NewsJack Series 5 one liner rejects - unification Page 5

My efforts:

The ending of the best before date on food doesn't bother me in the slightest... I'm a cannibal (FX MUNCH/ FX SCREAMS).

I've just spotted Gadaffi. Yes, there we go, I'll just put a big x down there. I love playing Spot The Despot.

As an inventor I was thrilled to be asked to appear on Dragon's Den. Unfortunately my product didn't make it up the stairs. It was a slinky.

As a dyslexia sufferer I would like to congratulate the Queen on awarding an OBE to The N-Foz.

In the week that saw The Fonz receive an OBE. The Queen was said to be slightly bemused when he asked to receive his award in the Palace's male toilet.

"Man, man, man, man, man, man, man"...And that's the Dutch stalker who called a man 65,000 times. More from her later.

With her global empire estimated to be around £400 million. Peppa Pig responded to positive news on the markets by jumping up and down in muddy puddles.

Liked these ones from the thread.

* I hear they're making a Postman Pat movie. I'm sure it will do well at the box office, unless they lose it of course.

- Chris Huhne telling us we're lazy with our energy bills, well we've already got two for one on leaders so now Chris Huhne can BOGOF too!

Apparently Britons apologise for someone else's mistakes 8 times a day. I'm sorry but that can't be right.

Anarchy OK. The new magazine for the celeb obsessed girl who wants to bring down the state. This week smashing handbags or smashing shop windows?

N Foz is aces!

N Foz is aces!

Thanks. Not good enough unfortunately.

I like the Slinky one but as it is something that has already been invented might have counted against it.

The Peppa Pig one is very sweet

Most of those were excelent sorry they didn't get in.

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ September 25 2011, 8:28 PM BST

As a dyslexia sufferer I would like to congratulate the Queen on awarding an OBE to The N-Foz.

View original

Like a lot

APP:
I'm glad Elliot Morley went to prison for fiddling his expenses. I'm just disappointed he'll claim his sentence as overtime.

ANGRY:
So, Dark Matter Theory may be wrong? Frankly, it's about time we shed some light on the whole topic!

APP:
Gender-free passports? I didn't even know mine had genitalia...

SULTRY ITALIAN:
How-a do I rate-a Silvio Berlosconi? Oh-a, eight outa eleven.

MICHAEL WINNER:
Calm down, dears! It's only matrimonial!

APP:
I can only think sperm banks are turning down red-headed donors as Mick Hucknall has made enough contributions to the gene pool in the 90s.

APP:
Frankly, I think Fernando Torres is leaving himself wide and open to criticism.

FINALLY:
And that was Newsjack from Septemer 2011. The week that saw Fernando Torres score the last goal of his professional football career, before giving up the life of a multi-millionaire to become a slave in a Travellers' camp, citing that he refused to be treated a bit-part player.

Spam removed

Quote: jintu @ September 28 2011, 7:23 AM BST

also Christian louboutin knockoffs rolando will not shake hands rendering decreases. supremacy addition, the chronology herve leger bright yellow

View original

I saw that story too. Just couldn't come up with a joke.

A somewhat leftfield critique that I hope wasn't aimed at my stuff. Mainly because I didn't understand it.

Dan

Big Jack, I loved your, "Apparently Britons apologise for someone else's mistakes 8 times a day. I'm sorry but that can't be right."
It made me chuckle, as did Dan's Apps re passports and Mick Hucknall.

Merci. More rejects to follow...

Dan

Quote: Frantically @ September 23 2011, 7:15 AM BST

FEMALE CALLER:
It's unfair making criminal charges against that woman who rang her boyfriend 65,000 times. I bet he still forgot to pick up milk on his way home.

View original

The best of a good bunch.

Glad to hear the Spanish are banning the fighting of bulls. Lets hope they ban the bullshitting of the IMF next.

So Labours planning to cap tuition fees when they're next in power? If Milliband saves a pound a day he'll have more than enough by then to pay for it.

Banks are reconsidering transaction fees for customers using basic bank accounts. After a manager was shot trying to get a robber to pay a 50p transaction fee.

Ed balls is going to give his kids his Mrs. surname to save them the embarrassment of being called Balls.

Nice try Ed, but they're still going to have to live with the shame of their dad not being able to beat Milliband.

Scientists are working on a program to see how long it'll take to make an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of type writers to type out the complete works of Shakespeare.

They'll need a bigger computer to see how long it is before any English GCSE students read them.

That prisoner who had a van pick him up to cover a 60 yard walk, to save him from being humiliated walking the streets of Banbury in handcuffs.

It's the prison services fault for sending him to Banbury, I wouldn't be seen dead there.

Outrage at animal cruelty. When one of the infinite monkeys attempting to type out the complete works of Shakespeare.

Accidentally types out Kate Prices latest autobiography and reads it.

Ed Balls has decided to give his son his wife's surname Cooper to save him humiliation at school.

Pooper Stevens Cooper starts school in a couple of years.

Saudi Women to be allowed to vote without permission of their husbands.

Next stage will be finding how they get to the polling booth without being able to dive.

Saudi women for the first time able to get jobs without their husband's permission.

In other news ninja impersonator job in Ryhad has 1 million applicants.

Ed Milliband responded angrily to accusations that he's not supporting striking unions.

Pointing out that the Labour party has done absolutely nothing for the last 2 years.

It's nice visitors are being asked to help patients in hospital. I haven't seen my mum in years. But last week I wiped her arse whilst she helped me to give birth.

I don't mind being expected to take care of my mum in hospital.

But the nurse called me a scab and wouldn't talk to me.

Tragic news at death of Dad's Army writer.

No one has yet worked out how to tell Pike.

So that Russian oligarch that thumped an obnoxious journalist on the telly might win the Russian election, cos Russians love a fighty politician.

C'mon Nick Clegg England expects.

"The BBC has been accused of being PC, after ditching AD and BC, in favour of CE and BCE. Confused? So am I!"

"Blue Peter cats; Cookie and Socks, have been put into semi-retirement, with their only scheduled appearance being a special episode in December... which kind of undermines the message; that pets are not just for Christmas!"

"This week saw the first recognised case of spontaneous human combustion in Ireland's history... much to the delight of the pseudo scientific community!"

"Saudi Arabia has taken a step towards gender equality, by finally giving women the right to vote... in its rigged elections."

"The Turkish Football Association banned men from attending a game between Fenerbahce and Manisaspor; last week. As a consequence, it became the first match in history; to be watched solely by people with no grasp of the offside rule."