NewsJack Series 5 one liner rejects - unification Page 7

Take out the [LOUD BANG] and that's 160 characters so perhaps not far off.

Here's my short and sassy offerings:

Time Travel intro:
L.P. Hartley once wrote 'The past is a foreign country'. But if that is the case why does Richard Littlejohn like it so much?

Apps:
Dr. Peter Carter wants us to help nurses care for elderly relatives. What, even the poor ones?

BAE axing 3,000 jobs? Disgraceful! A hi-tech weapons manufacturer shouldn't be axing jobs. It should be laser-sighted ray-gunning them.

I've been playing the new Euro edition of Monopoly for ten days now. How do you win if no-one can go bankrupt?

(I'd like to apologise in advance for this one)
I can't understand the opposition to Palestine joining the UN. Surely Jewish people know what it's like not to have full member status.

Here are the pick of my unsuccessful lines so far this series, for what it's worth.

Week 1:

CORRECTION:
Contrary to our report, scientists believing they may have discovered dark matter had not just wandered into the toilet the morning after a Guinness-based pub crawl.

APP:
No wonder that woman was jailed for going the wrong way on the M5. She was heading towards Weston-Super-Mare.

APP:
Sure I'm going to read Katie Price's new magazine... in the same way that she wrote it.

APP:
Okay, so David Walliams might have been swimming against a tide of filth for the past week, but where was he when they launched Channel 4?

Week 2:

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to 70-year-old Geraldine Lynton-Edwards. It's nothing we've said, just that she's married Michael Winner and deserves our sympathy.

CORRECTION:
When we referred to English youth appearing confused and disoriented around Germans we were talking about the mystery boy discovered in Berlin, and not England's world cup footballers last year.

CORRECTION:
In reporting Andy Murray's comments about a possible tennis players' strike we shouldn't have said that he usually goes on strike against Nadal. It's usually against Nadal, Federer and Djokovic.

APP:
If Standard and Poors are so good at judging a country's credit status, why does their name mean "average" and "rubbish"?

Week 3:

APP:
I don't mind if Scotland gets its own "dot Scot" internet domain but I hope they don't allow the same thing for Cumbria.

FRENCHPERSON:
They're all going mad about the neutrino travelling back in time through a tunnel, but this is nothing new if you have caught the Eurostar to England. Pah! The food, the fashion, sacre bleu, mon dieu, (ad lib ad finitum).

APP:
That teacher who was struck off for stealing Facebook pics of someone else's baby would never get caught now. You can't find anything you want since they changed the settings.

APP:
I think it's wrong Texas has stopped giving death row prisoners a special last meal just because one of 'em didn't eat his. Maybe he ordered it "to go"?

Naughty:

Quote: Badge @ September 30 2011, 1:20 AM BST

APP:
I don't mind if Scotland gets its own "dot Scot" internet domain but I hope they don't allow the same thing for Cumbria.

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Nice:

Quote: Badge @ September 30 2011, 1:20 AM BST

APP:
That teacher who was struck off for stealing Facebook pics of someone else's baby would never get caught now. You can't find anything you want since they changed the settings.

View original

Quote: StephenM @ September 30 2011, 1:17 AM BST

Apps:
Dr. Peter Carter wants us to help nurses care for elderly relatives. What, even the poor ones?

BAE axing 3,000 jobs? Disgraceful! A hi-tech weapons manufacturer shouldn't be axing jobs. It should be laser-sighted ray-gunning them.

I've been playing the new Euro edition of Monopoly for ten days now. How do you win if no-one can go bankrupt?

(I'd like to apologise in advance for this one)
I can't understand the opposition to Palestine joining the UN. Surely Jewish people know what it's like not to have full member status.

View original

Surely one of these should have got on?!? They're all great, particularly like the nurses and, yes, the Jewish one

here are mine for the week (including the one that got on...how did it get on, when it's as funny as a brick in the face, I hear you ask? Beats me!)

Jack-apps:

Justinpinions are like earlobes - if you only have one, you probably belong to the EDL. Newsjack continues to tap into what the public is thinking, via the Jackapp...

Man:Amazon's super-speedy trouser delivery service really is faster than light - I haven't ordered yet, but I've already received my new chinos!

Womano Ed Milliband thinks we're all out to make 'fast bucks'. No wonder the economy collapsed under Labour - they don't even know what currency we use!

- Apparently drinking coffee can make you less depressed. I tried it and I'll tell you this - it doesn't work for people who hate coffee.

Headlines:

Justin:Rock band REM have split, with singer Michael Stipe set to join ex-drummer Bill Berry on his farm. When asked why, Stipe simply stated, 'Everybody herds sometime'.

- Following REM's split, singer Michael Stipe is to break into adult entertainment. Previewing clips from his first film he confirmed, 'That's me in the porno'.

-Several million virtual monkeys are being used to recreate the complete works of Shakespeare. In related news three hyenas have already managed to recreate Celine Dion's entire back-catalogue.

Corrections:

Justin:Mistakes are like lawyers - even when they appear to be honest, they can end up costing you in the long run. At Newsjack we're always quick to admit to errors, so here are some corrections:

It is not the case that the schoolteacher let go for bringing her school into disrepute did so by emailing her ex-boyfriend photos of empty rooms as proof that he had fathered a vampire baby.

We were wrong to state that pop star Rihanna had exposed a cover-up at a farm in Bangor. She had exposed something else entirely.

*LONG POST ALERT!*

Quote: sootyj @ September 29 2011, 5:15 PM BST

So Labours planning to cap tuition fees when they're next in power? If Milliband saves a pound a day he'll have more than enough by then to pay for it.

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Very good. Soots (and groovydude89) -- a lot of yours sound like the newsreader kind of thing (like The Two Ronnies used to do. It's not quite right for Newsjack and I think you need to reword them so they sound more like opinions. In my opinion, obviously.

Quote: Park Bench @ September 29 2011, 6:15 PM BST

Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, warns of 'long, hard road'? That would be preferable to the potholed, shale covered sago pudding that we currently have to drive on.

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There is a good idea here trying to break out into a decent joke. Needs rewording though.

Quote: Corey O'Graffor @ September 29 2011, 6:18 PM BST

I see virtual monkeys are close to writing all of Shakespeare's works by mashing on virtual keys; I don't know how they find the time when they're also writing Ed Milliband's speeches, oh no, sorry, that's buffoons, not virtual baboons.

I hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned three life-size bronze statues of himself; apparently, Austrian police are anticipating a 300% increase in reports of bottom groping.

(WELSH FARMER) I was the one who told Rihanna to cover up in my field, thing is she misunderstood me, I meant she should cover up that impressive forehead of hers. Could've been the worst case of sunburn!

So, Sarkozy wooed Carla Bruni with his green fingers, there was me thinking it was his Napoleon complex!

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First one good. Doesn't need the end line.

Arnie line great.

WELSH FARMER: Ideal idea for a JackApp, but justice not done to it!

Sarkozy line funny.

Quote: Ishy @ September 29 2011, 6:41 PM BST

FOR JUSTIN
US computer programmer Jesse Anderson has set about trying to create the entire works of Shakespeare using over a million virtual monkeys. He was only able to start the project after the monkeys had completed the last of their recent, high profile government IT projects.

UPSET MAN
My wife's just left me. She said the only thing keeping us together was the reassuring, universal constant of the speed of light.

ANGRY MAN
When the bank of England prints money no-one bats and eyelid. When I do it, I get arrested.

CORRECTION STINGS
Mistakes are like having sex with a goat. That's it really. Come on. I said it was a mistake.

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First one effectively same as Corey's above, but solid nonetheless.

Like the others lots, especially the last one.

Quote: Big Jack @ September 29 2011, 7:37 PM BST

(4)The world's largest naan bread, measuring 6 metres across, has been created in a village in China. About an hour after eating it residents complained that they were "still a bit hungry".

(5) Nerdy scientist: "This week in my lab I have researched the mating habits of zebrafish and discovered that the smaller weedy males of the species have a higher chance of securing a mate. Also this week I have bought a new stripy jacket."

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(4) very good, (5) very almost there but just missing something.

Quote: Frantically @ September 29 2011, 7:51 PM BST

CALLER:How can people say young kids fighting in cages isn't dangerous? What if they escape?

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As Badge said, good. Main problem is that wasn't it a 'last week' story?

Quote: StephenM @ September 30 2011, 1:17 AM BST

I've been playing the new Euro edition of Monopoly for ten days now. How do you win if no-one can go bankrupt?

View original

Clever, but needs rewording.

Quote: Badge @ September 30 2011, 1:20 AM BST

APP:
No wonder that woman was jailed for going the wrong way on the M5. She was heading towards Weston-Super-Mare.

APP:
Sure I'm going to read Katie Price's new magazine... in the same way that she wrote it.

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise to 70-year-old Geraldine Lynton-Edwards. It's nothing we've said, just that she's married Michael Winner and deserves our sympathy.

CORRECTION:
When we referred to English youth appearing confused and disoriented around Germans we were talking about the mystery boy discovered in Berlin, and not England's world cup footballers last year.

APP:
If Standard and Poors are so good at judging a country's credit status, why does their name mean "average" and "rubbish"?

FRENCHPERSON:
They're all going mad about the neutrino travelling back in time through a tunnel, but this is nothing new if you have caught the Eurostar to England. Pah! The food, the fashion, sacre bleu, mon dieu, (ad lib ad finitum).

APP:
That teacher who was struck off for stealing Facebook pics of someone else's baby would never get caught now. You can't find anything you want since they changed the settings.

APP:
I think it's wrong Texas has stopped giving death row prisoners a special last meal just because one of 'em didn't eat his. Maybe he ordered it "to go"?

View original

All very good. Even Badge's I didn't pick out are excellent examples of how concise they should be.

Quote: radiat10n @ September 30 2011, 9:45 AM BST

Man:Amazon's super-speedy trouser delivery service really is faster than light - I haven't ordered yet, but I've already received my new chinos!

Womano Ed Milliband thinks we're all out to make 'fast bucks'. No wonder the economy collapsed under Labour - they don't even know what currency we use!

- Apparently drinking coffee can make you less depressed. I tried it and I'll tell you this - it doesn't work for people who hate coffee.

Justin:Mistakes are like lawyers - even when they appear to be honest, they can end up costing you in the long run. At Newsjack we're always quick to admit to errors, so here are some corrections:

We were wrong to state that pop star Rihanna had exposed a cover-up at a farm in Bangor. She had exposed something else entirely.

View original

Like. The drinking coffee one was used.

Mine below:

APP:
This VAT cut idea is just Balls.

APP:
Blue Peter is moving to Salford? Oh. Well, good luck to him and all the other Smurfs.

APP:
If an infinite number of Shakespeares ate an infinite number of bananas, would they eventually start throwing faeces at each other?

APP:
I agree with Sir Alex Ferguson: the TV does have too much power. Once a week I have to change the fuse.

WOMAN:
Well, I had a four kilometre veil at my wedding. That's what I told everyone anyway. (WHISPERS) I never admitted it was toilet paper trapped in my knickers.

POSH:
I don't think it's remotely fair that two-thirds of Conrad Murray's trial jury are Michael Jackson fans. They've undoubtedly already judged the murderous, conniving, cretinous pseudo-doctor.

INCREDULOUS:
So, Amazon are selling tablets, Waterstones want to sell a tablet. Whatever next? Boots selling tablets?

WOMAN:
I can tell you it's not coffee that prevents depression. Bloody happiness is what's preventing depression.

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for last week's story about the baby who was born on a plane with no nationality. We of course meant he was born *at* 50,000 feet, not *with* 50,000 feet. Apologies to all millipedes who will, of course, be reinstated as the official record holders.

Dan

Quote: Kevin Mears @ September 29 2011, 6:42 PM BST

* When I heard that Amazon had called its new Kindle "the Fire", I was surprised. Usually when you hear the words, "Amazon" and "Fire", you hear about "an area the size of Wales" afterwards.

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Liked

Quote: Frantically @ September 29 2011, 7:51 PM BST

CALLER:How can people say young kids fighting in cages isn't dangerous? What if they escape?

View original

Quote: StephenM @ September 30 2011, 1:17 AM BST

BAE axing 3,000 jobs? Disgraceful! A hi-tech weapons manufacturer shouldn't be axing jobs. It should be laser-sighted ray-gunning them.

View original

Quote: Badge @ September 30 2011, 1:20 AM BST

I think it's wrong Texas has stopped giving death row prisoners a special last meal just because one of 'em didn't eat his. Maybe he ordered it "to go"?

View original

A paltry three efforts from me:

After one of their satellites crashed into the Pacific Ocean, NASA face a potentially damaging lawsuit from an injured mermaid.

I had about half a Gregg's pasty, it was the first thing I've ate in three days. Next thing you know, there's a voice telling me to piss off. It was the ruddy bin.

Nice one Blue Peter for having it in Salford man, looking forward to their new presenter, local man made good... Frank Gallagher.

My pick of the ones that didn't make it:-

"I can't understand the opposition to Palestine joining the UN. Surely Jewish people know what it's like not to have full member status."

Might have been seen as a bit risque, but it's a billiantly-formed joke.

"Blue Peter cats Cookie and Socks, have been put into semi-retirement, with their only scheduled appearance being a special episode in December... which kind of undermines the message; that pets are not just for Christmas!"

"The world's largest naan bread, measuring 6 metres across, has been created in a village in China. About an hour after eating it residents complained that they were "still a bit hungry".

"BAE axing 3,000 jobs? Disgraceful! A hi-tech weapons manufacturer shouldn't be axing jobs. It should be laser-sighted ray-gunning them."

"Sure I'm going to read Katie Price's new magazine... in the same way that she wrote it."

"I don't mind if Scotland gets its own "dot Scot" internet domain but I hope they don't allow the same thing for Cumbria."

"Rock band REM have split, with singer Michael Stipe set to join ex-drummer Bill Berry on his farm. When asked why, Stipe simply stated, 'Everybody herds sometime'."

"Blue Peter is moving to Salford? Oh. Well, good luck to him and all the other Smurfs."

And Humberfloob - yours benefitted from the edit, but it was a good joke and deserved to be in.

One thing I've noticed - as has been pointed out I do seem to be using very old stories. Half of the ones I've picked out for next week's show have been done already and better and been rejected. Probably my slow broadband connection to the BBC News site.

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ September 30 2011, 12:05 PM BST

I had about half a Gregg's pasty, it was the first thing I've ate in three days. Next thing you know, there's a voice telling me to piss off. It was the ruddy bin.

View original

This one made me laugh.

And just looking at comments on my one-liners (and, let's be honest, I do want it to be all about me) it really is a case that one man's meat is another man's poison.

I think 4 different people liked 4 different ones. So there's probably no magic formula to writing a 'good' one.

But hey at least we can enjoy all the good ones that NJ so callously rejected.

The jewish state one is very funny.

Here are mine, probably too obvious, though I do like my correction, mainly because it's stupid.

WOMAN:I tried getting on the jury for the Michael Jackson murder trial but was told to beat it.

MANaudi women might be able to vote but I don't think it's chauvinistic to say they still can't drive.

MAN:I also tried getting on the jury for the Michael Jackson murder trial but was not allowed because of my conviction for being a smooth criminal.

WOMANo what if these virtual monkeys have written a play by Shakespeare, it's just much ado about nothing.

CORRECTION #1:The shipwreck found with the £150 million worth of silver treasure was the SS Gairsoppa, sunk by a German U-boat, not as we reported; a pirate arrrrhhh boat.

Here is a selection of my one-liner failures from last week:

General one liners:

JUSTIN:
King Abdallah of Saudi Arabia has recently announced that women in Saudi Arabia will be given the right to vote. For many years Saudi women have suffered the indignity of being unable to have their say in elections whilst at the same time forced to wear costumes which resemble ballot boxes.

JUSTIN:
Blue Peter has this week has broadcast its first episode from their new Salford studios in Greater Manchester. Blue Peter producers have said that we will not see any changes to the programme, however the Blue Peter dog is now a whippet and the Blue Peter garden will feature a pigeon coop.

Jackapp:

JACKAPP CONTRIBUTOR:
So these Neutrinos, received in Italy seem to have broken the laws of physics by travelling faster than the speed of light. Say what you want about Mussolini, at least he made the neutrinos run on time.

Corrections:

ANNOUNCER:
Last week, in response to the shadow chancellor's comments, we suggested that tax breaks would be given to those who had vasectomies. We should have said that Balls urged tax-cuts, not taxes urged ball cuts.

And finally:

ANNOUNCER:
This episode was first broadcast in September 2011, the week in which it was announced that women in the, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia were first granted the vote. The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is now known as the Feminist Sisterhood of Saudi Arabia.

Quote: 404 Not Found @ October 2 2011, 9:54 PM BST

JACKAPP CONTRIBUTOR:
So these Neutrinos, received in Italy seem to have broken the laws of physics by travelling faster than the speed of light. Say what you want about Mussolini, at least he made the neutrinos run on time.

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Agree. Excellent. Also liked the Ball/tax cuts.

Dan

Lots of good rejects this week.

Quote: StephenM @ September 30 2011, 12:37 AM BST

And can I just say the Rihanna farmer was from Northern Ireland! Don't take away my country's one chance of fame (well that and the Tevez for Limavady story)

(WELSH FARMER) I was the one who told Rihanna to cover up in my field, thing is she misunderstood me, I meant she should cover up that impressive forehead of hers. Could've been the worst case of sunburn!

View original

Tricked by Bangor!

Since I already know that these weren't recorded for ep 4, here are this week's rejects...

INTRO:
Denmark have just introduced a tax on unhealthy foods. If the UK government introduce the same tax, at least one member of the Conservative Party is calling for Pickles to be exempt.

INTRO:
The Metropolitan police's cyber-crime unit has just saved the UK economy £140 million, which coincidentally is exactly how much they're going to send to that Nigerian General in order to get him to transfer that money he promised them.

APP:
Denmark's plan to introduce a tax on fatty foods is a terrible idea, some really obese people might have a heart attack when they open their tax bill.

APP:
Everyone's been raving about that thing on the telly with all the dinosaurs. I didn't see what all the fuss was about, it was just like any other Tory Party Conference.

APP:
The new 80mph speed limit proves that this experiment with average speed cameras hasn't worked, it's time to start using the pretty good speed cameras.

APP:
I can't believe the rate of inflation at the moment, even the speed limit is going up to 80. If this continues it'll soon be legal to drive faster than the speed of light.

APP:
Life on Mars is to be remade for Russian TV, with the action set in cold-war era communist Moscow. Sounds really bleak. They could still film it in Manchester, though..

APP:
Life on Mars is to be remade for Russian TV, with the main protagonist transferring from Manchester to some Godforsaken Hellhole. Carlos Tevez will be acting as a consultant.

APP:
It's a disaster that we might lose ownership of Greenwich Meantime to the bloody French! If they have total control over time, one can only imagine how bloody long they'll take for lunch.

BRIAN COX:
The largest astronomical telescope ever built has just started operation in Chile, and with it we'll be able to look deep into the past to see the beginnings of the Universe, how the first galaxies were formed, and Brucie's first performance at the Theatre Royal, Bilston.

CORRECTION:
After reporting that the government are to raise the speed limit in order to bring people that break it back within the law, Newsjack would like to apologise for saying that looting would also be legalised for people who steal plasma TV's smaller than 36 inches.

---

When I was writing the Brian Cox one, I was saying it aloud in his voice, but after a while I realised that I don't do an impersonation of Brian Cox, I do Jeremy Hardy impersonating Brian Cox...