you just need to get more practise.
All of these had potential but the execution let them down.
Dellas - don't take it personally. I have loads of stuff on here which doesn't get a comment - and sketches (does no one have anything to say about "Primogeniture"? Why didn't it get on? Why? Why?). It might be because this is a friendly forum that feedback is disproportionately positive (for rejects) and absent. Speaking as someone who did not get a single one-liner on this series and so clearly knows nothing about it.... I think for most of the stuff in the rejects thread you can kind of see why it didn't make it.
Not wanting to get personal or umbrage any one, here's some subjective thoughts on the subjective world of NewsJack radio comedy submissions. The first hurdle that needs to be overcome is that there are more than 2,000 one-liners every week; no more than about 20 will be recorded, and only about half that number broadcast. So, the first question to ask is, is this gag likely to be better than 200 others?
Be brutal with yourself. Is it a gag people will actually laugh at? If you stood on stage and delivered it would you expect people to laugh out loud? Have you heard anyone deliver something like it and get anything? Be honest. The advice earlier in the thread of "write twice as much and throw half away" should be throw 90% away.
Here's my opinion and some rules to consider - and examples from the rejects thread.
RULE 1: need to be funny, joke funny. Not chatting in the pub, make your mates go "yurr, good one" funny. But actually deliver to a room of 200 people and make them laugh funny.
Example: "This week's been pretty embarrassing for Chris Huhne...but then again - you could say that about most weeks!"
Example: "Why am I meant to be happy some pregnant woman did a marathon in 6 hours 25 minutes, that's just walking speed!"
Example: "NewsJack would like to clarify that in our feature on the plight of jilted Jessie Wallace, "The X Factor" was a reference to the television programme, not what happened."
Example: "After all the stupid jokes about "Talk Like a Pirate Day" I can't wait for "International Talk Like a Trappist Monk Day"."
Example:"Liberal Democrats have come out and said that they want to stop people looking at page three. Is that the page of their manifesto where they say they won't be lying back-stabbing scumbags?"
RULE 2 - an amusing idea isn't always going to be funny for the show
Example: "A new biography suggests Vincent Van Gogh did not kill himself. The authors also reveal that he mutilated his ear accidentally by sneezing while attempting to master the art of knife throwing."
Example: "MECHANICAL: I predicted with 100% accuracy that any conversation between two computers would quickly descend into argument. (BEAT) Oh, yes I did. (PAUSE) Oh, yes I did. (PAUSE) Oh, yes I did. (REPEAT TO FADE)"
RULE 3 - if it takes more than 3 seconds to understand what you are getting at it is not going to get on
Example: "I'm against the Asylum Seekers coming to the UK. I don't want to see some Iranian tribute act performing 'The Carnival Is Over'!"
Example: "We would like to apologise to David Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy following their recent Gaddafi nose-rubbing trip to Benghazi. We now accept that the transitional government did not bestow them with the honouree titles 'Libya Majora' and 'Lybia Minora' "
Example: "The proposed change to the banking rules in 8 years must make bankers feel they've The Sword of Damocles hanging over their heads...or at least that The Sword of Damocles has been ordered on eBay - with the cheaper shipping option - and will be in position over their heads when ParcelForce get round to delivering it in 8 years time."
Example: "CALLER: Hello Newsjack - just wanted to say the North Pole is made of candy floss and Germany has floated out into the sea. And since you've probably been hacked by NewsCorp those facts will definitely appear in next year's 'Times Atlas of the World'."
Example: "Some 16% of Dutch passenger trains are not fitted with toilets, so Dutch National Railways are introducing emergency plastic bags for passengers to urinate in. They've taken this action, after little success with the current system of using the 'Hans Brinker' technique, made famous in the folklore 'The Boy & the Dyke'."
Example: "Eric Pickles; We all need to lose weight, is gaining momentum?"
Example: "Officer Cadet Hi this is Officer Cadet Ian Thompson, in our recent TV program, I said that Sandhurst is like Hogwarts with guns, they failed to mention that I think Afghanistan is like Disneyland with Missile Launchers and that London is like Belfast with riots."
RULE 4 - clumsy delivery will take away from what might be an otherwise funny joke.
Example: "I'm ashamed to say that my best friend was involved in the riots. I came home from work during the riots to find him throwing a brick through the computer screen. I said " what the hell are you doing?" He said; "trying to loot dixons online."
"The Government's approval rating with female voters has slumped so far that the Tories are now less popular than men's feet, leaving the toilet seat up and Jeremy Clarkson. But on the plus side, for the first time in history there is a real chance that the next Prime Minister might be a lovely fluffy kitten. Ahhh."
Example: "Russell Grant is a very popular contestant on the show, he lost 3stn. during training, He is very happy with the public result. Perhaps he is off the marangues and into the 'Merengue'??.." (see also Rule 5)
RULE 5 - playing with meaning is often clever, but needs to be funny too
Example: "We stated that Liam Fox had called off a charity boxing match between himself and Adam Werritty as he wasn't sure whether Werritty would show up. This was wrong, it seems Fox cancelled fearing that the best man would win. "
Example: "John Williams was trending on Twitter the other day and I was really upset that something might have happened to him. Luckily he was safe and sound and I regained my composer."
Example: "BAE axing 3,000 jobs? Disgraceful! A hi-tech weapons manufacturer shouldn't be axing jobs. It should be laser-sighted ray-gunning them."
Example: "If Standard and Poors are so good at judging a country's credit status, why does their name mean "average" and "rubbish"?"
Example: "I don't think gonorrhoea gets the credit it deserves for winning its battle again antibiotics. Frankly it deserves a big clap."
RULE 6: If it is obvious, everyone else has already thought of it and don't send it.
Example: "If Dr Fox is sacked as Defence Secretary; then at least he'll still have his DJing to fall back on!"
Example: "I'm not a betting man but the chances of Gadaffi still being in Libya? I'd say it's a dead Sirte."
Example: "This week 999,999 monkeys have written the works of Shakespeare. It would have been a million but the other one was still working on his speech to Conference."
Example: "I don't know why the NHS are considering paying funeral expenses for organ donors - it'll cost them an arm and a leg."
RULE 7: Keep them punchy and snappy. To paraphrase Bill Clinton "It's a one-liner, stupid". Know the show - keep them short - get to the joke - don't labour the point - see what I did there?
Example: "On his state visit to Russia, David Cameron recalled how he was once nearly recruited to the KGB. As a teenager, Cameron says he was approached by two men on a Russian beech who took him out to dinner and asked him about is life in England. I guess that went on a lot in the eighties. I vividly remember the time my A Level geography teacher tried to recruit me to the KGB on a fieldtrip to the Peak District. " (also see RULE 1)
Example: "Former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy has insisted his party went the 'extra mile' to check out donor Michael Brown, who has been convicted of stealing £36M and is currently on the run from police, before accepting money from him. This included a full body 'pat down' and screening for electronic recording equipment." (also see RULE 2)
Example: "Researchers working on Nautilus - the supercomputer which successfully predicted the revolution in Egypt, Bin Laden's hiding place and Anton du Beke's 'Strictly' dancing partner - have backtracked from earlier claims that the computer forecast more unrest in the capital. They now believe that when it blurted out 'I Predict A Riot' it was actually having an unscheduled Spotify break. And researchers say they don't know what else Nautilus has been doing when it should be solving complex algorithms as it's cleared its History folder."
RULE 8: Funny jokes will still get rejected.
Example: "I'm sending my kids to a nudist school. It's the only way we can afford the uniforms."
Example: "87 year old Doris Day has become the oldest woman to have an Album in the UK Top 10, beating the current record holder, Madonna, by just two months."
Example: "I don't understand what the NHS have got against cervixes, why the smear campaign?"
Example: "How can people say young kids fighting in cages isn't dangerous? What if they escape?"
Example: "I agree with Arnold Schwarzenegger that turning the house he was born in into a museum will inspire people to believe they can achieve anything. I mean - who'd have guessed, all those years ago, that one day Arnie would visit a museum."
RULE 9: Know the show. Know that it's on radio. Not everything that works well on paper works on radio.
Example: "As a dyslexia sufferer I would like to congratulate the Queen on awarding an OBE to The N-Foz"
RULE ALL : You just don't know - don't take it personally and move on.
I was sure this would get on: "The sentences given out for looting were too harsh. I broke into the filofax department at WH Smith's and got 5 years. " But it didn't. However, it spent a week and a half as my Facebook status and I got lots of "Likes". Mmmmmm, praise.
F**k me Jack, your TV blown up? 
Some very useful detailed tips there. The main one being don't be offended if others don't find your stuff funny.
OK guys knew it is over so no interest' Thankyou for feedback, Sooty the 'headlines are for the newsjack team only.
You picked on those 2, there were others?...
Blimey it went into someone else's stuff.
I just want to learn, do I post these on 'radio rejects'?
Not entirely sure what you mean by headlines.
But I picked those kind of at random. The others in my view weren't better.
Radio rejects do sketch not gags I think.
Personally I'd look at the advice given, especially Big Jack's whopper post and practise writing new stuff.
I'm still happy to read what you write.
Quote: Big Jack @ October 24 2011, 11:31 PM BSTExample: "After all the stupid jokes about "Talk Like a Pirate Day" I can't wait for "International Talk Like a Trappist Monk Day"."
Quick question big Jack, was this line actually used on Newsjack this series? Or did you just pick it as a good gag out of my failures?
I don't think it was.
Aaah, ignore me, got the wrong end of the stick.
As Barbara Woodhouse said to the Alsation
Cripes, thanks Jack for your remarkably detailed (and intelligent) post. Rules 1-8 were well-illustrated with good examples (thankfully only a couple were mine, but plenty of others from my reject pile could have been selected, I know...).
However the old subjectivity thing still comes out to play (Rule 'ALL' I guess!) as of the 5 examples of 'funny jokes that still didn't get on' I found only 2 to be any good, and the Arnie one broke at least 3 of the other rules already laid down. And of course, there were (IMHO) worse jokes actually broadcast in every single edition of the recent series than anything that's been posted in this thread (although said gags did at least fit the show), so what can you do?
What you CAN do is be a bit tactical - write gags most others will ignore (including intros - hardly anybody seem to attempt these and yet 2 of my 3 used 'bits' have been the 'mistakes are like...' intros to the corrections section) and if you can possibly manage it, hold off on submitting your one-liners until close to the deadline - if you can come up with something vaguely usable relating to a late-breaking story from Tuesday afternoon, there's a fair chance it will at least make it into the script. I see people posting on Sunday to say they've already sent off their one-liners, and I must say I think they're mad!
@ Tony - one I would probably have tittered at in the pub but maybe would not feel confident broadcasting. I thought you haven't posted many this series - which is a shame as yours are usually worth reading.
@ Dellas - your posts are more confusing than your gags! The examples I chose include more of mine than anyone else's - hope you can get something out of the post.
@ Radiation - yep - it is subjective. I forgot to recap a post from early in the series where I said I regard it as a bit of a lottery whether you get on. Personally there's only been a handful of voxpops in the series which have made me laugh - and I have no idea how they have overlooked ones like the cage fight...?
@ Sooty - you said "Big Jack's whopper". Twice. Hurr! Hurr!
Back to work - this reactive core won't cool itself, you know.