INT. HALL - DAY
A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE ARE SEATED. THERE'S A SIGN THAT READS 'NEWSCORPSE CELEBRITY SURVIVORS GROUP'. A LADY WHO IS RUNNING THE MEETING ADDRESSES THE CROWD.
SIENNA:
Hello everyone, and thanks for coming. My name is Sienna, and I'm a NewsCorpse survivor.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI SIENNA"
SIENNA:
I, like you, have been violated. It's possible that we may never fully recover from having our messages molested, but it we pull together and support each other, eventually the pain might begin to ease. Would anyone like to share their feelings with the group?
A MAN STANDS UP
STEVE:
Hello everyone, my name's Steve Coolgan, and I'm a NewsCorpse victim.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI STEVE". A LONE VOICE SHOUTS "AHA"
STEVE:
I'm still stunned about what happened to me. It's an outrage, it's BS! This guy who intercepted my voicemail, he's worse than Hitler. Listening to my telephone messages is clearly worse than killing a few Jews. It's total BS man!
SIENNA:
Well said Steve. I can see you feel strongly about this. You've made films for the man who owns NewsCorpse I believe, will you be donating the fees you received to charity as a protest?
STEVE:
Let's move on.
SIENNA:
OK, would anyone else like to share?
A MAN WITH A LARGE FRAME STANDS UP
JOHN:
Hi, my name's John Sesscott, but my friends call me 'Ten Tummies'
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI TEN TUMMIES"
JOHN:
I think that hacking someone's phone is disgrageous, hang on; let me start that again. I think it's absolutely outraceful, I mean, it's bloody bad. All they discovered was that I was having an affair, and nobody wants to hear about that.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "TOO RIGHT"
SIENNA:
Well said John, anything else you'd like to add?
JOHN:
Have you seen a train ticket anywhere? I need it for my expenses claim.
SIENNA:
I haven't John, sorry. Stay behind and we'll find it I'm sure. Would anyone else like to bear their soul? How about you Andy?
A SMALL MAN WEARING A KILT STANDS UP
ANDY:
Do me a favour love!
SIENNA:
Fair enough, anyone else?
A DRUNK LOOKING MAN STANDS
GEORGE:
My name's George Piecall, and I was hacked too.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI GEORGE"
GEORGE:
NewsCorpse found out about my DUI thanks to hacking. There was no other way they could have known, apart from the fact my car was parked in a shop window.
SIENNA:
Thanks George. As you share, you repair.
A BLOTCHY-FACED MAN STANDS
GORDON:
Hi. My name's Gordon Pramsey, and I'm also a survivor.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI GORDON"
GORDON:
The stress of the situation caused me to develop reverse Tourettes. My golly career is darned over. What a dashing bother. Pillows!
SIENNA:
I feel your pain Gordon.
A SMOOTH LOOKING MAN RISES
CHRIS:
My name's Chris Torrent, and my messages were hacked into.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI CHRIS"
SIENNA:
How did that make you feel Chris? Angry? Depressed? Violated? Abused?
CHRIS:
Can I ask the rest of the group?
SIENNA:
Of course!
THERE ARE SHOUTS OF ALL FOUR OPTIONS FROM THE REST OF THE GROUP
CHRIS:
Violated?
SIENNA:
That's right!
THE CROWD CHEERS.
A HANDSOME MAN NOW STANDS
DAVID:
Hello everyone, my name's David Buckham and I'm also a NewsCorpse victim.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI DAVID"
DAVID:
Those scumbags listened to a private message that was left for me
SIENNA:
Can you tell us what the message was David?
DAVID:
It was Victoria asking me to pick up Ocean's Eleven.
SIENNA:
That's a good film.
DAVID:
A film? That's my eldest child!
A GOOD LOOKING WOMAN STANDS UP
PIPPA:
My names Pippa, and I'm here representing the Royles. That pig McLair hacked into our phones too!
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "WHAT AN ARSE!"
PIPPA:
He never discovered anything of note thank God, although he did get excited when he heard Harry ask about Charlie. Luckily he was talking about his "Dad"
(PIPPA MIMES AIR QUOTES AROUND THE WORD "DAD"
A LARGE WOMAN RISES
KARREN:
Hi everybody, my names Karren Broody, and I suspect I was hacked.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI KARREN".
KARREN:
It was terrible. The stress led me to put on a pound in weight every month.
A VOICE SHOUTS "JESUS, HOW LONG HAVE THEY BEEN DOING THIS!"
A POSH LOOKING MAN STANDS UP
BORIS:
My name's Boris Gonesoon. I'm in the wrong room.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "BYE BORIS!"
A FAT MAN NOW RISES
STEWART:
Hi everyone, I'm Stewart Lie.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI STEWART"
STEWART:
You know what's most upsetting about this whole situation? Michael McIntyre.
SIENNA:
How was he involved?
STEWART:
He wasn't. I just like to find a large group of people and bitch about McIntyre, even though it stopped being even remotely amusing about three years ago.
SIENNA:
I'm sorry Mr Lie, this is nothing personal, in fact I really enjoyed your last DVD: I saw it on your recent series. But I'm going to have to move on I'm afraid. Anyone else?
A MAN WEARING A FAKE MOUSTACHE STANDS
DAVID:
My name's David Cameroon and I'm convinced that no inappropriate behaviour took place.
THE REST OF THE GROUP BOO
A VOICE SAYS "ORDER, ORDER"
DAVID:
Please believe me! Becky will beat me up if you don't!
THE REST OF THE GROUP START SHOUTING ABUSE
SIENNA:
Don't worry David, you're safe, we have law enforcement here. At the back of the room we have Terrence Piggs; he's the deputy commissioner of the Met; as well as being the editor of The Sun.
AN OLD MAN STANDS UP, HE HAS AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT
RUPERT:
Can I just say that this is the second-most humble day of my life.
A MAN RUNS OVER TO HIM AND STRIKES HIM WITH A CUSTARD PIE
SIENNA:
Arrest that man Terrence! My God, who on earth could think that abusing an 80-year old is a good idea?
FOOTBALLER WAYNE LOONY STANDS UP
WAYNE:
I quite like it like.
THERE'S A SHOUT OF "WAZZA". FOLLOWED BY A SHOUT OF "WAZZAAAAA" THEN A SHOUT OF "WAZAAAAAAAAAAAA"
SIENNA:
Was your phone hacked Wayne?
WAYNE:
No, it was still in one piece. They did listen to my messages though.
A MAN WEARING A HEAVY COAT RISES
PAUL:
Hi everyone, my name's Paul Gascoin.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI PAUL"
SIENNA:
Were you hacked Paul?
PAUL:
I wasn't, I'm just here to support Wazza.
PAUL REACHES INTO HIS COAT AND TAKES OUT A LARGE CHICKEN.
SIENNA:
Let's move on, please.
A YOUNG MAN RISES
MATT:
My name's Matt Horn, and I'm a NewsCorpse survivor.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "WHO?"
MATT:
Matt Horn! I was in Gavin and Tracy!
A VOICE SHOUTS OUT "WERE YOU AN EXTRA?"
MATT:
I was bloody Gavin! Anyway, I know my phone was hacked, as I must have received plenty of job offers after my starring role as Gavin. Yet every time I checked my phone, there were no messages.
SIENNA:
Thanks very much for sharing Mike. Would anyone else like to speak?
HUGH:
My names Hugh Grunt, and I was also hacked by those NewsCorpse vermin.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI HUGH", A LONE VOICE SHOUTS "NINE MONTHS WAS SHIT"
HUGH:
A man's voicemail is like his sexual preferences. It's nobody's business but his own...and the prostitute he's with.
SIENNA:
Quite right Hugh. And I'm sure we'd all like to thank you for your role in the demise of NewsCorpse. You played a bumbling posh man who against all odds wins the trust of the protagonist guaranteeing a happy ending. It must have been a real stretch for you.
HUGH:
Well erm, thanks erm, Gosh erm.
SIENNA:
Would anyone else care to share?
A MAN DRESSED IN BONDAGE GEAR STANDS UP
MAX H:
My names is Max Hoesley Junior, my friends call me 'Littler Max'
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI LITTLER, MAX!"
MAX H:
I had arranged for an orgy with five beautiful girls, and they left me a message with all the details. Those NewsCorpse swines hacked it.
SIENNA:
That's clearly an invasion of your privacy.
MAX H:
I'm not bothered about that, but they deleted the message. I lost the address and I ended up having to sleep with two dogs.
SIENNA:
That's awful.
MAX H:
It wasn't all bad, they were German Shepherds.
SIENNA:
Is the other Max here, the even less likeable one?
A GREASY MAN STANDS UP
MAX Q:
My name is Max Quifford, my friends call me when they need a story suppressed.
THE REST OF THE GROUP SHOUT "HI WHEN THEY NEED A STORY SUPPRESSED"
MAX Q:
I'm not too upset about the phone-hacking; I received a tidy wedge in compensation. I'm just here for the networking; if anyone needs me to help them get their name in the paper, feel free to ask.
THE GROUP SHOUT "OVER HERE MAX!"
