DERECK SITS IN A BOMB SHELTER WRITING IN A DIARY BY CANDLE LIGHT
DERECK (READING AS HE WRITES)
It's been 23 days since the world ended.
Leaving me Dereck Pilchard rank Apocalypse Commander as the only sentient survivor.
Sadly not the only human survivor
BOB WALKS IN
BOB
Watcha Dez, is that your log?
DERECK
It's apocalypse commander Dereck and yes it is my log.
BOB
Cracking I've been working on my log and I thought I'd get a peak at yours.
DERECK
Oh good Bob finally your taking our situation seriously. A record of us the last humans on earth... hey where are you taking it.
BOB
By log I mean I've got to take a wicked shit and we're out of arse paper.
FX SOUND OF BOB HAVING A DUMP FOLLOWED BY A CHAIN FLUSHING
DERECK
And air freshner unfortunately. Good grief Bob this bunker is heremtically sealed, the bio weapons are supposed to be on the outside.
BOB
Ha bloody ha. It wasn't me who stocked the bunker with tinned prunes, madras and pedigree chum.
DERECK
You'd think Tony could pick up one pack of loo roll on his scavenging trips.
I mean everyone's dead he's not going to get arrested for shoplifting.
BOB
He's the only one stupid enough to think a bin liner with a Sponge Bob Square Pants apron and a bucket on his head is protection against the Doom Virus. Until you're equally stupid your stuck with what he fancies picking up.
DERECK
If only I was that stupid.
BOB
Tony's got a diferent world view innit. For him it's porn mags, stella, fags and if there's space more porn. Maybe when he's drunk all the Stella left on Earth, he'll have the space in his shopping trolley for some arse paper.
DERECK
Oh what's the point we're all blokes, the human race is doomed. It's not like Jurassic Park.
BOB
You're a mopy bastard intcha? I remember getting that voice mail
"Hey Karen the doom virus just got released at work, you've got 15 minutes to get to the secret bunker at the underground car park."
DERECK
Of course she was at work.
BOB
"and don't mention it to your loser flatmates" good thing me and Terry got the message or you'd be all on your own.
DERECK
You should treat me with more respect I am the Apocalypse Commander damn it.
BOB
Funny Karen said you were just the cleaner. And you were sleeping over while all the real scientists were on that conference in America.
DERECK
Maybe I should just kill myself, it's hopeless. Ouch hey who threw a toilet roll at me!
TERRY (WHO HAS JUST COME IN WITH LINDA)
Hello benders! I didn't need any porno so I got some bum roll!
DERECK
But you always need porn??
TERRY
Not when I got one of these.
LINDA
Hey guys wow you also survived. Has someone farted?
BOB
You dirty bastard Dereck!
