NewsJack Series 5 one liner rejects - unification Page 9

My pick of the pops.

Quote: 3songsnoflash @ October 6 2011, 1:25 AM BST

APP:
It's a disaster that we might lose ownership of Greenwich Meantime to the bloody French! If they have total control over time, one can only imagine how bloody long they'll take for lunch.

BRIAN COX:
The largest astronomical telescope ever built has just started operation in Chile, and with it we'll be able to look deep into the past to see the beginnings of the Universe, how the first galaxies were formed, and Brucie's first performance at the Theatre Royal, Bilston.

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Quote: Kevin Mears @ October 6 2011, 5:25 PM BST

Apparently they're going to be taxing Lego in Denmark next. I don't know what to make of that.

Apparently they're going to be taxing the porn industry in Denmark next. They'll be taking on all comers.

I hope they don't get rid of GMT. If they want to get rid of a defective line that runs through London how about the Northern line?

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Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ October 6 2011, 5:40 PM BST

)

(LITTLE OLD LADY) It's sad to hear book shops are in decline; I mean where am I going to have my afternoon nap now?

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Quote: Park Bench @ October 6 2011, 6:17 PM BST

Poet Laureate Carol Anne Duffy says she is still waiting on a pair of football boots promised to her by David Beckham, after she wrote a poem about him in 2010. David has asserted he will keep his promise, as agreed, once he finishes reading the poem.

The Bank of England has announced that the new style £50 note will be introduced on the 2nd November. The note will feature a range of enhanced security features. The main one being it is practically worthless.

The minimum wage for adults has been increased by 15p to £6.08, or in today's terms, the equivalent of 3 plastic carrier bags.

Investigators are cracking down on the multi-million pound trade in fake and useless medicines. It is not yet clear whether cough and cold remedies will be targeted first.

BT suffered a power failure at a major exchange in Birmingham this week, bringing their broadband service to a standstill. The majority of their customers didn't notice any change in the service provided, and a small percentage noted an improvement.

Art collectors were set to bid up to £60,000 for a canvas, thought to be the work of Bob Law, which was completely blank except for the date. The item was later withdrawn from sale, after it was discovered that it was actually a page from the Home Secretary's missing diary.

And finally, a welcome message I sent in last week...

Hello, I'm Justin Edwards and welcome to Newsjack on BBC Radio 4 Extra. If Radio 4 is a three-course gourmet meal, then 4 extra is a greasy quarter pounder with double gherkin, no cheese and a sarcastic 'sorry about your wait' after taste.

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Quote: Frantically @ October 6 2011, 9:25 PM BST

My losers:

CALLER:It's incredible that postmen in Kabul can deliver mail when there are barely any street-names or house-numbers. On the other hand, if the Royal Mail's taught us anything it's that street-names and house-numbers don't always help.

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Quote: sootyj @ October 6 2011, 11:39 PM BST

1 I hear Dutch cities are banning tourists from drug cafes.

A ringmaster at the Amsterdam circus was arrested for shouting "roll up roll up".

2 Greece is in so much debt, the world bank has downgraded it to margarine

3Greece is in so much debt, that when their president mentioned big issues at the EU, he was actually trying to sell one.

9 "I see travellers are threatening to park in the giant car parks in out of town shopping centres. Or we could just give them Milton Keynes."

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RubberBand wins it this week - some really strong gags - can imagine them in a routine.

Quote: 3songsnoflash @ October 6 2011, 1:25 AM BST

APP:
Everyone's been raving about that thing on the telly with all the dinosaurs. I didn't see what all the fuss was about, it was just like any other Tory Party Conference.

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Very good, but could be trimmed. E.g. Everyone's been raving about all those dinosaurs on telly but to me it looked just like any other Tory Party Conference.

Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ October 6 2011, 5:40 PM BST

I was listening to the Universities and science minister waffle on at the Tory Conference and I thought 'what you talking about Willetts?!'.

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Made me laugh. Nice and silly.

Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ October 6 2011, 5:40 PM BST

Terry Jones having a baby at 69; shows the python's still working! (SNIGGERS)

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Great, but a word or two different might make it work better, e.g. Terry Jones having a baby at 69; shows at least one python's still working!

Quote: Park Bench @ October 6 2011, 6:17 PM BST

Poet Laureate Carol Anne Duffy says she is still waiting on a pair of football boots promised to her by David Beckham, after she wrote a poem about him in 2010. David has asserted he will keep his promise, as agreed, once he finishes reading the poem.

The Bank of England has announced that the new style £50 note will be introduced on the 2nd November. The note will feature a range of enhanced security features. The main one being it is practically worthless.

The minimum wage for adults has been increased by 15p to £6.08, or in today's terms, the equivalent of 3 plastic carrier bags.

The Chinese space programme was dealt a devastating blow last week during its first unmanned rocket launch, when at a height of 20,000 feet, the rocket failed to explode and deliver a much-anticipated shower of multi-coloured sparks.

For the first time, English judges have been asked to rule on 'the right to die' of a patient not in a permanent vegetative state. A judiciary spokesman commented 'whilst the smallest hope of recovery remained, we felt the Lib-Dem manifesto deserved the chance to live.'

The UK has pledged £50M towards spin-off technologies of the super strong material 'Graphene'. Its inventors say it has many practical uses but even it may struggle to strengthen Lib-Dem election promises, the global economy or confidence in anything said by Eric Pickles.

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There's not much wrong with the material, PB, just that these would stand more chance of getting on if written as apps or corrections. You have the gags, just fit the format. As it is they are all stand-up lines.

Quote: Frantically @ October 6 2011, 9:25 PM BST

CALLER:If Andy Burnham thinks Labour didn't do enough for people not going to university he must love the current government. They've done more to help people not go to university than any in history.

CALLER:It's incredible that postmen in Kabul can deliver mail when there are barely any street-names or house-numbers. On the other hand, if the Royal Mail's taught us anything it's that street-names and house-numbers don't always help.

CALLER:I don't like the idea of these massive computer systems that mean cities will be able to talk to other cities. I live in Hemel Hempstead and I'm worried they'll all arrange parties...and we won't get invited.

CALLER:It's not accurate to say that Banksy's street-art has been spray-painted over by vandals. They prefer to be called street art-critics.

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All good, though the last one might have worked better re-worded as a correction

Quote: 3songsnoflash @ October 6 2011, 11:30 PM BST

APP:?
We hear a lot of buzzwords these days like Brand Recognition, Brand Awareness and Brand Loyalty, but it didn't help Katy Perry's husband get through Canadian Passport Control, did it?

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I like - unlucky. My app was "So Russell Brand's been prevented from entering Canada. What's their secret?"

Quote: sootyj @ October 6 2011, 11:39 PM BST

Greece is in so much debt, the world bank has downgraded it to margarine

"Travellers threatening to park in the giant car parks in out of town shopping centres? Can't we just give them Milton Keynes?"

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Good, and they used one didn't they?

Quote: radiat10n @ October 7 2011, 11:31 AM BST

Man:Men may be more prone to diabetes than women, but women are more likely to listen to Cliff Richard, so I'd call that a fair trade-off.

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A cracker - just what I like in an app!

Quote: swerytd @ October 7 2011, 11:35 AM BST

OPINIONS:
Opinions are like suppositories: most of the time, you'll get told to shove them up your arse but, once in a while, you'll find someone who accidentally swallows one. Newsjack's opinion defecator is called the JackApp.

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Funny, but almost certainly a bit too direct even for Rudejack.

Quote: RubberBand @ October 7 2011, 11:36 AM BST

The information superhighway was more of a no through road for some BT customers who lost access at times on Tuesday. Industry observers were surprised some customers received a rare apology from BT, asking "You got an Ology?!"

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Very good, though the gag might have worked even better as the punch to a 3 or 4 line quickie sketch.

I do find the friday autopsy heartening and confusing. In all honest no ne hear is writing duffers and you could all be selling these to standups.

And yet so much of what goes in the show is well not of the same standard.

nb Carpark you seem to have cracked the formula, pretty much all of yours would get good laughs in a standup routine.

But what do I do now, with 12 party hats and associated cheap plastic toys ?

Quote: Park Bench @ October 8 2011, 10:41 AM BST

But what do I do now, with 12 party hats and associated cheap plastic toys ?

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Worse defence for serial murder ever

My Apps! They're shit!

LAD - Just bought myself Fifa for 30 quid. Cost Russia and Qatar millions more than that. Mugs!

RACIST MAN - Indians! First they come over here, then they bring their bloody summer with them! Bring back the British Autumn!

WOMAN - Well I think that putting £250m into weekly bin collections is a bit much for trying to find the cat of an MP's lover...

POSH MAN - So Katie Price and her Argentinian boyfriend split up due to the language barrier? I assume he learned English then!

WOMAN - I know people are getting cheesed off at the traveller situation but there's no need to fly a plane into a ferris wheel!

Quote: Feeoree @ October 8 2011, 2:07 PM BST

RACIST MAN - Indians! First they come over here, then they bring their bloody summer with them! Bring back the British Autumn!

(They pretty much used this one in last week's show)

POSH MAN - So Katie Price and her Argentinian boyfriend split up due to the language barrier? I assume he learned English then!

(They mentioned they got alot of variations on this one in the Q and A)

WOMAN - I know people are getting cheesed off at the traveller situation but there's no need to fly a plane into a ferris wheel!

(Could have seen them maybe using something like this but they went with sooty's travellers/Milton Keynes gag so he ruined it for everyone else )

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Thanks for reading my one-liners, folks.

I liked sooty's downgraded to margarine.

'Opinions are like suppositories: most of the time, you'll get told to shove them up your arse but, once in a while, you'll find someone who accidentally swallows one.'

Can't believe I missed this. Brilliant line!

That is a fantastic line.

Cheers guys

Dan

They might still use it of course - it's a non-topical gag. But I think it could easily lose the "arse", and still be funny. The biggest problem is you swallow lies rather than opinions but I think the audience would still buy it.

Ok, let me see...what did I think had half a chance...

The BBC reveals the identity of newly discovered serial killer. Itself.

Glamour model Jordan has become the victim of a £14,000 fraud, after a busty impostor stole her identity. A HSBC spokesman confirmed a lapse in security protocol made the scam possible. 'After checking out her credentials, the bank teller didn't think there was a need to ask for further proof of I.D.'

The extraordinary quantity of drugs being taken by Michael Jackson emerged at his doctor's trial last week. A table covered with 36 bottles of medicines was laid out for the jury. It led to some confusion, as half the jury initially thought it was a complimentary table set up for their recreational use during adjournments.

Some 16% of Dutch passenger trains are not fitted with toilets, so Dutch National Railways are introducing emergency plastic bags for passengers to urinate in. They've taken this action, after little success with the current system of using the 'Hans Brinker' technique, made famous in the folklore 'The Boy & the Dyke'.

Scottish company 'Freescale' have released a phone app to allow motorists to check fuel, unlock doors, control lights and de-ice their cars from the comfort of their own homes. The app is to be sold in tandem with a new paper-based one from Andrex, whose purpose has not yet been revealed.

When two thousand people dressed as doctors and nurses blocked Westminster Bridge on Sunday, the police initially believed it to be a protest over NHS cuts. However, it turned out to be the remnants of Sir Paul McCartney's stag do.

The British Medical Association has rejected the idea to pay organ donor's funeral expenses. A spokesman for the BMA commented 'After all, once your organs have been removed, your body will fit into a shoebox and you can be buried in the garden, next to the cat.'

Not my best week. I think pressure at work put me off track this week.

my correction intros

Mistakes are like Putin - ugly and dangerous

Mistakes are like Gordon Browns administration - easy to forget but hard to forgive

Mistakes are like affairs - if your wife finds out about one you'll never hear the end of it

Mistakes are like car insurance the older you get the less costly it is

Mistakes are like standing on an upturned plug - hilarious if it happens to your friend day-ruining if it happens to you

Mistakes are like eating in a restaurant next to an animal shelter - if you don't avoid them it'll leave a bad taste in your mouth

Mistakes are like sex - sloppy and costly

Mistakes are like Downtown Abbey - unavoidable