Ed Miliband To Undergo Surgery to Become Electable
The Labour leader has long fought off accusations that his nerdish appearance would hinder his chances of winning the next election. Mr. Miliband often argued with his advisors that voters cared about issues and not the attractiveness of the candidates. Following his key note speech at the parties national conference, however, Mr. Miliband was said to be distraught that his speech of "We sucked last year but this year we're totally wicked yeah," did not go down well with the electorate and his polices of saying stuff that sound good but probably won't happen was said to be a failure. Sources close to the opposition leader say he was "inconsolable," and that there is nothing sadder than, "geek tears."
It is expected that he will jet out to the same hospital that performed Dallas Weins surgery in 2010. Following a shocking accident while painting a church in 2008 Mr. Wein lost the majority of his face but the talented doctors of the Brigham and Women's Hospital of Boston were able to successfully craft the face Ppgues singer Shane McGowan crafted on his face.
This is not the first time an aspiring Prime Minister has used surgery to improve his chances. After watching Tim Burtons Batman, and seeing the ease in which Jack Nicholson Joker was able to trick people in to believing he was trust worthy Tony Blair had the width of his smile increased by 300%.. The current Prime Minister David Cameron considered the option but instead opted to study body language at the famous Heads Forward Academy in Amsterdam. The instruction is run by Dr. Bull Van Citt, "Our purpose is to help men unnecessary and often dangerous surgery. Lets be blunt, voters hate fatties, people hate fatties and fatties hate fatties. The suit hides the gut, the face can be forgiven but the question is, what do we do about the chins? If you look at Facebook profiles of fatties they are always weirdly posed, they are hiding the chins but doing it in an obvious, clumsy way. We aim to make this natural. We have an intensive six month program that teach fatties which way to lean their heads and position their bodies so that the chin is so well hidden it as if it was never there."
Neither of these examples, nor the removal of Gordon Brown's, "F**k the Ingerlish," tattoo are as serve as Millibands purposed surgery. In fact, this is said to be the most in depth Prime Ministerial surgery since a young Margaret Thatcher had her testicles implanted. The surgery is said to target Millibands chin, nose and eyes. They are also planning to fix that voice thing he has. We have managed to secure a photograph of what the ideal outcome of the procedure will look like.
Before
http://www.whitebunnywabbit.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/ed-miliband1.jpg
After
http://www.ukgaynews.org.uk/images/Politicians/David_Miliband.jpg
A Labour source said that once these changes are made then we can really begin our election strategy.