Skit Comp 1 - 10.10.11

A real juicy wank so congratulations to GERRY McDONNELL and KASM for their wholesome victory. Get rat-flapped and PM me one apiss for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

2 - 10 - Gerry McDonnell, Kasm
1 - 5 - Shirl the Whirl, Shandonbelle

Your new subject: MONEY

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 10.10.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

207!!! - Kasm (NEW LEADER!)
203 - Mr Sunshine
179 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado, Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
109 - AngieBaby
108 - Frankie Rage
107 - Gerry McDonnell
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
83 - Ishy
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - Shirl the Whirl, 404 Not Found, James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
27 - Shandonbelle, Bushbaby
26 - David Chapman
25 - Teddy Paddalack, Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Bill Jaguar, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - RedZed333, Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - ComedyOfLife, Tuumble, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Jack Daniels, Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

EXT. NIGHT. A DARK ALLEYWAY.

A DODGY MAFIA TYPE GUY IN HIS 40'S CALLED SAM IS TALKING TO A YOUNG LAD OF ABOUT 17 CALLED DANNY.

SAM:
Sonny. I hear you want to join our little...ahem, company.

DANNY:
That's correct sir. I feel I could be very helpful to you.

SAM:
So I've heard, but before you can join you will have to pass a series of tests. If you pass these we will consider your request and we will also make it worth your while.

DANNY:
(NERVOUSLY) W-what do you want me to do?

SAM:
This is no ordinary company so what I'm asking you to do might be a little, shall we say different. If you succeed in this. You're in. If you pass, you're in. If you prove yourself, you're in. If you can do it, you're in.

This has come directly from the boss so it is imperative you are successful and we will certainly make it worth your while.

We need you to...kill a squirrel, take out the bin, soften your cough, cheer up a monk, move to Monaco, become an artist, steal a bridge, peel an onion, chew down a tree, play chess with a soldier and look embarrassed in front of an electrician. In that order.

You have two weeks. We will then meet here for payment. If you succeed, you get paid. If you achieve it, you get paid. If you-

DANNY:
I get it.

DANNY RUNS OFF INTO THE DARKNESS.

2 WEEKS LATER. DARK ALLEY AGAIN.

SAM:
Well son, I have to say that we are very impressed. You achieved everything we set in front of you and you even achieved some tasks we didnt ask you to do such as biting an ostrich, sweeping the legs of a shrew and attempting to sell your neck on ebay.

The time has now come for your payment...

HE TAKES OUT A BIG WAD OF CASH PRESENTING NOTES TO DANNY ONE AT A TIME.
SAM LOOKS SHIFTY WITH HIS EYES DARTING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

SAM:
Here, put that in your boot, quick before anyone comes. Put it in your boot. Now the 20, put that in your sock. Good lad. Hold out your neck. Put that inside your collar, come on! Come out with it.

Where are your sleeves? I've a hundred here. Lift out your boot. Take off your sock. Quickly. Will you come on! Put your sock up your sleeve.

DANNY:
What - whe-?

SAM:
UP..your sleeve. Quickly Now put that hundred into your boot. Up by your toes. Take a sip of water. Now fold this 50, hand it back to me and I'll give you this hundred. Hurry up.

Have you got a back pocket?

DANNY:
Yes.

SAM:
Good. Ignore it. Hold out your hand. Put this 20 down your back. Do it a bit nicer. Like you respect it. Take this envelope. Put all the money I've given to you and put it into the envelope.

DANNY:
Now?

SAM:
Of course now! Quickly.... Okay. Now hand me the envelope with the money in it. Will you come on?!

DANNY DOES SO AND SAM HANDS IT STRAIGHT BACK TO HIM.

SAM:
Now get out of here!

SAM SPRINTS UP THE ALLEY, FALLING OVER A BIN IN HIS HASTE AND RUNS DOWN THE STREET. DANNY JUST LOOKS ON UTTERLY CONFUSED. HE SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS, TURNS AND CASUALLY WALKS OFF.

Newsjack several billion, Skit Comp F**k All! I'm leaving this open another week due to - well I think you know. Meanwhile here's my entry.

DEPAR-DOO

GERARD DEPARDIEU: Bonsoir Messeurs-Dames, I am Gérard Depardieu... Is all right ladies, I'm not married... Now I know what you're thinking: he's French, so f**k him - pardon my French - yet recently I peesed in an aeroplane. Nothing wrong with that, but I was in the corridor at ze time. The hostess said 'Piss off', I said 'I just did.' Strange experience for a Froggie, normally it's we who get pissed all over: do the words 'Maginot' and 'Line' mean anything to you? I wanted to do so over England, you're used to it pissing down from the sky... For in my mansion I have a sink in the bedroom so in the morning I don't need to reach the toilet. Still have to wipe my ass afterwards, but 'on' cannot have everyzing... Ah Gérard, putting the Doo in Depar-doo... But the real reason I live in 'peace' is, some time ago RyanAir introduced a one-pound fee for use of ze shitteur. Shi-ite Muslims aboard? Shite Muslims, more like... So this eez my tribute to all those stuck outside ze Ryan pisseur awaiting to give a whole new meaning to the phrase 'All passengers disembark'. It's out soon, in many senses, and you can flip it over for ze B-side:

(sings to the tune of Love is in the Air', John Paul Young) Lavvies in the air
Every time you leave the ground.
Lavs of Ryanair
Every shite will cost a pound.

Can I still hold on? I really don't know.
Gotta fight with all my might.
I got no dosh but I really must go
And oh mon Dieu, is a five-hour flight.

Lavvies in the air
For the slither of the pee.
Lavvies charge a fare
For the chunder of the teen.

Can I still hold on? Out it's creeping.
I'm desperate, I need a fag.
I got no dosh, down my leg it's seeping.
Gonna reach out for my mate's sick bag.

(chorus)
Ryanair's shit fare
For lavvies in the air
Oh oh oh
Gotta go

Lavvies in the air
For the wiping of the bum.
Lavvie fare's unfair
When you pay for every dump.

I can't hold on, I'm flowing full throttle.
And now there's a number two.
I'll use the tray and my old wine bottle.
What's the difference? Looks like airline food.

(repeat chorus)

Thank you Messeur-Dames, but (clutches groin) now I must go.

LUSH PARTY IN LUSH SURROUNDS. CHAMPAGNE FLOWING ETC.
EVERYONE P*SSED. THE WIFE, THE HOSTESS, IS IN EVENING GOWN/TIARA.
GUESTS LEAVING AND THANKING HER.

HOTEL MANAGER
Your husband requested the bill madam.

HE HANDS THE WIFE THE BILL ON A SILVER PLATTER, SHE TAKES IT AND THE MANAGER LEAVES. HER HUSBAND APPROACHES AND LOOKS AT THE BILL

HUSBAND [laughs]

55 thousand quid.......peanuts, darling.

WIFE

You know when I said I'd won the lottery......

Otterfox - splendidly bizarre!

Quote: Shirl the Whirl @ October 11 2011, 9:59 PM BST

Otterfox - splendidly bizarre!

View original

It's open for another week Shirl!

Is it?

Yerss I'm leaving this open till 17.10 due to a trickly response, oo-er. Cheers

Can we have the title of the thread changed to reflect the new date please?

Quote: AngieBaby @ October 15 2011, 12:10 AM BST

Can we have the title of the thread changed to reflect the new date please?

View original

Alas I can't.

A MAN (THIRTYISH) JUMPS OUT FROM AN ALLEY HOLDING A QUESTIONNAIRE. HE BLOCKS THE PATH OF A WOMAN (BLONDE, FIFTYISH) ON HER WAY TO WORK.

MAN
(Abruptly) I want answers.

WOMAN
Answers to what?

MAN
These questions I've got here. And then I'll let you go. Or do you think you're too stupid to answer them?

WOMAN
(Nervous) Eh, no. Go ahead.

MAN
What colour are my underpants?

WOMAN
Eh? How would I know?

THE MAN NOTES SOMETHING DOWN ON HIS FORM.

MAN
What size of shoe do I take?

WOMAN
Oh, for crying out loud. I've no idea.

THE MAN NOTES SOMETHING DOWN ON HIS FORM.

MAN
When did I have my first kiss?

WOMAN
What a ridiculous question. In fact, they all are. Get out of my way you tedious little man.

MAN
I regret to say that you have failed the Life in the UK Test and you will be deported immediately. (Man nods at group of men nearby) Take her away.

THE OTHER MEN ACCOST THE WOMAN.

WOMAN
But I have a husband. I was born here. I can trace my ancestors back to the Saxons. Where are you taking me?

MAN
Dunno! Some British shithole like Benidorm, I suppose.

WOMAN
Okay, Okay, I'll give you a thousand pounds and we'll say no more of this.

MAN
No.

WOMAN
Ten thousand.

MAN
(Nodding) Okay. Let her go, boys. She's paying up.

WOMAN
This is daylight robbery. Who are you?

MAN
Why, Mrs May, we work for you.

A use for that NJ reject...

JUSTIN
In an unprecedented display of moral scruple, Swiss banks have conceded an historic agreement on tax disclosure that the Government claims will recoup seven billion in lost revenue. The Swiss deal was negotiated by Revenue & Customs big cheese Dave Hartnett. Newsjack was a fly on the fondue.

HARTNETT
So, you are the, ha ha, gnomes of Zurich?

BANKER
Were you expecting, Mr Hartnett, that we would be gnarled little men with long white beards and a garish taste in floppy headgear?

HARTNETT
No, not really.

BANKER
Well we are. Get over it. So you have come to steal our hoard of gold. (ECHO) Go-oldd! Go-oldd!

HARTNETT
No, no we just want to tax UK residents who hide funds in Swiss bank accounts.

BANKER
Our go-oldd! He wants our go-oldd! You are not the first to come seeking our hoarded treasure. In our vaults bleach the bones of many another gallant knight.

HARTNETT
Only a Commander of the Bath actually, but if this comes off my hopes are up for the Birthday Honours, wot?

BANKER
To get to the go-oldd you must first brave the horrors of (DRAMATIC PAUSE) the labyrinth - a stomach-churning, mind-addling maze of discretionary trust funds, offshore holding companies and Lichtenstein-based private foundations.

HARTNETT
Yes, well, we thought we would leave that to you chaps. Look it is quite simple. In exchange for us drawing a line under past evasion, because let's face it no-one wants to dig up any unpleasantness - you never know who might be implicated, and I really do want that knighthood - you deduct the tax due from your clients' accounts on our behalf.

BANKER
(INCREDULOUS) And you would trust us to do that?

HARTNETT
I am sure we'll get what's coming to us.

BANKER
Yes... Yes you will. And this will apply from when?

HARTNETT
31st May. 2013. That long enough?

BANKER
Yes that should be ample to empty out any remaining private accounts - I mean, I think we might just about be ready by then. But what of the dread amendment to the EU Savings Tax Directive that has long threatened to force us to disclose intimate details of our client accounts?

HARTNETT
Oh I shouldn't worry about any of that nonsense. Don't want too much poking about now do we? Not when there are knighthoods going begging. So do we have a deal?

BANKER
(SPITS) Deal. Oh and Mr. Hartnett, here's your go-oldd.

HARTNETT
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, I was expecting a bit more than that. Hang on these aren't coins, they're...

BANKER
Beans. Magic beans, Mr Hartnett.

HARTNETT
(BRIGHTENING) Oh just the ticket to sort out that deficit.

END

SFX: Shop bell rings

PROFESSOR MAGNOLIUS: Magic emporium.

SCOTT: Hi, Professor Magnolius. I've got a problem; I'm taking a girl out to the pier tonight but I'm really worried I won't be able to afford to pay for the date.

PROFESSOR MAGNOLIUS: Ah, say no more, my duckie. I think I've got just the ticket

SFX: Backroom door opens, the sound of coins falling to the floor is heard and continues playing

PROFESSOR MAGNOLIUS: 'ere we are! The jacket of infinite wealth!

SCOTT: Oh wow, it's purple! Can I try it on?

PROFESSOR MAGNOLIUS: Certainly my son.

SCOTT: Oh it's nice! So money's just constantly falling out of the sleeves?

PROFESSOR MAGNOLIUS: That's right

SCOTT: Is there a reason it's all in pennies?

PROFESSOR MAGNOLIUS: Not a good one, no. So, you wannit?

SCOTT: How much is it.

PROFESSOR MAGNOLIUS: Fifteen pand forty

SCOTT: Ah.....
(pause)
Will... that do it?

PROFESSOR MAGNOLIUS: Best give it a few more seconds... Yeah, that'll do.

SCOTT: Alright thanks!!

SFX: Scott leaving

PROFESSOR MAGNOLIUS: Yeah. 'Ere, don't get on any peddle-boats!! Aw, he'll learn...

SFX: The professor mutters 'Ahh, Christ almighty' and sweeps away the massive amount of pennies

INT BOOK SHOP. A MAN (PETER) STORMS IN AND SLAMS A BOOK DOWN IN FRONT OF A GIRL WORKING THERE (TRACY)

PETER
I'd like a refund please.

TRACY HAS A BRIEF LOOK AT THE BOOK

TRACY
I'm sorry sir, we don't offer refunds if you've already read it.

PETER
The book is called 'Making Money'. I've not made any so the product must be faulty.

TRACY
That's odd. We've had a few people use this book, and most are now living on their own private islands. I'll have to check with my manager. GEOFF!

GEOFF HEARS HER SHOUT AND COMES OVER FROM THE BACK OF THE SHOP TO TAKE A LOOK. HE PICKS UP THE BOOK AND FLICKS THROUGH THE PAGES

GEOFF
Seems ok. No pages stuck together. No bookmark left in. You were reading it the right way up weren't you?

PETER
I checked that. I'm not a complete idiot. Listen I can show you my bank account if you want. I'm still no richer than when I bought the book. In fact I'm slightly poorer.

PETER PICKS UP THE BOOK AND LOOKS AT THE BACK

PETER
£14.99 poorer in fact.

GEOFF
Ok, erm, what have you tried?

PETER
I tried to start my own business. The book suggested I come up with something that everyone wanted, that was cheap to make, and that no-one had thought of yet.

GEOFF
Sounds sensible. What did you come up with?

PETER
I had a great idea for this metal clip that holds papers together.

TRACY
A paperclip?.

PETER
If you like yes, although I called it ClippySheet. Apparently someone else got there first. Not before I spent a great deal of time and effort designing the web site for it though.

GEOFF
Anything else?

PETER
After that first failure I skipped straight to the more ambitious chapters. I spent a whole day digging in my garden for oil. Nothing. I found out I can't use a metal detector because of the plate in my head, and according to my contact at Sainsbury's, a jar of out of date peppercorns aren't classed as rare, expensive, spices.

GEOFF
Well, I'm sorry sir. We really can't offer a refund as the product seems fine. It could just be the way you're using it.

PETER
How incredibly rude. Ok then, you have a go.

HE THROWS THE BOOK AT TRACY. SHE LOOKS AT GEOFF WHO JUST SHRUGES HIS SHOULDERS. SHE OPENS THE BOOK, READS A PAGE AND AS IF FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS, COUNTS OUT SOME STEPS. SHE STOPS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOP AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK SOMETHING UP. AS SHE STANDS UP SHE HAS A LOOK OF SURPRISE ON HER FACE

TRACY
Cool. It's a Faberge egg. See you Geoff. I'll let you and Sandra know my new address.

AS SHE WALKS OUT OF THE SHOP PETER SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF. HE OPENS THE BOOK AGAIN AT THE FIRST PAGE AND LOOKS AT GEOFF, SLOWING READING FROM IT

PETER
Any chance of a job?

ELSIE AND DOROTHY ARE LINING UP TO PAY FOR THEIR TRAYS OF FOOD AT A CAFETERIA.

ELSIE -
Pot of tea for two and two bits of flapjack please love.

ASSISTANT -
That will be £5.60 please.

ELSIE GOES TO PAY BUT DOROTHY STOPS HER.

DOROTHY -
No, no, my treat.

ELSIE -
No, you paid last time.

DOROTHY -
Put your purse away, I'm paying.

ELSIE -
Here you are love, right money.

DOROTHY -
Don't take it love, I'm paying.

ASSISTANT -
How about I charge you £2.80 each?

ELSIE -
No, I'm paying.

BOTH HOLD THEIR MONEY OUT.

ASSISTANT -

Okay. (STARTS POINTING FROM ONE HAND TO THE OTHER) Eeny meeny miny mo, catch a ....ooh, that's not very politically correct. Um...ip dip, dog shit..

ELSIE -
That's not very hygienic!

ASSISTANT -

Alright, I'll flip a coin - oh - I can't open the till until you pay. I know, I'll ask a general knowledge question, then the first person to answer can pay me. Right, what's the capital of Indonesia?

DOROTHY AND ELSIE LOOK BLANK. THE MAN BEHIND THEM IN THE QUEUE ANSWERS.

MAN -
Jakarta.

ASSISTANT -
That's correct.

MAN -
Good. Can I pay for my bloody pie before it goes cold?

ASSISTANT -
Well I've rung the teas through now.

MAN -
I'll pay for their teas and they can pay for my pie.

ASSISTANT -
That will be £5.60 please sir.

THE MAN PAYS AND THE ASSISTANT TURNS TO ELSIE AND DOROTHY.

ASSISTANT -

And that will be £9.99 for the pie.

ELSIE AND DOROTHY - (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
She's paying!