First attempt!

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice? I realise this might not be the best place to do this, but I'm in the process of trying to write my first stand-up routine. I haven't got an open spot booked yet, trying to work on the material first seemed like the better thing to do to me, to try and boost my confidence up a little bit. I've got no problem with the idea of getting on a stage, as I'm one of the main characters in my local panto every year, it's just the writing side that I'm more concerned with. Below is a copy of my first draft, and I would really appreciate it if anyone could give me some criticisms or advice on what I've done. Like I said, it IS my first time, so please be gentle!

I have reason to believe that Justin Bieber is a reincarnation of Hitler. It makes sense, because I'm pretty sure that if he had the physical ability to grow facial hair, Justin Bieber would have a proper dodgy moustache, they've both got dodgy side-swept fringes, and both are loved and hated in equal measure; I would say like marmite, but that's a ridiculous analogy, because, like most people, I think, I don't love OR hate marmite. To me it's more like a one night stand. I can live without it, sometimes I want more if I do have it, but it's only really good if there's toast involved. Also, going back to dodgy moustaches, why is it only ever referred to as 'a Hitler moustache'? Charlie Chaplin had the exact same moustache. Well, not the EXACT same moustache, they didn't meet up and say "you can have it Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I'll have it Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, and Sundays we'll both go clean-shaven."

I wouldn't be at all surprised if there is actually research being conducted into why this is. There's always pointless research happening. I heard the other day that psychologists have 'discovered' that a fear of spiders is derived from a repressed memory of watching your parents having sex. There's a number of reasons why this is bollocks. Number one, what connection is there? Well, the beast with two backs also has eight limbs. That's it. This implies that watching anyone have sex will cause a fear of spiders. Although a fear of porn is more likely. Second reason why this 'discovery' is rubbish - a fear of spiders is not due to your parents, its due to the fact that spiders are pure evil. They just sit there and watch you with their evil beady little eyes. Reason number three, I woke up in the middle of the night once and heard a noise, which I thought was the sound of my mum in pain. So I walked into my parents' bedroom, and my mum was there, and my dad was there... and I said "Are you OK mum, you sound like you're in pain?" For some reason my dad looked really embarrassed, but my mum just said "Um... yeah, I've just got a headache." By the way, if you haven't figured out what my parents were doing yet... lucky you. I hadn't figured out what they were doing, because I was only six. I did realise slightly later on though. But being six, my initial response to that was "Do you want me to get you some Calpol?" Because Calpol solves everything when you're six. And I will never forget what my mum said then. She said "No, that's OK, your Dad's sorting it out for me." And because I'll never forget that moment, and because I'm scared of spiders myself, it just proves that 'a repressed memory of seeing your parents have sex causes a fear of spiders' is bollocks.

What really annoys me is when people say 'They're more scared of you than you are of them.' Lies! I was moving some stuff around in my kitchen the other day, and I picked up a step ladder and a massive great big beast (with only one back) dropped down from wall onto the floor and looked straight at me. I naturally jumped back a bit, and then it started chasing me across my kitchen floor. I was running backwards, and still holding my step ladder - I looked like a wannabe lion tamer working their way up from smaller creatures. Luckily it ran under a cupboard and I haven't seen it since, but I'm pretty convinced that it's plotting a way to kill and eat me. Which is why it's still hanging out in my kitchen, because it knows that when it comes to eating people, its only really good if there's toast involved.

P.S. If you managed to get through all that, I'm not sure if I should thank you or congratulate you. But anything you've got to say is greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Charlotte

Moved to Critique.

Hi Charlotte,

I've had a quick scan through your routine and it's OK however, the joke set ups seem too long. I would suggest streamlining some of your thoughts using as little words as possible to get from the set up to the punchline.

A good tip I have learnt is to go through your 'script' with two markers (one colour for set up and another for the puchline) and then take out any words that aren't marked. (this should help you combat waffling which I am aware I am currently doing).

You could maybe add something in there about your mum saying she had a headache for example:

My mother told me that she just had a headache, which was believable as she's been using that excuse for years on my dad.

It's just a thought and I maybe talking rubbish but, the best advice you can get is to try it out on a live open mic night, if you think it's funny chances are somebody else will + it's difficult to critique written words as jokes because sometimes 'it's the way you tell em'!!!

Keep it up and keep us posted!

Jason.

Hi Charlotte,
I thought it was a nice enough bit of writing, in terms of humour and what not, but (just in my opinionated opinion) it seems a little light on punchlines.

I usually feel giving advice is only trying to make a person more like you, which is silly in terms of encouraging someone to use their own voice. But, when going for longer than ten or twenty seconds without a laugh prompt at open mic level seems like an hour of silence. Nobody you're peforming to really remembers your material so much at first, they just remember how often they laughed.

If I was to do an uninvited polish on your opener I would turn this bit:

Quote: Cheagle @ October 11 2011, 2:05 PM BST

I have reason to believe that Justin Bieber is a reincarnation of Hitler. It makes sense, because I'm pretty sure that if he had the physical ability to grow facial hair, Justin Bieber would have a proper dodgy moustache, they've both got dodgy side-swept fringes, and both are loved and hated in equal measure; I would say like marmite, but that's a ridiculous analogy, because, like most people, I think, I don't love OR hate marmite. To me it's more like a one night stand. I can live without it, sometimes I want more if I do have it, but it's only really good if there's toast involved. Also, going back to dodgy moustaches, why is it only ever referred to as 'a Hitler moustache'? Charlie Chaplin had the exact same moustache. Well, not the EXACT same moustache, they didn't meet up and say "you can have it Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I'll have it Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, and Sundays we'll both go clean-shaven."

View original

Into a leaner more streamlined form of:

"People are comparing Justin Bieber to Hitler. That's an insult to Hitler. At least The Fuhrer could grow facial hair... And he knew when it was time to kill himself... And his followers were less annoying. They say Bieber's like Marmite, I agree, a horrible little product packaged and labelled for mass consumption. Marmite also makes me want to vomit... Maybe it's time to parole Mark Chapman "Hey JB, would you just sign this?"

(I think the Chaplin/Hitler thing became pretty public domain after the Gervais nailed it.)

And so on throughout the material.

The editing side of things is really the difference between a titter and a laugh. People usually get into comedy because they're good with words and prose, but then realise words and prose bog down and dilute what could be an effectively simple idea.

The most important thing I think about writing stand up is reading a joke you've written and thinking; If I heard someone say that, would it make me laugh?

Thanks for the advice so far guys!

Quote: zooo @ October 11 2011, 2:08 PM BST

Moved to Critique.

View original

Not quite what I had in mind when I asked for criticisms...

I know that getting in front of an audience is the best way to test the material, but I'm so ridiculously nervous about it!

Also, I should of said before that I'm fully aware that it needs work. I was by no means expecting anyone to say it was the best they'd ever read. But like I said, it is the very first draft of anything I've written. Actually, the response I have had is a lot better than I was expecting, which was more along the lines of "What the hell is this rubbish?"

Good Luck. I liked the material and people given advise already so will avoid repeating.
I am still learning and go to every open mic, gig I can possibly go to. Not always to get up on stage sometimes to watch, chat to other comics and have gained some great advice from great bunch in ways to improve.

Get on up to an Open Mic night, and just do it. All The Best