You couldn't write it.

So, today I was called to a factory because the yard was flooding and they feared their submersible pump wasn't working.

I saw the flooding had almost reached the offices and investigated the problem. Sure enough the pump had catastrophically failed. I went into the offices to inform the boss.

Three of them were sat there looking glum about the problem. One boss said 'they cost over a thousand pounds to replace'
I said 'I know'

Another looked at me and said ' Do you have a pump at home'

Quick as a flash ' What I do at home is my business'

The place was in uproar.

Not a sketch - as it happened verbatim.

Wahaha!

I would have just said

No...

I would have thought of it about 2 hours later and kicked myself for not saying it at the time.

Anyone might think you're a comedian Steve.

25 years ago (f**k me!) when I worked at B&Q, an old lady rushed into the store and came up to me.

Old Lady:
Quick, I need some woodwork killer

Will Cam:
Don't be ridiculous madam, they can't be eating that fast!

Don't think she saw the funny side.

I once asked a friend, "Who would you like to invite to a dinner party, alive or dead".

He replied, "Oh alive, definitely".

Quote: David Bussell @ September 8 2011, 11:02 PM BST

I once asked a friend, "Who would you like to invite to a dinner party, alive or dead".

He replied, "Oh alive, definitely".

View original

I once asked a group of women at a party; 'Would you rather have a man who was ugly and rich?' or ' An handsome man who was poor?'

Straight away a WAG type female said; 'Yeh, Obvious init the ugly rich'

'Why?' I asked, reply; 'Its obvious stupid, he can pay to look better like me!'

So tired of it.

Quote: David Bussell @ September 8 2011, 11:02 PM BST

I once asked a friend, "Who would you like to invite to a dinner party, alive or dead".

He replied, "Oh alive, definitely".

View original

But alive women aren't so easy to score with.

Quote: Nogget @ September 9 2011, 6:12 AM BST

But alive women aren't so easy to score with.

View original

I don't think women are as bad at football as you think

I remember when I was a lad (teenager) my sister came back from a first date.

He dropped her off at our door and as she got out of the car she wasn't sure wether to give him a kiss or just say goodbye.

She decided on the latter. But, she got stuck between the words 'Bye' and 'Tarra'
and said 'Baaa' with an inflection between the A's

He retorted 'Moo'

Bit of a classic gag, but when I was working at the library someone asked where she could find books on meditation.

I replied, "Ummmmmmmm...."

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ September 9 2011, 10:48 AM BST

I remember when I was a lad (teenager) my sister came back from a first date.

He dropped her off at our door and as she got out of the car she wasn't sure wether to give him a kiss or just say goodbye.

She decided on the latter. But, she got stuck between the words 'Bye' and 'Tarra'
and said 'Baaa' with an inflection between the A's

He retorted 'Moo'

View original