Slings and arrows 2

SLINGS AND ARROWS. BY MARION AND RAY.

SCENE 3 EXT. SPORTS CENTRE CAR PARK. DAY.

GYPSIES, MICHAEL (FATHER) AND SEAMUS (SON) ARE STANDING NEAR THE FRONT DOOR TO THE SPORTS CENTRE ON THE CAR PARK.
A CAR LIMPS IN, CHUGGING AND BACKFIRING AND GRINDS TO A HALT IN THE ENTRANCE. CARS BEGIN TO BACK UP ON THE ROAD BEHIND IT. THE TWO GYPSIES STAND AND WATCH AS THE SPORTS CENTRE MANAGER, MR. BUTLER, TRIES TO GET THE VEHICLE STARTED. HE FINALLY GETS OUT AND ATTEMPTS, WEAKLY, TO PUSH THE CAR.

MICHAEL: Looks like a customer. Will we give yer man a hand?

SEAMUS: Why not?

THEY JOG ACROSS TO THE CAR... MICHAEL CALLS TO MR. BUTLER.

MICHAEL: Get in and steer the car, and we’ll give ya a push.

MR. BUTLER: (Very flustered) Oh, thank you so very much.

MR. BUTLER GETS INTO DRIVERS SEAT AND THE MEN BEGIN TO PUSH THE CAR.
TO ONE SIDE OF THE CAR PARK THERE IS A LINE OF USED CARS WITH FOR SALE SIGNS AND PRICES ON THEM.
MR. BUTLER AVOIDS THE MANY SPACES ONLY TO PARK IN HIS OWN SPOT NEAR THE DOOR. THE MEN PUFF AND ARE CONFUSED.

MR. BUTLER: Can we just straighten her up?

HE WAVES THE MEN TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR AND THEY SHUNT IN BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS UNTIL NEATLY PARKED.

SEAMUS: What the fu…

MICHAEL: Now wait, son.

MICHAEL WALKS TO DRIVERS DOOR INSPECTING THE VEHICLE AS HE GOES.

MR. BUTLER: Thanks. (Looks across to the newly arrived car lot in the sports centre car park) What’s that all about?

MICHAEL DISTRACTS HIM.

MICHAEL: Sure, you have trouble here, if you don’t mind me saying, Oh, yes, you’ve got an expense here, all right. Pop the bonnet and let me look.

MR. BUTLER POPS BONNET AND THE TWO OF THEM LOOK AT THE ENGINE, SHAKING THEIR HEADS.

SEAMUS: (Tuts) D’ya see?

MR. BUTLER: (Leans under the bonnet) see what?

MICHAEL: Seamus here is a trained mechanic.
MR BUTLER: Well I’m afraid I know nothing about the workings of a car’s engine.

SEAMUS BEGINS PULLING AND TUGGING AT THE ENGINE

SEAMUS: Is dat right? Well this is all wrong, shouldn’t be loose like dat...And this here, no good...no good at all.

MR BUTLER: Loose you say? That’s the driveway; I’ve been on at the council to put new tarmac down for some time now, potholes all over the place.

MICHAEL: Is dat right? Well don’t you worry yourself, we have all the gear on the truck, we’ll sort that for you as well...

MICHAEL DIRECTS MR. BUTLER TOWARDS THE USED CAR LOT.

MICHAEL: Forget you car, for a moment, and come and have a look at this.

MR. BUTLER: What are these cars doing here? This is a car park.

SEAMUS: You’re not wrong, for these are, as you just correctly described, cars that are parked. And, in your particular predicament, I think that we could interest you in one of these fine vehicles and give you a very good price for that old banger that you‘re driving.

FROM DISTANCE THE SOUND OF RECEPTIONIST’S VOICE.

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Butler! Mr. Butler! There’s been a robbery. Mr. Butler.

GRADUALLY THE VOICE GETS CLOSER UNTIL THE RECEPTIONIST COMES INTO SHOT. SHE IS LARGE, UGLY AND EXHAUSTED. SHE SPOTS THE GYPSY MEN AND BEGINS TO PREEN HERSELF, STRAIGHTENING HERSELF UP SHE RUNS TO THE NEAREST CAR AND DRAPES HERSELF ALONG IT.

MICHAEL: Mind you don’t dent dat, will ya now?

MR. BUTLER: Robbed? What are you talking about? The till?

RECEPTIONIST DISTRACTED BY THE TWO MEN.

MR. BUTLER: (Cont) they’ve robbed the safe, what?

RECEPTIONIST: (Looks back to answer) Oh, no, just the changing rooms. Two wallets, a couple of mobile phones and some locker money,

RECEPTIONIST FLUTTERS HER EYES AT SEAMUS.

MR. BUTLER: Better ring the police.

MICHAEL: Better be off.

MR. BUTLER PULLS THE RECEPTIONIST OFF CAR BONNET AND WALKS HER BACK TO SPORTS CENTRE.

MR BUTLER: Who are those people?

RECEPTIONIST: I think they’re gypsies; they arrived just after you went to lunch.

MR BUTER: Gypsies! And we’ve had a robbery?

RECEPTIONIST: Did you see the look in their eyes? Pure animal. They would have taken me over the bonnet of the car. (She snarls like a lion) Pure lust. Thank God that you were there to save me. A woman isn’t safe with the raw sexuality of men like that.

CUT TO THE GYPSY MEN REMOVING THE SIGNS FROM THE CARS IN PANIC.

MICHAEL: I think you’ve pulled there, son.

SEAMUS: Holy Mary, Mother of God, I’d rather sleep with the horse.

MICHAEL: Ha! Ain’t that a fact?

I like what I've read so far. It's shaping up well, I think, and I see a definite audience for it. It is, as people have said, a comedy drama rather than a sitcom, but that needn't put you off. Like Winterlight said, story first for this draft.

And the second part appears to be just as good

Of course more scenes need to be added to make sure it doesn't fizzle out or anything, but you get the idea.

OOOOh, OOOOh, I'm ever so excited as Ray wrote No1 and I did No2 and nobody's gone 'What the f**k'.

Fangs, people.

Told you

Shaping up nicely I think. And good to hear you did No2's Marion.

Thanks, folks.
Kisses sent in the general direction of all of you

Quote: marion @ January 10, 2008, 10:48 AM

Thanks, folks.
Kisses sent in the general direction of all of you

View original

Just realised that Rob is being a sod and so all kisses are redirected - oh, go on then. If you want to mock the retarded then you can still have the kisses. See how sweet I am?

This is really good. What a great idea writing a comedy about gypsies.
Good writing. I love it.

Damn it,I swore I wasn't going to comment on this,and I'll probably get shot down because I'm sure no-one else cares but um this isn't a comedy 'about gypsies'-its a comedy about chancers who,in this case,happen to be 'gypsies'.As has been mentioned,its in the Shameless mode but could also be done by other comedy characters eg the 'common' relatives of Hyacynth Bucket.The 'gypsy' angle is only relevant as an easy stereotype.
I do like it-as a comedy drama (the humour seems more suited to that and the premise is a bit expensive for sitcom)but it would grate on me watching it if the primary 'joke'/characterization was how dirty/anti-social/crooked/untrustworthy etc 'those bleedin' Pikeys are' Although I'm sure it'd be a big hit among Daily Mail readers.

I live on a bus and the traveller community is seriously underrepresented in comedy,despite the growing number of hippy/green-living/alternative lifestyle sympathizers who'd appreciate something different than the usual middle-class suburban family set-up that seems to be the staple of mainstream comedy.I realize we're not the audience you're aiming at and I'm probably making too much of this but,while I might write something with,say,Jewish characters in,I wouldn't base an entire sit/dram-com around a Jewish family because it's not a culture I know much about beyond the obvious stereotypes.
So I'm not sure how sustainable your idea is beyond a few episodes unless the characterization is really strong,and thats not coming across yet.
Sorry for the rant-it's not really a reflection on either of your writing,which I enjoy,Just the subject matter and thats obviously a purely personal (and minority) view.

Good points niteowl. I already find the two 'rogues' lovable though, and as long as we like the characters, it should be successful

Mm, I agree with Niteowl somewhat. Not sure how sustainable it is. And what's all this "Ooh what a good idea, a comedy drama about gypsies"? Has nobody seen The Riches? That had a central conceit to hang everything on too, something which - at the moment - this lacks. But of course who's to know from 2 scenes, etc.

There seems to be a lot of phonetic spelling around here at the moment... is this normal in the industry? Or should one write it normally and mention at the start what the accents should be? Surely the patterning of the words and punctuation should indicate an accent without having to resort to any "dat"s or "high nigh brine kie"s.

I think it's just too short for me to judge whether I like it or not. On the basis of these two scenes the finished product could be quite good - or it could be crap. Seems like fairly stock 'gypsy rogue' material at the moment. What's the plot? Argh, don't tell me anyway... I, personally, really do think it's a mistake to show off scenes as soon as they're written. Very tempting, but a mistake. Personally. On my own. Is what I think. Could be wrong. Do it your way. Just an opinion. Personally.

I agree James, i would never show a first draft. However these scenes weren't just written, most really happened just over two years ago, just writing what i saw. Yes agree again, i mentioned in the first post they were Irish so dat should be enough.

Dear everyone,
thank you so much for you comments which were well received.

Just to answer a couple of points in the hope that it will clarify things.
From a completely personal viewpoint it was important to me to get these on the forum because I needed some feedback as to continuity. Ray wrote scene 1 and I wrote scene 2 and I wanted to find out whether that would be obvious through our different styles. Nobody seems to have pointed that out, to date, which is encouraging for me.

As for the 'dat' and 'dis', I really don't know. I, personally, felt it was worth writing it that way purely to give the reader a taste and a feel for the characters. Should we be fortunate enough to have a company express an interest in the work then I find it hard to believe it'd be turned down on that basis. However, thank you for bringing it to our attention and we shall certainly do our homework on that one.

Niteowl is absolutely spot on in saying that this isn't a comedy about gypsies but funny characters that happen to be gypsies. That, to me, is a compliment that we building characters that are growing.
How funny that niteowl should live in a vehicle. I have spent many, many, many years of my life living in caravans and such. I have had bands of travellers 'new agers' living on site, here at the sanctuary and have lots of experience in that field (excuse the pun!)but the travelling community that you discuss are a very different animal to our subject, I think. You are not, I assume, an Irish traveller/tinker type, living off their wits,but an educated person.

And as for it being stereotypical - it worked for Del Boy as South London Market trader!

Thanks, once again, for the helpful crits.

Hi Marion, it's ok to put in a few dis and dats but that's all. This gives editors/actors the gist of the character. It wouldn't be right to write the whole of the dialogue as such.
Coronation Street scripts don't have any Lancs 'slang' in them at all, the actors do that, so say in a script it says .....get off........the actor will say....gerroff. He/she interprets it him/herself.
To be totally safe you could cut out the dis and dats and in the summary/description of the characters, just write him as Northern Irish or southern as the case may be.

Thanks for that, mate. That's useful to know.