My first stand up script - feedback welcomed

Hi all. Only discovered this forum last night. I've attempted to write a stand-up script for the first time, and wondered if some of you kind, and not so kind, souls would provide me with some feedback, whether it be positive or constructive criticism. It's evidently a work in progress, being as I've never done anything like this before, and I know I probably ramble too much, but everyone has got to start somewhere, right?

Hi all. How is everyone? I'm sure the more observant amongst you will have noticed that I've got a bit of a waddle when I walk. Amazingly, you're not the first people to notice this. I once went on a date where this was brought up. I'd taken her out for dinner and on the walk home she turned to me and said "you remind me of a penguin". She didn't get a second date.

There's two reasons I waddle. Firstly, I'm a bit overweight. There. I've said it, the elephant's now in the room. Literally. I'm carrying what the Americans refer to as 'holiday weight'. The problem with this is that I haven't been on holiday since 2008. The second reason for my waddle is that I'm a bit disabled. It's ok though, it hasn't stopped me holding down a job. In fact, it helped me land my dream role as a foster carer for Pingu.

In all seriousness, my actual job is a secondary teacher, which has some good points and some bad points, like most jobs I guess. On a positive note, every day is different, 13 weeks paid holiday a year (kerching) and it provides me with an endless source of entertainment. On the downside, I have to work with kids, themarking is endless, and saying "I'm a History teacher" is a shit chat up line.

It's not like being a firefighter, for example. Those sods get women swooning at their feet, asking if they can slide up and down their pole. No, tell people you're a History teacher and they'll either think you're a) dull and boring, or b) gay.

I remember once I got chatting to a girl in a Bristol nightclub. Well, I say got chatting, what I actually mean is I was stood at the bar and before I knew what was happening she'd got me to buy her a drink, give her my phone number and I had yet to find out her name. She was the typical sort of girl that frequents nightclubs in Bristol. Platinum blonde hair, big hoopy earrings, make-up that looks like it's been applied with a trowel, skin colour somewhere between David Dickinson and Tango, dressed in a boob tube, high heels and a belt. You know the sort, you look up the word 'chav' in the dictionary and it's her picture staring back at you. A less classy version of The Only Way Is Essex girls, if you will.

So, 20 minutes into the conversation, I thought I better ask her her name. (In a Bristolian accent) "It's Char-Donny". "Don't you mean Chardonnay?" (In a Bristolian accent) " Err, no, I think I know how to pronounce my own name, dickhead." At this point, I should have run for the hills, but apparently I'm glutten for punishment. "So what do you do?" (In a Bristolian accent) "I work in the tanning studio in town." Ahh so that explains the radioactive glow. (In a Bristolian accent) "What about yous?" "I'm a History teacher" (In a Bristolian accent) "Oh, sorry. I did think you looked a bit camp, but thought maybe I could turn you." "Err, I'm not gay." (In a Bristolian accent) "Good for yous. I could never do your job though." "Well obviously you couldn't. You can't even pronounce your own name right, God help the world if you start educating children."

Bang. Next thing I know I'm waking up in A&E. She'd laid me out, right there in the club. And not laid me out in the good sense either. Trips to A&E are a common experience for me, as I'm quite accident prone. Last time I went they told me I'd earnt enough loyalty points for a free x-ray. Honestly, if you looked at my x-rays you'd sonfuse me with the bionic man. Screws here, bolts there, it's ridiculous. I'm part man, part robot. I have to pick where I shop carefully, as I keep setting off the security scanners.

I once made the mistake of taking my x-rays into school to show the kids, as they'd been asking for months. They were suitably impressed and that was that. Or so I thought. I suddenly started getting really odd looks off other members of staff. It turns out my delightful students had been telling the other teachers about my x-rays and how I had received my injuries. The problem with this is that I hadn't actually told them how I'd got the injuries, so they took it upon themselves, being the creative individuals that they are, to make up stories for me.

I then found out that they had actually turned this into a competition to see who could come up with the most ridiculous story and get it believed. They even had a ranking system. 1 point for year 7s, as they are completely gullible, 5 for sixth formers, teaching assistants got 10, 20 for teachers and 50 for the Head. Luckily for them, I saw the funny side, especially when I heard some of the stories they had come up with. Apparently I've had my foot cut off and then re-attached after an intensive interrogation session with the CIA, been involved in a high-speed crash as Ferrari's F1 test driver and had an unfortunate accident with an industrial-sized cheese grater. Do such things even exist?!

Anyway, I let the stories continue, and began to revel in my new found celebrity status around school. Until, that was, I got called in to see the Head about a 'serious matter'. I get ushered into the office, told to take a seat and I'm not even offered a cuppa. I'm thinking 'what the f**k have I done!?' (In a posh accent) "I'll get straight to the point Mr Hunt, it has recently been brought to my attention that you have lied on your C.V." On the inside, I am now turning into a babbling buffoon, but on the outside I remain cool, calm, collected. "I have no idea what you mean sir." (In a posh accent) "Well then let me enlighten you, Hunt" Not even a Mr this time, he must be pissed off. "I would like to know why, in the section marked 'previous employment', you have failed to mention the 12 months you spent working as a surfing instructor in Australia." How I kept a straight face I don't know. I just looked at him and said "Does this look like the body of a surfing Adonis? Thought not." (In a posh accent) "But I've been reliably informed that you lost your foot to a shark whilst teaching a surfing lesson..." At least we know who won the kids' competition.

I d recommend working with kids to anyone. As a treat on the last day of term, they decided that instead of watching a DVD they wanted to do karaoke. Now, this was fine, until they made me sing. I decided I'd sing a song they probably didn't know, and that I definitely knew all the words to. I chose Eagle Eye Cherry's 'Save Tonight'. The title should have been a giveaway here. For those of you that don't know it, here's the chorus (Play the chorus - 'Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn, come tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone'). However, I was that confident I knew all the words, I didn't bother to look at the screen and just sang. Turns out for the past ten years I've been singing 'Shave tonight, don't fight the beard at dawn, come tomorrow, stubble will be born'.

I love my music. It's certainly in my top five things in the world. Just above food, but below sport, my fiancé and sky plus. The last two alternate for top spot depending on her mood. Although now I think about it, women and sky plus have a few similarities. They both have a ridiculous memory, both have an in-built reminder system and both can be turned on by the push of a button.

I do love my fiancé though. We're getting married next year. They say planning a wedding is as stressful as starting a new job and moving house. I can't say I've been stressed out with the planning, but that might be because she's done it all. My input has been limited to deciding a short list of suits for her to choose between, helping to plan the stag-do and sorting out the wedding disco music. Like most blokes, I think I have an excellent taste in music. But, being the kind-hearted soul I am, I asked my fiancé for some songs she would like played on the evening. The vast majority of her choices have been vetoed. Michael Buble? No. Phil Collins? If Two Hearts gets played, by the end of the song only one of ours will be beating, and I can't promise which one. Eventually I've had to let her have one though, so I've gone for Starship's 'We built this city on rock and roll'. After all, that is a rock classic that everyone knows and loves. We can have a singalong to that. Who's ever been to a disco where everyone sings along to Micheal Buble for god's sake?

The only other thing I've got to do for the wedding is turn up on time. My mate's think this will be my hardest challenge, as I am literally never on time. It's got to the point where they have even told me we are meeting half an hour before we actually are so I turn up within the allotted 'ish' time. 'Ish' time, for those of you who don't know, is what guys say when they have no idea what time they are going to be there. 'Oi, Dave, what time we going down the pub later?' 'I'm not sure...say sevenish?' Cue both guys turning up at half 8.

My mates and I went to our usual pub quiz again last week. It's a bit of a strange pub quiz. No more than 4 in a team, £2 per person, one of which goes into a pot for any team getting full marks. The quizmaster, Bob, thought having this extra prize pot would allow a big prize to build up, as it's very rare that anyone gets full marks on a pub quiz. The prize was won twice in the first three weeks. Once a team had got full marks they then had to choose one member of their team to answer the bonus question to win the extra money. The bonus question was essentially like Don't Forget The Lyrics, where the music stops and they had to sing the next line. Bob took two teams winning in the first three weeks as a personal insult to his quiz, and proceeded to make the most difficult quizzes known to man. No one got full marks for two years, and the prize pot had reached a massive four grand. That was, until last week, when, by a complete fluke, my mates and I scored full marks. I know, I was gobsmacked too.

I got sent up to do the bonus round. Bob said he was going to be fair, and pick a song at random off his iPod and start it near the chorus. And this is what came out. (Play the first part of the chorus of Starship's 'We built this city on Rock and Roll', stopping just before it launches into the name of the song). "Nick, this is the bit where you need to sing the next line...do you know it?" I turned to my mates, pulled up my collar, cocksure, brashy, thinking I was a cross between Elvis and Freddie Mercury. "Do I know it? Do I know it? Everyone knows it. It's a seventies classic. A bastion of rock. It's on my wedding disco playlist. Boys, get the drinks in. Sod it, get a bottle of champagne, we're celebrating...I don't care if none of us like champagne, we're celebrating. Get four lager chasers as well. Yes, I know it. Play it again Sam." (plays the song chorus again) I took a deep breath in, I was going to milk the limelight for as long as possible. I then belted out "We built this city...on sausage rolls!"

Thank you for reading (if you have!) and please feel free to comment.

Nick

Hi Nick,
I read through this, as as you asked for objective feedback, rather than say
"I liked it/ I didn't like" I'll be honest about some of my thoughts as I read/imagined it.

Firstly, there's a heck of a lot here, easily 20 minutes worth. Given the personality and cadence projected here I found myself reading it in a Seth Rogen voice. Like a nice guy, in love, not yet bitter, betrayed or beaten down by life. (as am I)

I don't know your style or persona, etc, just my reading of it.

Anyway, my take on it is that you have a whole life of experience to mine for stand up potential. Which is good. But, toward the end I was getting into it as a sort of humourous memoir than a stand up transcript.

General wisdom tends to say refer to your job in the past tense, as though now comedy is what you do. I find this is up to if it suits the person or not.

I think I found it good natured and pleasent. eg, Saying;
"I'm getting married and I love my fiancee"
may elicit an Awww from the crowd. Wheras saying;
"I've been seeing a girl for a few weeks, her name is Lyndsey, or is it Lucy? It's something like that"
May get a laugh.

I thought some of the description of the women was sharply observed to the point, it's true, although I know nothing of Bristol's stereotypes, but it may alienate some of the drinkers watching you if they fit that model as it doesn't pay off too strongly vs the anger aimed... as for the resulting A&E bit I felt the Bionic Man x-ray ref was the only real joke in there.

The lyrics thing I felt was one of those bits that would either REALLY work, or REALLY fail. No middle ground, and I couldn't tell which. Probably, really work, if peformed with the gutso you wrote it with.

I liked the timekeeping thing, being late, people identify with that.

One bit leads into the next so seamlessly it's hard to cut it up or remove
stuff and as a whole it follows a perfect storytold narrative.

As for the material and topics, I just felt you need to edit anything that isn't a set up or payoff. I really liked your intro minute, although I slightly had to get through excess conversation and words to get to the jokes.

Example; Here's 3 bits from your opening, with an extremely edited wordcount, and I took the liberty of adding a line in brackets to each bit, just to give you the feel of how after one punchline, a double punch can work.

(As in 'here's the joke, hahaha, now here's the truth...Oooh')

____________________________________________________________________________
I'm sure the observers amongst you noticed that I have of a waddle when I walk. You're not the first to notice this. I went on a date, on the walk home she turned to me and said "you remind me of a penguin". She didn't get a second date. (I later realised she meant 'The Penguin')

I'm carrying what the Americans refer to as 'holiday weight'. The problem with this is that I haven't been on holiday since 2008.
(I found that Thai girls don't judge so much. I say girls, y'know how it is)

I work as a high school teacher, which has good points and bad points, good point, every day is different, 13 weeks paid holiday (kerching) and an endless source of entertainment. Bad points, I have to work with kids, the marking is endless, and saying "I'm a History teacher" is a shit chat up line.

(Although saying 'I can give you an A on your homework' tends to never fail)
______________________________________________________________________________

So, good luck, and all this is purely personal, non-professional, opinion for the sake of discussion to get you revved up for your next draft in that way you feel when you know someone's read your words.

And of course, reading something as opposed to hearing it is not even close to the same thing. So I read it flatly without the gestures, animation, nuance and timing you'd obviously inject.

Good luck.

Book yourself a five minute spot and do the stuff about chardonnay and the teaching/x ray stuff. the wedding and quiz bits I didnt like. The self depreciation/penguin bit isn't up to much, best to aim for a short set and dive straight in with the highlights.

As ever, the best advice is get out there and give it a go.

Have skimmed through it and there seems like there's some reasonable stuff in there, what I would say is don't ask the audience how they are at the start, too many acts do this and then don't really go anywhere with it, it just comes across as something that nervous acts say and then they don't really listen to the answer, it serves no comedic purpose, just go straight into your first joke.

Also I'd say don't mention that you ARE a teacher, say you USED TO BE a teacher, when you are onstage you ARE a comedian, why make anyone think otherwise? If you tell the audience that comedy is not your job then their attitude to you will change, they'll see you, even if it's subconsciously, as a hobbyist, an amateur, and as 90% of comedy is a confidence trick you'll make things much harder for yourself.

One other piece of advice is print this set out, then go through it with a highlighter pen and mark every place where you think you'll get a laugh, if there's big gaps with a highlighted bit then rearrange it so that there's never more than a line or two at most between laugh points. Even comics who tell long stories rarely go more than 20 seconds without getting some sort of laugh, even if it's a little chuckle over a turn of phrase or silly pun.

It all feels a bit weighty to me, with a lack of punch. I realise that, with stand-up, you need to have a bit more to it than just the set-up and punchline but it still felt sluggish. I've had a read through and changed the first two parts a little to show what I mean. BTW, I'm no comedian.

Hi all. How is everyone? I'm sure the more observant amongst you will have noticed that I've got a bit of a waddle when I walk. It can sometimes be a bit of a problem. I once went out on a date, and on the walk home after dinner, my date turned to me and said "you remind me of a penguin". Maybe the tux was a bad idea?

There's two reasons I waddle. Firstly, I'm a bit overweight. There. I've said it, the elephant's in the room. I'm carrying what the Americans refer to as 'holiday weight'. That holiday better get here real soon. The second reason for my waddle is that I'm a bit disabled. It's ok though, it hasn't stopped me holding down a job. In fact, it helped me land my dream role as a stunt double for Pingu.

Here's my quick edit of the opening lines to make them shorter, punchier and getting to the laughs sooner...

Good evening, Thank you for clapping as I waddled on stage. Yes, I am aware that I'm what is known as a "Waddler". I once went out on a date, and on the walk home she said "you remind me of a penguin". I replied "What short, cute and funny?", she said "No, you walk like Pingu if he was a Sumo wrestler... and you smell of fish".

There's two reasons I waddle. Firstly, I'm a bit overweight. There. I've said it, it's the elephant in the room, actually at my weight I'M probably the elephant in the room.

I'm carrying what the Americans refer to as 'holiday weight'. I know what you're thinking "Just how many holidays does this guy have?". The sad thing is that I haven't been away since 2008 but what a holiday that was at Cadbury's World.

The other reason for my waddle is that I'm a bit disabled, not really enough for lots of sympathy but luckily just enough to get a decent parking space at Sainsbury's.

That's probably about 1-2 minutes of material, just do the same for another 3 minutes or so and you've got yourself a tight 5 for an open spot night or a gong show.

Thank you all for taking the time to provide me with some feedback, its very much appreciated. I've tried to take as much on board as possible whilst having a go at re-writing it. I've used some of your lines within it. If this is a problem please let me know and I'll take them out.

Jack Daniels - I didn't realise quite how long it was until I had written it out in full. I had no idea how much I'd need to write for, say 5 or 10 minutes, so thanks for giving me a rough idea. 'Like a nice guy, in love, not yet bitter, betrayed or beaten down by life.' This probably sums me up better than I ever could!
'One bit leads into the next so seamlessly it's hard to cut it up or remove
stuff and as a whole it follows a perfect storytold narrative.' Thank you, as this was kind of what I was trying to do, so nice to know that part came through. The problem now is re-working it into something solid for 5 or 10 minutes!
I think you're right with the lyrics thing - with the right audience it will be a hit, with the wrong one I'll fall flat on my face. I'm not sure I'd have the confidence to use a tape player on stage early on either. Probably end up pressing the wrong button and leave the audience listening to it in reverse, squealing like the chipmunks and them trying to listen for the hidden satanic messages.
I know its really wordy. Re-reading it (yet again) I think I've put in lots of bits that if I was performing it I could get away with not saying as it would be evident in voice / actions / timing / etc.

Lady Laughter - Excuse my naivity for a moment, but how would I go about booking a slot to try some stuff out? I have absolutely no idea where I would start with that!

Tony Cowards - 'don't ask the audience how they are at the start, too many acts do this and then don't really go anywhere with it, it just comes across as something that nervous acts say and then they don't really listen to the answer, it serves no comedic purpose, just go straight into your first joke.' Scrapped that straight away. Thanks. Also (again with the naivity) what is a gong show?

Park Bench - I know what you mean about it being 'weighty with a lack of punch'. Its the first time I've ever tried anything, so was looking for honest feedback, so thank you.

A few other people have given me some suggestions as well. Consensus generally is that the opening, with a bit of an edit, has potential, as does the 'Chardonnay' stuff. School stuff / x-ray / lyrics a bit hit and miss?

Anyway, I've had a go at a re-write. Would you all mind telling me if this is any better whatsoever?

I'm sure the more observant amongst you will have noticed that I've got a bit of a waddle when I walk. I once went on a date where this was brought up. I'd taken her out for dinner and on the walk home she turned to me and said "you remind me of a penguin". Was the tux a bit OTT for McDonalds?

There's two reasons I waddle. Firstly, I'm a bit overweight. There. I've said it, the elephant's now in the room. (Ta da action?) I'm carrying what the Americans refer to as 'holiday weight'. I know what you're thinking..."How long was the holiday?!" The problem with this is that I haven't been on holiday since I was ten. The second reason for my waddle is that I'm a bit disabled. Enough for a good parking space at Tesco, not enough to stop me working. In fact, it helped me land my dream role as a stunt double at Sea World.

Its not as good as my last job. I used to be a secondary school teacher, which has some good points and some bad points, like most jobs I guess. On a positive note, every day is different, 13 weeks paid holiday a year (kerching) and it provides me with an endless source of entertainment. On the downside, I have to work with kids, am contractually obliged to wear a suit jacket with leather elbow patches, and saying "I'm a History teacher" is a shit chat up line. People usually assume I'm boring or gay. That said, I find saying "I can get your daughter an A usually works".

I got chatting to a girl in a nightclub. Well, I say got chatting, what I actually mean is I was stood at the bar and before I knew what was happening she'd got me to buy her a drink, give her my phone number and I had yet to find out her name. She was the typical sort of girl that frequents nightclubs. Platinum blonde hair, big hoopy earrings, make-up that looks like it's been applied with a trowel, skin colour somewhere between an oopah loompah and Dulux Sahara Sunset, dressed in a boob tube, high heels and a belt. You know the sort, you look up the word 'chav' in the dictionary and it's her picture staring back at you. A less classy version of The Only Way Is Essex girls, if you will.

I thought I better ask her name. (In a Bristolian accent) "It's Char-Donny". "Don't you mean Chardonnay?" (In a Bristolian accent) " Err, no, I think I know how to pronounce my own name, dickhead." At this point, I should have run for the hills, but I'm glutten for punishment. "So what do you do?" (In a Bristolian accent) "I work in the tanning studio in town." Ahh so that explains the radioactive glow. (In a Bristolian accent) "What about yous?" "I'm a History teacher" (In a Bristolian accent) "Oh, sorry. I did think you looked a bit camp, but thought maybe I could turn you." "Err, I'm not gay." (In a Bristolian accent) "Good for yous. I could never do your job though." "Well obviously you couldn't. You can't even pronounce your own name right, God help the world if you start educating children."

Bang. Next thing I know I'm waking up in A&E. She'd laid me out, right there in the club. And not laid me out in the good sense either. I seem to spend half my life in A&E. My x-rays show how accident prone I am. Nuts and Bolts everywhere. I'm like the real-life Wolverine. Part man, part robot. I go frequently enough that I've joined the NHS loyalty scheme. I've now got enough points for a free screw.

I never had much luck with women until I met my fiancé. Her name's Kelly...Kerry...Kayley? Something like that anyway. We're getting married next year. They say planning a wedding is as stressful as starting a new job and moving house. Bollocks is it. It's not stressful at all, just let her do everything. All I have to do is put on a suit and turn up on time. My mate's think this will be my hardest challenge, as I am literally never on time. It's got to the point where they have even told me we are meeting half an hour before we actually are so I turn up within the allotted 'ish' time. 'Ish' time, for those of you who don't know, is what guys say when they have no idea what time they are going to be there. 'Oi, Dave, what time we going down the pub later?' 'I'm not sure...say sevenish?' Cue both guys turning up at half 8.

Thanks,
Nick

"Lady Laughter - Excuse my naivity for a moment, but how would I go about booking a slot to try some stuff out? I have absolutely no idea where I would start with that!"

Depends where you live. Find a comedy night near you, contact them and get an open, unpaid spot.

Pointless just writing, you have to get out there and test stuff in front of a live audience.

I really enjoyed it, Good Job.

Being a secondary school teacher is brilliant material! Have you thought about talking about the kids more?

I haven't read the whole of the edited version but certainly the first minute or two is much more punchy and will do much better at a comedy night.

In answer to your question a "Gong Show" is a comedy night where people can have a go but the audience can "gong" them off if they get bored, don't like them or are just feeling a bit twatty!

Some Gong shows are "friendly", in that you have a safe period where you can't be gonged off, generally 2 minutes and the idea is to last 5 minutes on stage (or sometimes it's 7 minutes).

The Gong Show at the Comedy Store is an institution (which, incidentally, is where most of the audience should be housed), it's an absolute bear pit for new acts, some people get gonged off without even saying a word! Avoid it unless you are supremely confident or have a very thick skin. I've done it three times, lasting the full 5 mins on two occasions but on my first lasting about 1 minute 15 secs and that was the only time I've ever left a gig practically in tears, it was horrific!

Hi
I love your stand up comedy script although it does tend to drag at some parts, but all in all it is good. I have a drama class exhibition in a few weeks and my recent group has just fallen apart and I was wondering if you would allow me to use parts of this script. I understand it is a lot to ask, I have my teachers permission for this and I would not be claiming it as mine. Please consider this, I also understand if you don't want me to.
Thanks lots and once again it is a great script.

A guy who posted twice on an internet forum over a year ago probably won't be waiting around to give you permission.

I can't help wondering what parts of the script you want to use since most of the jokes appear to require being a British bloke that can plausibly claim to be a history teacher on the verge of getting married...