INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
A POLICEMAN is sitting by the Desk at reception. A POSH MAN comes running in.
POSH MAN
I say! You there! I've just been robbed!
POLICEMAN
Excuse me sir?
POSH MAN
I've just been bloody well mugged! Right outside! I need your help!
POLICEMAN
Which service do you require?
POSH MAN
What?
POLICEMAN
Which service do you require, sir? Police, Fire or Ambulance?
POSH MAN
Is this a joke?
POLICEMAN
Well I should hope not sir or I'll have to charge you with wasting police time
POSH MAN
What the hell is wrong with you man!? Didn't you hear me!? I've just been robbed, I say! Right outside the station!
POLICEMAN
I am sorry sir. It's just protocol. I have to ask which service you need
POSH MAN
Well I want the police don't I!?
POLICEMAN
Do you sir?
POSH MAN
Yes!
POLICEMAN
Ok
The POLICEMAN ticks a box on his sheet of paper
POLICEMAN
And where would you like assistance sir?
POSH MAN
Where?
POLICEMAN
Yes, where?
POSH MAN
Well right bloody here, man! Where else?
POLICEMAN
I don't know sir. Where else?
POSH MAN
Nowhere else!
POLICEMAN
And where's here sir? Bell Street?
POSH MAN
Of course!
POLICEMAN
Okey dokey
The POLICEMAN ticks another box on his sheet
POSH MAN
What have you got there?
POLICEMAN
Just my sheet, sir. Just protocol
The POSH MAN walks over to the desk and looks over at the sheet of paper
POLICEMAN
Step away from the desk sir!
POSH MAN
I say! That's an emergency call sheet! I'm not on the bloody telephone, man! You're using the wrong sheet!
POLICEMAN
I am not!
POSH MAN
You bloody well are!
POLICEMAN
Sir, I'm a policeman! I'm an officer of the law and I know what I'm doing. I'm just following protocol! You just need to calm down and...
The POLICEMAN looks down at his sheet
POLICEMAN (continued)
...stay on the line!
POSH MAN
Stay on the line!? What bloody line!? I'm stood right in front of you, you ninny! You imbecile!
The POLICEMAN gets up and walks round towards the POSH MAN
POLICEMAN
I'll not be spoken to like that, sir! I'm an enforcer of the law!
A POLICE SEARGENT walks into the room
POLICE SEARGENT
What's all this racket? What's going on here!?
POSH MAN
Oh thank god! This man is an idiot! I've just been robbed!
POLICE SEARGENT
Robbed you say!?
POSH MAN
Yes! Robbed! And this man is asking me silly questions and wasting time! He's looking at the wrong bloody sheet!
POLICE SEARGENT
The wrong sheet you say?!
POSH MAN
Yes! The wrong bloody sheet!
POLICEMAN
I was just following protocol, sarge... then he started gobbing off...
POLICE SEARGENT
Shut up Jenkins!
The POLICE SEARGENT walks over to the desk and looks at the sheet
POLICE SEARGENT
Jenkins! You bloody idiot! You've buggered it up again haven't you!?
POSH MAN
I told him! The wrong bloody sheet!
POLICE SEARGENT
Red pen! Red bloody pen! You know you're not allowed to use red pen, Jenkins! Black pen! Always black pen!
POLICEMAN
Always black pen!
POSH MAN
What!?
POLICE SEARGENT
I'm so sorry sir! He's used the wrong pen! We'll have to start this again! What service do you want? Police, Fire or Ambulance?