One Writer. Six Sitcoms. Six Months.

Hello!

I've set myself the slightly mad challenge of writing six original sitcom scripts from scratch in six months.

I've just posted the second script online here:

http://www.6sitcoms.com/sitcoms/sitcom-2/

"The House That Jack Built is a sitcom about a thirty-something man, living as a full-time carer with his father, who unexpectedly inherits a house and ends up sharing it with the family he never knew he had."

I'm also blogging about the whole writing process at the site above.

I'd love to get some feedback but also if any writers out there fancy taking on the same challenge for a month (or more!) it's a great way of blowing out the writing cobwebs!

Thanks,

Glen.

Hello Glen. Henry is genius. I may love you a bit.

ARE YOU RETARDED?

And now back to the thread.

Hi Aaron. Very flattered that you're a fan!

Yes that does seem to be everyone's favourite line. Thought we'd have trouble getting it past compliance, but no problems at all. The Pope stuff on the other hand, that was a minefield...

Frankly, it's pretty much all gold. There isn't much that stands out above the rest. All of that minefield was well worth it though!

I just wish I had occasion to use the 'beggar's ballbag' phrase more often though...

Just read your script, I really like the premise.

I think there's huge legs in the characters but they need to be put across more subtely...I think the comedy would flow from there. There is a danger otherwise of turning this into a bit little britain (which you may well love) but I personally loathe and I'm 95% sure it's not what you're going for...i'd like to hear how the character thinks/feels and not be pointed out to a pigeonhole view,i.e. "touch my boobs" as an intro - think that's a bit of a cop out and you leave a lot of comedy on the table.

The best example of a rounded character (besides the lead, who is excellent) is the next door neighbour, she's a great character, one who never states her intentions direclty, but they're always very obvious - that's the type of subtely I'm talking about, becuase it's very human. She also provides the best laughs.

I see some paralells with Arrested Development here - i.e. a central "sane" character in the middle of a huge bunch of idiots...it's a great angle and there is so much plot in it.

Elements of Alzheimer's from the father - or maybe death induced trauma, careful with this - it's a useful comic device providing it's rounded. It's quite difficult to get cheap laughs (i.e. the fact he's naked) from the mentally ill, unless it's done very sensitively, perhaps referenced rather than shown. I think that the main character provides this to some extent, but it needs work.

this certainly left me wanting more, thoroughly enjoyed the script.

Hi comedyoflife

Many thanks for the feedback.

Definitely aware of the parallels with Arrested Development - hopefully quite different in execution but as you say the sane character in the midst of idiots is very much the same.

Your character comments are very useful. My partner read the script last night and made the same comment about the Cheryl character - a bit too Vicky Pollard - and maybe even felt like she belonged in a different sitcom.

Basically, after comments on my last script that the characters were not strongly defined enough I tried to make them much bolder and more distinctive this time. In the case of the character you mention, I think there's a good chance I just went too far with her. Something I'd definitely try to address in any rewrite.

And I realise the father character mental state is a delicate area and something I'd need to keep an eye on in future episodes.

Thanks again - really appreciate the feedback!

Hi Morangie

I'm impressed. The writing in these two is very good, mostly very funny and in the hands of some decent actors and a good director would make some great TV.

I don't have any issues with your characters - those in ;Pod People' are good, those in 'The House...' are great. Some lines might not work, but I reckon you could iron those out easily. You clearly know your stuff.

The qualm I have is with the stories. In 'Pod People' it seems a bit thin and predictable. As soon as the backer turned up and they went out to eat I knew what was going to happen.

In 'The house...' not much happens. It feels like the story's just getting started when it ends.

Maybe the scenes could be edited to be shorter and there could be more story? On the other hand the scenes you have and the dialogue between characters is very funny so what do I know!

It's an impressive start to a very interesting endeavour. I'll check out your next scripts for sure. Best of luck with it!

first 10 pages were excellant and made me laugh outloud several times. The neighbour is a great character. There were too many family members for my liking. I loved the line about being one packet of sweets away from the SOR but think it would be even funnier if you used a specific sweet (like lemon bonbons).

Great stuff.

Hi Frantically,

Thanks for the comments. Very useful stuff.

In terms of the story only just getting started I guess I struggled to do all the setup for the basic premise and have a totally self-contained story too.

Cheers,

Glen.

Will Cam,

Glad it made you laugh!

In terms of too many characters - you might be right. I guess there wouldn't be as many in a typical episode, just the regular faces.

Anyway, I'm aiming for fewer characters in the next one so we'll have to see how thaf pans out.

Thanks again for reading it.

Cheers,

Glen

I read your pilot, I thought it was excellent and that you're a very good writer. What you're doing with the self-set challenge is wonderful discipline.

This line:
"They initially thought over a
hundred people had been killed. But
then revised it down to just one."

Was genius.

Thanks Jack. Glad you liked the line! And appreciate the feedback.

Hi Morangie; loved the whole mother/sex toy mix up was good - sick but good. Good dialogue - and plenty of it too, sign of a good sitcom, it always amazes and depresses me how many scripts have too much description and overwrought action.

Thanks Marc! I do like a bit of manic action in a sitcom (e.g. Fawlty Towers) but it's really difficult to do well and can easily deteriorate into meaningless farce...