Park Bench
Thursday 6th October 2011 5:17pm
Crewe
310 posts
Poet Laureate Carol Anne Duffy says she is still waiting on a pair of football boots promised to her by David Beckham, after she wrote a poem about him in 2010. David has asserted he will keep his promise, as agreed, once he finishes reading the poem.
The Bank of England has announced that the new style £50 note will be introduced on the 2nd November. The note will feature a range of enhanced security features. The main one being it is practically worthless.
The minimum wage for adults has been increased by 15p to £6.08, or in today's terms, the equivalent of 3 plastic carrier bags.
The Chinese space programme was dealt a devastating blow last week during its first unmanned rocket launch, when at a height of 20,000 feet, the rocket failed to explode and deliver a much-anticipated shower of multi-coloured sparks.
For the first time, English judges have been asked to rule on 'the right to die' of a patient not in a permanent vegetative state. A judiciary spokesman commented 'whilst the smallest hope of recovery remained, we felt the Lib-Dem manifesto deserved the chance to live.'
Publication of Boris Johnson's biography has revealed that weekly meetings with parliamentary staff to generate ideas for his newspaper column had descended into a game of 'suggesting career shortening themes'. Unfortunately, everyone neglected to tell Mr Johnson.
A Glaswegian grandmother awoke from a stroke finding she had developed 'Foreign Accent Syndrome'. After 3 days of observation by a professor of rare dialects, it was discovered she was actually talking Scottish.
Mathematician's favourite Carol Vorderman has revealed that since being single for the first time in 30 years she is having the time of her life. So much so, she can turn up at 12.30 everyday to talk about inoffensive tat on 'Loose Women', with other 'extremely busy' celebrities who are also 'having the time of their lives'. Just not at lunchtimes...
Investigators are cracking down on the multi-million pound trade in fake and useless medicines. It is not yet clear whether cough and cold remedies will be targeted first.
Home Secretary, Theresa May, has told the Sunday Telegraph that she would like to see the Human Rights Act scrapped. The amount of red tape it generates for the Home Office, makes everyday tasks almost impossible. Such as fingernail removal, waterboarding and beating with a blunt instrument.
BT suffered a power failure at a major exchange in Birmingham this week, bringing their broadband service to a standstill. The majority of their customers didn't notice any change in the service provided, and a small percentage noted an improvement.
The UK has pledged £50M towards spin-off technologies of the super strong material 'Graphene'. Its inventors say it has many practical uses but even it may struggle to strengthen Lib-Dem election promises, the global economy or confidence in anything said by Eric Pickles.
Art collectors were set to bid up to £60,000 for a canvas, thought to be the work of Bob Law, which was completely blank except for the date. The item was later withdrawn from sale, after it was discovered that it was actually a page from the Home Secretary's missing diary.
And finally, a welcome message I sent in last week...
Hello, I'm Justin Edwards and welcome to Newsjack on BBC Radio 4 Extra. If Radio 4 is a three-course gourmet meal, then 4 extra is a greasy quarter pounder with double gherkin, no cheese and a sarcastic 'sorry about your wait' after taste.
Guess I need to try even harder.