I wrote this for something that never ended up being done, and while I like some of the lines, I'm not sure what to do with it, and if the lines only amuse me in this particular context. Do people think that any of it can be used in another context, or developed into something else? I'm sure that Angelina Jolie, Nicole Kidman, and Keira Knightley are all lovely and not at all like this exaggerated take on their media personas, so if you're reading guys, hire me for your next project, eh?
(Angelina, Nicole, Keira standing in a nondesript room waiting to go into a press conference)
Angelina (jigging from foot to foot): Nicole, how much longer until we do this bloody press conference?
Nicole: I think they're trying to create a transcendental atmosphere in which we can express our artistic endeavours
A: But I need a piss
N: Angelina, believe that you're a character who doesn't need.. what you said. Let your soul truly access that part of you that has no need to urinate
Kiera: I just finished drinking this bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale, because I'm ever so down to earth and not at all different from the common people. You can use that (proffers bottle)
(A looks at her with contempt but takes the bottle and goes behind a partition. We hear peeing and Angelina singing cheerily 'three old ladies got stuck in a lavatory, they self harmed then extended their family'. N and K shuffle, look embarrassed)
A (reappearing): Did you want the bottle back Keira?
K: No, that's alright. Not that I have anything against pee, because we all pee, don't we? Even us really famous and rich movie stars; we're not that different from the man in the street
A: Well make sure you recycle it. I wonder how much weight I've lost from that piss
N: Ooh, ooh, lets measure you! (takes measuring tape out from her top, starts to measure A)
A: How much?! How much?!
N: Oh well done you. Minus ten inches
A (looks proud): I have been cutting down on the amount of oxygen I inhale, it really seems to be working
N: Do me! (A measures her)
A (haughtily): Minus fifteen
N (clapping hands together): It must be all the time I spend really concentrating on making myself ethereal. It's like I'm practically invisible! Lets do Kiera
K: Oh no, that's okay. I mean, it doesn't really matter what we weigh does it? Because people come in all shapes and sizes, you can see them in... what's that one that's not Waitrose? (A and N stare blankly) Tesco. I saw it on Google earth when I was looking for the venue of a not at all exclusive party and I didn't want to go outside and mingle with the plebs. Who are just so lovely.
(A and N lassoo her waist with the measuring tape. Gasp)
N: You don't have a measurement.
A: Nothing. You are actually a size zero
K: Oh, no-one's actually a size zero. That's just a size that Americans have invented, and I'm English. Not an English rose, mind. A proper English person. With a stomach and everything
(A pokes her suspiciously in the stomach, then raises her fist as if about to hit her. N draws her arm back down.)
N: Angelina, remember about feeling like a lovely light breeze is blowing through your mind, enabling you to understand the nature of humanity and win oscars
A: Oh yeah. (Picks her nose)
N (patronisingly, to K): Those of us with children have to think of others all the time
A: Where did you get your kids from?
N: They came from the universe's heart to mine. How about you?
A: Dunno really. Whenever I went Maccy D's there seemed to be another one turn up. Thought they was part of the Happy Meal
N: There really is nothing to touch the ephemeral beauty of our time in this world like adopting children
A: Yeah, it's nice watching them grow up. Cos then they're less thin than you. (To K) You thought of adopting?
K: No.. not yet.. I have this flat cap... I take very good care of it. What with it symbolising my unity with the struggle of my fellow Brits; the traditions, the roots, the.. the, greasy hair
A: How much longer do you think they'll be? I've got to go to this restaurant opening tonight. Brad'll go mad if I'm late; he likes me to go on ahead and make sure no-one's got a bushier beard than him
N: Oh isn't it wonderful when you have an almost psychic connection with someone, when you work as one entity? Me and Tom used to be like that, and me and Keith Urban- folk legend- we are just so together, as one, except when he plays his screechy whiney music, which I just love. Love, love, love
K: Yeah, me and... (they look at her expectantly). Me and... bollocks, what was the name of the semi famous boyfriend I had who no-one could remember his name?
(A&N shrug. K thinks for a moment then waves dismissively)
K: Shall we have a pout-off?
A/N: Oh good idea!/ Lets, lets!
(They stand in a line pulling grotesque faces, trying to see who's pout goes furthest)
