My first attempt... Page 2

Quote: don rushmore @ September 28 2011, 12:00 PM BST

A mentality held by many greenhorns, but the industry doesn't work like that. First, you need to build up a reputation, pay your dues, etc. If that means writing for shows you don't rate, then so be it.

Good luck however, in your quest to 'beat the system'. (Might wanna sort your formatting out first, though.)

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Thanks for the advice. Obviously I'd jump at the chance to do 99% of comedy writing (not that I think I'm currently capable) but I just really dislike Miranda.

I've been thinking all day today about all the previous posts, and think I've got a way re-write it in a way that I believe is in line with your advice, whilst maintaining my original idea.

Quote: comedyoflife @ September 28 2011, 3:22 PM BST

there's nothing interesting about this script. It's pretty much just five teenagers sat in a circle wanking and farting.

Play fifa, have a shower, have a wank, all to the drab background of incredibly boring lad cliches just isn't anything near plot. You're not doing anything interesting or clever with the "gay/racism" stuff either, which just makes it offensive both comedically and socially.

Think about how well The Office handeled Gareth & the cliche of the black cock being massive, that's intelligent & very funny writing.

the initial premise was interesting, the fact that there was zero evidence of that premise being executed in the script is a shame.

I'm not being harsh, besides the premise and the fact that you're actually out there writing, I really don't see many positives....but it's your first time and all that. Reading my first stuff makes me die inside now!

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Thanks for your reply. I understand that by looking at my original script it seems a little bland, but I have a plot in mind, and these early exchanges are required in order for that plot to go ahead. I do however realise now that they go on for too long, are not snappy enough, and there isn't enough action to get a viewer/reader hooked... therefore, I've asked two friends who are interested in writing to meet up with me this weekend, and we're going to bounce ideas off each other.

I've got ideas on the 'gay' story line, and will be deleting much of what I have already written. I will also have a think about the 'racism', but I haven't got any ideas for that thus far. To be honest, the racism was just thrown in, so I may well end up deleting that completely.

You are correct about the office, that scene was excellent.. However, I'm no Ricky/Steve, they have created some of the most brilliant British comedy in recent years and are world famous... I've just started, but believe with a lot of time and effort, I can make this script work.

I will have a re-write, and post up what I come up with.

I'd just like to reiterate that I do welcome all your input, and it has made me re-think a few things.

you're right about re-writes, it takes a lot of time. One of the best methods I found when writing scripts was to read the scripts of sitcom's I admire. It's a really good way of working out what works. Painters go to galleries, film makers watch films, writers read, sitcom writers read scripts.

another thing I found useful is just to write down the plot very factually in a paragraph, read it back and actually see if that's something you'd be interested in watching.

keep going though, practise makes perfect, just think how much better you are at wanking now than when you first started!

I perfected my wanking technique years ago.

Agree with others, you are capable of writing funny lines but the plot and some of the non-pc stuff spoils it.

Why a University? you could write about young people in all areas of life.

Quote: dellas @ September 28 2011, 8:31 PM BST

Agree with others, you are capable of writing funny lines but the plot and some of the non-pc stuff spoils it.

Why a University? you could write about young people in all areas of life.

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Appreciate it Dellas!

I do agree, and I have already begun working on it. As I've said previously, I will address the non-PC stuff. I do hope to leave the actual themes in, but again, as previously said, I will attempt to construct it in a more intelligent and 'funny' manner.

With regards to ''why a university'' I like the idea of 'observational comedy', and I've also experienced many of the things that I plan to include (some incredibly funny situations that I hope others will find hilarious too).

Are you currently working on anything yourself?

Had an idea for c.beebies, about 3 legged dog, on the back burner just now.

Trying to start 'small' if 1 joke is successful on 'newsjack' I'll very happy.

Have lots of ideas for comedy, from female perspective, however to pace these ideas to fill 28 minutes of great entertainment is tough!

Quote: dellas @ September 28 2011, 10:27 PM BST

Had an idea for c.beebies, about 3 legged dog, on the back burner just now.

Trying to start 'small' if 1 joke is successful on 'newsjack' I'll very happy.

Have lots of ideas for comedy, from female perspective, however to pace these ideas to fill 28 minutes of great entertainment is tough!

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Indeed it is, I imagine even more difficult writing for children! What's 'Newsjack' may I ask?

Quote: Richadam @ September 28 2011, 10:12 PM BST

With regards to ''why a university'' I like the idea of 'observational comedy', and I've also experienced many of the things that I plan to include (some incredibly funny situations that I hope others will find hilarious too).

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Best to include them now then. Someone wiser than me said on an advert for chewing gum, or something, that you don't get a second chance to make a first impression. Observational comedy is seeing something that is before everybody else's eyes but they have never really noticed or appreciated before. So steer clear of wanking, for example, unless you really have perfected something that you wish to share with the world. It's male centric in your snippets, maybe try and relate that to a female audience rather than to a male audience? Take something you know about and work it into something that surprises us... not on Hampstead Heath though obviously as, again, that territory has been covered.

Quote: Marc P @ September 28 2011, 10:42 PM BST

Best to include them now then. Someone wiser than me said on an advert for chewing gum, or something, that you don't get a second chance to make a first impression. Observational comedy is seeing something that is before everybody else's eyes but they have never really noticed or appreciated before. So steer clear of wanking, for example, unless you really have perfected something that you wish to share with the world. It's male centric in your snippets, maybe try and relate that to a female audience rather than to a male audience? Take something you know about and work it into something that surprises us... not on Hampstead Heath though obviously as, again, that territory has been covered.

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I do really appreciate your input Marc, you have made me think a lot about my script. I've been thinking about how I can make an impact early on, and think I have a couple of good ideas.

Thanks again,

Rich.

Quote: dellas @ September 28 2011, 10:27 PM BST

Had an idea for c.beebies, about 3 legged dog, on the back burner just now.

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So it's a hot dog.

Bloody knew it when I typed it!