NJ: Three sketches

Here are my three rejects for this week. Probably not really topical/funny/well written enough. Oh well, try again next week.

A SCIENTIST AND HIS ASSISTANT ARE DISCUSSING THE LATEST NEWS FROM C.E.R.N.

SCIENTIST
This is going to be the greatest discovery since figuring out that Ant always stands on the left.

ASSISTANT
Do you really think we've discovered neutrinos traveling faster than the speed of light?

SCIENTIST
Let's not get too excited. If this is what we think it is, it will change everything.

ASSISTANT
Everything?

SCIENTIST
Everything.

ASSISTANT
Even the price of milk?

SCIENTIST
Well, no.

THE PHONE RINGS.

SCIENTIST
Hello? Yes. Yes. Okay. I understand. Thank You.

HE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.

SCIENTIST
They've discovered something even faster than our newly discovered neutrinos.

ASSISTANT
What could possibly be faster?

SCIENTIST
The rate at which David Cameron spews out lies. There's been four million today and it's only just gone 10am.

ASSISTANT
Could this change the price of milk?

SCIENTIST
I wouldn't put it past him.

ASSISTANT
[CENSORED]

END.

AN ARCHAEOLOGIST AND HIS ASSISTANT ARE DIGGING UP THEIR LATEST FIND.

ARCHAEOLOGIST
This is going to be the greatest discovery since finding that hole that lets me peep into the women's changing room.

ASSISTANT
Do you really think this could be the Missing Link between humans and an apes, Sir?

ARCHAEOLOGIST
Tell me what you see.

ASSISTANT
I see two hands, two feet, a large skull, there's even opposable thumbs and that smell; it's an unmistakable air of superiority... It's looking good isn't it, Sir?

ARCHAEOLOGIST
Yes. This could be it. And look, there's something in it's hand.

ASSISTANT
Could it be a weapon or even a tool?

ARCHAEOLOGIST
It appears to be paper.

ASSISTANT
Paper? What a discovery!

ARCHAEOLOGIST
Move out of the way, boy.

THE ARCHAEOLOGIST UMMS AND AHHS AS HE EXAMINES CLOSER.

ARCHAEOLOGIST (CONTINUED)
Oh, damn. Well this is definitely not human.

ASSISTANT
Sir?

ARCHAEOLOGIST
This paper, it's a bloody health and safety legislation.

ASSISTANT
[CENSORED]

END.

A HEAD TALENT SHOW JUDGE AND ANOTHER JUDGE ARE DISCUSSING AN AUDITION.

HEAD JUDGE
This could be the greatest discovery since I figuring out that Gary Barlow is made from plywood.

JUDGE
Do you really think we've found the next big pop star?

HEAD JUDGE
She's got the voice, she's got the looks, she can dance, has a great attitude.

SFX: DUCK'S QUACK.

JUDGE
Yeah but...

HEAD JUDGE
But what?

JUDGE
She's a duck.

SFX: DUCK'S QUACK.

HEAD JUDGE
Hey, let's not be prejudice here. That's why we have no age restriction, no gender restriction-

JUDGE
[sarcastic] No species restriction?

HEAD JUDGE
Don't listen to him sweety. You're going to be huge.

SFX: DUCK'S QUACK.

JUDGE
Yeah, plump.

HEAD JUDGE
It's an absolute yes from me.

JUDGE
What? No. It's no. No way. Never.

THE AUDIENCE BOO'S.

JUDGE
[CENSORED]

END.

They're all a good length, nippy and good quick gag enroute.

But they all have weak punches.

1 Dave Cameron to partial and a bit crude.
2 A bit too crude a punchline
3 I don't get it. soz.

I think the first one you need a simpler punch.

Maybe as fast as
...the economy plummets
...Sara Palin blinks
...people lose interest in stories about Super Hadron Colliders

Second

...it's got a copy of the News of the World
...it's got the new Jordan biography
...it's got a contract to be the new presenter on Top Gear

Dunno if it helps but writing beats having a wank staring at the neighbours cat.

Quote: sootyj @ September 25 2011, 6:49 PM BST

They're all a good length, nippy and good quick gag enroute.

But they all have weak punches.

1 Dave Cameron to partial and a bit crude.
2 A bit too crude a punchline
3 I don't get it. soz.

I think the first one you need a simpler punch.

Maybe as fast as
...the economy plummets
...Sara Palin blinks
...people lose interest in stories about Super Hadron Colliders

Second

...it's got a copy of the News of the World
...it's got the new Jordan biography
...it's got a contract to be the new presenter on Top Gear

Also personalise some of the gags abit.

Maybe "greatest discovery since I found the hole in the room where the lady scientists take off their white coats.."

Dunno if it helps but writing beats having a wank staring at the neighbours cat.

View original

I didn't want to read these anyway so you might as well put them up again - that would really piss me off.

I'll put them up after Newsjack has broadcast. Then you can not read them until your heart is content.

Just f**k off. What?

*puts Godot in a headlock and forces him to stare at blank post*

Hey Godot can you write a one line sketch on what Dave Cameron typically says to Nick Clegg?

Quote: Godot Taxis @ September 27 2011, 4:39 PM BST

Just f**k off. What?

View original

Genius!

I like the Wavey bit

Put them back up. Minus the wavey bit

I liked them; they're all good.

First one is best, especially opening line. You don't need the last line as 'I wouldn't put it past him' is a good punch, I think.

Not sure how Newsjack they are. First one may work with a decent intro from Justin, but I don't think they are strong enough to use as a runner. The 'plump' line in three made me laugh lots too.

Dan

I agree with Dan that the first one is the best, it starts off with a good gag.

Cheers fellas, the second sketch was the first one I wrote aaaaages ago. I suppose I didn't try hard enough because I could have thrown in anything topical into the hand of the skeleton but generally it's didn't end up as a very topical sketch.

The first sketch was the second sketch I wrote, trying to be topical and thinking I was being original because I thought noone would go for the CERN story

The third one was just thrown in to make it a runner. Whenever I've sold sketches to other producers, they've always taken my least favourite ones, so I thought I would just throw in a crap one in the end to test my luck.