Things that piss you off Page 747

Quote: Jack Daniels @ September 5 2011, 3:32 PM BST

I find smoking gives me the patience to put up with people who speak in cliches.

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Not a cliche Jack. Just a personal perspective. I tried dating a smoker once and it did not end well.

[quote name="keewik" post="805527" date="September 5 2011, 4:07 PM BST What are they doing to you, now?[/quote]
This is the world in general now. I'm trying to apply for jobs to preserve my meagre £67.50 a week and it is driving me insane.
The HR department is of a megacorp. I have been trundling along quite nicely with an application and last week I'm told the process is closed. Not that my application isn't any good but that because they wanted people to start on 1st September, which they didn't actually state in the ad, that I'd run out of time. They have decided to let me transfer my application to any other job that they have. I think this is a bit pointless as I've applied for a specific role and part of the process was to tell them how wonderful the job was and why I wanted that particular job. How long is any interviewer going to let that go? So, after digging through the world's most user unfriendly website I've found a job - merely to keep the process open. I plan to jump back to the original as soon as vacancies for 2012 open. However, I had to supply a lorry load of information that could be fitted on their forms. And they are being odd. They keep demanding further and better particulars of one specific qualifcation, which I don't have because I was never given a detailed breakdown of subject marks. AND, and this is what is driving up the wall, it's not relevant to the job for which I have applied or the one to which I've transferred my application.
The agencies? I'd feel less useless is they could leave it at least hour before they reject the application and it would also be nice if the jobs they advertise were findable on the websites.
Apart from that, I'm fine.

It's waving, not drowning. honest!

Thanks for valuable your incisive analysis Jack, comedy guru that you are

Quote: Juan Kerr @ September 5 2011, 6:15 PM BST

Thanks for valuable your incisive analysis Jack, comedy guru that you are

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Gracias Chico, but I'm still only a pupil.

Example. I've only just worked out the double meaning in your username. Ha ha. See? When it comes to comedic wordplay platinum I'm still a novice.

15 all - new balls please.

The 'school run' !

'effin traffic this morning after weeks of trouble free journies into work.

Quote: Oldrocker @ September 6 2011, 1:37 PM BST

The 'school run' !

'effin traffic this morning after weeks of trouble free journies into work.

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*Talks loudly in a condescending voice:-
Mr Rocker, Mr Rocker you don't go to this school any more, remember. If you did you'd be wearing trousers wouldn't you? Come on, Mary will take you home.

How about making the school run an actual run?

why don't schools start at 10am and finish at say...4pm

avoid both rush hours?

sorted

next problem please

Quote: Oldrocker @ September 6 2011, 12:58 AM BST

15 all - new balls please.

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Feeling bad after recent hostilities. Don't like fuelling pettiness, so here's an olive branch to the guy...

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

JUAN KERR AND JACK DANIELS MEET OVER A PLATE OF BURRITOS TO DISCUSS THEIR MINOR FORUM SKIRMISH IN A BID TO MAKE PEACE.

Listen, Mr Kerr, about this recent----

----Cunnilingus Anal, mwahaha!!

Come on now, that's not really comedy, is it? That's just a rather dated, slightly crass yet boring, character act.

You think that's dated? You should see my alter-ego "Dee Ked" over at www.hilariousstereotypes.com

Haha, "Dee Ked", took me a few minutes to catch up but I get it now. Do you dream these up yourself or is there a team of you at it?

A team of us. There's me, I'm a sort of Spanish/Brit/Mexican mish mash of cultures, then there's "R Sole" he has the world wide web in collective stitches, then we have the Mozart Of Comedy that is "Cocc Smoka" he takes care of the more satirical stuff we do.

I see. Any new material fresh out of the 'comedy oven'?

(Takes out an A4 spiral pad and reads out his latest chuckle-nugget)
British Airways and Easy Jet have united to form "Tit Wan K" Geddit? Hur hur, geddit?? I think you'll find that all the steps check out...

Sorry, talk me through it...

Well, my comedy is, I take letters from the names of airlines and I re-algamate them into something mildly crude and comically vulgar. And that's my comedy!! Geddit now? Are you laughing? "Tit Wan K" Cunni lingus! Buttplugs! Are you laughing yet??

It's more of a wry smirk if I'm honest... Ahh... Well anyway... Erm... nice meeting you. Hope we do this again, soon...

AirLingus-cunn-british-airways-easy-peasy-jet----ándale-ándale-arriba-arriba!!!!!!

Haha, Speedy Gonzales, good one. Alright... Have a sip of water... Relax...

Cunnilingus! Cunnilingus! Comedy guru! Cunnilingus!!! Analysis!! Guru! Cunnilingus!

Haha. That doesn't get old, does it? Have you anything that's a little more 'current' as in post-70s humour?

What about "Pill Ock?"

Not bad, but not good...

"Test E Cal?"

I preferred "Pill Ock"

YOU UNGRATEFUL MOTHERF'CKER!! YOU THINK THIS IS EASY!? F'CK YOU!! I'M FUNNY!!
CUNNILINGUS!!
(BEAT)
Y'know, we should've ordered Pennes Pasta, because, "Pennes" sounds a little bit like----

----Penis.... Yeah. Gotcha.... Er, listen... Do you have a family, Juan? Friends? People who love you?

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

JACK DANIELS RISES FROM THE TABLE AND INSPECTS HIS IMAGE IN THE ADJACENT MIRROR, WHILST WONDERING WHEN THE WORLD WILL RECOGNISE THE COMING OF THE SECOND HICKS. HE TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE IN READINESS FOR HIS ESCAPE OUTSIDE.

JK Before you go Jack can I ask you?

JD Sure dude...shoot!

JK Why all the pseudo American images of some peoples' idea of cult heroes and....

JD Im not gay!

JK I never even suggested...

JD But I'm not! Well, I do love the 2 guys - but not in that way. Shucks dude, between us they kind of support my fragile ego - but no way am I a fag!

JK I Know! I know you're not gay! But.....

JD The cigarettes in the mouth on both shots don't carry any phallic suggestions at all for me...none! I even like girls a bit.

JK Look mate, there's nothing wrong in hero worshipping these guys, one of whom was considered the greatest gay icon ever. Some might say it's just a sympton, albeit a pathetic one, of uncool people trying to appear to be cool. I mean it looks even cooler still in black and white, yes? If you don't mind me mentioning as well - the Jack Daniels bit's a tad predictable too mate - sorry.

JD Be honest - does it look like I protest too much Juan?

JK Quite frankly, yes! However, your secret's safe with me and certainly nobody at BCG will ever be any the wiser. Cigarette?

JD (Downcast) I just quit.

JK Good, that's a sign of maturity at least

JD Before I go, tell me - am I a bit c**ty?

JK No comment. But why not change your name to Jack Soffalot? or Jack Toff or...........FNAR!FNAR!

During this break in play we return to the studio for TTPYO . .

Bruce Springsteen.

What is the point ?

Quote: Oldrocker @ September 7 2011, 9:06 PM BST

During this break in play we return to the studio for TTPYO . .

Bruce Springsteen.

What is the point ?

View original

Spitting image did a great piss take

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eax5EfFbZGw

Return To Scene:

Blimey, I'd never connected the dots before - My Hero Worship of American stand up means..... I am a Gay?

Sorry to be the bringer of bad news. My bit was funny though, right? Continuing the conversation and reversing the insults?

Funny? If I weren't so broken hearted at what you said I'd still laughing! Had you, Comedy Yoda, not gatecrashed my "Psuedo American" image posting fantasyland, life'd be ----- Wait, did the word "Psuedo" really apply in your sentence, or was it just a knobhead's way of trying to use vocabulary he doesn't understand or... does it mean I am a Gay... ?

It means you are A Gay.

Ahh, that's a shame. Is smoking really a symbology of people who... are A Gay?

'Fraid so. Why d'you think they call 'em Fags!?! Geddit? Fnar Fnar! Fags! Cig Fag and Gay Fag! Fnar Fnar!

So... When you said one my pics was the greatest gay icon of all time, did you mean Bill Hicks or Lenny Bruce?

Oh, Is that Lenny Bruce? I thought it was James Dean. I guess I f'cked up my little comic diatribe five sentences in, oh well. Still funny though, right?

Of course, absolutely, it was one of funnier observations I've seen on this gay site. I loved it. What's not to love? I feel so deconstructed and exposed. Am I a lost cause Juan? Be honest.

No, no, there's hope yet. Get yourself an avatar that REALLY says something about your love of comedy. Not black and white, something colourful, a picture that makes all who look upon it, drop what they're doing and scream out: "Wow, who's that guy? He must be the funniest guy at whichever branch of Pizza Hut he mops up at"

Like what? What imagery can I use to exclaim vividly: "I am not... A Gay"

Off the top of my head... A picture of a man dressed like a Mexican Bandit usually gets the job done.

Of Course!! Ok, I can do that. Will that still make me.... A bit of A Gay? Or, definitely Not a Gay? I do enjoy this game of ducking and dodging the term "Gay" as if it were the Scarlet Letter.

Fun isn't it? Modern fun no less... and that's where stage 2 of the Comedy Formula kicks in. Talk about Pussy and Sex... A Lot. I mean, like... every single post, every single pun, every single comment. Talk about going down on women, talk about joke-rape, use words that give you a semi as you frantically type away, that'll show people you're a rug-chested guy who's ALL about the pussy. At first people will vaguely scan your 60's schtick and assume you're an attention seeking twattish virgin, but then they'll come around...... *hehe* "Come"

And so, not... A Gay anymore?

Look at my picture of the guy with the fake 'tache? Does that really look like... A Gay to you?

Nope. Not one bit.

Exactly. Remember: Fancy Dress = Funny. Stand Up legends = Not funny.

SURPRISE!

NO WAY!

WAY!

Beautiful. Brings a tear to these old comedy eyes. Looks really hetero. The clothes, the face, full on Straight Man. A pic like that says "Not only do I NOT think I am... A Gay. But I'm the kind of fun loving comedy guy whose use of puns and up-to-date oral sex gags never stops being relevent. Definitely not... A Gay.

Well. Preach, Yoda, Preach. I have shed my drug-intaking ways and now join you. I'm so glad I no longer look like A Gay. When the straight guys at the straight pub see me dressed like this..... Why, I can almost hear the cacophony of stereophonic laughter. It's like.... I'm not Mexican... But, I look like one. Right?

*High Five*
The Poncho and Sobrero is one of the few remaining sight gags nobody can argue against. Ever. One last thing? Your Signature... Quoting Lenny Bruce? Get with it Juan Jnr... That's not comedy! Comedy, is, for example... You know how there's an airline called Aer Lingus.... And.... There's an airline called Cunard? Well ----

--- Haha... Say no more Fella. You had me at "Aer Lingus"

Seriously guys, stop all this now.

Things that piss me off: incredibly long conversations between two people that could better happen by PM.

(Of course, this describes a great deal of my beloved General Discusssion forum.)