AJGO
Thursday 25th August 2011 2:47pm [Edited]
London
4,987 posts
Shall we have a vote? Don't think some of the 'worst' jokes were worse than some of the 'funniest'..
(Link from Tony Cowards )
Dave's funniest:
1. Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
2. Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
3. Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
4. Tim Key: "Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...once you've hired the car..."
5. Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting". So we stopped playing chess."
6. Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
7. Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
8. Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
9. Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
10. DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved... Heroin."
Dave's 'some of the' worst:
Paul Daniels: "I said to a fella 'is there a B&Q in Henley' He said "No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y..."
Tim Vine: "Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy."
Vladimir McTavish: "The Lockerbie bomber put Lockerbie on the map, well he nearly took it off it too."
Josh Howie: "I've got nothing against the Chinese. Don't get me Wong."
Card Ninja: "I went to see this show and the guy said 'Hey kid do you like magic?' And I said 'Yeah!' So he asked if I wanted to see a trick and I said 'Yeah!' So he said 'think of a number, times it by 2 and if it's odd...' Oh no, he's a MATHmagician!"
Tom Webb: "Due to the economy, profiteroles will now be called deficiteroles."
Nathan Caton: "Postcode wars? That sounds like a really shit BBC game show."
Andrew Bird: "My wife's eating for two. She's not pregnant, just schizophrenic."
Mark Olver: "During my first murder I was like a dyslexic having my back teeth removed... losing my morals."
Andrew O'Neill: "A song for the colour blind: "And I think to myself...why did I become a bomb disposal expert?"