NewsJack Series 5 one liner rejects - unification

We already have 4 or 5 separate one liner rejects threads. I suggest that we stick to one thread for one-liners for the duration of our misery, as with previous series - hence the title here...

Don't post sketches to this thread, just JackAps, Corrections, And Finallys and other single gags.

And here are my puppies-on-Boxing-Day, all sacked up for you to sling into their watery kennel....

JackApps One-liners
(1)James Murdoch has been recalled - he is faulty and you should consult your doctor if you have accidentally swallowed his testimony.

(2)Hello, this is Carol Bartz. Do I know why I was sacked as Chief Executive of Yahoo? Search me!

(3)The sentences given out for looting were too harsh. I broke into the filofax department at WH Smith's and got 5 years.

(4)I used to be a member of the Anti-PowerPoint Party - but in the end I decided to let it slide.

(5)A glamour model in Brighton has been convicted of benefit fraud whilst working as a topless dancer - seems all her claims were falsies.

(6)A glamour model in Brighton has been convicted of benefit fraud whilst working as a topless dancer. She was picked up in a raid involving 27 police officers.

(7)George Osborne called the readers of GQ w*nkers - well, they did vote him Politician of the Year...

(8)Colonel Gaddafi, who has not been seen for two months, has finally been found today. He was work-shadowing Ed Miliband.

Corrections
(9)NewsJack would like to clarify that in our feature on the plight of jilted Jessie Wallace, "The X Factor" was a reference to the television programme, not what happened.

Things we've learned this week
(11)Never go drinking with an elk - he'll end up out of his tree.

(12)When swimming the Thames the back stroke is quite useful, but you might also just use the traditional fingers down the throat.

And finally...
(13)This episode was first broadcast in September 2011, when disgraced former Head of the IMF Dominique Strauss-Kahn announced that allegations of gross sexual impropriety had forced him to give up his ambition of becoming the next President of France - and also when he launched his campaign to replace Silvio Berlusconi.

Here's mine posted again.

Head of Thames water resignsOver excessive coverage of one turd floating down river

2 The government won't make any money from 40% or 50% tax.I don't pay any either way.

3 I feel sorry for Gadaffi even his GCSE results were terribleHe didn't even get Triple E.

4 I heard that computer that can predict the future of the world.First suggestion don't bother buying me a 5 year guarantee, Palin's the next US president.

5 I can see why the police should have more ethnic minorities.It'll give them more empathy with the people they shoot.

6 I'm sending my kids to a nudist school.

It's the only way we can afford the uniforms,

7 I can't get excited about this new campaign.

For face book to have an ambivalence button.

8 To help parents meet the rising cost of child care Student loans will now start at 18 months

9 That new supercomputer has got so many mega flops it can predict the future.

10 Al Quaeda are getting an embassy.

In related news Ferrero Rocher release new chocolates with semtex filling

11 If Al Quaeda get a new embassy.Can we make Prince Andrew our ambassador to them?

12 I'm avoiding the job centre these days.

With all the soldiers there, it's a prime Taliban target.

Sooty - my vote for number 7 also - very dry, very funny.

Think if I were a script editor your self-editing would piss me off though.

Really? Damnation I seem to produce more mistakes than a woman trying to get pregnant off of George Osbourne.

Actually seriously are these grammatical errors or one's from cutting and pasting?

1. On his state visit to Russia, David Cameron recalled how he was once nearly recruited to the KGB. As a teenager, Cameron says he was approached by two men on a Russian beech who took him out to dinner and asked him about is life in England. I guess that went on a lot in the eighties. I vividly remember the time my A Level geography teacher tried to recruit me to the KGB on a fieldtrip to the Peak District.

2. At a London arms fair this week, defence secretary Liam Fox stated that Britain has some of the world's strictest controls on the sale of arms. Given that we've been selling weapons to Libya, Bahrain, Egypt and Saudi Arabia, we can only conclude that most countries restrictions on arms sales must be looser than a David Walliam's bowel movement after few days swimming in the Thames.

3. Two former Tory peers (Lord Hanningfield and Lord Taylor) have been released from prison after serving a quarter of their sentences for fiddling parliamentary expenses. They are apparently now serving home detention curfews...although whether that is at their first or second homes is not quite clear.

To be fair it's probably the cutting and pasting. I didn't get 7 first time - because I only read the first line!

Trabs - funny concepts, too many words.

Thank God, I was recently diagnosed as being dyspraxic (and there was me always thinking I was dyslexic)

so I'm fairly paranoid about gramatical errors on submissions.

Quote: Trabs @ September 15 2011, 11:31 PM BST

1. On his state visit to Russia, David Cameron recalled how he was once nearly recruited to the KGB. As a teenager, Cameron says he was approached by two men on a Russian beech who took him out to dinner and asked him about is life in England. I guess that went on a lot in the eighties. I vividly remember the time my A Level geography teacher tried to recruit me to the KGB on a fieldtrip to the Peak District.

2. At a London arms fair this week, defence secretary Liam Fox stated that Britain has some of the world's strictest controls on the sale of arms. Given that we've been selling weapons to Libya, Bahrain, Egypt and Saudi Arabia, we can only conclude that most countries restrictions on arms sales must be looser than a David Walliam's bowel movement after few days swimming in the Thames.

3. Two former Tory peers (Lord Hanningfield and Lord Taylor) have been released from prison after serving a quarter of their sentences for fiddling parliamentary expenses. They are apparently now serving home detention curfews...although whether that is at their first or second homes is not quite clear.

View original

First 2 not so hot, they won't do a paedo joke from a non-com and second one is just a sort of poo joke.

3rd one is excelent, but they all feel a bit long trim 'em back.

The ban on blood donations from homosexual men may soon be lifted. This is good news, as it will lead to an increase in the number of blood donors who are YMCA positive.

Not sure Shoepie I think it's too much of a leap YMCA and HIV don't sound so similar?

It's got nothing to do with HIV. The pun is on A-positive, a genuine blood type, so YMCA positive.

It's a corker.

Oh I get it sorry being thick.

For what it's worth, here are my one liners deemed surplus:

NEWSJACK APP

* I can't see The Amy Winehouse Foundation being that successful. Her music was great but will people really want to buy her cosmetics?

* Is it me or does Nick Clegg sound like a way of subduing Heather Mills? Step one, find Heather Mills. Step two, nick leg.

* (Yorkshire accent) People are always saying Ed Milliband goes missing when it matters, but we all know what happened T' Glen Miller Band, don't we? Don't we?

* David Walliams has spent the last week trawling through waste and rubbish, now he can understand how it felt to edit Little Britain USA.

* I just bought the Star Wars trilogy on BlueRay. It's a bit clearer but still a little on the dark side.

* James Murdoch is a bit like Nurofen Plus, both being recalled due to sabotage.
 

1 ain't bad but maybe more news revue for reasons of taste
2 not bad idea but to much effort to get to the punch
3 old!
4 nice, joke but maybe frame it as "walliams spent 2 weeks upto his neck in shit. And after editing little britain he swum the thames."
5+6 are both very neat and pretty much perfect

1 and 5 for me. 4 they basically did. 2 is almost there, but it needs an edit.

Wasn't really thrilled with any of mine this week, quite like the Walliams one at the end, but they clearly had more than enough Walliams material!

Jackapps:

Posh woman: Dear Mr Cameron, my Charles hardly ever attends school, but I'm not on a benefit. I take it that means somebody else will have theirs cut?

Man:I heard that it was the tenth anniversary of 9-11. Wow, I thought the US had an emergency number way before 2001!

New father: I've just become a father and my testosterone hasn't decreased - anybody who says it has can come here and I'll give them a big cuddle...I mean...what for, I'll give them what for!

General News:

Justin:James Murdoch is to be questioned further about his knowledge of phone-hacking at the News of the World following an offhand comment that he only knows as much about it as Winnie the Pooh knows about honey.

Corrections:

Making a mistake is like getting divorced - you only realise the extent of your folly when you get the bill from the lawyers. At Newsjack we're big enough to admit when we're wrong, so here are some corrections:

-It is not the case that Ed Milliband misconstrued the news that more and more young people had access to porn and was planning to star in his own porn film as a way to reach out to potential voters.

-We were wrong to suggest that members of the English Defence League were blocked from being contestants on Red or Black due to their insistence that the correct answer was always 'white'.

-Our mention of the huge amount of effluent present in the Thames was intended to convey one of the challenges faced by David Walliams during his swim, and was not intended as a comment on Walliams himself.

Quote: Big Jack @ September 15 2011, 11:09 PM BST

JackApps One-liners
(1)James Murdoch has been recalled - he is faulty and you should consult your doctor if you have accidentally swallowed his testimony.

(2)Hello, this is Carol Bartz. Do I know why I was sacked as Chief Executive of Yahoo? Search me!

(3)The sentences given out for looting were too harsh. I broke into the filofax department at WH Smith's and got 5 years.

(4)I used to be a member of the Anti-PowerPoint Party - but in the end I decided to let it slide.

(5)A glamour model in Brighton has been convicted of benefit fraud whilst working as a topless dancer - seems all her claims were falsies.

(6)A glamour model in Brighton has been convicted of benefit fraud whilst working as a topless dancer. She was picked up in a raid involving 27 police officers.

(7)George Osborne called the readers of GQ w*nkers - well, they did vote him Politician of the Year...

(8)Colonel Gaddafi, who has not been seen for two months, has finally been found today. He was work-shadowing Ed Miliband.

View original

Like nearly all of these, especially 1, 2 and 8.
Only one I'm not keen on is 7, don't think NJ would use the 'W' word and it wouldn't work if bleeped.