Up the Flagpole -- 5 minute sketch

Hello all, just looking for some feedback on this idea. Hope the formatting isn't too off-putting. Many thanks in advance for having a read.

INT. OFFICE. DAY

JIM types on his pc. DAVE enters.

Dave: Have you got the July figures yet, Jim? Sandra's getting nervous.

Jim: Not now, Dave. I'm looking for porn.

Dave: What?

Jim: I can't do anything till I've whacked off.

Dave: But you're at work.

Jim: Tell me about it. I was up all night looking, but there's no good porn left on the internet. All I can find is stuff for weirdos.

Dave stares at Jim.

Dave: You mean to say... You... Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to tell Sandra.

Dave leaves.

Jim types some more, then rolls his eyes--still no luck in his search.

SANDRA enters.

Sandra: Jim, I've just spoken with Dave. I hope I've got this wrong. He says you're unable to work because you're looking for porn. Is this correct?

Jim: That's about the size of it, Sandra, yes.

Sandra: Well, what search terms are you using?

Jim: "Big juicy tits".

Sandra: And you haven't found anything?

Jim: Nothing worth a jiggle of the joystick, no. See for yourself.

Sandra comes round to Jim's side of the desk and looks at his monitor.

Sandra: What is that?

Jim: Exactly. I think it's a combination of implants and photoshop. Hideous. And there are thousands of pages with those monstrosities.

Sandra: Could you not type "hardcore sex" or something?

Jim:Way ahead of you, boss. But see what passes for a porn movie these days.

Jim types and clicks his mouse.

Sandra:Well, I can see things moving. It's definitely sex. I think.

JIM: Why is it in extreme close-up? It's like a cross between a gynecological training film and abstract art. I just want to see sexy women. I've tried everything I can think of.

Sandra: Lesbians?

Jim: Ooh... Nice idea. I'm sick of seeing hairy men-legs in porn.

Jim types, clicks. They both exclaim in disgust.

Jim: Do they qualify as women?

Sandra: So much for avoiding hairy legs.

Jim: It's no use. I'll never crack one off.

Sandra takes off her glasses.

Sandra: Let me just run something up the flagpole.

Jim: A flagpole is what I'm aiming for.

Sandra: All this thinking about sex... It's getting me in the mood. How about if we, you know...?

Jim: Shag? Don't be perverted.

FORD, the company CEO, enters.

Ford: What the hell is going on? The figures from July haven't gone through. Someone's leaked to the press that the office is in chaos and our share price is dropping like a stone. Sandra?

Sandra: It's Jim, sir. He's unable to find any good porn on the internet.

Ford: Good God, man. This is the 21st Century. Just type "Big tits" and be done with it.

Jim: It's no use, sir. Take a look.

Ford comes round to look at the monitor.

Ford: What the hell? Who'd be able to bop the bishop to that?

Jim: I blame the coalition government.

Ford: Well, dammit, we need some ideas. Sandra?

Sandra: We could call I.T.?

Jim: Tried that. They said it's a problem with my hardware. Nothing they can do.

Ford: This is a crisis situation. We need strong measures. What if Sandra...?

Sandra: I've already offered, sir. But he's determined he has to go Han Solo.

Ford bashes the keyboard in disgust.

Ford: Dammit, I will not see this company go down the drain because one of our employees can't find something decent to help him slap the donkey.

Jim's eyes go wide, he's seen something on the monitor.

Jim: That's it! Perfect. I don't know what you pressed, sir, but you've found it!

Ford: I have?

Jim: Just leave me alone for a couple of minutes and everything will be all right.

Sandra (to Ford): Well done, sir.

Ford: Oh, well, it was nothing really. Right. Let's leave him to it.

Sandra: Good luck, Jim.

Sandra and Ford leave.

Int. OFFICE. TWO MINUTES LATER.

Jim leans back in his chair, relaxed and grinning.

Ford and Sandra enter.

Ford: Well?

Sandra:How did it go?

Jim: The monkey is well and truly choked.

Hi-fives all round. After Sandra hi-fives Jim, she looks at her hand in disgust.

Jim lights up a cigarette and takes a drag.

Ford: What in blazes are you doing? You can't smoke in here.

Jim: But--

Ford: No, "buts" my lad. You know the rules. Get your things and go. You're fired.

Sandra and Ford leave, Sandra stops at the door.

Sandra: Filthy habit.

Jim is left with his mouth open, confused.

END OF SKETCH

Immediately made me think of this sketch, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88goZsMye2s

Really like the switch at the end, and the commentary on modern porn. Good bustle of characters and interactions.
As there's a lot of dialogue before getting to the main reveal, could you make the shared disappointments and descriptions even bigger or more absurd? Or choose a point of view for each character and develop it throughout, so for example Jim finds comparisons between the coalition government and modern porn and that's his perspective? Maybe use it as the platform by which he refuses an actual shag, because he's so sick of all this namby pamby working together business.

Quote: Tony Cowards @ August 17 2011, 12:46 PM BST

Immediately made me think of this sketch, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88goZsMye2s

View original

Do you think they're too similar? I love that Big Train sketch, though. Simon Pegg is great there.

Quote: AJGO @ August 17 2011, 12:52 PM BST

Really like the switch at the end, and the commentary on modern porn. Good bustle of characters and interactions.
As there's a lot of dialogue before getting to the main reveal, could you make the shared disappointments and descriptions even bigger or more absurd? Or choose a point of view for each character and develop it throughout, so for example Jim finds comparisons between the coalition government and modern porn and that's his perspective? Maybe use it as the platform by which he refuses an actual shag, because he's so sick of all this namby pamby working together business.

View original

Glad you liked it, AJGO.

I think upping the awfulness of the descriptions is a good way to go. And I like your other idea of finding similarities between porn and the coalition government.

So, I guess it's time to get my fingers working...

It's not bad and some very nice dailogue interraction.

Spoiled though by smoking and wanking being oldish subjects.

Smoking and wanking--oldish subjects?

Well, lots of people may have given up smoking, but I have high hopes that there are still loads of wankers around.

Shh the EU banned it under section 23b of the EU charter on "self regulating and self oriented sexual gratification."

You could get a 500 euro fine.

Quote: sootyj @ August 17 2011, 7:05 PM BST

Shh the EU banned it under section 23b of the EU charter on "self regulating and self oriented sexual gratification."

You could get a 500 euro fine.

View original

The only way they'll stop me from touching my love pole is if they drag it from my cold, dead hands.

The wanking revoloutinary front is already there, want to join us brother?

Aparently the reason for this legislation, is as a penis can't consent wanking is counted as self rape.

Unless you're a ventriloquist.

I liked it, apart from the ending. That bit didn't work for me. It reminded me of a stand up piece from Victoria Wood* about a couple shagging on a train and nobody said anything until they'd finished and lit a cigarette then they complained. For a sketch of this length long, I think that ending is a bit weak.

* I think it was Victoria Wood. When I remember it, I'm hearing it in her voice.

I thought it read more like an extract from a longer show than a sketch. But I thought it was funny, I've never listen to V.Woods standup but just reading about that joke made me laugh, so it's a good idea which, if too familliar I'm sure you swap about and use the same structure with replaced subjects - No objection to Naziism, but objection to a certain cd, or whatever.

It's rife for potential, just get to the contradiction in a shorter frame and you'll have a cracking sketch. Some good banter there.

Thanks everyone--the sketch does seem to make people think of other sketches they've seen, so it's obviously not as original as I'd have liked. Still, I'm going to give it a little makeover and see if it improves.