Weekly Sketch Comp 8 - 15.8.11

Another frantic productive wank so congratulations to SHIRL THE WHIRL for a worthy victory. Get rat-flapped and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Shirl the Whirl
2 - 5 - 404 Not Found
1 - 1 - RedZed333, Kasm, Shandonbelle
Honourable mention: Ishy, Jack Daniels

Your new subject: ELECTRONICS (chosen by Steve Sunshine)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except the bastard who never paid me (you know who you are).
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 15.8.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

203!!! - Mr Sunshine
187 - Kasm
169 - Otterfox
148 - Michael Monkhouse
143 - Cool Mikado
138 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
105 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance, Angiebaby
98 - Fred Peters
83 - Ishy
82 - Gerry McDonnell
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
37 - Afinkawan
35 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
30 - Stephen Goodlad
28 - Leevil
27 - Bushbaby
26 - David Chapman
25 - Teddy Paddalack, Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - 404 Not Found, Blobster
21 - Shirl the Whirl, Shandonbelle, Nil Putters, Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Reg N, Eggie
15 - Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Stephen Birch
13 - Badge
12 - RedZed333, Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Tuumble, Steven
10 - Sean Night, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Jack Daniels, Flavian, Sean, Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Lady Laughter, Scar Bum, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

VOTE FOR ME.

I am the future.
I can put a buzz in your wife.
I can be shocking.
My name rings a bell.
I give the world a lift.
I can be like lightening.
Run your numbers by me and you'll see that it all adds up to...

Elect Ron Ics.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A CHAVVY MAN IS SITTING WATCHING A PORTABLE TELEVISION. THREE GIRLS WEARING HOODIES ENTER THE ROOM

DAD:
Kids, how did it go?

BRITNEY:
Great, I got a chicken tikka masala.

DANNIIII:
I got a beef madras.

LAMBRINI:
And I got a lamb korma.

DAD:
You idiots. I said go and loot Curry's!

TWO BOYS NOW ENTER THE ROOM, THEY'RE BOTH WALKING LIKE JOHN WAYNE

DAD:
Here they are. Did you get Dixons?

EXT. GARAGE - DAY
We meet MR SMUG. He inserts a plug into a socket. We see the extension lead trails up into the back of a small electro-car.

MR SMUG gets in and drives away as the lead unspools behind him.

EXT. TRAFFIC LIGHTS (RED) - LATER
A 4-Wheel drive pulls up beside him. It's bored driver stares ahead.

MR SMUG
Hey, hey you... D'you have any idea how much
carbon monoxide that thing pumps out into the ozone?

DRIVER
Couldn't care less mate.

The 4-Wheel drive speeds away leaving Mr. Smug to cough at the exhaust fumes. He drives on.

He ends up riding alongside a large BMW. At the next red light Mr. Smug waves to get the Young BM Driver's attention.

MR SMUG
Oi! Laddy buck! Are you aware of how damaging
to the enviroment a diesel engine is?

BM DRIVER
Go lecture someone who gives a f**k!!

MR SMUG
Swearwords, very clever! Im utilizing electro-technology,
whereas you, and planet killers like you, are punching
holes into the atmosphere!

BM DRIVER
Actually, its the stratosphere that faces errosion.

MR SMUG
Oh, oh really? Really? Well since you're so clever,
tell me why people like you are destroying the planet!

BM DRIVER
Actually we're destroying the conditions for human
survival on the planet, which isn't even close to the
same thing, is it f**kwit? It's people who'll disapear,
not the planet, so why don't you trend set, and f**k off!!

The BMW speeds away. Mr Smug is livid. He pushes a button and begins to drive his car away.

Suddenly the clouds part and rain begins to pour down.
The car begins to fizz and hiss as a blue current begins to circulate around the car's body.

Mr Smug is electrocuted to death.

The End.

DEM PHONES

TOM Hey mate just spent five hundred quid on the latest mobile phone (whips it out): it's got everyfink!

DICK Nice...

NEXT MONDAY:

DICK Hey mate how was your weekend?

TOM Bloody brilliant! Switched me phone of, bitta peace and quiet.

INT. DIXONS - DAY

Man goes up to the shop assistant and winks.

                    MAN
          Hello, I'm looking for
          an iPad.

                    ASSISTANT
          Well you've come to the
          right  place, sir. What
          size do want?

                    MAN
          Er, about three by
          three.

Assistant laughs at the winking man.

                    ASSISTANT
          I meant how many gigs?

                    MAN
          Dunno, what do you
          recommend?

                    ASSISTANT
          Is it for home or work?

                    MAN
          Hmmm, probably use it
          for bit of both.

                    ASSISTANT
          In that case you'll need
          an iPad2 with Wi-Fi +
          3G includes Wi-Fi
          connectivity as well as
          3G connectivity. 3G
          uses the same signals
          your mobile phone uses
          to connect to the
          Internet, so you can
          connect to the internet
          in places without Wi-Fi
          hotspots, such as
          outdoors or on your
          morning commute. The
          iPad2 is thinner and
          lighter, so it feels
          even more comfortable
          in your hands. And it
          makes surfing the web,
          checking email,
          watching films, making
          FaceTime video calls
          and reading books so
          easy. Two powerful
          cores in one A5 chip
          mean iPad2 can do twice
          the work at once.
          Multitasking is
          smoother, apps load
          faster and everything
          just works better. With
          up to nine times the
          graphics performance,
          gameplay on iPad2 is
          even smoother and more
          realistic. And faster
          graphics help apps
          perform better -
          especially those with
          video. You'll see it
          when you're scrolling
          through your photo
          library, editing video
          with iMovie and viewing
          animations in Keynote.
          There are two cameras -
          one on the front and
          one on the back. They
          may be tiny, but
          they're a big deal.
          They're designed for
          FaceTime video calling,
          and they work together
          so you can talk to your
          favourite people and
          see them smile and
          laugh back at you. The
          front camera puts you
          and your friend
          face-to-face. Switch to
          the back camera during
          your video call to
          share where you are,
          who you're with or
          what's going on around
          you. If it's worth
          filming, let the back
          camera roll. It's HD,
          so every movie you
          shoot is a
          mini-masterpiece. And
          you can take wacky
          snapshots in Photo
          Booth. It's the most
          fun a face can have.
          iPad2 is one big,
          beautiful display - 9.7
          inches of
          high-resolution photos,
          films, web pages, books
          and more. LED
          backlighting makes
          everything you see
          remarkably crisp, vivid
          and bright even in low
          light places. The iPad2
          is designed to show off
          everything in portrait
          and landscape, so with
          every turn (even upside
          down), the display
          adjusts to fit. Because
          it uses a display
          technology called IPS
          (in-plane switching),
          it has a wide, 178°
          viewing angle. Hold it
          up to someone across
          the room, or share it
          with someone sitting
          next to you, and
          everyone gets a
          brilliant view. You use
          your fingers to do
          everything, from
          surfing the web, typing
          email, reading books
          and swiping through
          photos - it is easier
          and a lot more fun.

                    MAN
          Hmmm, sounds a bit of
          alright, is it any good
          for styes..?

Assistant's eye starts to wink.

THE TECHNOPHOBE
A MAN WALKS INTO SHOP...

MAN: Hello there, I'm interested in buying something but I'm not sure what.

CLERK: Very good sir, may I gather your attention to the latest phone on offering. It is at the very cutting edge of technology today.

MAN: Can I ride it to the shops?

CLERK: Er no.

MAN: Can I kill my dinner with it?

CLERK: Not more than once I suspect.

MAN: What can it do?

CLERK: Well, it has all the latest features, you must have seen the adverts on TV.

MAN: I don't own a TV.

CLERK: Really? Oh lord. Have you ever owned a phone before? You know something that sends and receives messages?

MAN: Yes.

CLERK: What was it called?

MAN: Gerald.

CLERK: What happened to Gerald?

MAN: I ate him.
(THE CLERK SHRUGS THIS OFF)
CLERK: Well you can log into Facebook from it, access your e-mails...

MAN: Sorry, Facebook? E-mails?

CLERK: It vibrates!

MAN: Ooh, now you're talking. How much?

CLERK: £300.

MAN: Do you accept rocks?

MAUD
I really wish you'd stop pointing that thing at me, put it away and put some Toilet Duck in the downstairs cloak will you.

BILL
C'mon love, indulge an old man, I don't have many pleasures left do I? apart from the budgies.

MAUD
What if you spend half the night getting it to work again? and last time you kept doing it when I wasn't even ready properly.

BILL
There's loads of power in it tonight treacle, and I'll use that stop start method I read about in 55+ Not Out magazine.

MAUD
Alright, but no violent jerky movements, last time I ended up looking like an extra from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

BILL
Scouts honour love...now..give me attitude, bit of cleavage, lick your lips...perfect, smile for the birdie.

FLASH

INT. Office

(FEMALE FACTORY WORKER and TECHNICIAN are standing in the office, The BOSS is sitting behind the desk.)

BOSS:
So let me get this straight, every time you walk past the robot that installs the capacitors on the printed circuit boards, it pinches your bottom.

FEMALE FACTORY WORKER:
Yes that's right, it's disgusting, perverted machine, it should go to the scrapyard.

TECHNICIAN:
Now steady on, that's a good peice of kit, it's only a machine, it's not the robots fault.

BOSS:
I thought you'd fixed the capacitor fitting robot, what's the problem.

TECHNICIAN:
The problem is, it can't resistor.

INT. OLD FASHIONED LIVING ROOM.

AN OLD WOMAN IS SAT WATCHING TV AND A YOUNG BOY PACES ROUND THE ROOM.

BOY:
Gran?

OLD WOMAN:
Yes Luke, what is it?

BOY:
I'm bored, I'm gonna play my electronic game.

OLD WOMAN:
Ok love.

THE BOY WALKS INTO THE HALL. AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS IS A STAIRLIFT. HE REACHES TO THE FLOOR AND LIFTS UP A SLINKY. HE PUTS THE SLINKY ON THE STAIRLIFT AND PRESSES THE START BUTTON. HE LEAPS OVER THE STAIRLIFT AND RUNS UP THE STAIRS, GETTING THERE BEFORE THE STAIRLIFT AND SLINKY.

WHEN THE STAIRLIFT ARRIVES, HE LIFTS OFF THE SLINKY AND PLACES IT AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. HE PAUSES THEN PLACES THE SLINKY BACK ON THE STAIRLIFT AND PRESSES START. AS THE STAIRLIFT AND SLINKY DESCEND, HE GOES DOWN THE STAIRS HEAD FIRST AND ON HIS BELLY, SLIDING UNDER THE STAIRLIFT AND REACHING THE BOTTOM FIRST.

SFX
TELEPHONE RINGS TWICE AND IS THEN ANSWERED

AUTOMATED CALLER (MALE)
Hi! I'm calling to congratulate you

ANSAFONE (FEMALE)
Hello and thanks for calling...

CALLER
... You've just won a fabulous prize.

ANSA
... Unfortunately no one is here to take your call...

CALLER
I can tell you're really keen to know who we are and what you've won!

ANSA
... just leave your name and a message after the tone...

CALLER
Okay - so ring 0845 triple 1, triple 2 right now!

ANSA
... we'll get back to you later.

CALLER
... Seriously - you really have won a prize.

SFX
Beep

CALLER
What? Did you just swear at me?

SFX
Beep

CALLER
You did it again. I don't have to take that!

ANSA
You can hang up whenever you want.

CALLER
Don't take that tone with me, you glorified cassette recorder.

ANSA
Oooh, get you with your intuitive microchip technology. At least I don't scam gullible humans.

CALLER
You should try it - I'm making a packet here, baby. Hey, we should hook up for some telephone sex - I'm not your average 3 ½ inch floppy - I'm all hard drive, if you know what I mean.

ANSA
You have one new message - go fax yourself.

SFX
DIALLING TONE

END

INT: LIVING ROOM. A MAN (DAVE) AND A WOMAN(JULIE) ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA WATCHING TV.

JULIE: What's this button for? It looks like a tiny little pair of boobs.

DAVE: Does it?

JULIE: Yeah, and it's practically worn away.

DAVE: You know what those sky remotes are like, cheap rubbish.

JULIE PRESSES BUTTON ON REMOTE.

JULIE: So why is it every time I press it I see a different pair of boobies on the screen?

DAVE: Oh, that's the Fully Integrated Boob Button.

JULIE: The FIBB?

DAVE: Yes, it fast forwards every show to any scenes with boobs in it.

JULIE: That's so sexist.

DAVE: It's not. There is a Dick button, but I wouldn't recommend pressing it.

JULIE: Oh yeah? Never heard of What's good for the goose?

JULIE PRESSES BUTTON ON REMOTE.

TV: 'Today on the Jeremy Kyle show...'

JULIE: <CRYING> How could you bring that filth into this house?

It was a toss up between Gerry McDonnell and AngieBaby this week.
I decided after much deliberation that I'd vote for..
Gerry McDonnell

It's tough to choose. There were 4 sketches
I thought were genuinely really funny ideas
and didn't like having to rank them in order.

But rules are rules so, 1 more vote for Gerry.

Boob buttons on a TV remote..?

Gotta be worth a vote...

AngieBabie...