Skit Comp 28.8 - 4.9.11

Another great wank so congratulations to GERRY McDONNELL and 404 NOT FOUND for their worthy victories. Get rat-flapped and PM me apiece for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Gerry McDonnell, 404 Not Found
1 - 5 - Nigel Kelly, AngieBaby, Bill Jaguar, Kasm
Special mention: John Millar, Comedyoflife, Shirl the Whirl

Your new subject: Sweets (chosen by Bill Jaguar)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 4.9.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

203!!! - Mr Sunshine
192 - Kasm
169 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado, Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
109 - AngieBaby
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
97 - Gerry McDonnell
83 - Ishy
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - 404 Not Found, James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
27 - Bushbaby
26 - David Chapman
25 - Teddy Paddalack, Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Shandonbelle, Blobster
21 - Shirl the Whirl, Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Bill Jaguar, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - RedZed333, Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Tuumble, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Jack Daniels, Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

COCK OR VIN?

A RESTAURANT.
HUBBY sits nervously down opposite WIFE:

WIFE Hello Hubs! (kisses him on cheek) How was the vasectomy?

HUBBY Please darling, you know I'm most awfully embarrassed about that! Do let's change the subject.

WIFE Sorry sweetie, of course... (peruses menu) Will you have crabs?

HUBBY Oh honeybun...

WIFE Will you end with dried nuts and a little chili willie?

HUBBY Lovie-dovie, please...

WIFE I expect yours are greaseballs - meatballs, coq au vin?

WAITER arrives.

WIFE How about head cheese, toad in the hole? Gosh I'd like my sticky buns stuffed with rump or nut goodie, maybe you'll have your banana split...

HUBBY Waiter, just a salad.

WAITER Just a floppy, sour one?

HUBBY Just - a salad. And a water.

WAITER Yours fizzing or dry?

HUBBY Just - salad and water. (looks at wife) TWO salads and water...

WAITER No porky faggot today?

HUBBY Shut up...

FADE OUT - IN:
They're finishing.

HUBBY That was delicious.

WIFE Mmm yes...

WAITER Liquor?

HUBBY Yes, mine's a short one... I mean...

WIFE He usually has cockburns, I settle for a dry sack.

HUBBY NO! Just a sweet.

WAITER Spotted dick?

Hubby collapses.

WAITER No cream then.

INT. DINING ROOM

(BOY is sitting at the dining room table, in front of him is a big plate full of brightly coloured sweets, he has his head on his chin, he looks very glum and is moving one of the sweets around with is fork. MUM is standing behind him looking stern.)

MUM:
Now you've got to eat them all or you don't get your vegetables.

BOY:
Awww Mum, they're yucky, can't I just have my veggies now?

MUM:
At least try eating a few, you like the jelly beans, try a few of those.

BOY:
Oh Ok, I'll try.

(Boy places a few jelly beans in his mouth and grimaces as he chews and swallows.)

BOY:
Can I have my vegetables now please mum, I tried, I can't eat any more sweets.

MUM:
Oh Okay, I suppose so.

(MUM walks into kitchen, DAD is standing there expectantly)

DAD:
Did it work?

MUM:
Yup, like a treat, I love this reverse psychology lark.

(MUM grabs a big steaming plate of Brussel Sprouts, Carrots, Broccoli & Cauliflower and takes it into the Dining room.)

A MAN ENTERS A SWEET SHOP, AN ASSISTANT IS STANDING AT THE TILL AND SMILING MANICALLY...

ASSISTANT: Ah! Hello there what can I do for you?

MAN: Well what do you have on offer?

ASSISTANT: Well sir we have: sour cola bottles, fizzy blues, sour wine gums, sour liquorice and strawberry laces, sour dolly mixture, sour pick and mix and lemons sir.

MAN: Do you have anything else?

ASSISTANT: A very sour old wellington boot...

MAN: Why are trying to sell me an old boot?

ASSISTANT: I'm not, it's my wife.

MAN: Right, do you have anything sweet?

ASSISTANT: Well, no actually, but there is my daughter.

MAN: What?!

ASSISTANT: My daughter, she is very sweet, gets very snotty from time to time though.
(A WOMAN SNEEZES)
ASSISTANT: See there she goes again, it must be November.

MAN: Enough! Look I'm sorry Joe, but you just aren't right for the job of assistant.

ASSISTANT: Ok, thanks anyway Mr Gillis.
(ASSISTANT (JOE) LEAVES THE SHOP, MAN (MR GILLIS) SHUTS THE DOOR)
MAN: Everybody's a bloody comedian these days.

**Scene opens in the foyer of Wonka's Chocolate Factory, a man dressed in a grey suit (IAN) is talking to lots of children and their parents**

IAN: Welcome children, we're so glad you could come. This is going to be such an exciting day. Would you please all show me your Golden Tickets.

LITTLE GIRL: Ummm excuses me but, but, where is Mr Wonka?

IAN: Oh little girl, how adorably naïve, Mr Wonka is just a fictional personification intended to give the brand a more personal touch for our target demographic.....right? ok?

**Confused faces, raised eyebrows from parents**

IAN: Right? Riiight...who wants to begin the tour?

CHILDREN: Yaayyyy!!!

**Ian moves towards a big wooden door, they crowd round and he gently pushes it open**

IAN: Welcome.....to the room of.... synergies!

**Music stirs, doors swing open to reveal lots of people typing at desks silently in a cavernous, bleak corporate office**

IAN: Wonka is one of the largest brands of confectionary in the world. In this very room, our operational heads, together with our business analysts, promote synergies throughout our global franchise....Over here is where we highlight cost efficiencies..... over there is where we drive efficiency across the group!.... and did you know that on this very spot, our global co-head of aquisitions agreed the terms to our takeover of ChocoCorp's Chinese operations...which has since delivered 23% underlying revenue growth year on year!

*more blank faces*

LITTLE BOY: umm Mr Wonka Sir

IAN: My name is Ian Chittick...but yes?

LITTLE BOY: we want to see where you make all of the yummy wonka chocolate *smiles*

IAN: *kneels down* - Well then young man.....you'll have to get on a plane to the Sichuan province in China! We offshored our production over three years ago, reducing headcount by 65% in region and driving down production costs by a third! Isn't that incredible!

*Blank stares, visible anger from parents, little boys lip starts to quiver*

IAN: well alright... I usually save this part of the tour until last, but as you're special

**"Pure Imagination" - Willy Wonka Film Music strikes up** Childrens faces beam with smiles, parents look reassured and excited

Ian: *Sings* Come with me.... and you'll see..... where we plan our global distribution....

NEWSROOM.

ANCHOR:..."We now go live to the scene with our Reporter Colin Burtweed."

CUT TO COLIN. HE STANDS BEFORE THE GATES OF A FACTORY, NOW JUST SMOKING RUBBLE.

COLIN:
"It's the morning after the night before and the clean-up of broken glass, charred benches and abandoned sweetie wrappers begins. Where once stood this famous factory now stands only rubble. Last night Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory burned to the ground.

According to police, a parcel addressed to factory owner Willy Wonka was received yesterday morning. Mr Wonka was out of the country attending take over discussions with food giant Kraft, so the parcel was left unattended in his office. At 7.30 last night the package exploded, causing an inferno that would eventually sweep through the building, killing 12 Umpa Loompas.

It's not clear who carried out this horrific attack but police strongly suspect one time cartoon funny man, now underworld lynchpin Postman Pat to be behind the attack.

Pat, who was arrested in 2003 for smuggling sherbet lemons over the Mexican border, has long claimed that Wonka is the mastermind behind many of the UK's largest sweetie smuggling operations. At the time of Pat's arrest investigators could find no evidence to support his claims so no case was brought against Wonka.

After serving 3 years of a 45 year sentence Postman Pat was released on the grounds of exceedingly good behavior. However, he found it difficult to find work and soon fell back into criminal world of sweetie smuggling.

Pat rose quickly in the criminal underworld, making his name transporting illicit Wine Gums in Eastern Europe. With a reputation of being both cruel and ruthless he became the head of "The Candy Gang" in 2010. Former Boss, Peppa Pig has never been found.

It's known that Postman Pat still bears a grudge against Wonka for his part in Pat's 2003 arrest. It now appears that Pat has decided to take sweet revenge.

This is Colin Burtweed reporting, outside the charred remains of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory."

A DAD IS WAITING FOR HIS SON OUTSIDE SCHOOL, WHEN A MUM, MANDY, STARTS TALKING TO HIM.

MANDY -
Congratulations Dave, what are you going to call her?

DAVE -
We haven't made our minds up yet. Michelle wants to call her Starburst.

MANDY -
Starburst?

DAVE -
Yeah, she thinks it sounds exotic, but I think it just sounds like a sweet.

MANDY -
Yeah, well, it does really.

DAVE -
I mean, what sort of a person's going to name their kid after a sweet?

MANDY SHRUGS. A TEACHER RUSHES OUT TO GET DAVE'S ATTENTION.

TEACHER -
Excuse me, Mr Bow, can I have a word about your Harry?

A Young Man, collar and tie, approaches the gates of a rundown building.

He checks his paperwork, looks puzzled.

An Older Man, wearing a large hearing aid, meets him at the gates.

OLDER MAN
Hello Lad, we spoke on the phone, right?

YOUNG MAN
Yes, I'm here to start. Today's my first day.

OLDER MAN
I see, I see.. Come this way.

The Older Man leads the Younger Man through the gates.

Younger Man makes nervous chit-chat.

YOUNGER MAN
This is has always been a dream job of mine in a way, ever since I was a little kid...

OLDER MAN
Eh..?

YOUNGER MAN
When you said the job was working in a sweet shop I couldn't believe my luck because when I was a ----

The Older Man opens up the doors of the rundown building.

Inside are forty tables. Behind which, sat working on sewing machines, are many tired, overworked and hungry looking children. They stitch leather footballs together and sew emblems on shirts.

YOUNGER MAN
---- Ahh, I see....

                    MOTHER
          Right, Charlie, what sweets would 
          you like?

                    CHARLIE
          I'd like some f**king Polos

                    MOTHER
          I beg your pardon!

                    CHARLIE
          F**king polos, get me some f**king 
          polos.

Mother slaps Charlie round the earhole.

                    MOTHER
          You use language like that, my boy,
          and all you'll get is the back of 
          my hand.

Charlie rubs his sore ear.

                    MOTHER
          Right, what would you like?

Charlie bites his lip and ponders.

                    CHARLIE
          Get me some fruit gums.

                    SHOPKEEPER
          I thought you wanted polos.

                    CHARLIE
          I do, but she won't buy me any 
          f**king polos.

SLAP.

EXT. PARK- DAY

AN OLD MAN IS FEEDING THE DUCKS. A YOUNG BOY ON A BIKE APPROACHES.

BOY:
Hi there, what's your name?

OLD MAN:
My name is Choi.

BOY:
That's a nice name, where is it from?

OLD MAN:
It's Korean.

BOY:
Well Mr Choi, it's getting a bit cold, why don't you jump on the back of the bike and I'll take you home.

OLD MAN:
I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

BOY:
I'm not a stranger; I know your name and everything. If you jump on now we can stop off at my house and I'll show you my puppies.

OLD MAN:
No thanks. I've already eaten.

BOY:
Well how about a few sweets then?

OLD MAN:
Werthers Originals?

BOY:
You know it.

OLD MAN:
OK. Let's go.

EXT. STREET- DAY

THE YOUNG LAD HAS DROPPED THE OLD MAN OFF AT HIS HOME. HIS DAUGHTER IS TALKING TO THE BOY.

DAUGHTER:
Where did you find him this time?

BOY:
He was at the duck pond.

DAUGHTER:
The senile old goat! I'll f**k him!

SUPERMARKET

A SULLEN LOOKING ELDERLY MAN IS SLOWLY PUSHING A SHOPPING TROLLEY

MAN (MUTTERING TO HIMSELF)
I swore I wouldn't play into her stupid little game again, bleedin muggins I am...right, so far I've got the (READS FROM A SMALL LIST)

-Swottle of prairie nitwit -lemon scented
-A calf a cousin mustard farts
-One facket of freaky slashers - rindless
-A hag of paris snipers
-Rage and bunion muffing - 500grams

Christ almighty...this is getting out of hand woman (TUTS LOUDLY) ok, that just leaves..(SQUINTS DOWN AT THE LIST)
- A slaughter hound of dick n licks...ha bloody ha. (WANDERS TOWARDS THE SWEET SECTION) Well I'm telling ya now woman, I'm having all the koala pubes this time.

INT. HOME. DAY.

YOUNG GIRL: (sobbing)
Mummy, mummy. You know you said to never take sweets from strangers?

MUM:
Yes I did, what's wrong?

YOUNG GIRL:
A man tried to give me a sweet outside school.

MUM:
Oh my god! I'll tell your daddy, he can pick you up from school tomorrow.

SCENE 2 NEXT DAY: YOUNG GIRL IS COMING OUT OF SCHOOL:
Daddy, there he is, it's him, he's here again.

DAD:
Right! I'm going to sort him out... Oi! Did you offer my daughter a sweet you sick pervert?

CUT TO: SCHOOL LOLLIPOP MAN:
But.. but.. I only wanted her to hold my lollipop so I could tie my lace.

The Man They Couldn't Hang

"We're not hanging you today"

"Why's that, like ? "

"It's wer day off"

"Oh, ok - sorry, didn't realise"

"Nee bother, marra - would you like a sweet ?"

"Nah, not for me, mate - I'm on a diet"

"Well, you've got to look after your health, like"

"Aye, too true, marra - well, can't stop, see you tomorrow"

"Aye, will do, marra - best of luck"

"You too, mate"

I went to the local sweetshop the morning after the riots. Looters had been in and stolen everything. A sign above the door said: Sweet F**k All.

EXT. ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE. DAY

CARACTACUS POTTS IS DRIVING CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG WITH TRULY SCRUMPTIOUS, JEREMY AND JEMIMA LOOKING INSANELY ECSTATIC AS THE CAR SWOOPS MAJESTICALLY OVER THE SEA

CARACTACUS
We're orf orn a advencha in me flyin' car, gor luv us and no mistayk guvnaaar!

JEREMY AND JEMIMA
Weeeeee! This is sooo exciting!!

CARACTACUS
Yooo waits till oi takes yar to Vulgaria wot 'as a ballet darncer oos a genuwine child catcher with a fat ol' Baron wot's chasin' afta a sexy dominatrix!

SFX
Loud banging

TRULY (Looking dreamy and far away as the clouds rush through her hair)
What's that noise?

CARACTACUS
Eh? Oh, that'll be Grandpaw

CARACTACUS LEANS OUT OF THE CAR AND LEERS DOWN AT GRANDPA WHO'S BEING DRAGGED THROUGH THE WATER BELOW

CARACTACUS
Wot choo banging about at down there ol' timaaaa?

GRANDPA (Singing manically)
"Oh the posh, posh travelling life, the travelling life for meee-ah."

SFX
Banging gets louder and more insistent

CARACTACUS AND GRANDPA LOOK AROUND AS THE BACKGROUND OF SKY AND SEA SUDDENLY FADES AWAY. WE SEE THAT THEY ARE IN A SQUALID ROOM WHERE CARACTUS, TRULY AND THE TWO KIDS ARE IN GRUBBY DISHEVELLED CLOTHES AND GRANDPA IS LYING ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE SOFA WITH TRACES OF PUKE AND BODILY SECRETIONS OVER HIM. TRULY AND THE KIDS ARE STILL 'FLYING'

THREE OR FOUR GRIM-LOOKING PLAINCLOTHES POLICE OFFICERS WHO HAVE BROKEN INTO THE ROOM ARE TRYING TO BRING THEM ROUND WHILE PICKING THROUGH THE FILTH AND SQUALOR

COP 1
Ah, our old friend 'Cock Van Lesbo'.

CRACTACUS
Oi, leev it art guvnaaa! The naymes Dick Van Dyke - I'm a cockney

COP 2 PICKS UP SOME BRIGHTLY COLOURED ITEMS AND SEALS THEM INTO A PLASTIC BAG

COP 2
Yup, looks like LSD or mescaline mixed with grade 'A' Cocaine, chief.

CARACTACUS
Straight up garvenoor. Oi down't know wot they is, loike - init.

COP 1
Listen you piece of filth - you come across here and use some crap accent while peddling your hard drugs to innocent kids, whores and oldies. Last time you were here you were getting people flying around the ceiling laughing with Mary 'Poppers' - and now this. What shit are you pushing this time?

COP 2 (Reading something handwritten on a small cardboard box)
Jeez, the bastard isn't even trying to disguise what he's doing any more, guv. He's only calling them 'Toot' sweets!

COP 1 HITS CARACTACUS IN THE GUTS AND HE GOES DOWN HOLDING HIS STOMACH

COP 1
You are so f**kin' nicked, son.

END