NJ One liners

JACK-APPS

CALLER:The 21st Century's rubbish! 20th Century man makes a perilous, death-defying climb up the world's highest mountain. Why? 'Because it's there!' 21st Century man drives his comfortable air-conditioned 4x4 up a small mountain in Wales. Why? Because he's a nob.

CALLER:Fashion Designer John Galliano makes anti-semitic remarks to a woman in a bar, but it's ok cos he was drunk. Footballer Jordan Patrick makes racist remarks to taxi-driver, but it's ok cos he was drunk. I smash my car into a Tesco Metro and suddenly being drunk's a bad thing.

CALLER:Good news about the riots! You hear all this stuff about obesity in the young, but most of those kids looked quite thin.

CORRECTION
MILES:We apologise for suggesting the recent riots could have been avoided if more people had used viagra. It turns out Kenneth Clarke was blaming the riots on a broken penal system.

You read right - I used 'Miles' as an announcer, despite all the warnings on the BBC Blog. I'll be more careful cutting and pasting onto my old entries next time. Still, if I get nothing on this series I'm using that as the reason.

Haha, those were all very good, especially the first two.

Thanks Shoepie - was just about to say I liked your YMCA joke. I looked at that story and came up with nothing.

I'm out of practice with these, and haven't obviously heard the new series with the new format and presenter yet, but for what it's worth here's my rejects this week.

Corrections

Last week Ken Livingstone overturned a ban on filming in law courts. The compromise being that cameras would only be allowed to film the judges. It was not, as we reported, a clause in Simon Cowell's American X-Factor contract.

One-liners

Did the study into all the unnecessary rubbish they put in Currys include those extended warranties?

The fact that the United Kingdom has held a working relationship with a man guilty of crimes against humanity makes me despair at the ITV schedulers. Louis Walsh must be stopped!

Quote: Frantically @ September 15 2011, 8:10 PM BST

JACK-APPS

CALLER:The 21st Century's rubbish! 20th Century man makes a perilous, death-defying climb up the world's highest mountain. Why? 'Because it's there!' 21st Century man drives his comfortable air-conditioned 4x4 up a small mountain in Wales. Why? Because he's a nob.

CALLER:Fashion Designer John Galliano makes anti-semitic remarks to a woman in a bar, but it's ok cos he was drunk. Footballer Jordan Patrick makes racist remarks to taxi-driver, but it's ok cos he was drunk. I smash my car into a Tesco Metro and suddenly being drunk's a bad thing.

CALLER:Good news about the riots! You hear all this stuff about obesity in the young, but most of those kids looked quite thin.

CORRECTION
MILES:We apologise for suggesting the recent riots could have been avoided if more people had used viagra. It turns out Kenneth Clarke was blaming the riots on a broken penal system.

You read right - I used 'Miles' as an announcer, despite all the warnings on the BBC Blog. I'll be more careful cutting and pasting onto my old entries next time. Still, if I get nothing on this series I'm using that as the reason.

View original

Like David Walliams I like number 2.

Quote: Frantically @ September 15 2011, 8:10 PM BST

JACK-APPS

CALLER:The 21st Century's rubbish! 20th Century man makes a perilous, death-defying climb up the world's highest mountain. Why? 'Because it's there!' 21st Century man drives his comfortable air-conditioned 4x4 up a small mountain in Wales. Why? Because he's a nob.

CALLER:Fashion Designer John Galliano makes anti-semitic remarks to a woman in a bar, but it's ok cos he was drunk. Footballer Jordan Patrick makes racist remarks to taxi-driver, but it's ok cos he was drunk. I smash my car into a Tesco Metro and suddenly being drunk's a bad thing.

CALLER:Good news about the riots! You hear all this stuff about obesity in the young, but most of those kids looked quite thin.

CORRECTION
MILES:We apologise for suggesting the recent riots could have been avoided if more people had used viagra. It turns out Kenneth Clarke was blaming the riots on a broken penal system.

You read right - I used 'Miles' as an announcer, despite all the warnings on the BBC Blog. I'll be more careful cutting and pasting onto my old entries next time. Still, if I get nothing on this series I'm using that as the reason.

View original

Like David Walliams I like number 2.

For what it's worth, here are my one liners deemed surplus:

NEWSJACK APP

* I can't see The Amy Winehouse Foundation being that successful. Her music was great but will people really want to buy her cosmetics?

* Is it me or does Nick Clegg sound like a way of subduing Heather Mills? Step one, find Heather Mills. Step two, nick leg.

* (Yorkshire accent) People are always saying Ed Milliband goes missing when it matters, but we all know what happened T' Glen Miller Band, don't we? Don't we?

* David Walliams has spent the last week trawling through waste and rubbish, now he can understand how it felt to edit Little Britain USA.

* I just bought the Star Wars trilogy on BlueRay. It's a bit clearer but still a little on the dark side.

* James Murdoch is a bit like Nurofen Plus, both being recalled due to sabotage.

Quote: Kevin Mears @ September 15 2011, 8:50 PM BST

For what it's worth, here are my one liners deemed surplus:

NEWSJACK APP

* I can't see The Amy Winehouse Foundation being that successful. Her music was great but will people really want to buy her cosmetics?

* Is it me or does Nick Clegg sound like a way of subduing Heather Mills? Step one, find Heather Mills. Step two, nick leg.

* (Yorkshire accent) People are always saying Ed Milliband goes missing when it matters, but we all know what happened T' Glen Miller Band, don't we? Don't we?

* David Walliams has spent the last week trawling through waste and rubbish, now he can understand how it felt to edit Little Britain USA.

* I just bought the Star Wars trilogy on BlueRay. It's a bit clearer but still a little on the dark side.

* James Murdoch is a bit like Nurofen Plus, both being recalled due to sabotage.

View original

These are all great, the best one being the Amy Winehouse one. Shame that didn't get on. And the Heather Mills one too, very good although I don't think it needed the bit after the question mark, the first part is enough. these are way better than mine though. Need to up my game. Grrr...

Quote: Frantically @ September 15 2011, 8:18 PM BST

Thanks Shoepie - was just about to say I liked your YMCA joke. I looked at that story and came up with nothing.

View original

Thanks. I came up with nothing for so many stories this week. And now I'm seeing the angles other people have taken with them and I could kick myself.