Danny et al

Ok guys let me know what you think. I've essentially written the whole of the first episode, but keen to gauge interest/ideas - so here is the first couple of scenes...

Characters

The Jones Family:

DANNY - late 20's, one of life's triers, not content with the humdrum of village life. Lacks ambition and not perceptive.

BILL - mid 50's. Brash, ostentatious, and thinks he's the life and soul of the party, dreadful liar.

JANE - early 50's, beautifully preserved and always immaculately dressed. Sees the best in everyone.

INT. KITCHEN OF THE JONES HOUSEHOLD - NIGHT

A typical weekday night in the Jones household. JANE is in the kitchen preparing dinner. BILL is in the living room watching TV. As usual he has his over-the-top double breasted jacket on with illuminating gold buttons and handkerchief in his blazer pocket. DANNY is also in the living room, slumped on the couch - another sorry day of not being productive and nothing achieved.

JANE
Dinner's ready.

DANNY
(mutters)
About bloody time.

DANNY and BILL glance at each other and smile.

JANE
What's that?

DANNY
Right on time.

BILL approaches the kitchen table and necks a glass of wine. He clears his throat LOUDLY afterwards. DANNY goes to the fridge.

DANNY (cont'd)
Anybody want anything?

BILL
Um yeah, grab us a beer son.

JANE
I've just poured you a glass of wine.

BILL
Where? No you haven't.

JANE
I'm sure I...

BILL
Doesn't matter. I can see your poured yourself one though.

JANE
(smiling)
This is getting heavy.

JANE is holding the dinner plate above her head. DANNY is fumbling around in the fridge.

BILL
(shouts)
Danny. Beer.

DANNY
Alright, alright.

DANNY sits down at the table and they begin their dinner.

INT. KITCHEN - LATER ON

BILL picks up his wine glass, brings it under his nose and inhales dramatically. He takes a sip and swirls it in his mouth for longer than is necessary. Instead of spitting it out he just knocks it back. Trying to remember what he saw on a recent documentary.

JANE
What on earth are you doing?

BILL
Did you hear any of that documentary we just had on?

JANE
No, I had pots and pans and things bubbling away in here. But if it's anything to do with how they make
tin cans or get little boats in bottles I'll pass.

DANNY
Is that because you've taped them all Mum?

JANE
(smiling)
Perhaps I should series link the one called "How to get your nearly 30 year old son a job?"

BILL
(referring to the wine)
I don't think we've had this one before?

JANE
Well, actua-

BILL
(interrupting)
I'm getting vanilla....strawberries... it's oaky..

Now taking a moment to think

BILL (cont'd)
Probably something from South America? Perhaps, a Malbec?

JANE
(proud)
Oh, my husband the wine connoisseur.

DANNY
I tell you what I did watch Dad that you'll find interesting.

BILL
Oh yeah, something about the art of war in 21st century? Or famous artists of the Renaissance era?

DANNY
Not quite. It was called "You don't know your arse from your elbow when it comes to Wine!"

Beat.

BILL realising that he has been rumbled by his son

BILL
Enjoy that beer because it's going to be your last under my roof. Now, where are we on the job front KIDDO?

DANNY
Kiddo? Whose says that nowadays?

BILL Getting his own back

BILL
I do, the owner of the house where your living rent free.

DANNY
Steady on. I've got the interview at 10am.

BILL
I hope you get your arse out of bed this time.

JANE
What's this?

BILL
Your precious son here missed his last interview because he was wallowing in his pit.

DANNY
Oh I was so ill Dad.

BILL
You seemed to be ok up the pub the night before if I remember correctly.

DANNY
Yeah but...

BILL
But but but. Just get up tomorrow - KIDDO.

£10 says you live with your mum and dad and this is based around that.

I hasten to add that there's nothing wrong with that, I'm a big fan of "write what you know" but there's no comedy in this, the most vanilla of family interactions. Funny things that your parents do is quite subjective, you need to make sure it would be funny to a total stranger. I guess you can argue the Royale Family card (personally I detest the Royal Family so bear that in mind when thinking about this!)

I'd ask you to read your opening "preface" paragraph...ask yourself honestly if this is something you would actually be interested in watching...

I thought it was a pleasant read.
But, Comedyoflife says exactly what I thought as I read it.

Thanks for your comments, appreciate all feedback. Sorry to disappoint but I do not live my parents.

I suppose what I need to get my head around is that this is the opening of a new sitcom, first episode and I am trying to lay the foundations. What I have posted is only 3-5 minutes of screentime.

Using your example of the Royal Family I don't think there is a joke or funny situation in the first 10 minutes, again I appreciate this is subjective.

Do you think the better approach is to knock joke after joke out....or take the more considered approach?

Thanks.

Quote: Razzatron @ October 11 2011, 4:21 PM BST

Sorry to disappoint but I do not live my parents.

View original

Don't be sorry, you just won £10!

I think it's a fine establishing shot. Mild family banter. But there's no laugh out loud lines (In this very short excert)

But really it depends on how you view the world as that affects your comedy.

That's why opinions are so helpful yet ultimately meaningless.

For example... I would end this scene with the Dad screaming "I'm In Hell! I Could've Seen The World, I Could've been anything I Wanted To!!" Then pulling out a shotgun, putting the barrell in his own mouth and pulling the trigger.

And that would make me laugh. Because that's my take on "Domesticism". I'm very certain this isn't the route you're going to take, and that's what I'm not too qualified to offer anymore on it.

Nicely written though. Just not hilarious.

Firstly I owe you £10 then!

I get what you're trying to set up here, a guy too old to live with his parents and his hunt to get a job/life, relinquish the shackles and all that. To be fair it's a common occurance around the UK and worth exploring...

Have a think about how realistic the dialogue actually is - are these conversations people actually have? What the Royale Family is an excellent example of (although I don't like it stylistically) is nuanced observation about the normal. They very skillfully turned a very normal interaction towards farce - whilst still having a plot.

For instance is there a better way you can show the viewer that the dad is no wine buff? For me a fine gag would be for the man to go through all of the motions of tasting only to proudly conclude that it's a Red wine. (i'll sell you that gag for £10, so we're back to even)

Fair play, we're even. I like the wine gag...