A bunch of sorrowful gags for my hopeless standup

Being as my standup suffers from windbaggery heres some one liners, any good?

Gadaffi is such a loser he even screwed up his GCSE's.
He didn't even get triple e.

Gadaffi's eldest son hiding out in sarf Landan
Sources say he's "safe"

I tell you where Gadaffi's hiding out, the one place one is watching.
The Big Brother House.

Mind you after 1 week of Jedward he'll be hanging himself from a lamp post.

With Big Brother, it'll be interesting to see what happens when they evict that traveller living there.

Mind you Jedward, the reason shot guns have 2 barrels.

They say it's embarassing when the shop assisstant presses clearly over 25 when you buy your wine at Tesco.
Pah!
With me they dither whether to press clearly over 25 years, IQ or stone.

I tried dating on the internet. And ended up going out with a man in a flat cap who liked bitter and was tight with his money.
That's the last time I try eBay gum harmony.

So David Cameron is going to do away with all planning permission for the country side.
I never knew he liked travellers so much.
Lets hope he pushes it through before the Dale Farm eviction.

Poor Old Barack Obama is in a state.
He' so desperate he called the queen asking for help.
She refused to take back the American colonies.

I'm on an amnsesiac diet.
I don't lose the weight, I just forget where I put it.

With Big Brother, it'll be interesting to see what happens when they evict that traveller living there.

Mind you Jedward, the reason shot guns have 2 barrels.

I liked those two sootyj

Thanks

Oh and people always tell when making decision to make a list of pros and cons.

Cynthia Payne, Ronnie Biggs, Divine Brown, Jeffrey Archer

How the hell is that supposed to help?

Quote: sootyj @ September 4 2011, 12:07 PM BST

Being as my standup suffers from windbaggery heres some one liners, any good?

Gadaffi is such a loser he even screwed up his GCSE's.
He didn't even get triple e.

Gadaffi's eldest son hiding out in sarf Landan
Sources say he's "safe"

I tell you where Gadaffi's hiding out, the one place one is watching.
The Big Brother House.

With Big Brother, it'll be interesting to see what happens when they evict that traveller living there.

Mind you Jedward, the reason shot guns have 2 barrels.

I tried dating on the internet. And ended up going out with a man in a flat cap who liked bitter and was tight with his money.
That's the last time I try eBay gum harmony.

I'm on an amnsesiac diet.
I don't lose the weight, I just forget where I put it.

View original

The pick for me - a few were 'groaners' - the first two Gadaffi ones, and the eBay one, but they're well crafted and if delivered right as if you're expecting the groan, could work well.

The Jedward one was the pick of the bunch for me.

Quote: sootyj @ September 4 2011, 12:18 PM BST

Thanks

Oh and people always tell when making decision to make a list of pros and cons.

Cynthia Payne, Ronnie Biggs, Divine Brown, Jeffrey Archer

How the hell is that supposed to help?

View original

Very clever - liked this. A prop could work well here?

Thanks standup glory here I come.

nb if an assassin fancies your sister, don't suggest he takes her out.
He'll kill her and charge you 500 quid.

"I tell you where Gadaffi's hiding out, the one place one is watching.
The Big Brother House.

Mind you after 1 week of Jedward he'll be hanging himself from a lamp post."

Liked these two. As long as you remember to say "the one place no-one is watching". Otherwise it may fall a little flat.

Quote: sootyj @ September 4 2011, 12:07 PM BST

Mind you Jedward, the reason shot guns have 2 barrels.

They say it's embarassing when the shop assisstant presses clearly over 25 when you buy your wine at Tesco.
Pah!
With me they dither whether to press clearly over 25 years, IQ or stone.

I'm on an amnsesiac diet.
I don't lose the weight, I just forget where I put it.

View original

Liked these ones best, Big Brother and Gadaffi being topical so those ones should all go down well too.

Quote: sootyj @ September 4 2011, 12:26 PM BST

nb if an assassin fancies your sister, don't suggest he takes her out.
He'll kill her and charge you 500 quid.

View original

Very good, but you don't need the second line.

Traveller in the BB house gag has already been done a couple of times in different guises.

Some nice gags in there Soots.

Thanks I guess nothing new under the sun with jokes

I kinda thought traveller in the big brother house was more relevant with the eviction. Maybe I'll rjig it.

Something like

They've found a home for all those poor travellers. Sdly it's somewhere only the insane and unemployable choose to live.

The Big Brother House.

Oh and the Greek economy is doing better. The pita industry has bread pockets of growth.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ September 4 2011, 2:09 PM BST

Liked these ones best, Big Brother and Gadaffi being topical so those ones should all go down well too.

Very good, but you don't need the second line.

View original

Thanks good advice on my second. Breaking my own rule on never explaining a joke.

Jedwood
Pros & Cons
THe rest or >_<

ooh ouch that's only 2

time to give up comedy and return to fighting comedy dressed as a rodent with a gay boy companion.

(fancy joining up again Will?)

Usual fee of all the goons I can eat?

Quote: sootyj @ September 4 2011, 12:07 PM BST

Mind you Jedward, the reason shot guns have 2 barrels.

View original

This joke (more or less) is in this weeks Zoo magazine

Zooo has her own magazine?

What about the rest oh Eternal Steve Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

Quote: sootyj @ September 4 2011, 12:07 PM BST

Being as my standup suffers from windbaggery heres some one liners, any good?

Gadaffi is such a loser he even screwed up his GCSE's.
He didn't even get triple e. Yes

Gadaffi's eldest son hiding out in sarf Landan
Sources say he's "safe" Not bad/not quite

I tell you where Gadaffi's hiding out, the one place one is watching.
The Big Brother House. Works fine, bit of an old standard

Mind you after 1 week of Jedward he'll be hanging himself from a lamp post.
Nice

With Big Brother, it'll be interesting to see what happens when they evict that traveller living there. nice but will have been done

Mind you Jedward, the reason shot guns have 2 barrels.
Zooo liked it

They say it's embarassing when the shop assisstant presses clearly over 25 when you buy your wine at Tesco.
Pah!
With me they dither whether to press clearly over 25 years, IQ or stone.
Needs another line otherwise I think it's a bit oldish

I tried dating on the internet. And ended up going out with a man in a flat cap who liked bitter and was tight with his money.
That's the last time I try eBay gum harmony.
not sure of the reference

So David Cameron is going to do away with all planning permission for the country side.
I never knew he liked travellers so much.
Lets hope he pushes it through before the Dale Farm eviction.
Don't get the references

Poor Old Barack Obama is in a state.
He' so desperate he called the queen asking for help.
She refused to take back the American colonies.
Nice, from a sketch of yours isn't it?

I'm on an amnsesiac diet.
I don't lose the weight, I just forget where I put it.
My pick of teh bunch! this made me lol

View original