New stand-up script, need feedback! :-)

Hey everyone,

I've just written a new script for a gig I have coming up. It'd be much appreciated if you could give it a read and post back with what you think. Obviously this is an imperfect exercise, as it's designed to be heard aloud, so please bear this is in mind. In terms of style this will be performed, paragraphs 2 and 3 I suppose will be Stewart Lee-esque, with the rest performed in a manner I guess similar to Marcus Brigstocke, if I had to name anyone.

Anyways, feedback would be amazing, and very very helpful. Hope you enjoy!

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I'm a student, but I work at the moment during my summer break. Bar tender down in Essex, plying Essex's teenagers with alcohol on a Saturday night, watching them stumble with the same amount of dignity - and same intentions - as a dog trying to sniff another dog's arse. You can pretty much play a form of roulette by guessing who's getting Chlamydia that night. '£10 on the blonde with her skirt tucked into her thong'. I say I bet £10, I earn minimum wage, for me betting £10 is recreating that scene in Casino Royale when Daniel Craig goes all in with £40 million. Minimum wage is £4.92. Do you know how depressing it is watching someone walk past with a McDonalds, and know that by the hour you're worth less than a large Big Mac Meal with a McFlurry?

But I suppose working is healthy for me. During university I spent far too much time sitting in my boxers screaming at the television, in pain at the sheer unadulterated crap large sums of money is spent on to broadcast. There's that old wives' theory that to distract yourself from pain in one area of the body you cause pain somewhere else. Normally it's done by pinching yourself somewhere else. And pinching myself to distract my mental torment might work for Sun, Sea and A&E on Sky1, or World's Wildest Police Videos on ITV 4. But when you see that while kids die of starvation in East Africa, Sky Living has spent money on the programme Pissed and Pregnant, or BBC 3 has broadcast Danny Dyer: I Believe in UFOs, nothing short of gouging my eyes out with spoons and attaching electrodes to my testicles will distract me from the mental anguish that causes. You know 30,000 people sat down and devoted their evening to watch Animal Cops: Houston? Where do these people come from? Probably the same type of people you see shouting at the cheese in ASDA, or running down the street in their pyjamas screaming that the French are invading.

You wonder what a meeting of TV producers would be like, when they come up with these ideas for new shows. They just have two Wheel of Fortune-style discs, one with adjectives and verbs on, one with nouns, that they spin simultaneously to come up with new ideas. (feign sound of spinning wheel) . . . attacking . . . .(wheel again) . . . Scousers. A Channel 5 celebrity reality TV show, where Les Dennis and Brian from Big Brother assault Liverpudlians for points. (spinning wheel) . . . Alzheimer's . . . (spinning wheel). . . homeless. A tasteful BBC 4 programme where 5 elderly people with Alzheimer's are placed in St. Petersburg and told to find a way back to Blighty, using only their wits.

Inevitably, there's also the Katie Price, 'day-in-my-life' documentary, essentially a camera crew filming Katie Price being followed around by camera crews, in some Russian Doll-type paradox that'll make your head explode if you concentrate on the irony too much. I had the misfortune of hearing her witty, insightful interview on Radio 1 a few weeks ago, where she claimed she was doing all she can to keep her new boyfriend Leo out of the spotlight (that she draws onto herself), which is entirely believable. She later repeated this claim in a television interview, and I believe her sincerity. Ok Magazine, 22 March: 'Katie Price: I'm already at that 'don't care' stage with Leandro'. I'm sure it was a one-off . . . Ok Magazine, 31 May: 'Katie Price on her 'connection' with Leandro Penna'. Maybe she learnt after that to keep him out of it. Ok Magazine, 21 June: 'Katie Price EXCLUSIVE: It's true love with Leandro'. At least it was only in one magazine. Episode 3 of Katie Price's new show, Katie: 'Leo jets in to meet Katie, captured all on Living TV's camera'.

It's her hypocrisy that really gets to me. In the same interview, she discussed her 'novels'. And she said, I quote, "I have never pretended to physically write my own books". THEN THEY'RE NOT YOUR BOOKS YOU STUPID . . . ! There's quite a large creative gap between thinking of an idea and actually carrying it out that Miss Price has completely ignored. I don't accuse every man who has every thought of having sex with Marilyn Monroe of actively practising necrophilia, same way every man alive isn't suing the Wetherspoon's Mixed Grill for plagiarism because we've all once thought 'f**k it, I want everything'.

Ooh look at me all up in critique ey?

Generally enjopyed it, but a few pointers.

Don't say that you're currently working. Audiences find it easier if you say you 'used to' work somewhere. To them you are a comedian, that's your role. It gets confusing to some people if they're thinking about you having an actual real human job too.

Casino Royale analogy was a little reduntant, but the McDonalds bit was nice. You need to work on the wording a little though.

"Do you know how depressing it is watching someone walk past with a McDonalds, and know that by the hour you're worth less than a large Big Mac Meal with a McFlurry?"

Cut down to:

"Do you know how depressing it is to know you're worth less than a large Big Mac Meal and a McFlurry?"

Like the randomly generated TV shows idea, but see if you can edit it a bit. A handy trick is to list three different shows- the first one will be funyn but not too surreal, and then by the third it's gone quite odd. Building up the absurdity in threes is familiar (though they don't know it) to audiences, and they should hopefully respond well to it.

The Katie Price bit is okay, it gets better towards the end, and I like the mix grill gag very much. Wouldn't change the workign of that gag at all. Don't think you need the Marilyn Romroe line as a setup though, the mixed grill line feels like it should be a stand alone one liner.

Quote: Tony B @ August 2 2011, 2:31 PM BST

Hey everyone,

Do you know how depressing it is watching someone walk past with a McDonalds, and know that by the hour you're worth less than a large Big Mac Meal with a McFlurry?

YES MATE.. YES I DO, GOOD WORK.

But I suppose working is healthy for me. During university I spent far too much time sitting in my boxers screaming at the television,

YEAH WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE TOO.. MAKES ME SICK TO THE BUMHOLE MATE.

Danny Dyer: I Believe in UFOs, nothing short of... GENIUS, WAS REALLY FUNNY, THE REST OF THE RANT IS GOOD BUT THIS SHOW WAS FUCKING EPIC.

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I Like it, I think it is sort of easy to just be pissed off at stuff but you have some good points and did make me laugh.

Not really a critique, but when I read the part aroound you could play roulette I instantly thought you could easily expand it.

You could go for the leggy blonde at evens, not me I like a gamble so I backed the the big sweaty girl with the cleft lip at 20/1 for a couple of quid. I debated going for the ginger at 100/1, luckily I did'nt he broke his leg in the toilet and was inevetibly put down shortly afterwards. They all laughed when I backed her but who's laughing now, I ended up quids in, well I was until I had to treat her to breakfast I hope there's overtime going.

Or something to relate roulette / gambling or the likes of in some way, am sure there is room for expansion

Also a cheap gag maybe but when you say £4.23 or whatever amount is was, pick someone out in the audience or generally even and say "to put that in terms you can understandthat's 12.25 percent of your weekly dole"

I liked the roulette idea and think you could go further with it, make it more bizarre and outlandish. Might be interesting to see more texture so it's not just a relentless chav-bash-a-thon. Perhaps examine why you find this sub-class so grimly fascinating? You'll throw the spotlight back on yourself more and give the act more depth.

Hey everyone, thanks for the really helpful feedback. I have taken all your constructive criticism onboard and has been very productive, thanks for taking the time to read what was essentially the ramblings of a bored mind.