I'm hosting a new gig soon and I've decided, as a one-off challenge, that I'd like to try and tell the very worst Christmas cracker style joke I'm offered on this forum and deliver it with enough gusto that it gets a winning response.
The whole sorry scene is going to be recorded for posterity, so have at it, folks!
I've just eaten a Christmas Cracker
I'm sure there must be a joke in there somewhere.
Do these have to be original compositions, David?
I'm looking for truly terrible, non-meta, original jokes. The kind you'd be embarrassed to tell to friends, let alone an audience.
Why did the scissors cry?
He was all cut up.
(Original written by me just then using the stationery on my desk as jokespiration).
My worst ever joke ...
Shortly before he died, George Peppard was constructing a jumbo jet. He put the last component into place, stepped back, admired his work and said: 'I love it when a plane comes together.'
When the weather gets colder & I find it hard to nod off I like to put bit's of sleeping pills in my Steak Sauce.
I call it Bernaise Winters with Snorebits
Delhi weather forecasters are predicting an Indian Summer.
Why did the Jelly Deal? To get some winkles.
@FredSunshine
Who doesn't like floors?
Ceiling fans
I hear she's up the spout again
Who?
Incy wincy spider
Was gay citrussy and conquered Persia?
Alexander the great fruit
What do you do if you get hair on your chips?
Sprinkle them with malt vinegar.
What lubricant does Pope Eye use on his cock?
Olive Oyl.
What's an MPs favourite flavor of crisps?
Sleaze and onions
Why is a cockney loaf posh?
Because he's well bread.
At primary school I told this joke...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Flat
Flat who?
Flat wallpaper!
... 
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tat
Tat Who?
Boss da plane!
Knock knock
Whos there?
Ligan
Who ligan?
Anarchy|!