*LONG POST ALERT!*
Quote: sootyj @ September 29 2011, 5:15 PM BST
So Labours planning to cap tuition fees when they're next in power? If Milliband saves a pound a day he'll have more than enough by then to pay for it.
Very good. Soots (and groovydude89) -- a lot of yours sound like the newsreader kind of thing (like The Two Ronnies used to do. It's not quite right for Newsjack and I think you need to reword them so they sound more like opinions. In my opinion, obviously.
Quote: Park Bench @ September 29 2011, 6:15 PM BST
Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, warns of 'long, hard road'? That would be preferable to the potholed, shale covered sago pudding that we currently have to drive on.
There is a good idea here trying to break out into a decent joke. Needs rewording though.
Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ September 29 2011, 6:18 PM BST
I see virtual monkeys are close to writing all of Shakespeare's works by mashing on virtual keys; I don't know how they find the time when they're also writing Ed Milliband's speeches, oh no, sorry, that's buffoons, not virtual baboons.
I hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned three life-size bronze statues of himself; apparently, Austrian police are anticipating a 300% increase in reports of bottom groping.
(WELSH FARMER) I was the one who told Rihanna to cover up in my field, thing is she misunderstood me, I meant she should cover up that impressive forehead of hers. Could've been the worst case of sunburn!
So, Sarkozy wooed Carla Bruni with his green fingers, there was me thinking it was his Napoleon complex!
First one good. Doesn't need the end line.
Arnie line great.
WELSH FARMER: Ideal idea for a JackApp, but justice not done to it!
Sarkozy line funny.
Quote: Ishy @ September 29 2011, 6:41 PM BST
FOR JUSTIN
US computer programmer Jesse Anderson has set about trying to create the entire works of Shakespeare using over a million virtual monkeys. He was only able to start the project after the monkeys had completed the last of their recent, high profile government IT projects.
UPSET MAN
My wife's just left me. She said the only thing keeping us together was the reassuring, universal constant of the speed of light.
ANGRY MAN
When the bank of England prints money no-one bats and eyelid. When I do it, I get arrested.
CORRECTION STINGS
Mistakes are like having sex with a goat. That's it really. Come on. I said it was a mistake.
First one effectively same as Corey's above, but solid nonetheless.
Like the others lots, especially the last one.
Quote: Big Jack @ September 29 2011, 7:37 PM BST
(4)The world's largest naan bread, measuring 6 metres across, has been created in a village in China. About an hour after eating it residents complained that they were "still a bit hungry".
(5) 
Nerdy scientist: "This week in my lab I have researched the mating habits of zebrafish and discovered that the smaller weedy males of the species have a higher chance of securing a mate. Also this week I have bought a new stripy jacket."
(4) very good, (5) very almost there but just missing something.
Quote: Frantically @ September 29 2011, 7:51 PM BST
CALLER:How can people say young kids fighting in cages isn't dangerous? What if they escape?
As Badge said, good. Main problem is that wasn't it a 'last week' story?
Quote: StephenM @ September 30 2011, 1:17 AM BST
I've been playing the new Euro edition of Monopoly for ten days now. How do you win if no-one can go bankrupt?
Clever, but needs rewording.
Quote: Badge @ September 30 2011, 1:20 AM BST
APP:
No wonder that woman was jailed for going the wrong way on the M5. She was heading towards Weston-Super-Mare.
APP:
Sure I'm going to read Katie Price's new magazine... in the same way that she wrote it.
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to 70-year-old Geraldine Lynton-Edwards. It's nothing we've said, just that she's married Michael Winner and deserves our sympathy.
CORRECTION:
When we referred to English youth appearing confused and disoriented around Germans we were talking about the mystery boy discovered in Berlin, and not England's world cup footballers last year.
APP:
If Standard and Poors are so good at judging a country's credit status, why does their name mean "average" and "rubbish"?
FRENCHPERSON:
They're all going mad about the neutrino travelling back in time through a tunnel, but this is nothing new if you have caught the Eurostar to England. Pah! The food, the fashion, sacre bleu, mon dieu, (ad lib ad finitum).
APP:
That teacher who was struck off for stealing Facebook pics of someone else's baby would never get caught now. You can't find anything you want since they changed the settings.
APP:
I think it's wrong Texas has stopped giving death row prisoners a special last meal just because one of 'em didn't eat his. Maybe he ordered it "to go"?
All very good. Even Badge's I didn't pick out are excellent examples of how concise they should be.
Quote: radiat10n @ September 30 2011, 9:45 AM BST
Man:Amazon's super-speedy trouser delivery service really is faster than light - I haven't ordered yet, but I've already received my new chinos!
Woman
o Ed Milliband thinks we're all out to make 'fast bucks'. No wonder the economy collapsed under Labour - they don't even know what currency we use!
- Apparently drinking coffee can make you less depressed. I tried it and I'll tell you this - it doesn't work for people who hate coffee.
Justin:Mistakes are like lawyers - even when they appear to be honest, they can end up costing you in the long run. At Newsjack we're always quick to admit to errors, so here are some corrections:
We were wrong to state that pop star Rihanna had exposed a cover-up at a farm in Bangor. She had exposed something else entirely.
Like. The drinking coffee one was used.
Mine below:
APP:
This VAT cut idea is just Balls.
APP:
Blue Peter is moving to Salford? Oh. Well, good luck to him and all the other Smurfs.
APP:
If an infinite number of Shakespeares ate an infinite number of bananas, would they eventually start throwing faeces at each other?
APP:
I agree with Sir Alex Ferguson: the TV does have too much power. Once a week I have to change the fuse.
WOMAN:
Well, I had a four kilometre veil at my wedding. That's what I told everyone anyway. (WHISPERS) I never admitted it was toilet paper trapped in my knickers.
POSH:
I don't think it's remotely fair that two-thirds of Conrad Murray's trial jury are Michael Jackson fans. They've undoubtedly already judged the murderous, conniving, cretinous pseudo-doctor.
INCREDULOUS:
So, Amazon are selling tablets, Waterstones want to sell a tablet. Whatever next? Boots selling tablets?
WOMAN:
I can tell you it's not coffee that prevents depression. Bloody happiness is what's preventing depression.
CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for last week's story about the baby who was born on a plane with no nationality. We of course meant he was born *at* 50,000 feet, not *with* 50,000 feet. Apologies to all millipedes who will, of course, be reinstated as the official record holders.
Dan
pinions are like earlobes - if you only have one, you probably belong to the EDL. Newsjack continues to tap into what the public is thinking, via the Jackapp...