My first attempt...

Hi guys, wondering if you'd like to have a look through the first scene of my new creation and offer any tips. A bit about myself, I'm a 21 year old recent graduate hoping to make it as a comedy writer. The content of my show (yet to be named) is rather crude, although I'd like to state that it won't be 'low brow' as such.

Set: A University Hall of residence
Format: Michael Regan is a PhD Psychology student, disguised as a 'mature fresher' - His project is to analyse the change in a student as they move from being a 'fresher' to graduating. His subject, 'Phil' does not know that this experiment is going on, nor does anyone else within the new circle of friends. The camera's will range from CCTV (planted in the subjects room and surrounding rooms) as well as a hidden camera on Michael's being and cameras planted on the other students coats etc. - each episode is narrated, not in the traditional sense, but by Michael Regan typing up his findings in a report. He will often summarise his previous weeks findings at the beginning, and summarise in a witty and humours way what had happened during the episode, and his 'expert' take on the subject, Phil.

Core Characters: Phil Harvey, Richard Baron, Michael Regan, Patrick Simpson, Daniel Catterall, Scott Lewty, Daniel Pilkington, Kristina Brocklesby

Episode 1 - Freshers Week

SCENE 1:

In Richards room, the boys (Richard, Daniel, Michael, Patrick, Phil and Scott) are spending their first day of University playing Xbox games.

Richard: ''What a goal! City 1, Chelsea 0''
Daniel: ''who scored?''
Richard: ''Gareth Barry''
Phillip: ''Garry Barry, most certainly the best looking chap in the English Premiership''
(all the lads look at him awkwardly)
Phillip: ''Get a good look at me there Daniel?''
Daniel: ''Ey?''
Phillip: ''I caught you looking''
Daniel: ''I can confirm that I was not checking you out''
Phil: ''Yes you were''
Patrick: ''Are you gay Phil?''
Phillip: ''No. Daniel was looking at me''
Mike: ''I think he means the Gareth Barry comment''
Phil: ''I just appreciate beauty''
Richard: ''But do you like cock?''
Phillip: ''not really, but would be interesting to see the Chelsea teams length''
Michael: ''Why?''
Phillip: ''They've got money, women, fame... no justice if they've got length too''
Mike: ''I doubt they've all got massive knobs mate''
Phillip: ''Course they do, look at them!''
(camera focuses on the Chelsea team made up mainly of black players)

Richard: (Recognising the racism and laughing) ''they have shorts on though, it's difficult to see anything''
Phillip: ''You know what I mean Richard''
Michael: ''Bit early in our friendship to be coming out with stuff like that isn't it?''
Phillip: ''Nothing wrong with a bit of casual racism Michael''
Michael: ''yeah but still, we might get the wrong idea about you''
Phillip: ''How is saying they have absolute length racist?''
Michael: ''you just can't talk about ethnic stereotypes, doesn't matter what it is..''
Phillip: ''political correctness gone mad''
Michael: ''Perhaps, but that's the world we live in''
Phil: ''Well it's shit''
Michael: ''somewhat like your FIFA skills''
(During initial scene the score line is clearly shown to be 1-0, the scene cuts forward to 3-0)
Richard: ''Going back to my earlier observation - even if you've not accepted it yet Phil, I reckon in a few years you'll come out''
Phil: ''No chance, I've put far too much money into sex trafficking women to be gay''
Richard: ''You've funded sex trafficking?''
Phil: ''Indirectly''
Daniel: ''How so?''
Phil: ''ridiculous amounts of porn. And a good weekend in Amsterdam last summer''
Richard: ''That where you lost your virginity?''
Phil: ''No, I was 15''
Richard: ''So that'd make you 16 now? You a genius or something?''
Phil: ''shut up Baron''
Richard: ''Fit?''
Phil: ''the prostitute or the girl I lost it to?''
Richard: ''It's the same person isn't it?''
Phil: ''I've already said it wasn't''
Richard: ''ok, the unlucky girl who you lost it to then''

Phil: ''She was a whale''
Richard: ''How long did you last?''
Phil: ''Spaffed around the tenth pump''
Richard: ''Still your personal best?''
Phil: ''Nah, I lasted 3 minutes the second time''
(Daniel Pilkington walks in with a create of beer, scruffy clothing and a big grin)
Daniel P: ''Alright lads''
(all the lads say hi back)
Richard: ''Sorry mate, what's your name?''
Daniel: ''Danny Pilkington, yours?
Richard: ''I'm Richard, this is Danny C, Patrick, Scott, Phil and Mike''
(all the lads shake hands)

Daniel P: ''You lot coming out tonight?''
Richard: ''Yeah I think we will do, not till later though''
(Kristina walks in)
Kristina: ''Why aren't you lot socialising in the kitchen?''
Patrick: ''I've got enough friends at home''
Kristina: ''Are you coming out though?''
Richard: ''Not sure yet, probably will''
Kristina: ''come on guys, it's your first night at Uni... There's loads of hot girls coming out with us''
(the lads ignore her while they play the Xbox)
Kristina ''Hello?''
(the lads continue to ignore her)
(kristina sighs, shakes her head, and leaves)
Phil: ''Absolute bollocks that''

Daniel: ''what?''
Phil: ''that there's loads of hot girls going out''
Daniel: ''Why do you say that?''
Phil: ''she isn't fit''
Daniel: ''so?''
Phil: ''good looking people hang around with each other. Fact''
Richard: ''We're hanging around together''
Phil: ''and?''
Richard: ''Well, you're not exactly the best looking lad in the world...and look at me'' (points to his own face)
Phil: ''I do know what it's like to look good Baron''
Richard: ''No you don't.''

(The camera pans around the kitchen where everyone is 'socialising' - there are a lot of very good looking females - and very few males - the camera then goes back to the boys)

I like the idea of the psychology student secretly observing his subject, and then writing it down at the end of each episode. Room there for lots of observational humour and if developed there's plenty of scope for making Michael an interesting centrepiece.

I can't say I thought that much of the initial scene, too many characters introduced without any idea what each was about, especially Phil, who is supposed to be a main character. I get that they are all lads sitting around but there was no action at all to define the scene, even just to show some personality traits and I didn't get the sense of them being freshers which I would have liked to have come across.

I do like the idea though, so good luck with it.

Richadam I would move away from a Uni based sitcom, there have been a few on recently in various guises and varying degrees of success. People do say write what you know about so that is sometimes a good start but it means write what you know about and care about. But as a heads up why you may not get past the first ten page doobry etc... Some people are gay nowadays. (I know... not sure where it came from, maybe Russian weather lasers being hacked by Hoover, but for men that means they actually do like cock. I guess. I know... go figure. But the black team members having length suggests to me you are being post modern ironical, deconstructing both social mores and the reader being implicit in the ongoing sociopolitical discourse that a modern sitcom should have between artist, audience, society and that area in between that has been called either meta comedy or introspective self referential critique of, and in, of itself, of the so called zeitgeist.

So maybe I was missing your point here.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ September 27 2011, 10:17 PM BST

I like the idea of the psychology student secretly observing his subject, and then writing it down at the end of each episode. Room there for lots of observational humour and if developed there's plenty of scope for making Michael an interesting centrepiece.

I can't say I thought that much of the initial scene, too many characters introduced without any idea what each was about, especially Phil, who is supposed to be a main character. I get that they are all lads sitting around but there was no action at all to define the scene, even just to show some personality traits and I didn't get the sense of them being freshers which I would have liked to have come across.

I do like the idea though, so good luck with it.

View original

That's the point! (with regards to them not being 'traditional' freshers) - they are reluctant to be social.. by chance a like minded set of guys have come together. I think that's what could be funny, they are forced into social situations (well, that's the plan) and I think that could cause some awkwardness and tension. I understand the introducing scene isn't that strong, but I literally started it last week - so plenty of time to crack on with it. I'm going to watch my favourite comedy first episodes, and see how they introduce the characters.

I really do appreciate all your feedback, you too Marc, and I will (once finished) get a full first episode script up. I will be staying with the University format, as I have a lot of ideas for it.

With regards to the 'gay' and 'racial' references, well, I guess I will go with what many famous comedy writers have said ''write what makes you laugh''. A taboo is socially-constructed... why not attempt to break down the barriers? I have absolutely no problem with gay or different races, in fact, several of my friends are.. and they have found my script funny thus far.. (well, the aforementioned references to 'length').

Quote: Richadam @ September 27 2011, 10:59 PM BST

I have absolutely no problem with gay or different races

View original

Well that's nice. But your friends aren't going to be judging your work. I did and I am not important at all. The point of airing material here is to get some feedback, I guess, outside of your friends before sending it out somewhere. What did your gay and different race friends have to say about what was your unique take on issues germane to them for example. Think of yourself as an artist first and a comedy writer second and deconstruct your own work. What is it you want to observe and say.

Ok, I've decided to post the rest up now (was on a different computer, but it's all together now) - I work it out to be around 12-13 minutes of dialogue. It's all leading up to the lads rather reluctantly going out on a night out (which I will be writing over the next couple of weeks) during which some events shall occur that will reveal personality traits more..

Daniel: ''We should probably go out though''
Patrick: ''Can't be arsed with that lot, they're doing my head in already''
Richard: ''(laughs) Why?''
Patrick: ''It's f**king 21 questions.. shit small talk''
Phil: ''Yeah I know what you mean, they're a bunch of dick heads''
Michael: ''How are they dick heads? You've just met them!''
Phil: ''They're not dick heads, they're just incompetent gays''
Michael: ''What do you mean?'
Phil: ''they just are''
Michael: ''That's not really explaining...''
Phil: ''Well, that bird Kristina is studying Linguistics''
Daniel: ''Bit rich that, you're studying Criminology aren't you?''
Phil: ''Yeah but that's leading somewhere''
Richard: ''Learning how to evade the police? what you got planned?''

Phil: ''No Richard, I want to work in a prison''
Michael: ''Ambitious''
Phil: ''Yeah, well, that's what I want to do. What do you want to do after Uni?''
Michael: ''Not sure, not given it much thought, the idea of being a grown up fills me with trepidation to be honest''
Phil: ''what does that mean?''
Michael: ''erm, like fear or anxiety''
Daniel: ''you're not very good with words are you Phil''
Phil: ''I'm absolutely... erm... I'm absolutely articulate me Dan''

Daniel: ''Think you've just proved my point''
Michael: ''I've never heard so much shit being chatted in all my life''
Daniel: ''Well, we've got 3 years of it to look forward to''
Michael: ''the obscure yet common-sensical ramblings of a clearly mentally-deranged homosexual policeman - would make a good research project you Phil''
(the group laughs)
Richard: ''that'd be f**king boring''
Michael: ''The thought processes of Phil? It'd be scary stuff I'd imagine''
Daniel: ''It would be just Bed, Cricket, Masturbation'' (said as if in bullet points)
Richard: ''Speaking of which, who's up for getting our first team shower then prior to this evening's festivities?''
Michael: ''Out of interest, why is that 'speaking of which?''
Richard: ''You never smashed one out in the shower before?''

Phil: ''I do it all the time''
Michael: ''That's disgusting''
Richard: ''It's economical - shower and wank at the same time...''
Phil: ''Makes cleaning up easy too''
Richard: ''And that...We having one or not?''
Phil: ''I will''
Pat: ''Yeah go on''
Daniel: ''So we are going out or not?''
Richard: ''Yeah f**k it, we'll bring some minging birds back''
Phil: ''8 pints, pull a fat bird, rock back home''
Richard: ''I was joking''
Phil: ''I wasn't''

SCENE 2: Cuts to Richard, Phil and Patrick in the shower singing The Lion King 'In the Jungle' - The camera is panning directly at a row of cubicles, where the boys can be heard.

(Richard interrupts singing)
Richard: ''What the f**k is that?''
Phil: ''Sorry fella's... had curry last night''
Richard: '' absolutely disgusting - that's out of order''
Patrick: ''f**king hell, the heat is amplifying the smell''
Phil: ''I'm going to have to get out and wipe my arse, just in case''
(girls walks in to the toilets, grimaces, and leaves)
Phil: ''Ring sting isn't pleasant lads''
Patrick: ''What you doing?''
Phil: ''Having a shit''
Richard: ''What the f**k? Did you follow through in the shower?''
Phil: ''No, but this really isn't hard stool in any sense of the word''
Patrick: ''lovely''
Richard: ''I can't hack this smell any more, I'm getting out''
Patrick: ''yeah me too''
Phil: ''Sorry, won't happen again''
Richard: ''Yeah it better f**king not do or I'll smash you''
Phil: ''Richard, you couldn't smash yourself''
Richard: ''What?''
Phil: ''Doesn't matter''
Richard: ''oh, and stop calling me Richard, It's Rick''
Phil: ''I want to call you Richard''
Richard: ''Well you can't''
Phil: ''Does anyone else call you it?''
Richard: ''Erm, just my Mum, my girlfriend, and now you apparently..''
Phil: ''The three special people in your life?''
Richard: ''You're not special. I've just met you and I think you're a knob''
Phil: ''You'll learn to love me Richard''

SCENE 3: Richard and Daniel are playing FIFA after the shower, Phil walks in..

Phil: ''You're looking very aesthetically pleasing tonight Daniel''
Daniel: (looks at phil with an awkward expression) ''Patrick has just been telling me about your shower shit''
Phil: ''Yeah it was brilliant. I nearly shit myself, flew out very quickly. I was exceptionally relieved after it''
Daniel: ''lovely...''
Phil: ''Wasn't the best shit I've ever had though.''
Richard: ''no?''
Phil: ''A couple of years ago. In a pub. I had a pint, I had a paper, and it was a no wiper. F**king excellent''
(Richard turns around to look at what Phil is wearing)
Richard: ''Why the f**k are you wearing Flairs phil?''
Phil: ''They're boot cut Jeans''
Richard: ''They are definitely Flairs''
Phil: ''It doesn't matter. The short sleeved shirt, the vest and my face will have the minge all over me''
Daniel: ''Yeah the girls do love the Ryan Atwood look''
Phil: ''Who's that?''
Daniel: ''He's off The OC''
Phil: ''If he's not mentioned on Perez Hilton Daniel, I'm not interested..''
Daniel: ''What's Perez Hilton?''
Phil: ''It's this celebrity gossip website. Apart from Cricinfo, the best website in the world''
Daniel: ''I think I can speak for all of us when I say I'm having serious doubts over your sexuality Phil''
Phil: ''I'll show you all tonight then won't I. I might get a bit lairy with a bird, nothing serious though.. just a bit of waist grabbing and whatnot''
Daniel: ''I imagine you're quite adept at unsettling girls Phil''
Phil: ''I like to think it's because I'm just too good looking, a bit like Megan Fox''
Daniel: ''You're comparing yourself to Megan Fox?''
Phil: ''Yes - I won the genetic lottery didn't I''
Daniel: ''I didn't mean intimidate with your looks, I meant literally scare girls by being f**king odd...''
Richard: ''...Or lads...''
Daniel: (sniggers and nods) ''...or lads, with your oddness''
Phil: ''You'll see tonight the type of victims I target... speaking of which, better go and have a tactical wank, never know do you..''
(Phil leaves, Patrick and Michael walk in)
Patrick: ''Where's Phil gone? Thought we were going out?''
Richard: ''we are''
Patrick: ''It's not fancy dress is it?''
Richard: ''No, why?''
Patrick: ''he's wearing flairs!''
Richard: ''(laughs) I know, it's embarrassing''
Daniel: ''He's gone to smash one out''
Patrick: ''Really?''
Daniel: ''Yep''
Richard: ''He's an odd one him aint he''
Daniel: ''Literally the weirdest lad I've ever met''
Richard: ''Do you really reckon he's gay?''
Patrick: ''Not sure, he likes to talk about blokes a lot doesn't he''
Richard: ''Yeah, and he's just told Danny that he looked very aesthetically pleasing''
Michael: ''Really?''
Daniel: ''Yep''
Richard: ''I've caught him staring at you a few times too Mike''
Michael: ''Oh god''
Patrick: ''He keeps scratching his balls too''
Richard: ''Shit yeah, when he was looking at you (Richard looks at Mike) he was doing that''
Michael: ''And yet you two willingly went for a team shower with him?''
Patrick: ''He didn't even have a shower, he was just shitting the whole time''
Richard: ''(laughs) he referred to his poo as stool.. but how the f**k are we going to pull when he's with us?''
Patrick: ''If he is gay then he might be able to make friends with some fit girls''
Richard: ''He can't be gay though, his fashion sense is horrendous''
Patrick: ''we need to get him out of them flairs, we should say something''
Richard: ''I ripped him before for them, he didn't seem too bothered''
Michael: ''He's ridiculous - he dresses like a bloody cowboy''
(Phil enters)
Phil: ''You talking about Scott?''
Richard: ''F**k me, that was quick''
Phil: ''not even my record''
Richard: ''You've just smashed one out in that time?''
Phil: ''It's usually 30 minutes from cock in hand to bed. But when time is an issue it's from erection to ejaculation in 60 seconds.. ''
Richard: ''He's the McLaren F1 of masturbators''
Daniel: ''Are you being serious?''
Phil: ''Yes.. getting a throb on is the most time consuming part''
Michael: ''That's actually very impressive. Good effort''
Phil: ''Thanks. Been smashing them out over The Only Way is Essex girls recently''
Daniel: ''you mean the lads?''
Phil: ''Obviously not''
Richard: ''Which ones then?''
Phil: ''All of them, except the blonde one who's seeing Joey Essex''
Richard: ''You jealous she's with Joey?''
Phil: (scowls at Richard)
Daniel: ''She's probably the hottest''
Phil: ''Maybe so, but I couldn't shag a girl with peroxide blonde hair unless she had a cracking personality''
Richard: ''Is that a joke?''
Phil: ''Certainly not Richard''
Richard: ''You're masturbating. Surely their personalities are irrelevant? When you watch Porn, you don't get to know the characters''
Phil: '' I tend to just use Facebook pictures of girls I know. I usually wank over potential victims that are worse looking than me, and therefore more attainable. ''
Richard: ''There can't be many of those about''
Phil: ''I'm an exceptionally good looking man. I've looked in the mirror before and thought to myself: 'God you're a good looking chap' ''.
(Kristina walks in just as he finishes saying it)
Kristina: ''I wouldn't go that far''

Quote: Marc P @ September 27 2011, 11:09 PM BST

Well that's nice. But your friends aren't going to be judging your work. I did and I am not important at all. The point of airing material here is to get some feedback, I guess, outside of your friends before sending it out somewhere. What did your gay and different race friends have to say about what was your unique take on issues germane to them for example. Think of yourself as an artist first and a comedy writer second and deconstruct your own work. What is it you want to observe and say.

View original

Interesting points. I haven't really given it much thought, not in that way anyway.

As I said, it's early stages yet, and as I've read on here, everyone's first script it always 'shit'.

Thanks for your feedback Marc!

Quote: Richadam @ September 27 2011, 11:14 PM BST

as I've read on here, everyone's first script it always 'shit'.

View original

I wouldn't believe everything you read on here!

Ha Ha fair enough.

Just to add to my (and your) point about my writing perhaps not appealing to certain (or maybe all) types of people.. I think it's important (as an artist ) to keep your integrity and to stick to your guns. If you feel what you have is funny or good, then stick with it. If you are forced into changing it radically, then it isn't the same project.

I take it most of us on here (in the sitcom area anyway) want to become sitcom writers. Now, given the chance, I doubt I'd take up an offer from 'Miranda' to write for them. That may come across arrogant (I hope it doesn't) but I don't like the comedy, and thus wouldn't want to be a part of it. The reason I want to be in comedy is because I want to be proud of my work, and in order to be proud, I'd have to do things my own way... if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out..

Again, thanks for your input.

Quote: Richadam @ September 27 2011, 11:45 PM BST

Ha Ha fair enough.

Just to add to my (and your) point about my writing perhaps not appealing to certain (or maybe all) types of people.. I think it's important (as an artist ) to keep your integrity and to stick to your guns. If you feel what you have is funny or good, then stick with it. If you are forced into changing it radically, then it isn't the same project.

I take it most of us on here (in the sitcom area anyway) want to become sitcom writers. Now, given the chance, I doubt I'd take up an offer from 'Miranda' to write for them. That may come across arrogant (I hope it doesn't) but I don't like the comedy, and thus wouldn't want to be a part of it. The reason I want to be in comedy is because I want to be proud of my work, and in order to be proud, I'd have to do things my own way... if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out..

Again, thanks for your input.

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Thats ok, that's what critique is for after all. It doesn't come across as arrogant that you'd decline to take up an offer to work on Miranda by the way. Just wondering what you want as help or hints from critique. What do you think needs changing in your script then?

Quote: Richadam @ September 27 2011, 11:45 PM BST

Ha Ha fair enough.

Just to add to my (and your) point about my writing perhaps not appealing to certain (or maybe all) types of people.. I think it's important (as an artist ) to keep your integrity and to stick to your guns. If you feel what you have is funny or good, then stick with it. If you are forced into changing it radically, then it isn't the same project.

I take it most of us on here (in the sitcom area anyway) want to become sitcom writers. Now, given the chance, I doubt I'd take up an offer from 'Miranda' to write for them. That may come across arrogant (I hope it doesn't) but I don't like the comedy, and thus wouldn't want to be a part of it. The reason I want to be in comedy is because I want to be proud of my work, and in order to be proud, I'd have to do things my own way... if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out..

Again, thanks for your input.

View original

If you don't like Miranda, wouldn't you find joy in making it more to your tastes? Yes, you would be going along with Miranda's Hart's vision (or whoever writes it). But you'd get the chance to "add your touch" and gain experience working within a professional sitcom writing environment, whilst making valuable contacts. A lot of comedians, writers, artist, whatever "sellout" in this way. Although, it's not really selling out it is just experience.

It's a nice idea as a narrative construct but an academic institution wouldn't set or accept a piece of work that involved a 'secret social subject' as it would be against the vast laws and ethical guidelines of the field of psychology. So if you want to pursue this set-up you'll need to address that.

Isn't that was artistic licence is for though? Or he could have got in to the Uni under false pretences which would add another layer to play around with.

Yep, that's what I meant by addressing it. He could be a rogue psychologist, or thinking he's amazing and then being failed, and so on.
Artistic licence I think has to be dealt with carefully because people who are interested in the broad theme are likely to give it a chance and then if there's an aspect that really doesn't ring true it'll put them off before they get a chance to invest in the characters, dialogue, etc.

Quote: Richadam @ September 27 2011, 11:45 PM BST

Now, given the chance, I doubt I'd take up an offer from 'Miranda' to write for them. That may come across arrogant (I hope it doesn't) but I don't like the comedy, and thus wouldn't want to be a part of it. The reason I want to be in comedy is because I want to be proud of my work, and in order to be proud, I'd have to do things my own way... if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out..

View original

A mentality held by many greenhorns, but the industry doesn't work like that. First, you need to build up a reputation, pay your dues, etc. If that means writing for shows you don't rate, then so be it.

Good luck however, in your quest to 'beat the system'. (Might wanna sort your formatting out first, though.)

there's nothing interesting about this script. It's pretty much just five teenagers sat in a circle wanking and farting.

Play fifa, have a shower, have a wank, all to the drab background of incredibly boring lad cliches just isn't anything near plot. You're not doing anything interesting or clever with the "gay/racism" stuff either, which just makes it offensive both comedically and socially.

Think about how well The Office handeled Gareth & the cliche of the black cock being massive, that's intelligent & very funny writing.

the initial premise was interesting, the fact that there was zero evidence of that premise being executed in the script is a shame.

I'm not being harsh, besides the premise and the fact that you're actually out there writing, I really don't see many positives....but it's your first time and all that. Reading my first stuff makes me die inside now!