In was in reference to a report about the number of e-coli bacteria found on mobile phones, coupled with 'it's the victim's fault if a criminal gets harmed whilst robbing them' culture.
TBH, I couldn't make it work as much as I liked. I was thinking about doing a sketch where the mugger asks his victim to 'slowly remove the phone from his pocket, only using two fingers. Now lay it down on the floor', (as though it was a dangerous weapon), but it was one of the three ideas I threw away.
OK, so you invented your own news story, I admire your resourcefulness.
I need to invent funnier news stories.
My 'best' three quickies from each week of the series; most have not aged well 
Ep 1
If you ask me, that MP who David Cameron called 'frustrated' deserves sympathy; I can't believe she's not getting any.
I don't think calorie counts go far enough; McDonalds should put a picture of a fat person on their products. Although they could get out of it by sponsoring Adele.
All I've heard this week is 'PJ Harvey'. I don't care what Katie Price does at bed time.
Ep 2
So just because I've got ginger hair, I'm not allowed to donate sperm? I'm never setting foot in that cinema again.
There's a new iPhone app that parks your car for you. That's just sexist.
I don't really have an opinion on Martin McGuinness. I hate his brother though, 'Spillin'.
Ep 3
I'll be surprised if Charles Kennedy makes it to the House of Lords. He's staggering all over the place.
How much will these new Scottish internet domain names cost? I've not got a pot dot scot.
Paul McCartney's ballet must remind him of Heather Mills. Especially the allegro.
Ep 4
The French have got a cheek to say that GMT is not an accurate enough time-keeper. They weren't such sticklers for punctuality in 1940.
The people who are accusing the BBC of discreet advertising are out of order. They're coke, coke, co-conspirators in an apple, apple, appalling vendetta.
Apparently London has highest percentage of homosexuals in the country. What about when Chelsea are playing away?
Ep 5
I'll be honest, I only watch Strictly Come Dancing to see a man dominating a woman. Sorry, not Strictly, PMQs.
I know why that rugby player jumped off a ferry. He was trying to avoid Katie Price.
A cry for help on Facebook saved a man's life. Imagine if he was on Google Plus.
Ep 6
It looks like there'll soon be a vaccine for Chlamydia; I'll drink to that, preferably one without an umbrella.
That Tory was right about gay marriage being like marrying animals. Either way you have a great time on your stag.
Katie Price propositioned a 21-year-old Oxford student. He was a rower, so he knows how to handle an oar.
I also went with a Sesame Streeter:
I've just tuned into Sesame Street's YouTube channel; Oscar's not looking as grouchy as I remember.
Well mine were all 'corrupted' but 1st time here. Please be kind ,a few offering...
One-liners, TV progs;
'Strictly Come Dancing'
Russell Grant is a very popular contestant on the show, he lost 3stn.
during training, He is very happy with the public result.
Perhaps he is off the marangues and into the 'Merengue'??..
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Eastenders;
Mo Slater is entering 'Dancing On Ice', Crikey! if she falls over I expect
We will see a big crack?...
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Radio4 News.
David Osbourne wishes to increase VAT on cosmetic surgery,
raising £500m a year.
Could this be an 'Over-inflated Boob Job'??
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Dale Farm Travellers Latest;
High Court Decree,' Half the plots must go'
Our correspondent reports, 'A local resident from nearby Green dale,
Pat, a postman said, 'Yes they all received their eviction notices'
A possible 'Meiow' from side?
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Mobile phones harbour lots of bacteria;
I wonder how much dirt is on Leon Fox/ Adam Werritiys phones??
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POP NEWS LATEST;
What a Brougha ha , about Lady Ga Ga, so far,
regarding Baby Goo Goo, who gives a Who har
regarding song so far? I don't give a hoo hoo,
rather listen to radio 2, would'nt you too?
Leave it there, Ta Ra.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
David Cameron] Quote from Conservative Conference;
'It's not the dog in the fight, its the fight in the dog'
Well the FOX seems to have bitten the PM's dog in the arse.
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Eric Pickles; We all need to lose weight, is gaining momentum?
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Radio4 NEWS Latest; Indian Airline Stuck for 8 hrs on Runway;
Our reporter asked passengers about their ordeal, a spokesperson said;
'It was a disgrace,we wanted to get off', when asked if they were supplied
with an refreshments; the passenger replied;
' That is the point, we certainly didn't want any more Airline food!!'
OH dear all seem bad on reflection, and have typed them all out again!
We in Eta have decided to surrender; after years of humiliating Spain, breaking the law and ruining people's lives. We just can't compete with the banks anymore.
So he's valued as much as 1000 other people, has done nothing or been seen by anybody for the last 5 years. Is Sgt Gillad Shallit going to be playing for Chelsea then?
So he's valued as much as 1000 other people, has done nothing or been seen by anybody for the last 5 years. Israels welcome to Tevez
A Japanese company have invented a motorbike powered by bull shit Looks like Top Gear have finally found Jeremy Clarkson an environmentally friendly ride.
A Japanese company have invented a motorbike that runs on bull shit. It gets 300 miles to the Clarkson.
The deal on Gilad Shallit maybe indefinitely on hold. As both sides claim to be occupying the moral high ground.
CHAVVY ACCENT I hate these bloody parenting classes the government are making us do. I bunked off 2 lessons and the school told Chardonnay, she was so angry she shit her nappy!
It's disgusting the Met police are getting accused of being racist thugs! They beat my dad to death and he's as white as they come.
I'm glad Rasta Mouse is back on TV he wasn't at all racist.
And besides I run a cheese shop he's got all the kids hooked.
I work for Birmingham NHS Trust and new IT technology has made our jobs so much easier.
Our mortuary was filling up with frozen old folks, thank God for Tetris
TV license inspectors are to go on strike.
Newsjack would like to warn listeners, don't pay up and you'll get the Archers 24/7
Quote: sootyj @ October 23 2011, 2:21 PM BSTIt's disgusting the Met police are getting accused of being racist thugs! They beat my dad to death and he's as white as they come.
I only found out about Newsjack in time to send a couple of one liners for the last episode.
Greece is over 200 billion Euros in debts. I bet they wish they hadn't spent all that money on that musical.
With the travelers from Dale Farm losing another court case doubts have arisen about the effectiveness of lucky heather.
Hey Cedar like both of those.
THough I'd do the heather one.
Looking at whats happening to Dale Farm.
It seems Heather isn't so lucky afterall.
I only just got into writing recently and I was surprised with the quality of jokes on this forum, I laughed more reading them than I do when watching/listening to a lot of comedy shows. The joke I quoted was the stand out line in my opinion it really did make me 'laugh out loud'
Thanx I wanted to work in an evening standard seller angle, but you know less is more.
nb the joke I never got to send
"I won a bet on Gadaffi getting done in, in his home town.
He was a dead cert"
Quote: sootyj @ October 23 2011, 6:59 PM BST"I won a bet on Gadaffi getting done in, in his home town.
He was a dead cert"
Matthew Parris did a less-funny version of your joke on The News Quiz on Friday.
I facebooked that gag on friday afternoon pm,
am I facebook friends with paris? yeuch
They record it Thursday. Bastards used a time machine.
nah they use their time machine to go back and make eventsw happen then write jokes about them.
It was a radio 4 comedy writer what shot Gadaffi, oh boy!
nah they use their time machine to go back and make eventsw happen then write jokes about them.
It was a radio 4 comedy writer what shot Gadaffi, oh boy!
SootyJ, I get the impression that you want us to point out grammatical errors.
so:
>4 I heard that computer that can predict the future of the world.First suggestion don't bother buying me a 5 year guarantee, Palin's the next US president.
Should be:
4 I heard of a computer that can predict the future of the world. Its first suggestion was don't bother buying me a 5 year guarantee; Palin's the next US president.
{space after full stop, semicolon after guarantee because the two phrases are related.}